Nausea threatened to overwhelm him. Am I doing the right thing? It wasn’t the first time David had thought about his birth parents, but those thoughts had been fleeting—wondering if his parents were tall, or loved books, or cats, or cooking. The big stuff—why his mother had given him away—he’d avoided as far as possible. He hadn’t asked his mum and dad much, afraid of hurting them.
A noise disturbed his musings, and he glanced up to see his mum standing in the bay window. He smiled and strode up the path to the front door.
“You didn’t tell us you were coming over, love.” His mother stood in the now open doorway with flour smattering her apron and smudges on her face. David wanted to hug her.
He stepped into the hallway while his mum closed the door behind him. “You’ve been busy,” he said, following her into the kitchen.
“I’m making fairy cakes for the flower club meeting. I was about to put them in the oven. I’ll make tea. Go check if your father wants some. He’s reading the papers as usual.”
David smiled at his father sat in his recliner reading The Guardian. He kissed the top of his head. “Hi, Dad.”
Gary Rallison turned. “Hey you. I thought you’d be at work.”
“I’m going in an hour later. I wanted to talk to you and Mum first.”
The door opened and his mother came through holding a tray with three mugs. “I knew your dad’s answer.” She placed the tray on the coffee table and sat on the sofa.
“So, son, what’s up? You’re wearing your serious face. Sit down.”
His mum leaned forward. “Is it something with Linc? You attended his mum’s funeral yesterday, didn’t you?”
David relaxed, glad to have something else to talk about. “Yes, we went, and the funeral was good if you can describe a funeral as such. Linc met his uncle and other members of his family and talked to his mother’s husband and stepdaughter. He found out that his grandfather had died, which was a relief. But best of all his mum had made a film for him before she died. We watched it last night. Linc’s thinking of visiting his old home, which made me think about…”
“Where you’re from?”
“Yeah, Mum. It turned out Linc’s mother had been searching for him for ten years. I don’t want to hurt either of you, or seem ungrateful for everything you’ve done for me, but I thought… maybe… I might try to find my birth mother.”
His mother reached out and unfurled his hand before taking it in hers. “We wondered if this time would come. It’s okay, son. You must do what you need to do, and we’ll help as much as we can, won’t we, Gary? We kept the paperwork from the orphanage. I don’t know if the organisation even still exists, but there must still be records somewhere.”
David swallowed the lump in his throat. Of course, they’d want to help me. “There are ways, Mum. Channels you need to go through. I can fill in a form to get my original birth certificate which will give me my mother’s name, maybe even my father’s name as well. I don’t have to have counselling, or see anyone, but they say it’s better to go through an agency. I glanced at the information last night and my head was spinning. They can contact her, but there’s this list with names on and if she’s there, saying she wants no contact, then they won’t. If she doesn’t want to meet me, then that’s it, but if she does then they will set things up. They might not find anything, but I’m assuming the records will be somewhere. She might be dead for all I know. Did they tell you anything at the time?”
“Not much. You’d been there for a while when we visited. You had the cutest smile.”
“Your mum fell in love with you the moment she saw you,” his dad joined in. “The powers that be weren’t keen on letting a mixed-race child go to a white couple, but she wore them down. Today I suppose they’d call us white saviours. That’s the description, isn’t it?”
David heard the bitterness in his father’s voice. “I don’t see you like that, Dad. You’ll always be my parents. Whatever I find out, nothing will change how much I love you both. I might never have found a family if you hadn’t come along. My life could have turned out so differently.” He wiped away a tear.
“Well, you know your mum. Once she’d made her decision…”
David squeezed his mum’s hand. “Yeah, I know what she’s like.”
His father leaned forward. “Look, son. I can’t ask you not to do this, but you need to be sure, and I’d advise using an agency to help you.”
“I know, Dad. I know there are pitfalls. I’d like to think my birth mother had to give me away, but it could be she didn’t want me because of my disability.” He didn’t even want to think of the many other and much worse reasons his birth mother might have had for giving him away.
“It could have been any number of things, son, some of them painful. All we were told is that you’d been handed over in the hospital. Social Services had difficulty finding a place in foster care for you, and you ended up in the home. You might hear information you don’t want to hear about how you came into this world, and hearing from you could bring back memories your birth mother’s hidden or kept from her current family. There’s a whole can of worms you need to be prepared to deal with if you go ahead with this.”
A tiny stab of irritation stopped him answering straight away. He took a deep breath and softened his tone. “I know, Dad. Don’t worry. I won’t do anything on my own. I want you two involved all the way. And Linc will help me as well. It’s unreal thinking I could have half-siblings or other relatives out there. The first thing I need to do is fill in a form to get my original birth certificate.” He glanced at his watch.
“I’d better get off. I told Maisie I wouldn’t be long. I’m sorry to drop this bombshell on you and run, but I didn’t want to go ahead with anything without talking to you first.” He stood. His mother followed him to the door. She hugged him tightly.
“You know we love you, and we’ll support you whatever happens.”
“I know, Mum, and that’s one of the reasons I can do this. I love you both, too.”
“Are you going to tell Chris and Laura?”
“I suppose they should know, but I’m afraid how they’ll take it.”
“I’ll speak to them and let them know me and your dad are fine with your decision.”
“Thanks, Mum. I was so lucky you chose me.” He wiped a tear from his eye and hurried down the path as spots of rain started to fall.
Once he’d climbed into his car, David sat contemplating his life. He’d grown up in this house with these wonderful people and he was loved. He might, as his dad had said, be opening a huge can of worms. Am I right to try? He shifted the car into gear and set off back to town. Only time will tell.
Later after a frustrating day at work, David was happy to be home. Funding cuts meant harder decisions about stock selection, and there had been yet another email of doom and gloom from the council. Pixie and Dixie’s mewling as he turned the key in the lock warned him of their presence behind the door. He closed it behind him and stepped into the hallway. Both cats wove between his legs. No doubt if they could, they would have sat there with their paws pointing to their mouths to show how hungry they were. They followed him into the kitchen and meowed until he placed full bowls of cat food on the floor, then tucked in with enthusiasm.
David turned on the coffee machine, leaned back on the counter, and stifled a yawn. He glanced at his watch—seven-thirty. Completing his end-of-week check on stock and books outstanding had taken longer than usual. Worst of all, the email—listing possible spending cuts—suggested closure of the smaller libraries was on the agenda once more, and he knew what that might mean. They’d already lost the mobile library that covered the villages and some other small-town libraries. He’d worked hard to show how vital a service he provided, but the reality was libraries were being closed all over the country, some completely, and others reopened with volunteers. If his library closed, he’d have to try and find a job elsewhere, and he had no desire to leave the area. He made a cappuccino, picked up his mug, and ambled upstairs to the kitten room. The cats followed him. He edged his way into the room. Gwen lay in her cage with the kittens.
“Hello, Mamma. Time for food, lovely. Hello watchers. I’m not staying for long. It’s been a frustrating day at work.” He cleared the litter tray and put food out for Gwen. Sitting next to the cage, he opened the door. Jack and Ianto wrestled in the corner, but Tosh and Owen waddled towards him, and he had to keep picking them up and moving them back inside.
“Soon, little ones. Soon I’ll let you out to play. Let’s try you on some proper food.” David waved to the camera. “Okay everyone, I’ll give you the new weights as I do them and put the figures on the website. Remember, they sometimes lose a few grams in weight when they start running around.” He picked up the small scales and weighed each kitten, making a note on his pad to add to the weight chart later. He read out each figure to the watching audience.
“Great weight gains for all of them,” he confirmed between sips of coffee. He picked up Jack again. “And this one is going to be a big boy, aren’t you?” He placed him back with Gwen when she returned to the cage.
“I’ll be back in later to chat, and maybe to let these little ones out now they’re steadier on their feet. For now, I’m off to get something to eat. Have a good day to those of you across the pond.”
David ambled down the stairs. Pixie and Dixie had disappeared into their tunnels. He intended to relax in the living room for a while until Linc arrived with dinner. The doorbell rang halfway to his destination, making him jump and spill the last of his coffee on the hard floor. He put the mug on the radiator shelf and hurried to the door. Instead of Linc, his brother and sister stood on the doorstep, neither had a smile on their face, and both steamrolled into the porch and past him. He guessed what might be coming next.
“Before you start,” he said, “can we sit down? I’ve had a long day.”
David led the way to the living room and sat in one of the armchairs, letting his siblings share a sofa. “Okay, say what you have to say.”
“Mum and Dad told us your plan,” Laura said. “How could you do this to them?”
He sighed. “I’m not doing this to them. I’m doing this for me, and they were fine about it.”
“To your face maybe,” Chris said. “They wouldn’t say anything negative to you, would they? Not to their chosen child.”
“What?” David wasn’t sure he’d heard right. Never in his life had either of them expressed such a comment.
“Chris,” Laura warned. “We agreed— “
“Agreed what?” David asked.
Chris rose from the sofa. “I need a drink. Is there any beer in this place?”
“In the fridge. Linc’s coming over soon. But help yourself.” David waited until Chris had left the room then turned to his sister. “I’m doing this for me. I didn’t intend to hurt anyone.”
Laura rested her head on her hands as she leaned forward. “You aren’t naïve, David. You must have known what this would mean to them. It’s like they’ve had the wind taken out of their sails.”
Chris strode through the door again, beer in hand. David spotted he’d already downed half of it. He sat next to Laura again, creating a wall of bubbling anger pointing in David’s direction.
“Why now?” Chris said. “You’re over thirty. Why rock the boat now? Mum tried not to show she was upset, but you’d have to be blind not to see, and Dad sat there stoically silent. These people have done nothing but love and take care of you. They don’t deserve this.”
David sighed. His hands clasped the arms of the chair. “All right, I’ll try to explain, but please, could you listen? Yesterday, I went with Linc to his mother’s funeral. He hadn’t seen her for over sixteen years, since his grandfather threw him out onto the streets aged fourteen because he told them he was gay. His mother was treated badly by her father, beaten, and controlled. She’d met a foreign farm worker and become pregnant by him. All his life, Linc’s grandfather referred to him as the bastard and beat him too. Being gay was the final straw. Linc was lucky he found good people willing to help him. What he didn’t know was his grandfather had died ten years ago and his mother had married and spent ten years searching for him. She died of cancer without finding him. I could see how much it hurt, knowing she’d wanted to find him, but now she was dead, they could never meet.”
Laura nodded while Chris drank beer at a slower pace.
“Apparently, Linc’s mum used to go to various towns and sit on benches watching the crowds hoping to spot him. It made me wonder about my own mother and the reasons why she had me adopted. What if she was forced to give me up and didn’t want to? I’ve always told myself it was my disability, or my colour, which made her give me away, or even worse, that I was the result of her being attacked and she didn’t get me aborted soon enough. Maybe she was too young to deal with having a child. Over the years, I’ve considered all sorts of reasons and tried to turn her into a wicked woman who didn’t want a mixed-race little boy with one foot. And even if I do find her, she may not want to see me. I might still be something shameful or embarrassing from her past. If that’s the case, I’ve no idea how I’ll deal with it, but I have to know. I’ve thought of nothing else since we saw the obituary notice for Linc’s mum. I realised I could see a picture of my mother and I wouldn’t know.” The doorbell chimed, interrupting him.
“That’ll be Linc,” he said.
“I’ll go.” Laura rose before he could say any more.
Chris swallowed the rest of his beer and put the bottle down on the table. “I hear what you’re saying, and I’m sorry about what I called you. We don’t think of you like that. You’re our baby brother. We’re family. When Mum and Dad told us they were going to adopt, we wondered what we’d done wrong that they needed to choose another child. And when they first brought you home, Laura and I resented you but not in a major way. We didn’t plan to smuggle you out and leave you somewhere.”
“I’m glad to know that.”
Mum spent time with you, that’s all. And we’d already had to compete with all the other kids Mum and Dad dealt with every day. We got over those feelings pretty quickly. You were so cute with your big eyes and smile. How could we all not fall in love with you?”
All his tension melted away. Before he could say anything, voices from the hallway told him Laura was explaining their presence. Linc muscled through the door, takeaway in hand. “Are you all right?” he asked.
“I’m fine. I told Mum and Dad this morning, and they told Chris and Laura.”
Linc held himself straight. “He has the right to try to find his birth mother, you know. It’s no reflection on your parents. He loves them and you two, but sometimes you need to know where you come from.”
“We understand,” Laura said. “And I sort of get why, but he’s never had any interest before he met you.”
David clutched the arms of the chair again. “Don’t, Laura. Don’t even go there. The only person this concerns is me. I need to know where I came from. You know I’ve worried about my genes and my health because I know nothing.”
Dixie appeared out of a tunnel and jumped onto his lap. He smoothed his fur, hoping it would soothe him.
“What do you want me to do with the food?” Linc asked. “It’s going to get cold if we leave it too long.”
Chris stood. “I meant what I said, David. I’m sorry.” He glanced at Laura. “We get you feel you need to do this. All we’re asking is you keep us informed, and you talk to Mum and Dad if you find out anything.”
Laura’s expression softened. “We don’t want you to be hurt in all of this either. Like Linc, you may not get a happy ending.”
David stood too. “I know. It’ll take time to discover anything, and maybe she won’t want to see me if I bring back memories of a tough time in her life, or if she’s married and has other children and hasn’t told her family I exist. I get that nothing may come of this at all except pain for me. I don’t know what might happen. But I know I need to find out more.”
Chris closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around David. Laura followed his example and they stood, hugging each other, tears flowing, for a few minutes until they moved apart.
“I really am sorry I called you the chosen child. It’s—”
“Chris, it’s all right. I was chosen. And I get that you were worried about Mum and Dad.”
Chris nodded, “Are you still okay to have Elliot and his friend next Saturday as it’s half term? I’m snowed under at work this week. I’ll be glad to take a few days off the rest of the week, but I know how much he likes spending time with you. After all, last time he had a ride in a police car.”
“Of course we are, and you know I love taking all of them out. I’ll take the girls somewhere as well if you like.” David needed the change of scenery. “Make sure they’re dressed up warm though. We’re going to Hunstanton to walk along the beach and have fish and chips.”
“Luke wants to bring his dog. He has a pug. Seems like everyone has one now.”
“That’ll be fine,” David agreed. “I finish at twelve, and Linc is picking me up then we’ll be over for them. I’m glad Elliot and Luke are still friends. I know how worried he was. Is there anything we should know? Any changes? I wouldn’t want to say the wrong thing.”
“Luke’s parents have been supportive. They’re confused but seeking help. School has been informed. So far Luke has kept his name and is still using he, but that might change. At school, he’s still dressing as a boy, but Elliot said he wants to start dressing as a girl outside and to grow his hair. I need to do more reading myself to help Elliot. Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“I told you, Linc and I will take things as they come. We’ll have a fantastic time, whatever.”
“Great. Rosie will pick Luke up and bring them to the library before twelve. Why don’t you and Linc come over for Sunday lunch the day after?”
“That would be lovely,” Linc said. “And I can ask Nettie if she wants to come out with the girls.”
“And I’m sorry about— “
“It’s fine, Chris. I understand.” David patted his brother’s shoulder as he stepped out. Chris and Laura hurried down the path while David watched. He closed the door behind them and turned to Linc who immediately took him in his arms. David leaned his head on Linc’s shoulder. “Better get our food eaten,” he said.
“I need to hug you a little longer. You are an awesome person, David Rallison. I hope you realise that.” Linc kissed the side of David’s head. David loved the physicality of the man and the comfort of being in his arms. Linc let him go when his stomach rumbled. David grinned.
“I hope you haven’t bought vindaloo this time. I have plans for your tongue and mouth.”
“I learned my lesson,” Linc replied, grinning.
David took his hand and led him towards the kitchen. “Excellent. Let’s eat, then set the kittens free and after...”
An hour or so later, they sat next to the cage in the kitten room. “Are we ready?” David said.
The room had been expanded and some of the lower-level runs exposed, along with the addition of other toys and climbing trees. David opened the cage door. One by one the kittens waddled to the edge. From outside, Gwen mewed at them.
“That’s it, Mamma, encourage them. I’m guessing Jack will be out first.”
In the end, it was the smallest kitten, Tosh, who stepped out first, almost tumbling onto the rug. Jack and Ianto ventured out together and hurried, as fast as their unsteady legs would allow, over to Linc. Gwen had already settled into David’s lap. The comments online exploded as the kittens explored the area until Gwen jumped off, lay down, and the kittens settled in for a feed.
“That’s it everyone.” David said. “It’s time for bed over here. Have fun watching the kittens.” He glanced at Linc. “Now, about those plans.”