A Glorious Evening
from
The Best American Short Plays 2007–2008
one of five monologues collected by Daniel Gallant under the heading Five Story Walkup
[HARRY is sitting at a table with a flower on it, looking out at the audience. The level of realism for the following is low, particularly for processes that occur: Delivery should be understated, acted with restraint, with only perhaps a hint of emotion at the end.]
HARRY [] I’m really looking forward to tonight. How are you feeling . . . are you cold? Good. . . . It was really beautiful out tonight, wasn’t it? Did you notice there was like a sweet smell in the air when you were coming here? And a good sweet smell, not a bad sweet smell that you don’t know where it’s coming from. A good sweet smell, I don’t know, it’s probably some early flowers, some mulch thawing out, a little wood, probably some sulfates. God, you look . . . So, my cell phone is off, computer off, Blackberry, don’t have one. The TV is sleeping for the night, the radio . . . the radio, maybe a faroff wisp of a jazz song, if anything. But thank God those are all inventions. Thank God we don’t really need any of those things. Thank God all we need is . . . this. I made a few, eh-em, improvements.
[Indicating flower.]
There’s one of these on the bathtub ledge, for the bath before we . . . didn’t draw the water yet. I didn’t want it to get cold. But I figure that’s maybe when we can listen to that jazz, you know? Is there anything better than listening to jazz against running water? And we’ll find a station with not that many instruments. Just maybe a saxophone . . . and a bass . . . just that. No piano. We don’t need piano.
[Smiles.]
I love you. Are you sure you’re not cold? Hot? I can open the window more.
[Realizing something.]
You know what? I think I forgot to brush my teeth. I’m . . . do you need anything? Okay.
[HARRY makes tooth-brushing motion, not that realistic.]
I’m brushing my teeth. I’m brushing my teeth. I’m brushing my teeth. I’m brushing my teeth. I’m brushing my teeth. I’m brushing my teeth. I’m brushing my tongue. I’m spitting. I’m rinsing. I’m back. Hi. Did I miss much?
[Pause.]
I have plenty of protection. And it’s the gentle kind. Everything is taken care of. There’s nothing at all to worry about.
[He breathes.]
What a glorious night. Temperature is right. Smell is right. Sound is good. Vision is wonderful. Touch will be amazing. Taste will be . . . pretty good, well worth it. Well worth it. Smell. Sound. Sight. Touch. Taste. Smell. Sound. Sight. Touch. Taste. Smell. Sound . . . I need just one sec. Will you
be all right for a sec? Excuse me. [He pauses. Stands up.] I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using . . . [Pause.] I’m using the bathroom the other way, I’m using the bathroom, I’m reaching for the switch, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m trying to be quiet, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m looking for matches, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m using the bathroom, I’m finishing up, I’m finishing, I think, I’m ripping off paper. . . . I’m ripping off again, and ripping off again . . . and again . . . and again . . . and I think I’m finished . . . and I’m finished . . . and I’m finished, I’m done. Hi. Sorry about that. Now I just feel . . . perfect. Are you feeling all right?
[Rapid fire.]
Cold hot bored wired up down shy bold deaf blind stifled? Y’sure?
[Sighs.]
It’s such a beautiful evening. There’s this mood . . . this . . . well, it’s the jazz . . . it’s . . .
[Noticing something.]
I’m having a little trouble swallowing. I’m having trouble swallowing. I’m having trouble swallowing. It’s like choking, but I can breathe. I’m having trouble swallowing.
[Louder.]
I’m having trouble swallowing! It passed.
[He breathes for a moment.]
I was saying, swallow, it’s like the jazz, best on an, swallow, old record, swallow again, I’m thinking about swallowing, I’m thinking about swallowing, I’m thinking about swallowing, I feel hot. Are you Okay? I have a little more saliva. It seems to have passed. It seems to have passed.
[He sighs again.]
What a beautiful . . . I just can’t wait. I can’t wait for later. I want to first draw that bath. Then I want to go to the bathroom. I want to swallow. I want to be quiet. I want to fantasize. I want to do everything . . . I want to feel intense, intense pleasure. I’m so excited, you know? Would you mind leaving? Right now? It’s really beautiful out. You’ll get to smell that sweet smell. Remember? The mulch? Now. Go on. Leave. Go on. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out!
[Bringing himself under control and retreating back.]
Swallow.
Breathe.
Swallow.
Breathe.
I’m imagining.
I’m breathing.
I’m really looking forward to tonight.