41 your experience of willfulness and willingness

We’ve noted before that you can’t change something until you recognize what’s happening. In this exercise, you’ll start to think about how you think, feel, and act when you’re feeling both willful and willing.

Ways I’m willful

Think about a time when you were willful, or come back to this exercise after you’ve experienced willfulness. Write about what this experience was like for you. What kinds of thoughts did you have? (Remember, they’re often thoughts of giving up, of not trying.) What emotions came up for you? (Hint: they’ll be painful emotions, often of anger, frustration, bitterness, and so on.) How did you behave? (Examples of willful behavior include yelling and swearing at others; threatening suicide; using drugs, alcohol, or other means of escape; or harming yourself in some way.)

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Ways I’m willing

Now think about a time when were willing, when things were difficult for you, but you did your best with what you had. Write about what this experience was like for you. What kinds of thoughts did you have? (They’ll likely be encouraging and validating thoughts, like “It’s hard, but I have to keep trying anyway.”) What emotions came up for you? (Hint: the pain won’t necessarily have gone away, but you might also have felt hopeful or proud of yourself for trying even when things were tough.) How did you behave? (These would be healthy, helpful behaviors like asking someone for help or using skills you’ve learned to cope.)

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Wrapping Up

Willingness is a major factor in your ability to improve your life using the skills you’ve learned, both in this book and elsewhere. You can read all you want or go to therapy all you want, but until you become aware of when willfulness has arisen in you, and until you can let go of it and turn your mind to being willing, nothing in your life will change. You might have heard the saying “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” You’ve been given these skills, but no one can make you practice them. Only you can do that. So what do you think? Are you willing?