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“Welcome to Gambit customer support, how may I help you?”
“I need to speak to Dalton Jones.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. If your call is about payments, please say ‘payments.’ If your call is about the version 2.11 upgrade, please say ‘upgrade.’ If your call is about your account, please say ‘account.’ Would you like me to repeat those options?”
I’d forgotten all about the automated system. “Erm...” How could I explain this to a robot? “Can I just speak to a human, please?”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. If your call is about payments—”
“It’s about the upgrade. I need to speak to Dalton Jones.”
“Is your call about the 2.11 upgrade?”
“Yes.”
“Please be assured our engineers are tirelessly working to bring you the best experience Gambit has to offer. If you would like to find out more, please visit our website. Can I help you with anything else?”
“I need to speak to Dalton Jones.”
“If your call is about an issue with messaging, please say ‘yes.’”
“Gah!”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that. If your call is about payments—”
I prodded the zero button on the keypad several times. “Please hold while I divert your call to our contact centre.”
“Hello, you are through to Adam.” His accent sounded like an Indian person doing a bad impression of a cowboy. “Before I can assist you, I must ask, have you eaten dinner today?”
“Erm...yes.”
“Very good. I, too, have eaten dinner. And how is the weather today? Is it warm, or cold, or is—”
“I don’t care about that. I just—”
“Please, sir. I am just being friendly. The weather here has been warm.”
“Yes, yes. It’s warm here too. I need to speak to Dalton Jones.”
“Very good, sir. I am glad to hear the weather is warm. I do not like the cold when it is too cold.”
“Did you not hear what I asked?”
“Yes, you are wanting to speak to Dalton Jones. Is that correct, sir?”
“Yes.”
“I’m afraid that is not a possibility at this time, sir. Do you have your Gambit username and I will investigate your account?”
“It’s Neuromantik.”
“And how are you spelling that today, sir?”
“Same as I always do.” I spelled it out. “There’s a player who’s not been nuked by the upgrade. He’s too powerful. I need to speak to Dalton Jones, please.”
“I’m afraid that position is impossible, sir. Do you have your account password?”
I let out a sigh, feeling like I was experiencing déjà vu. “Yeah, it’s 1.21 Giga Watts.”
“And how are you spelling that please, sir?”
“Please. Tell him...tell him it’s Neuro. He knows me.”
“I’m unable to transfer unsolicited calls to Mr Jones, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“Wait, can you send him a message?”
“No. I am sorry. No messages to Mr Jones.”
“I sent him one before.”
“That option is not available to general users. I’m sorry, sir.”
“So, you’re not going to help me?”
“That is correct, sir. Is there anything else I can assist you with at this time?”
I let out a long sigh. “Forget it.”
“Well, you have a very good day, sir. Please enjoy your warm weather and dinner. Thank you for calling Gambit customer support. If you could leave feedba—”
I hung up and tossed the phone onto my bed.