People often act from more than one of these perspectives, depending on the situation and the people they’re dealing with. Put a check mark beside the statements that you think apply to you, to help you determine if you tend to think from one of these perspectives more than the others.
Am I a reasoner?
Am I ruled by my emotions?
Do I tend to be wise?
Now add up your check marks for each category and see if you fall predominantly into one—you may or you may not.
It’s very important that you start to be more aware of what thinking style you’re using so that you can make effective changes in your life. Quite often people find that they act from more than one of these perspectives, depending on the situation and the people they’re dealing with. Over the coming days, try to be more mindful of what perspective you’re thinking from: your reasoning self, emotional self, or wise self. This mindfulness exercise is simply about increasing your awareness, so you don’t have to write anything down, but it is important because you can’t do anything to change your thinking style until you realize which one you’re using.
If you have trouble remembering to do this check-in with yourself, think about ways you can help yourself remember: put notes up on your dresser or in your bathroom; write notes to yourself in your journal or agenda; make a sign that you can put on the fridge or in your locker at school. Think outside the box and do whatever you need to do to remind yourself to ask the question: am I thinking from my reasoning self, my emotional self, or my wise self?
Believe it or not, the way you treat yourself physically can influence how emotional you are and the extent to which you find yourself stuck in your emotional self, being controlled by your emotions (Linehan 1993). Read the following stories, which demonstrate how various aspects of your physical health can make it harder for you to manage your emotions. Then answer the questions in activity 14 to help you evaluate which areas you need to work on improving.
Sleep
Anthony had been having problems with his mood since eleventh grade. He would sometimes feel pretty low and he got anxious a lot, especially in social situations. In his final year of high school, the pressure seemed to really get to him. He would come home from school and sleep until dinnertime, watch TV or play video games after dinner, and then go back to bed. It felt like he was constantly tired and just couldn’t get enough sleep. On weekends, he would get up late in the morning, or even early in the afternoon, and would try to get some schoolwork done, but he just felt too exhausted to concentrate and would end up going back to bed.
Jonathan, on the other hand, didn’t sleep enough. He was quite disciplined in his schoolwork, getting home after school or hockey practice on a weeknight and going straight to his room to study until dinnertime. After dinner, he’d do some more work, and then take some time for himself—he’d play video games, chat online with friends, or just watch TV. He would often stay up until after midnight and would be up again at seven the next morning to get ready for school.
Both Anthony and Jonathan are having problems balancing their sleep. Too much sleep or too little sleep can increase the amount of time you spend in your emotional self and affect the amount of control you’ll have over your emotions.
Eating
Brianna knew she had a problem with eating. Sometimes she could go for days without eating much of anything; at other times she found herself eating large quantities of food and feeling out of control. When she wasn’t eating much, Brianna noticed that she felt very tired, had no energy, and was more likely to snap at people for little things. When she was overeating, she’d get really down on herself and end up feeling quite depressed.
Balancing your eating habits is also very helpful in gaining more control over your emotions. As Brianna found, eating too much or too little usually leads you to act from your emotional self more often.
Treating Physical Illness
Justin was diagnosed with diabetes when he was fourteen. He had a hard time accepting this diagnosis because he felt it made him different. It was also inconvenient; he was supposed to check his blood four times a day and give himself insulin shots regularly. It was difficult to find time to do the things he needed to do to treat his diabetes, especially because he didn’t want his friends to know about it and so he tried to keep it hidden. That meant that he would often miss checking his blood, and sometimes he’d even miss doses of his insulin. Justin had been told that this wasn’t safe and that it could lead to serious health problems; he did notice that he would sometimes get light-headed, have a hard time concentrating, and be short-tempered, but Justin just wanted to pretend he was like everyone else.
Many people develop health problems, such as diabetes or asthma, at a young age. Sometimes people have injuries that cause chronic pain, or other problems that need to be treated as well. If you have any kind of physical illness or pain, it’s extremely important that you treat it the way your doctor tells you to. Not doing this can cause further health problems for you, but it can also result in more emotions for you, the way Justin became more irritable when he didn’t take his insulin. Managing any physical health problems you have will also help you manage your emotions.
Exercise
Luisa had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety when she was fifteen. Her doctor had suggested that she first try making some changes in her lifestyle rather than taking medicine to help with these problems. One of the changes that Luisa’s doctor emphasized was for her to get more exercise. The doctor told Luisa that exercise is actually a natural antidepressant, producing brain chemicals that actually help us feel good. Luisa wasn’t big into exercise, but she decided she’d rather avoid taking medication if she could, so she gave it a try. She began by going for walks three times a week, for about fifteen minutes each time, and gradually worked her way up to forty-five-minute walks four to six times a week. Luisa found that this exercise did help her feel better and that she actually enjoyed the walks and the break they gave her from being in the house doing homework or chores.
Exercise can’t always take the place of medication, but it certainly helps you feel better. We all know that exercise is good for us physically, but as Luisa found, exercise can also improve your mood and decrease anxiety. For people with anger problems, exercise is also a great outlet and can increase their ability to manage their emotions in healthier ways.
Drugs and Alcohol
Riley started drinking at parties with his friends when he was about seventeen. He didn’t think it was a big deal—alcohol was legal, even though he was under the legal drinking age. Everybody drank—his parents, his older brother—and Riley was responsible when he drank, always making sure he had a ride home. What Riley began to notice, however, was that every time he drank, he would experience a few days afterward when he was more moody—one minute he was fine, the next minute he’d be snapping at someone for something fairly small. Riley decided to stop drinking to see if this made a difference in the control he had over his emotions, and he found that he was much less irritable when he wasn’t drinking.
Drugs and alcohol are known as mood-altering substances, and if you use them, you have no control over how your emotional state is altered; you might notice that your experience varies from time to time, that it’s often not the same as the time before. You might also notice that, while you’re using, you tend to act on your urges more often, and you’ll be more likely to make decisions that aren’t so wise—like maybe driving while you’re high or drunk, or getting into other dangerous situations. As Riley realized, stopping the use of these kinds of substances increases the amount of control you will have over yourself and your emotions.