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When I logged onto Gambit, I found Socko, Harley, and FragQueen watching the live feed of a game already in progress—Queens of the Pwnage and The Inconceivable working together in monster-hunter mode.
As Queens of the Pwnage’s scout took a shot at Peanut, the feed froze.
“What happened?” Harley got to her feet.
“I don’t know,” FragQueen said. “Looks like The Inconceivable quit.”
“It took longer than I thought it would, but I think they’re onto us,” I said.
“At least their stats took a hit,” FragQueen said.
“Yeah, bro.” Socko shook his head. “R2’s still too powerful though.”
“Even if it did work, this plan’s going to take months,” Harley said. “I was thinking —”
The forum door swung open and Peanut marched through with R2 at his rear. “You think you’re so clever, don’t you? I know you set up some kind of conspiracy to bring us down.” He raised a finger and grinned. “It’s not going to work. You can have your cheap little victories. But you’re completely insane if you think we’re going into a monster-hunter game.”
“Bite me, bro. Don’t let the door hit your saggy ass on the way out.”
Peanut sniffed and exited the forum.
R2 remained and stared at me.
“What?”
He shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.” He turned and left.
“I knew it,” Harley said.
I looked at the screen and nodded. “What now?”
“Bro, let’s just grind on some low-level monster hunter stuff.”
“I’m done with grinding,” FragQueen said. “We should just go for the highest level and go all-in.”
Socko shook his head. “What about our stats?”
FragQueen laughed. “What stats? We can’t go much lower.”
“What’s on the highest level?” Harley asked. “Some kind of zombie blue whale king, or something?”
FragQueen retracted her claws and cocked an eyebrow at Harley. “Zombie dragon.”
“Like Game of Thrones?” Socko laughed. “I’ve got more originality in my ass than these designers.”
FragQueen smiled. “I’m sure it’s one of those things where it’s legally distinct enough that the lawyers don’t get involved.”
“Bro, they’ve had sandworms, lightsabres, and now freaking zombie dragons.”
“They did have zombie turkeys,” I said. “At least that’s something new.”
“Are you freaking kidding me?” Socko turned red. “Season one, episode eight of South Park had a pack of zombie turkeys.”
“A gobble,” I said. “I thought we’d agreed on the collective term for turkeys.”
“Bite me, Neuro.”
“Zombie meerkats must be new though. I’ve not seen zombie meerkats before.”
Socko rubbed his beard. “I’ll give you that one, bro. Maybe the zombie sharks too.”
“Didn’t Hulk Hogan’s daughter star in a movie about zombie sharks?”
“No, bro. You’re thinking of Sand Sharks.”
“Which is the one where the sharks fly around?” FragQueen asked.
“Sharknado. Or maybe Sharknado 2.”
“Electric Boogaloo?” she asked.
“Are you sure you’re not thinking of Sharknado 3?” Harley asked.
“Anyway,” I said. “I’m sure it won’t be a zombie dragon. It’ll be a zombie dragon king...for some reason.”
FragQueen nodded. “Exactly.”
Harley shook her head. “I hated Game of Thrones. Too violent.”
“That show ruled, Harley.” Socko said.
I raised an eyebrow. “Even that last season?”
He looked at me and shook his head. “Bro, ignore that. I’ve erased it from my mind...like the end of Lost. The rest of it ruled though.”
“Yeah, that zombie thing was all in the dark, and then, what? You just kill the Night King out of nowhere?”
“I get it, bro. The last season sucked.”
“Leaves a bitter taste in your mouth when you’ve invested all that time.”
“Your mom leaves a bitter taste in your mouth.”
“Can we focus on the game?” Harley raised her hands. “If we’re facing the zombie dragon king, we’re not going to overpower it.” She brought up a map of the series of tunnels.
“How did you do that?” FragQueen got to her feet.
Harley shrugged. “I read the update log.” She traced a finger down a long, twisted tunnel culminating in a crucible. “I think that’s where we’ll face the dragon. I think if we can get behind this bit where the tunnel goes thin, we’ll be able to defeat it.”
I nodded. “I can take pot-shots through the gap.”
“Exactly. And FragQueen can get some mines to line the corridor.”
“I can do that.”
“Remote mines are probably best for this one. And I’ll try to get behind it with Socko.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I said, smiling.
“Let’s do this, bro.”
––––––––
Caves appeared around me, stalactites hanging like teeth.
Harley ran on ahead, her avatar weaving between shadows before dropping into stealth mode.
“I’ll go on ahead and take any creatures,” Socko said. “You watch our back, Neuro.”
“Right.” I swivelled and scanned the winding cave behind me. “We’re clear.”
I kept at FragQueen’s side, constantly spinning, constantly checking all directions.
A pair of zombie rats emerged to my rear. I took aim and shot each in turn.
“We’ve got rats,” Socko said. “Take that, you freaking rodent!”
“Yeah.” I reloaded my rifle. “Just took a couple out behind us.”
“This is what I’m talking about,” Socko said. “You should check out how much blood is in these things.”
“Sounds like Socko’s having fun,” Harley said.
“I think he’s had a lot of experience beating things off.”
“Screw you, FragQueen.”
I’m just saying it’s nice to have an opportunity to put your talents to good use.”
“Bite me.”
As we continued through the tunnel, the path grew thinner. We walked single-file.
“If I remember from the map, I think the dragon chambers should be past this thin bit,” Harley said. After a minute or so, we emerged from the tunnel into a cavernous space, the ceiling hidden by darkness.
A golden glow emanated from the walls. But there were no direct sources of light.
An iron portcullis crashed down behind us, blocking our escape. “No!” Harley said. “That’s the plan out the window.”
A shimmering black dragon swooped down from the ceiling, raining down jets of ice-fire. I shifted along the walls and let off a few shots.
Socko charged forward, swinging his power mace wildly.
The dragon’s mouth snapped down on Socko’s head. His mark disappear from the map.
“Socko’s gone.” I let off a salvo of shots as FragQueen lobbed a grenade onto the dragon’s back.
I caught a glimpse of Harley sneaking around the cavern walls in stealth mode. She peppered the dragon’s side with bullets, hardly denting its HP.
It turned to her, reeled back, and breathed out a great gust of ice-fire.
“Harley’s gone.” I levelled my sight on the dragon’s brow and pulled the trigger. The creature let out an ear-splitting shriek and spun in a circle, no doubt searching for its next victim.
Its ragged wings opened and it circled high above us, letting out random streams of ice-fire as FragQueen and I slipped into the shadows.
I reloaded and took aim. “We can do this.”
The dragon dived towards FragQueen, slashing across her body with its claws, severing her legs.
I let off a barrage of shots, aiming at its head. “Take that, you—”
The screen went red.
––––––––
Adrenaline raced through me when I respawned in the forum.
Harley stared up at the big screen, replaying the final moments of the battle. She brought up the map, comparing the images, and pointed to a niche in the cavern. “I think we might be able to hide there.”
Socko tilted his head. “I don’t know, bro. You think we’ll fit?”
“Probably.”
“We should try again,” FragQueen said.
Socko nodded. “It’s time to—”
“Please, stop!” FragQueen said. “We don’t need the same catchphrase every time.”
“Your loss, bro. Let’s do this!”
––––––––
When we reached the chamber again, the portcullis slammed shut behind us.
As the dragon descended from the shadows above, we raced along the cavern walls until Harley signalled to the niche.
We squeezed inside and I set up my tripod.
The dragon landed on the ground and paced around the cavern, its grunts turning in a furious roar.
Harley leaned past me and emptied her pistol’s magazine.
I took aim at the dragon’s head and pulled the trigger.
The dragon spun to face us and swung at us with its claws, its strikes clattering off the walls.
“Bro, it’s working.”
FragQueen tossed a grenade over my head. It exploded at the dragon’s feet, damaging its chest and neck.
It reeled back and roared before arching forward and letting out a jet of ice-fire.
The screen turned red.
––––––––
I returned to the forum last and slumped onto the sofa. “This is ridiculous,” I said. “It’s like it’s invulnerable.”
FragQueen shot to her feet. “How do we know we’re aiming at the right place?”
“I got in a few head shots,” I said. “That seemed to do a bit of damage.”
She brought up the video of our previous battle and watched.
“Look. You are hitting its head, but it’s not taking much of a hit.
“Isn’t there some Japanese story about a dragon that lived on eight mountains?” I said. “I think a guy defeated it by getting the dragon drunk on sake and going after its tail.”
FragQueen shrugged. “Maybe.”
“We’ve got nothing better.”
“Then, we have our plan.” FragQueen pointed to the screen. “We go after the tail...we kick ass...we chew gum...blah, blah.”
“Bro, that’s not cool.”
FragQueen shook her butt at him. “Bite me, Socko.”
––––––––
We returned to the dragon chamber and Harley drew its attention with shots from her pistol. She ran in circles around it, trying to get the beast to follow her.
FragQueen planted mines at the base of its tail and I let off shots.
Each shot took a small chunk from its energy bar.
“It’s working, bro.”
The dragon turned to FragQueen, dipped its head, and spewed a blast of ice-fire, taking her out.
“FragQueen’s done.” I ran along the cavern’s edge and slipped into the niche. I pressed myself against the wall and set up my tripod before dropping into a prone position, hoping it wouldn’t notice me.
I lay and waited. All I could see was the bare cavern and the occasional hint of Socko’s dodging as he ducked in and out of view. “Is there any way you can draw the dragon more to the centre? I can’t get a visual on him.”
“I’m on it, bro.” He raced across the cavern floor as Harley continued her assault.
The dragon lumbered into view.
I took a shot as Socko mounted the dragon’s back and smashed down on its spine and tail with his power mace. “Yee-haa!”
The dragon spun around, trying to throw Socko from its back.
Harley and I sent a salvo of shots along the tail’s shaft.
“Aim for the eyes, Harley. You never know.”
She laughed and let out more shots. “Nothing.”
I shifted my aim to the tail’s tip and let off a shot.
The dragon turned red and sped up.
“Boom! Socko, hit the tip. Hit the tip!”
He smashed down on the barbed point with his power mace.
The dragon twisted and writhed, sending jets of ice-fire in random directions.
It turned to Socko and struck down with a claw. He rolled out the way.
I let out a shot, striking the point of its tail again.
The dragon slumped as ice-fire spread across its scales, turning its flesh to ash and its bones to a charcoal husk. “Boom!”
“We did it, bro. We freaking did it!”
We ran over to the chest as it rose into the air, spinning slowly. It spat out a new sniper rifle, a super sledgehammer, and a pair of magnums.
“Poor FragQueen,” Harley said.
“Bro, check out our stats.”
Harley pumped her fist. “Sweet.”
––––––––
FragQueen jumped up and down when we returned to the forum. “You did it.”
“Did you get the boost?” I asked.
She brought up her stats and nodded. “Yep. My stats are up. They’re not amazing. But it’s a start.”
“Same,” I said. “We’re still a way off R2, though.”
Second Bob entered the forum and clapped his hands. “Well done, pal. Can’t believe D-dub beat the zombie dragon.”
I grinned. “It wasn’t just me. It was a team effort.”
“The weak point’s the tail,” Harley said
“Yeah, bro. You need to smash the tip.”
“Speaking from experience,” FragQueen said.
“Screw you.” He turned back to Second Bob and brought out his new sledgehammer. “I got this bad boy, too.”
“Aye. That’s a nice weapon, pal. How’s yous guys’ stats looking?”
I shrugged one shoulder. “Better. Not great.”
“Go back in then. You know how to do it now. Just do it again.”
“I don’t think it works like that,” Harley said.
“Aye. You won’t be getting any more treasure, but you get the stats boost.”
Socko’s eyes widened. “Seriously?”
He nodded. “Aye. Don’t tell me you still haven’t read the update log.”
Harley raised her hand. “I did. He’s right.”
Socko nodded. “Let’s kick some dragon ass.”