Chapter Twenty-Five

 

Johnathan’s anger had not dissipated in the two days that followed their outburst in the tiny living quarters Alice had at the back of the shop. If anything, it had worsened. Something he could not place gnawed at him, and he made every attempt to push the feelings aside as he turned his attention to the ledger before him. He calculated the sum he had lost since he set out in search of Alice so long ago, and the cost was high. He scolded himself inwardly for agreeing to help her with the millinery. What he should have done was put her in a carriage and rode away without turning back. It would have saved him time and, more importantly, money. She had cost him quite a bit of it, and he would make sure she paid him back every last pence.

Not only would he take back control of her shop, he would also control everything in her life. From her meals to her attire, she would no longer have any say. Perhaps it would teach her a lesson in crossing him.

He closed the ledger and let out a sigh. His gaze moved to the letter he had kept when he left her shop, the one she had written to this Thomas, the man she wanted more than Johnathan. His anger grew as he reread the words ‘the man I despise’, and then another emotion came to light: hurt. Why did her words hurt him to such a degree? She did not deserve compassion after what she had done, and yet he could not help but feel bothered by her words.

Pushing himself from the desk, he stood and began to pace the room trying to make sense of his feelings. Her last words had been “I loved you”, but had she spoken truthfully? And if so, what caused her to no longer love him?

“Putting a woman first had been your mistake,” he said aloud. It mattered not if she loved him. His focus had to be on business and nothing more. These feelings of hurt he was reliving were the same he had when Jane left him all those years ago, and although it took him some time to get over that hurt, he had indeed gotten over it, releasing his pain and anger on the female servants and replacing them when need be.

A knock came to the door. “Come!” he shouted.

Hannah entered, her shift so sheer, she might have simply come in bereft of clothing. “You asked for me, My Lord?” she asked in her soft, sweet voice.

Indeed, he had requested her presence. Now that he was no longer a man in love, he sought the arms of another woman, any woman, and Hannah had been the woman he saw first earlier in the evening.

He said nothing as he walked up and stood before her. She placed her hand on her shoulder and began to pull down the shift, but as she lifted her face, Johnathan looked into her eyes and saw something in them that bothered him. Innocence. He had never taken Hannah to his bed, and as she lowered her shift, he could not help but see his own reflection behind the innocence in her eyes. What he saw made him cringe, for it was the image of a man who was hurt and seeking to ease his pain with a woman he did not love.

“No,” he said firmly. “Stop.”

She stared up at him with fear clearly etched on her face. “I am sorry, My Lord,” she said in a shaky voice. “Have I displeased you?”

He smiled as he pulled her shift back over her shoulder. “You have not displeased me,” he said softly. “I will no longer require your services.” Her face took on a look of terror. She thought he was discharging her. “No, I do not require these types of services,” he explained. “You may return to your room.”

Somehow Hannah appeared to relax, and this brought on a new wave of regret. How could he have been so insensitive to her?

However, as he paced the room again, the room began to enclose around him. He needed to get out of this house. And he needed a drink where he could get his mind off the troubles in his life, and the pub in St. Mawes would be just the place.

***

Alice closed the door to the shop and locked it before looking up at the sign that hung above it. She felt no joy as she gazed at it. What she saw was as bleak as the dark clouds rolling in and matched how dark her spirit felt. She let out a sigh and crossed the road, passing only a few people who were hurrying home for the evening. She had not slept well over the past two days, the events of that fateful evening playing over and over again in her mind making it almost impossible to sleep. Try as she might, she could not help but feel more than just a little guilt for what she had done to Johnathan.

However, although he had been angry with her and had said hurtful words, she knew she was not the same naive woman she had been upon first arriving in Cornwall. The truth of the matter was that Thomas would never return, and she would marry a man she had come to love but did not love her in return. It was her fate, and she had to accept it as it was. Not every woman who came from an untitled family had the opportunity to marry an earl, and she had to be thankful that at least she would have the means to live a comfortable life. Plus, she had the shop to keep her busy and keep her mind off the fact that she was in a loveless marriage. Let her hats become her passion; she would welcome it.

The beach was empty as she stepped onto the sand, pulling the shawl close around her to keep the cold chill of the wind off her. The sun peeked from behind the clouds, forming a fan-like ray over the ocean. The waves came in, much stronger and louder than she had seen in some time and she closed her eyes to listen to their rhythmic banter. The sounds made her think of close walks of two people who loved each other, sharing secrets from their pasts and growing closer with each step. When she opened her eyes, a bird flew over her and she was once again brought back to reality. Her letter to Thomas, which Johnathan had taken, had never been sent. However, in her heart, she had finally said goodbye to him and had given her heart to another man, one she, at one point, could not wait to marry.

None of it mattered now, for Johnathan did not love her in return. And yet, though she had tried to make it seem that she no longer loved Johnathan, the truth was, she still did. She had fallen in love with the kind man who had brought her to this very beach. A man had used the waves as a way to illustrate and teach what she needed to know about having a business. A man who she thought had loved her in return.

Wiping at a tear, she looked up as the bird circled the sky above her and then flew off toward the horizon. The sun had disappeared once again, and though she knew she should return to the shop, she remained staring out over the ocean, watching the waves beckoning to her, mesmerizing her.

Tomorrow Johnathan would be by to collect her so they could begin the long journey back to Exeter. Perhaps she could explain to him the reason she had acted as she had and he would forgive her, for that was what she truly wanted. The shop, Cornwall, none if it was important. Only love. The thought of not having it is what had kept her up late at night.

The first drops of rain fell as she looked up at the sky and then back at the waves. They had grown even louder as they crashed recklessly on the beach, and a fine mist now washed over her as the waves rushed toward her. She closed her eyes one last time, wishing she could return to the previous week. She would tell Johnathan what she had seen, and perhaps he would have an explanation. Also, she would tell him the truth about Thomas, about how she no longer felt as strongly about the man as she now felt for Johnathan. However, she feared it was now too late for such talk. She had been plucked from the waves of life only to find herself back in the ocean once again.

But this time, she was drowning in sorrow.