Before you can change a pattern, you first have to be aware of it. Look at the following questions to help you get an idea of what your communication style is; you’ll likely be able to see that you behave in many of these ways sometimes, so when you’re thinking about each question, put checks beside the ones that seem to describe you best. When you’ve finished, add up the number of check marks in each section to see which communication styles you use most often.
Passive
Total: ___________
Aggressive
Total: ___________
Passive-Aggressive
Total: ___________
Assertive
Total: ___________
Now take a look to see if you scored higher in one area. You might find that you tend to have the same communication style on a regular basis, or you might notice that you have traits of some or all of the styles, depending on the situation and the person you’re communicating with.
It’s important to be aware of your own patterns so that you can work on becoming more assertive. And even if you’re being assertive on a regular basis, take the time to read the following skills to help you continue to do well; it’s difficult to be assertive all the time, with everyone in our lives!
Hopefully you now see that being assertive will help you in your relationships. But how do you do it? The guidelines that follow can help.
Be Clear About What You Want
Assertiveness is about asking someone for something; for example, asking your dad for a ride to the mall or asking a teacher for help with an assignment or asking a friend to go to the movies on the weekend. Assertiveness can also be about saying no to someone else’s request—like when a friend asks you to loan her some money and you don’t want to because she hasn’t repaid you in the past. The first thing you need to do in order to communicate assertively is to decide exactly what you want in a situation.
Once you’ve decided on what you’d like the outcome to be, clearly, honestly, and specifically, say what it is you want to say. For example, if you’re feeling hurt or angered by something the other person did, tell her specifically what it was she did and how you feel about it. When you’re doing this, try to state your own feelings first: say, “I felt hurt when you said this,” rather than “When you said this I felt hurt.” It might not seem like much of a difference, but the first comes across as you taking responsibility for your own emotions, while the second seems to blame the other person for how you feel.
This is an important idea to remember—that we are each responsible for our own emotions. You don’t want to blame others for how you feel any more than you want them blaming you for how they feel. Let’s look at an example to help clarify this.
Margarita’s Story
Margarita was home from boarding school for spring break. She would be home for only a short time and was trying to get in as much visiting time as she could with her family and friends since she didn’t get to see them often. She spent two days with her sister and her family, and they had talked about her returning there for another two days before she went back to school. As that time got closer, however, Margarita decided she wouldn’t return to her sister’s, because she still had a few friends she hadn’t gotten to spend time with yet. Margarita e-mailed her sister, explaining her decision. But the e-mail she got back told Margarita how sad and disappointed her sister was and that her niece and nephew were also very disappointed that they wouldn’t get to see Aunt Margarita again for a long time.
Although it was Margarita’s decision that led to her sister feeling sad and disappointed, it was not Margarita’s fault that her sister felt that way; nor was it Margarita’s responsibility to make her sister feel better by changing her decision. If Margarita’s relationship with her sister was more important to her than her relationship with the friends she had planned to see, and she decided to change her mind when she realized how her sister, niece, and nephew felt, of course it would make sense for her to do that!
The point is, other people are not always going to agree with the choices you make, but how they feel is their responsibility, not yours, and you’re not obligated to change your mind because of how someone else reacts to your decision.
Listen Mindfully
Remember that being assertive isn’t just about getting your own needs met—it’s also about trying to meet the needs of the other person so that you both come away happy. In order to do this, it’s important to know what that person wants from the interaction. So pay attention, and make sure you’re not doing something else while you’re talking—texting someone on your cell or looking out the window will make someone feel like you’re not really paying attention and you don’t care about what is being said. Instead, listen mindfully—with your full attention, noticing when your mind wanders and bringing it back to the present moment.
Be Nonjudgmental
In chapter 4, we looked at the importance of being nonjudgmental in order to reduce the amount of emotional pain you experience. This skill is also incredibly helpful when it comes to relationships. You know how it feels for yourself when you are being judged, so try to talk to the other person the way you would like to be spoken to. Don’t blame, don’t judge—just stick to the facts and how you feel about a situation.
Validate Others
Remember the skill of validation that we also talked about in chapter 4? In that instance, we looked at self-validation and how it can reduce your emotional pain; but validating others also comes in handy when you’re trying to communicate effectively. Reflect back to others what they say to you so that they know you’re listening and understand what they’re saying; if necessary, ask questions to clarify so that you do understand. Let them know that what they have to say is important to you and that it makes sense, even if you don’t agree with it. We’ve all had the experience at some point of being validated by another person, and we know it makes us feel understood and listened to. Doing the same for your friends will go a long way toward improving your relationships.
Act According to Your Values and Morals
When you’re asserting yourself, it’s important to know what your values and morals are and to stick to them (Linehan 1993). If someone asks you to do something that goes against what you believe in, you won’t feel good about yourself if you agree to the request. For example, your friend tells you she’s going to a party this weekend, and she’s going to tell her parents that she’s sleeping over at your house; she asks you to lie to her parents if they call your house looking for her. If this goes against your morals, you won’t feel good about yourself—or about your relationship with this friend—if you agree.
Not making excuses also falls in this category. For example, have you ever had an urge to make up an excuse when someone asks you to do something you really don’t want to do? It’s perfectly okay to say no and to be honest about the reason—even if it’s just because you don’t want to! If you can be assertive and just say that you don’t want to do what the person is asking of you, your self-respect will increase (Van Dijk 2009). Of course, you also have to balance this with not damaging the relationship. Telling your friend that you don’t feel good about lying to her parents is one thing; telling your friend you don’t want to come over to her house because you don’t like her parents is another! When the truth would be hurtful, it’s okay to resort to the “little white lie”; just be cautious that this isn’t happening regularly, or it will affect your self-respect.
Don’t Overapologize
One last word here about self-respect: don’t overdo it with “I’m sorry.” Often we have an urge to apologize for things that aren’t actually our fault. Saying you’re sorry means that you’re taking responsibility for something, that you’re taking the blame; this will make you feel like you’re in the wrong and will indicate that to others as well. Over time, this feeling of being responsible for things that you’re really not responsible for will decrease your self-respect. So apologize only when you have done something you truly need to apologize for (Linehan 1993)!