SCENE SEVEN
(Another corner of The Barras. A couple of handcarts with junk on them which may just be temporarily untended but look as if they’ve been abandoned for good. Only one of the stalls looks slightly more alive. It’s decorated with heart-shaped crimson and silver balloons. NANETTE and PROPHET JOHN come on carting boxes of singles. NANETTE’s a trader. NANETTE’s got one box, JOHN’s got four)
NANETTE: The thing is John how literal I take things. Everything to me is as straightforward literal as the manna in the desert or the burning bush. So when you say once there was a woman I take that to mean once there was a woman, John. Am I right?
PROPHET JOHN: Yes.
NANETTE: I’m no jealous: (the Lord has been with me ever since I was a wee girl, he won’t desert me now). So there was a woman.
PROPHET JOHN: Yes!
NANETTE: I’m just asking! — Cheesey peeps. — I’m only inquiring, John! — So what was she like?
NANETTE: Well I can’t compete with that can I. I’m only here in the flesh. I’m only clothed like the lilies of the fields, finer than the robes of Solomon. — How did she die? — Eh?
PROPHET JOHN: ‘Eh?’
NANETTE: Oh forget it then, effn forget it. If you cannae see what’s in front of your eyes…
(ANN enters, looking behind her)
ANN: Hi there, I’m looking for a single I lost.
NANETTE: Whatever it is we’ve got it here. This is all the singles here you’ve ever tried to forget, I cry just looking at the titles. Tell me a rotten single and I’ve got it.
ANN: Have you got Tom Jones doing The Skye Boat Song?
NANETTE: I could look for you. John, you away and speak to her by the upstairs café.
(PROPHET JOHN and ANN stare at each other)
ANN: You’re… He’s…
NANETTE: Uh huh. On you go John hurry up!
(PROPHET JOHN exits)
NANETTE: Did he ‘speak’ to you, dear? He ‘speaks’ to a few of us… eight or nine just. We call him Prophet John. Uh huh yes uh huh. When the spirit takes him he has wings like to Noah’s dove, but when the spirit deserts him again he’s like a slave.
(NANETTE is thumbing through a long box of old singles looking for the Tom Jones. Basically though she doubts its existence)
NANETTE: The Skye Boat Song?
ANN: It’s no for me.
NANETTE: Are you sure?
ANN: Yes!
NANETTE: The one about Bonny Prince Charlie they made us sing at school to teach us how Scottish we were?
ANN: He loaned it to me… my boyfriend…
NANETTE: Aw.
ANN: I predicted I’d ruin it. I left it lying out till it warped didn’t I. Then I panicked, put it under the grill on just a low flame, to try and flatten it out again? That only seemed to make it worse.
NANETTE: I see.
(She goes on looking. She sings the first verse of ‘The Skye Boat Song’ in a sort of questioning tone as much as to say, ‘Are you sure you’re thinking of the right song?’
Speed bonny boat, like a bird on the wing
‘Onward!’ the sailors cry.
Carry the lad that’s born to be king
Eff this. I can think of better things to do with my index finger! I’ll see if it’s listed. You look through that box there.
(ANN starts to look through a box of singles)
ANN: Are they in any order?
NANETTE: It’s just a whole load of rubbish dear people have flung out: what’s the sense putting them in any order!
(CHARLIE enters)
CHARLIE: Ann.
ANN: Charlie.
CHARLIE: I hope you don’t mind me following you, Ann. I came just to say —
ANN: What?
CHARLIE: Ach. Nothing.
ANN: It’s OK. Say it.
CHARLIE: It’s just that I left the wife. So I’ve no right to even anything, mouth that I am. What I came to say is: sadness.
Y’know? You marry, have a kid, leave them.
ANN: It’s the order things happen in isn’t it.
CHARLIE: What is?
ANN: Sadness. It’s a jumble.
NANETTE: I don’t see it listed. I don’t mind trying to help you dear (we all need help don’t we?)…
CHARLIE: I get confused as well, Ann (if that’s any consolation to you, Ann) (can I call you Ann, Ann). Why when there’s so much sadness and confusion in the world can we not reach out and comfort each other.
ANN: It’s not just the world is it. Even the galaxies are drifting apart…
CHARLIE:… I know…
ANN: What chance have people got?
CHARLIE: I’m trying to get across to the Vicky. Yeah. My mammy’s dying…
ANN: Aw.
CHARLIE: Yeah. She’s no even my mammy. I thought she was my mammy till I came home from school one day and saw this nice lady sitting on the couch and my mammy said this is your mammy, Charlie, say hello. So I said hello, then I went out and played at… (kicking a ball against a wall)… till the long slow night came in. — It turned out my mammy was really my granny. Which explains why she’s a hunner odds (seventy something).
ANN: Awwwwww, Chicory Tip.
CHARLIE: Aw yeah.
ANN: We used to think these singles were forever.
CHARLIE: What does forever mean anyway, am I right. I used to say that to Margaret Mary (the wife, left her), what does forever mean, Margaret Mary? That was half the problem with me and her, what she meant by forever and what I meant was two entirely different things. Ahch, what’s it matter, it’s over… Infinity… y’know?… infinity was beyond her. All I’m saying is (you’re lovely by the way) all I’m saying is… it doesn’t have to be forever.
ANN: Don’t look now, here come my two deadly rivals.
(The BILLY enter with wardrobe, sweat pouring off them and out of breath)
BILLY 1: OK, Billy? Can we put this thing down now?
BILLY 2: (fucked): Is it OK to put this thing down now, Ann?
ANN: If you want, Billy.
(The BILLY put the wardrobe down)
BILLY 1: OK, Ann? OK? All I need is a minute so can everyone no move for thirty seconds. OK, Ann? Because can I explain something, ANN: what the fuck is it with you today? I’m thirty three four now, most men have been married twice the time they’re my age never mind none, so this is my big day too, right? We said that, didn’t we. We said this was my big day too.
ANN: I know we did, Billy.
BILLY 1: Well can you stop treating me as though I’m Billy. You even tell him you love him Ann, you even Ann sleep with him — so he thinks that means something doesn’t he.
ANN: It does mean something.
BILLY 1: I know that. But how’s he supposed to know you don’t mean it the same way as you mean it with me when you treat me the exact same way as you treat him I mean, I’m perplexed so how d’you think Billy feels?
BILLY 2: I feel fine, Ann.
CHARLIE: Are these two annoying you, Ann?
BILLY 1: I’m perplexed, Ann. Y’know? I’m fucking fucked actually.
ANN: Billy, if I could say what I wanted to say, if I could speak the words and hear myself saying them without the dogs of hell tearing my throat out, then I promise, I would. — I’m hoping Fate speaks. I’ve cast my bread upon the waters and I have to wait and see what the waters bring back up.
(PROPHET JOHN enters and gives a single to ANN)
PROPHET JOHN: Here. I fun it by the upstairs café.
ANN: Oh god.
BILLY 1: What is it, Ann?
(ANN takes the single and crosses over to BILLY 2)
ANN: Billy, look what I found. I don’t know if it’s Fate or what it is, I do believe Fate speaks… I could wish she didn’t and maybe we don’t always understand her… which is maybe just as well at times… but when Fate speaks…
(She gives him the single)
ANN:… what we say or don’t say, when Fate speaks our poor words fall short.
BILLY 2: I don’t believe it.
NANETTE: Och… it’s not unusual.
BILLY 2: Naw. That was the second single the so-called white man with the Motown voice released. This is something else. This is an all-time one-off recording also from 1965 that doesnae even exist.
NANETTE: I thought that.
BILLY 2: Decca denied this single down the phone, so did Tom’s manager. I got a wee bit obsessed about it, y’know? Latterly the T. J. Newsletter refused to correspond with me on the subject and my wife deserted me for another fan. I had a single that nobody could explain how it had come to be, or why. Then I got a letter from an Italian called Umberto Eco. It turns out The Skye Boat Song was only ever released by an independent label in Naples that got liquidated shortly after, and I had one of the few copies still extant. That’s why I was upset when Ann toasted it. I went back to her after a fortnight. I couldn’t even fall out with her in the end. That was a shock to me. I couldn’t even fall out with her. I went back and told her, she was the all-time one-off of all time.
BILLY 1: He can’t see it Ann.
BILLY 2: She was the all-time one-off of all time.
BILLY 1: It’s code, Billy: think. Why’s she being so nice to you for christssake.
BILLY 2: We have our own code, Billy… nothing’s broken it yet…
NANETTE: How much would you say that single was worth, Billy?
(MANDY enters, followed by MAX)
MANDY: Charlie. I’m still shaking. I won so much money I don’t know if it’s good.
MAX: The first off at Newmarket, Charlie son.
MANDY: We placed the first and second. I won so much money I don’t know if it’s good.
NANETTE: Hallelujah.
BILLY 2: Ahch! We’re all winners today!
MAX: A monkey-load, an effn ape-load.
CHARLIE: How much?
MAX: Bollocks plenty, put it that way.
CHARLIE: I suppose, on the question of how to split it Mandy, I suppose half…
MANDY:… half…
CHARLIE:… stake-money was yours and half, the other half…
MANDY:… was the fiver you lost when you gave me that stupit bet, I suppose. I suppose if I thought the money was a sign to you to believe in me… and lead you down the path…
ANN: I warned you, Charlie. Tricky? She’s trickier than a crowd of sheep (see when they run at ye).
MANDY: Do you want to count it?
(MANDY crosses to CHARLIE and hands him the wad of cash, which he proceeds to count)
MANDY: We could go and get you some new togs.
CHARLIE: Yeah.
ANN: How much is it, Charlie?
NANETTE: How much is it, Charlie?
CHARLIE: (Fucking) back off (fuckssake).
MANDY: Back off, he can’t breathe.
CHARLIE: This is… what’s the word, Mandy… I’m moved. Y’know? I cannae even count right.
(MARGARET MARY enters)
MARGARET MARY: Can I speak to you a minute?
CHARLIE: Here I am. I’m listening.
(MARGARET MARY would like to speak to CHARLIE in private. CHARLIE’s not interested. He’s holding onto the (as yet undivided) cash)
MARGARET MARY: I’m sorry about your mammy. I’m sorry I didnae believe you this morning. After you came to see me I went inside and phoned your sister and it turned out your mammie was taken bad. So I followed you here.
CHARLIE: What can I say? I tell you my mammy’s dying and you don’t believe me? I was in tears. You were in tears.
MARGARET MARY: I know.
CHARLIE: What did you think we were crying for?
MARGARET MARY: It was sad.
CHARLIE: Sad?! (All I want to do is break my heart. You’d think that would be easy. Apparently naw, apparently it’s a long bastard slog.) Sad?!
MARGARET MARY: I’ve been crying ever since to make up for it. I feel so sorry for ye, Charlie. It’s times like this you need yir family isn’t it and to know they’re thinking about you and hoping you’ll come through and that if you want anything Charlie or need anything you only have to ask Charlie, because I’m still your wife, no matter.
CHARLIE: Sad?! (I’ve lost the place here.) Sad?! Because I don’t want to humiliate you, Margaret Mary, in front of complete strangers, but you’re humiliating yourself, sweetheart. I’m bewildered. I am. When the former person you made your vows to treats you like — then let the shad come up and cover me and take me down — because I’m bereaved of excuses for her. I come to you to let you know my own mammie is dying and you think I’m lying in order to get a tenner off ye.
(MARGARET MARY turns her back on him, embarrassed, humiliated, wanting this to stop)
I’m sorry Margaret Mary but it’s true. I wish it wasnae true as well Margaret Mary, I really do. You gave me a tenner, Margaret Mary! You know what I’m saying? You gave me a tenner!! What does that make me? I’m no even going to try and imagine what it makes me. Because when the former person you made your vows to turns her back on you then let the sun peck my eyes out as far as I’m concerned because darkness has covered the earth and money? Money? I’ll money ye! I’ll give you money!
(CHARLIE tears the wad of money in half)
MANDY: Charlie!
(CHARLIE tears the money in four)
MANDY: Charlie!
(CHARLIE tears the money in eight, and throws it in the air to fall like confetti)
ANN: Oh god!
NANETTE: Cheesey peeps!
MAX: Oh Charlie.
BILLY 2: I hope he’s going to clear that mess up.
ANN: What happened, Mandy?
MANDY: You saw him.
ANN: Did he tear it up?
NANETTE: I think so.
ANN: It was like violence or something, wasn’t it. The way it stands out, bright as confetti after the rain…
(CHARLIE crosses to the wardrobe, upon which BILLY 1 is sitting disconsolate)
CHARLIE: OK Billy, we’ve got a job to do: let’s get this thing shifted — come on come on come on son — shape up and show some effn dignity.
BILLY 1: I’ll see you back at the house, Ann. This is to show you that I understand. You’ve said things to Billy in the past that maybe you shouldn’t’ve said but you’ve said them therefore: whatever: etcetera that I don’t need to say. Don’t take too long though because I’m beginning to start no being able to focus or even see things. OK?
(BILLY 1 walks away home)
CHARLIE: What’s up wi you? Eh, what’s up wi him? OK Billy, it’s down to us two. Come on, Billy, come on, wake up son or you’ll get left behind.
(BILLY 2 crosses to help CHARLIE shift the wardrobe)
BILLY 2: I’ll see you back at the house, Ann.
CHARLIE: Come on, Billy; before the wind blows through me.
(BILLY 2 and CHARLIE exit with the wardrobe. MAX starts picking up the torn pieces of money)
ANN: How much are your knickers, pet?
NANETTE: 50p a pair, fresh from Μ and S this morning. They don’t come cheaper ’less you knock them yourself.
ANN: Give us ten. So how much is that I owe ye…?
NANETTE:… Nanette. Ten pair of knickers is a fiver and a fiver for the Tom Jones.
ANN: Right, we better get on… What is it your name is, pet?
MARGARET MARY: Margaret Mary. You’re the woman lives next close along from me.
ANN: (shocked) Oh, so I am! Well, we better get on…
MARGARET MARY: I’m sorry about your two boys. The two boys that went and hung themselves?
ANN: Oh uh huh. So are you Charlie’s wife?
MARGARET MARY: I believe marriage is for life. Do you?
ANN: Yes. Oh uh huh. That’s why I’m no sure if I’m in favour of it.
MARGARET MARY: I believe marriage is for life. Charlie said to me this one time he wanted a divorce. I went Charlie, even if you’re no married to me I’d still be married to you!
ANN: Anyway. We better get on, MARGARET MARY: I’m maybe getting married this afternoon.
NANETTE: D’you hear that, John — a wedding!
ANN: We’ll see we’ll see we’ll see: I’ve asked the minister to come round and if it happens it happens. I’m under no illusions. Anyway you’re all very welcome, Nanette, the more the merrier, Margaret Mary, 36/3 Arcadia Street, Nanette: no promises but whatever happens something will happen: there’ll probably be a… (an every-man-for-himself-type-thing)…
NANETTE: D’you hear that, John — a buffet!
ANN: Och, it’s a chance to wear a hat, isn’t it. So will we see you there?
MAX: What about me?
ANN: What about you?
MAX: See Charlie (I feel sad for the deaf blind jinx creep, he’s a pal). Look, if ye want me to come along, y’know? Because fair enough, I will then: I’ve carried him this long…
(ANN, MANDY and MARGARET MARY exit. MAX traipses after them. PROPHET JOHN and NANETTE start to pack up, close their stall)
NANETTE: I still don’t believe that single. I can’t imagine it or hear it or picture what it sounds like. I don’t know where the hell you got it from. — So d’you fancy a wedding? I think we should go. We’ve been invited. She must be a bit desperate or she wouldn’t have asked us. So, d’you fancy a wedding. Eh?
PROPHET JOHN: ‘Eh?’
NANETTE: Eh, miserable?
PROPHET JOHN: I do.