The difficult thing about changing unhealthy ways of coping is that they are often helpful in the short term. When your emotions are really intense and you don’t know how to get through a crisis, many of these behaviors distract you from the situation and from your emotions. But remember, this doesn’t last. In the long run, the crisis is still there, and your emotions about it are still there, but now you’re likely to have more pain because of the unhealthy behavior you engaged in—usually, people feel guilt, shame, and anger toward themselves when they’ve engaged in these kinds of behaviors. In addition, your loved ones will likely get frustrated with you, as Tameka’s did, because you’re acting in ways that are more harmful to you.
Look at this list of unhealthy ways of coping and check off the ones you sometimes resort to. Use the blank lines at the end to add other behaviors you turn to that you know aren’t helpful in the long run.
Choose one of these behaviors that you do relatively frequently. Can you identify triggers, or factors that put you at risk for this behavior? Describe any events, people, or other circumstances that increase the chance that you will act out in this way.
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Write about how this behavior is helpful for you when you’re in a crisis.
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Can you think of any negative impact this behavior has on you? This can be hard because, as we noted above, this behavior probably helps you in the short term, so you might need some help from someone you trust. Write any negative consequences you can think of here:
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We tend to be much harder on ourselves and less supportive to ourselves than we would be to others, so sometimes it can help if we talk to ourselves like we would talk to a friend in the same situation. Imagine that you are your best friend, a close family member, or even your pet. From this other perspective, write a letter to yourself about the unhealthy ways you currently cope. Tell how this behavior affects you (as your loved one), and encourage yourself to do things differently. Use another piece of paper if you need more room.
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It’s likely that you’ve also had times when you’ve been in a crisis and have acted in ways that don’t affect you negatively. Sometimes it just feels helpful to get out and take a walk, talk to someone, watch a movie, and so on, in order to get your mind off the crisis and your painful emotions. In the following space, list some of these things you’ve done to help you cope in healthy ways:
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When you’re in a crisis situation, you might not be able to solve the problem you’re facing. If you can, obviously you want to solve it, and the crisis will disappear! But when it’s a problem that can’t be solved, and therefore your emotions about it are going to keep hanging around, one of the most helpful things you can do is to distract yourself from the problem, and to do this in a way that is not going to make things worse for you in the long run. The list you just wrote down of healthy ways to cope is likely a list of distracting skills, because on some level, even when it’s hard for us to think straight because we’re so emotional, we know that distracting ourselves will help us feel better, even if it’s only temporary.