THE BIRDS AWOKE even before the sky began to lighten. A chirrup here, a peep there. Then the black became gray. The morning stars faded. The gray turned to pink, revealing tall, puffy clouds across the sky.
Ronni sat on her deck, coffee mug cradled in her hands, and pondered the possibilities. An entire new day wide open before her. As yet unspoiled. So much potential.
“Happy birthday, Ian.” She saluted the dawn with lukewarm java and a stifled yawn.
She tried to imagine what he’d be like today, as a thirty-three-year-old man, instead of the nineteen-year-old boy. Would he have filled out, like Hayden? Or still be more lean, wiry?
One thing she didn’t doubt. He’d still be a firecracker who urged her to test her limits. Who convinced her, with a grin, to try it, ’cause she just might like it.
With a throaty caw-caw, Mr. Black swooped down from the tree, landing on the railing.
“You’re the early bird today. No breakfast yet, only coffee. And I’m not sharing that. Or the devil’s food cake I’m eating today.” Devil’s food had been Ian’s favorite cake. Appropriately so. Every year on his birthday, she ate it for breakfast in his honor.
Scott hadn’t appreciated that, but she hadn’t given any ground on how she spent Ian’s birthdays. Her line in the sand.
And since it was her day to do with as she pleased—after tossing a slice of bread to Mr. Black—she hacked into the cake she’d frosted last night before bed, poured skim milk into a fluted wineglass, and drew herself a bath complete with scented Dead Sea salts.
By candlelight, she soaked in the steaming water, eating chocolate cake and sipping milk from crystal. A fine start.
When her fingertips had shriveled, the water cooled, and there was nothing left but smears of icing on the plate, she climbed from the tub. Time for some serious primping.
Two hours later, shaved, plucked, and sporting a new pair of low-riding jeans, she stood in the driveway, while Nick threw some “essentials” into his overnight bag—his Xbox and controllers. Teenage boys had a seriously warped sense of essentials. While Lydia waited for him in her car, Ronni chatted with her once almost mother-in-law.
Wonders, apparently, never ceased.
“I left something for you on the kitchen table, Mom,” Nick said as he bounded past.
“Okay, sweetheart. See you tomorrow.” Ronni turned to go into the house.
Lydia leaned out the window, calling her back to the car while Nick loaded his bag in the backseat. “Ronni?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you. All these years, having Nick on Ian’s birthday...” Lydia’s blue eyes got shiny. “Well...it’s meant a lot. Makes the day...easier.”
“Good. I’m glad.” And she was. The loss of a child had to be the most difficult thing a woman could experience. Ronni hoped never to know for sure.
Back in the kitchen, she found a DVD and a note on the table. “Mom,” the note read, “thought you might like this. I converted old home videos to digital and burned this. It’s a special collection I put together for you. Happy Dad’s Birthday. Love, Nick.”
Pleased, Ronni took the disk into the living room. Which was where Hayden found her sometime later, laughing and crying at the same time, a stack of crumpled tissues on the end table next to her, more in her hand.
Three weeks had passed since he’d come to her rescue, the night the police had taken Nick into custody. Three weeks during which he’d spent more and more time with them. Feeling more like a family.
More time with her feeling like...something she really wanted. The attraction between them had become damn hard to ignore. When she’d invited him to spend Ian’s birthday with her—and her alone—he’d jumped at the chance.
Hayden sank to the sofa beside her. “What’s going on?”
She blew her nose. “I’m mad. There’s no crying on Ian’s birthday. And Nick made me cry. He made this DVD of Ian and me, and Nick as a baby....”
“Horrible child. I’ll beat him immediately.” Hayden turned his attention to the screen—just in time to see the camera pan down to her butt.
She slapped him on the shoulder. “And who filmed that? Nice close-up of my ass.”
“Exactly. It was a nice ass. Is,” he amended, before she could smack him again. “What can I say? It caught my attention.”
Ignoring the flirtation, even though it made her heart beat faster, Ronni clicked off the television and stood up. “This wasn’t on the agenda today. Especially not the crying. But I’m glad Nick made it for me. Getting to see Ian again... So vibrant, so full of life. And that’s what we’re going to do today.”
Hayden jumped to his feet. “What, exactly?”
“Live. One hundred and ten percent. Full throttle.”
His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “Full throttle?”
“Yep. You brought your bike, right?”
“Yes. Didn’t you hear me pull in?”
“I was sort of focused...” She gestured at the TV.
“When you said full throttle, I didn’t think you meant the bike.” He stepped toward her, consuming the space between them.
Despite the central air, the heat in the room spiked to match the heat wave outside. Breathing became difficult. She glanced up, meeting Hayden’s deep blue eyes. The meaning—and invitation—was clear.
“I, uh...” Though the day was about living to the fullest, enjoying every moment, she wasn’t sure she was prepared to cross that particular line. What the heck had she been thinking, inviting him to be with her today? It was like inviting a match-wielding arsonist into a fireworks warehouse.
“Am I making you uncomfortable?”
“What makes me uncomfortable is we’re obviously both considering it.”
“I’m fighting it...have been fighting it.” He slid his hand along the side of her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb. “But I’ve never wanted anyone like I want you.”
Her heart jumped. This handsome rogue of a man, who could have any woman he wanted, wanted her. Defective Ronni Mangano, who couldn’t keep her husband happy enough to keep him home. “If you kiss me now,” she murmured, “I’m done for. And I don’t think I’m ready.”
A muscle in his jaw twitched. He closed his eyes, groaning. “Woman, do you have any idea how much strength it’s going to take not to kiss you now?”
“Good thing you’re a superhero.”
For a few long heartbeats, he didn’t move, leaving her wrestling with her own impulses. Was he going to kiss her?
Or accede to her request?
And did she really want him to stop?
She stroked down his shoulder to his biceps. “And very strong.”
“Not helping.” He shrugged off her fingers, then dropped his arm and clenched both hands into fists at his sides. Opening his eyes, he took a determined step backward, drawing in a huge breath and slowly blowing it out. “Okay. Okay.” Another breath. “Well...if that’s not on the agenda for today, what is? A visit to Ian’s grave?” His brows drew together.
She shook her head. “No. Today is about life, not death. We’ll start with a cruise on your bike.”
###
Every time Hayden thought he had a handle on her, she surprised him. And every time he thought he couldn’t be more attracted, he was. Riding on his motorcycle, the incredible sense of freedom, the heightened sense of being in the open air—all of it was better with Ronni on the back. Every time he opened the bike up, she squeezed his ass and legs with her thighs. Which had him looking for routes specifically so he could go faster.
Just for the arousal factor.
He’d had plenty of other women on the back of the bike.
Plenty of other women in and out of his life.
So what was this thing between him and Ronni? Since his brothers had labeled it love, he’d been determined to prove them wrong. He’d gone on several exploratory dates over the last two weeks. Given the obligatory good-night kisses. And not a spark. Not even a hint of a spark.
He’d never kissed Ronni, and they were a powder keg.
She consumed his thoughts. Did she remember to eat? Had she had another migraine? How was business going?
Was there a snowball’s chance in hell for them?
And was he headed to hell himself for wondering? If his mother found out he was involved—or wanted to be—with a married woman, a much more personal hell awaited him. His earlobe throbbed in anticipation of her dragging him somewhere private for a scathing Mom lecture.
Ronni leaned against him, positioning her head near his ear to shout over the roar of the wind. “Head to Waldameer. I want to play Skee-Ball!”
Twenty minutes later, at Erie’s local amusement park, nine wooden balls clunked into the tray of his lane beside hers. “I don’t remember the last time I played Skee-Ball,” he confessed as she picked up the first ball. “No, wait. I think I might have played a round a few months ago at Chuck E. Cheese’s for Ryan’s birthday party.”
She grinned at him, merriment dancing in her eyes.
“What?”
“I’m just picturing you at Chuck E. Cheese’s, surrounded by screaming kids. I don’t think most single men who don’t have kids would be caught dead in that chaos. Actually, most men who have kids would rather die than enter the place.”
Hayden twitched his shoulders. “Probably helps that I’m still just a big kid at heart.”
“You haven’t ever wanted one of your own?”
He leaned over to pick up one of the balls. “Let’s make this interesting, huh?”
“Way to change the subject.” She tilted her head, one eyebrow quirking.
“Okay, the short answer, which is all you’re getting. I’ve never thought about having a kid of my own, or a family of my own, until recently.” He hefted the wooden sphere in his hand. “Now, about that bet...”
“Until recently? Biological clock finally start ticking?”
Crap, she was like a terrier with a bone. “If I win, I get to kiss you. Time, place and duration of my choosing.”
Mouth slightly agape, cheeks turning pink, she stared at him. “Uh...”
Perfect. Mission accomplished. “Just kidding.”
Finally regaining the power of speech, she said, “Oh, no. Bet’s on the table, buddy. And if I win?”
“Seriously?” Again she was totally surprising him.
“Yes.”
A lesser man would have squirmed under her now-frank appraisal. He just flashed a cocky grin. “Whatever you want.”
“Whatever I want?” Innuendo laced her voice, and her eyes twinkled again.
Flirting. His element. “Anything goes, babe.”
“You may regret giving me a free pass.”
“I doubt it.”
“So if I decide you’re cooking for me?”
He laughed. “You’ll be the one who regrets it.”
And so they started. Part of him considered losing on purpose, just to see what she’d do with her “power.” On the other hand, she might actually decide to make him cook. And the ability to claim a kiss from her, anytime, anyplace...
Then two of her balls swooped up and into the fifty-point basket.
“Oh, game on. You didn’t tell me you were a ringer.” Hayden’s next throw, an overzealous one, resulted in the ball bouncing around and ending up in the zero slot.
She beat him by twenty points. The machine spit out yellow tickets that could be redeemed for prizes. She held her strip up, compared it to his. “Hmm...my tickets are longer. I win.”
“By one ticket. How about best two out of three?”
The music of her laughter stirred something deep in his chest. A primal ache that had nothing to do with sex.
Round two went to him.
During round three, Ronni distracted him. On purpose, he suspected. With a lot of butt wiggling. And the low-riding jeans she wore cupped her cheeks in a way that made his hands long to explore those curves. Every time she leaned over to roll a ball up the sloped alley, the powder-pink, short-sleeved tuxedo shirt pulled up, exposing a patch of creamy-white skin.
He wanted to press his lips there.
And everyplace else, from her forehead to her toes.
“That settles it,” she said, dangling another string of tickets. “I win.”
“You do. And I accept my defeat gracefully. What do you claim as your prize?”
“I’m going to have to think about it.”
“What should we do with all these tickets?”
“I’m not exactly in the market for some cheesy stuffed animal.” Ronni ripped one off, held it up, then tucked it into the front pocket of her jeans. “That’s to remind us that you owe me.” She added his to the collection in her hand and walked to the far alleys, where two girls played Skee-Ball under the watchful eyes of their parents. “Here you go, girls. Have fun.”
“Thanks!”
Hayden offered Ronni his elbow. She hesitated only a moment, then threaded her arm through his as they headed out of the arcade building.
Dark clouds filled an ominously gray sky, casting a pallor over the amusement park. Worried parents glanced heavenward while their children, oblivious to the weather, scampered ahead of them.
“Uh-oh. Looks like rain. Sorry, Ronni, but we’d better get the bike home before the sky opens up.”
“You made of sugar? Afraid you might melt?”
“No, I’m afraid of dumping us both onto wet pavement. I can ride in the rain, but I’d rather not. Especially with you on the back.” He’d never forgive himself if he did something to hurt her.
Which was why, despite his flirting, he’d been restraining his impulses to touch, taste...love her.
As they wandered the blacktop paths back toward the park’s entrance, she jerked to a halt in front of a refreshment stand. “Think we have time for a funnel cake?”
The scent of ozone hung heavy in the air, competing with the fried dough and hot oil smells coming from the small shack. “Much as I’m a fan of feeding you, I think we’d better pass for now. We can come back.”
“Nah. We’ll find something else.”
In the parking lot, he revved up the bike, waited for her to climb on behind him.
An all-too-short ride later, he parked in front of his neighbor’s garage just as scattered raindrops began to fall. “Timing’s everything.”
Already standing alongside him, Ronni held her hand out. “Give me the keys to your car. I’ll move it out so you can put the bike in.”
He shook his head. “It’s a stick shift.”
“I can drive a stick.”
“Yeah, right. I remember when Ian tried to teach you to drive the pickup. I like my gears the way they are.”
Another fat raindrop spattered the bike’s gas tank.
“You’re wasting time. I can do it.”
The determined set to her jaw made him reluctantly pull the keys from his front pocket and hand them over. “That unlocks the garage’s man-door, and this is the car key. Just back it out and pull over there.” He indicated the space in front of the neighboring condo.
“Okay.” Keys dangling from her finger, she dashed to the door, unlocked it and went inside. A moment later the overhead eased up. The Camaro’s motor rumbled to life.
Hayden’s shoulders tensed. He waited for the sound of grinding gears. But she smoothly zipped past him in reverse. Nothing happened when she put it into first and pulled into the space he’d indicated, either.
He eased the bike into the garage. After shelving his gloves and their helmets, he went back outside through the overhead. Rounding the car to the driver’s side as the rain took the form of an annoying mist, he yanked on the handle.
The door was locked.
Ronni grinned at him through the window. “Get in, pal, I’m driving.”
“No, you’re not.” He rapped his knuckles on the glass. “Quit screwing around, Do-Ron-Ron. Unlock the door and switch over.”
“Nope. I wanna drive it. Come on, Hayden, let me play with your toy.”
“You want a toy? I’ve got better toys for you. Put the car back in the garage and I’ll show you.”
She sat quietly for a second or two—considering what he’d said? And unnerving the hell out of him. It had been a typical response for him, and though he wanted her in his bed, he hadn’t expected her to take it seriously. “Fine. You can drive,” he told her.
He ran around the hood of the car. Just as he reached the passenger door, the locks clicked open, and he slid into the seat. “The first time I hear even the hint of gears grinding, you’re done. You understand?”
She saluted him. “Aye, sir. No gears.”
True to her word, she didn’t grind them at all. She headed for the other side of town, toward Fairview. The rain picked up to a gentle patter, just enough to need the wipers on the first setting.
“So who finally taught you how to drive a standard?” So much he still didn’t know about her.
“Scott.”
“How’d he manage what Ian couldn’t?”
“Patience. Scott insisted everyone should be able to drive a stick. He didn’t freak out the first time I ground the gears.”
“Oh. Well, good. Glad to hear he had some redeeming qualities.”
She shot Hayden a look. “Don’t be mean. I wouldn’t have married him if he was a total dick.”
“No, it just turned out he couldn’t keep his dick where it belonged.”
When she flinched, his stomach twisted. “I’m sorry.”
She shrugged. “That’s as true as what I said.”
“Maybe. But it hurt you. And for that...I am sorry.”
She scoffed. “He hurt me a hell of a lot more.” Her face hardened.
The urge to pummel Scott had Hayden fisting his hands. Why would a man who had a woman like this at home feel the need to go elsewhere? If you were going to commit to one woman, then it meant forever. Not just until someone else caught your eye. Or some other part of your anatomy.
Semper Fi. Too bad Scott hadn’t been a Marine. One who’d truly embraced the Corps’ motto, Always Faithful.
She turned the car right at the light at West Lake and Manchester.
“Walnut Creek?” he asked, happy for a diversion. “Most people go there to either fish or watch the sunset. We don’t have poles, and even if it were time for sunset, it’s raining.”
“Yeah. I like to watch the rain over the lake, too. What’s with you and the rain? Seriously, you’d think you were made of cotton candy.”
“Rainy season in Panama with my unit provided enough rain to last a lifetime. Keeping your feet dry is one of the most important things they teach you in boot camp. In Panama during rainy season, that’s damn near impossible. But that makes this look like a sunny Erie summer day. This isn’t rain. It’s a touch of humidity by their standards.”
“Without rain, we wouldn’t appreciate the beautiful sunny days.”
“Quite the optimist, aren’t you?” Which explained why she’d given Mangano a second chance. That second chance had come back to bite her in the tail.
“Something I’ve learned over the years. Dunno if it’s optimism, though, or pragmatism. There’s always rain. Just get an umbrella and keep going.”
At Walnut Creek access, where the creek flowed into Lake Erie, she veered off into the old parking lot on the right, away from the marina. The place was practically deserted. A few cars were parked near the main building, a few more down near the dock area, but over here, where she’d decided to pull in, there was nobody. She parked facing the lake and shut off the engine.
“See, made it here with no grinding.”
“Good thing.”
She popped off her seat belt, shifting to get more comfortable. He did the same. The rain pattered softly against the windshield. Out on the lake, small waves kicked up near shore.
“Show me your tat,” he suddenly ordered, uncomfortable with the stretch of silence.
“What?” She turned partially toward him.
“Your tat. The one on your left leg. Show it to me and tell me the story behind it.”
“You know about it?”
“Yeah. The day of the Memorial picnic, when I took you home, I took off your sandals. Nice work.”
She lifted her foot, crossing her left leg onto the right. Raising the hem of her jeans, she exposed a purple object strapped to the inside of her ankle.
“What the heck is that?”
“It’s a purse. Perfect for bike riding.” She showed him the pouch holding her cell phone.
“Compared to that huge thing you drag around most of the time, that’s like nothing.”
She laughed. “Tell me about it. I feel naked without my purse, but at least I can have some essentials this way. Cell phone, license, money, credit card, lipstick.”
“Right. The essentials.”
Velcro ripped as she unfastened it. She draped the purse across the gauges in front of the center console, then shoved down her raspberry sock, exposing the tattoo.
Hayden leaned in for a closer look at the Liberty Bell with the broken heart. Using one finger, he rubbed at the lines the sock had made in her skin. “Now tell me the story.”
“One of Tam’s friends did it for me, the day my lawyer finished the paperwork for the divorce. The day before we were going to file it. The day before I Skyped Scott in Iraq. Brokenhearted, but representing freedom, as well.”
“Wow.” Hayden traced the crack in the heart. Then he looked up at her, letting his finger linger on her flesh. “You ever reconsider filing that paperwork? Going through with the divorce? I mean, now that Nick and Vera know about what happened.”
She opened her mouth to answer, then shut it again without saying anything.
“Truth, Ronni.”
She lifted one shoulder. “I’ve thought about it.”
A glimmer of hope speared through him. “What stops you?”
“Guilt. Fear. Responsibility.”
The guilt, he’d known about. “What are you afraid of, babe?” He caressed her ankle.
“Doing something wrong. Again. Like I did with Ian.”
“Totally different circumstances. What else?”
“Being judged by everyone. Hell, now that the media’s on my story, can you even imagine what might happen if I filed those papers?”
The media interest had waned, but not died completely. She didn’t have a mob of photographers stalking her anymore, but she still got regular requests for interviews.
“You can’t spend your whole life miserable because you’re worried about what other people will think.”
“Sure I can.”
“Well, you shouldn’t.” He let his fingers drift up the silky skin of her calf. “You deserve so much more. I don’t think a little happiness is too much to ask for. You’ve had enough rain. You should have sunshine.”
The patterns he traced on her skin drove her crazy. If she didn’t do something drastic, quickly, she’d be begging him to move those fingers to more intimate places on her body. Bring her some happiness, indeed.
“You’re right. And today is supposed to be about happiness, and living—enjoying life to its fullest. That’s what Ian and I did on his last birthday. We did crazy, fun things. And you’re bringing me down with this conversation.” She jumped out of the car, into the summer drizzle. The car rocked as she slammed the door. She ran around the back of the car, into the wide, empty space of the parking lot.
She crooked her finger at Hayden.
He shook his head.
Tucking her hands into her armpits, she flapped her “wings” at him, clucking.
He raised both shoulders.
“Okay, your loss.” She held her arms straight out, tilted her head back, closed her eyes. Warm raindrops dotted her face, caressing her skin. Waves lapped against the shoreline. Gulls cried overhead.
She let the rain wash over her, wash away another year of existing. Of intermittent pain. Worse, of brutal numbness that so often took the place of the pain.
At least when she hurt she knew she still could feel something.
Life was a gift. That was what Ian’s final birthday had been all about. Milking the most out of every single second they’d shared that day. Every day.
Until he’d run out of days.
Tears leaked from the corners of her tightly closed eyes. He’d be so disappointed in her this year.
For selling herself short. For not embracing life.
For accepting less than she should.
She sensed a presence in front of her, and opened her eyes to find Hayden looking down at her. She hadn’t heard him open the car door or approach.
“There’s no crying on Ian’s birthday,” he said gently.
She swiped at her cheeks with the backs of her hands. “Just rain.”
“My ass.”
A chuckle collided with the lump in her throat and came out a sob. “And a very nice ass it is, too,” she finally managed to say.
“Really? You think? These pants don’t make it look fat?” He turned, gave a shimmy.
“No. You might want to avoid spandex, though.”
He laughed, turning back toward her. “That’s no lie.”
Actually, it was a total lie. Spandex only made his rock-hard butt even more drool-worthy. But he had a healthy enough ego without knowing that.
He extended his left hand. “Well...since we’re here. In the rain. With nobody around... Shall we dance? I hear dancing in the rain is the latest thing.”
“Dance? With you?”
“Don’t see anyone else around for you to partner with.”
Damn. He’d danced competitively as a kid with Judy. Jordan had posted video footage of the pair dancing at Greg and Shannon’s wedding last year. Stomping all over his feet would only make Ronni feel worse. “I’ll just grind the gears. Remember you tried to teach me to waltz years ago? Right after Ian and I started dating?”
“Yes.” Hayden’s eyes darkened. Not with anger, more like with...desire? The rain flattened his spiked front hair. “I remember it pissed Ian off.”
“You made him jealous.”
“He had good reason to be. He knew how I felt about you then.”
“W-what? How?”
Hayden clasped her right hand in his left, placed her left hand on his shoulder. The damp cotton of his turquoise T-shirt clung to his body, accentuating the definition of his muscles. “Stand up straight. I lead, you follow. We’ll take it really slow.”
Before she could protest again, he’d started counting. Too focused on her feet to think straight, she did her damnedest to follow him. And keep her klutzy feet to herself. She skidded on some gravel.
He steadied her without missing a beat. His hand on her waist drew her closer, so near that heat radiated between them. “Eyes up. Look at me, not your feet. One, two, three, one, two, three... That’s it.”
After a few more basic steps, he started guiding her down the parking lot as gracefully as a couple in a ballroom. Before long, they were twirling in circles.
“Oh, my God, I’m doing it.”
He smiled. “You are.” A spark smoldered in his eyes as he drew her even closer. “At first the waltz was considered highly scandalous, because of the partners’ proximity to one another.”
“The original dirty dancing, huh?”
“Exactly. Though they didn’t dare dance as close as this.”
Joy bubbled up in her. Though Hayden detested the rain, here he was, waltzing her around a deserted parking lot, getting more soaked by the minute. Desire, sudden, hot and heavy, coursed through every cell of her body.
“How do you like dancing with the devil?” He grinned at her. “Remember at Nick’s probation hearing?”
“I remember.” He’d told her she didn’t have to dance with the devil to help her son, just with him. “I like it.”
When they whirled back toward the car, she tightened her grip on his shoulder. He smoothly eased them to a stop. “What?”
She reached into her front pocket, pulled out the yellow ticket. She held it up in front of him. “Prize time.”
“Okay. What did you decide you want?”
Life. Passion. To feel worthy and desirable for the first time in almost three years. She could hear Ian’s voice in her head, telling her that Hayden would take care of her.
She wasn’t certain sex was what Ian had in mind, but got the distinct impression he would approve of her with his brother far more than he’d approve of her with Scott.
She drew in a deep breath.
“You.” Voice trembling slightly, she continued, “Let’s live a little. You lead, I’ll follow. Just...take it slow.”