ACT TWO
There are two locations; the backgreen and the boys ‘bedroom. Mainly the backgreen should create a sense of spaciousness and light. The wardrobe from Act One has been left out here, abandoned to the sun. The boys’ bedroom is very small and is wholly dominated by a big wardrobe in which two boys have hung themselves. The boys’ bedroom is above and beyond the backgreen. It’s later the same day, about three o’clock on a hot afternoon. There is the sound off of a party. Then someone puts on a record and we hear the pulsing intro of a song which turns into Tom Jones’ legendary version of The Skye Boat Song. BILLY 1 enters the backgreen from stage left, dressed as a bridegroom. He’s carrying BILLY 2’s suitcases which he puts on the ground then sits on, to wait. After a bit MARGARET MARY comes out. In the conversation that follows they don’t really engage with each other, their minds engaged with what’s happening elsewhere.
MARGARET MARY: So.
BILLY 1: Good enough.
MARGARET MARY: D’you think so?
BILLY 1: I’m just sitting here waiting on Billy to come and retrieve his suitcases.
MARGARET MARY: What time’s the minister coming?
BILLY 1: He’s late — So. Good enough. So how’s it going up there? Everybody enjoying theirselves?
MARGARET MARY: Uch …
BILLY 1: Naw naw, good enough. It’s a wedding! It’s a happy event! And (good enough) you want people to share your happiness don’t ye.
MARGARET MARY: I don’t mind people being happy. It’s a happy event. I just think you should’ve the ceremony first then go wild. What’s the minister going to say when he gets here and sees all the carry-on.
BILLY 1: Ahch, they’re only carrying on.
(Beat)
MARGARET MARY: It’s Charlie I feel for. You know Ann and Mandy are only having a carry-on with him and I know Ann and Mandy are only having a carry-on with him but by the time Charlie realises Ann and Mandy are only having a carry-on with him he’ll be a wee pile of bones that they’ve left.
BILLY 1: Ahch well. Good enough.
(Beat)
MARGARET MARY: It’s Charlie I feel for. He’s in fairyland as it is without (dope) and (carry-on). It’s time he woke up, got a suit and remembered who he is. — He’s a different man in his suit. You should’ve seen him at his wedding. He looked so handsome. I looked nice as well but he looked so handsome. When he made his vows he was that serious he looked like a young priest. — It’s Charlie I feel for. He’s like the man in the gospels that found treasure in a field. He’s delighted, so he leaves the treasure where he found it and goes off and gets drunk. Then next day he goes looking for the field again and can’t find it.
(Beat)
BILLY 1: I wonder very much Marie-Therese if you would leave me alone here.
MARGARET MARY: I’m Margaret Mary.
BILLY 1: I wonder very much Mary Margaret if you would leave me alone here.
(ANN enters the boys’ bedroom in a bad mood, slamming the door behind her)
ANN: She’s been dogging my steps all bloody day — the wee minx!
(MARGARET MARY doesn’t move)
MARGARET MARY: Where’s the ceremony to be?
MARGARET MARY: Out here?
BILLY 1: Ann always wanted to be married in a garden.
MARGARET MARY: Aw.
BILLY 1: Yeah (y’know) nice.
(MARGARET MARY still doesn’t want to go)
MARGARET MARY: I’ll wish you all the best then.
(MARGARET MARY exits in the direction of the house. BILLY 1 crosses to the wardrobe. A strong light comes onto the wardrobe in the boys’ bedroom where ANN is now sitting on the bed. BILLY 1 leans his head against the wardrobe)
BILLY 1: Ann? Ann? Are you thinking about me? — Remember the time you phoned me from your house. ‘Billy? It’s me. I can’t speak: I’ve got Billy here.’ Then you put the phone down. Dead, nothing — That’s the difference between me and Billy: all the different things I heard in your voice, all the different things you couldn’t say. — I wish you’d get ready, Ann. Put on some wee thing you’ve never worn for Billy, one tiny wee thing Ann you’ve never worn for Billy and never will. And I promise: when today’s all over you’ll look back and see, you were only ever faithful to me.
(In the boys’ bedroom, ANN starts talking to someone outside the door)
ANN: I don’t know what to say to you. Ugly? I didn’t know what ugly was till you. Don’t pretend you’re no there. I can hear you. I can hear you not breathing. — Creep, creep, creep. — Don’t pretend you’re not there, Mandy, I heard you creeping up (you’ve been on the creep all day). — It’s Charlie I feel for. It’s Charlie my heart goes out to. What chance has he got with you sitting on his knee pointing your tits at him. I hope you don’t think I’m competing with ye. I’m just trying to make sure Charlie has a pleasant time. I stumbled and fell onto his knees by accident — and don’t give me one of your looks! There can only be one of everything, Mandy. There can only be one of each thing. Don’t let the twins confuse you. The twins were the same thing. It was the same thing with the twins. Don’t jumble everything up till it’s all the same hideous mess.
MANDY: Have you made your decision yet?
ANN: Eh?
MANDY: Have you made your decision yet?
ANN: Eh? Yes, I’ve made my decision. Are you happy?
MANDY: What decision did you make?
ANN: Wait and see. So you’re happy then?
MANDY: I’m happy if you’re happy.
ANN: Is that what you say to your men? ‘I’m happy if you’re happy.’
MANDY: Are you happy?
(Beat)
ANN: Nine years. Nine bloody years. I don’t blame Martin. I can’t blame Martin. He was only copying his twin. He wanted to be with his twin didn’t he. He wanted to be the same thing as his twin. Faithfulness. That’s what Martin teaches us. Faithfulness. — We can all learn lessons from the dead, Mandy. — Do you hear me, Mandy?
MANDY: I’m going back to the living-room.
ANN: Mandy! I’m warning you!
(ANN gets up off the bed, crosses to the door, opens it. MANDY’s gone)
BILLY 1: I’m ready when you’re ready, Ann.
(ANN exits after MANDY. PROPHET JOHN and NANETTE enter the back-green from the direction of the shops)
NANETTE: We’re here, we’re here, I hope we’ve no missed any of the excitement. Oh here, I’m quite excited, would ye believe that? I’m in as big a tizz as the bride. D’you like my hat? You don’t think it’s too orange? I mean, it’s no that I want to show my colours but I didnae want to buy a hat I’d only wear the once, where this is a hat I’ll get good use out of. — So! Where’s the bride and groom?
BILLY 1: I’m the groom. Billy.
NANETTE: Oh look, John, this is the groom!
PROPHET JOHN: Can I shake your hand, Billy? Billy, can I shake your hand? Billy, can I shake your hand? Billy, can I shake your hand? Billy, can I shake your hand?
NANETTE: He wants to shake your hand, Billy.
(PROPHET JOHN and BILLY shake hands. JOHN is looking at BILLY like he wants to eat him)
PROPHET JOHN: You’re very welcome, Billy, I have prepared a sacrifice, I have consecrated my guests. Welcome.
NANETTE: Why don’t we go inside and have some food, John? Eh?
(PROPHET JOHN doesn’t want to go inside having found his prey in BILLY I whom he shadows throughout the rest of this scene. BILLY 2 enters the back-green from stage left the direction of the house. He goes to pick up his suitcases)
BILLY 2: I’ve come to get my suitcases, Billy.
BILLY 1: Confident, Billy?
BILLY 2: You only have to observe the facts. You?
BILLY 1: Why don’t you leave your suitcases till we talk, Billy?
BILLY 2: Will you stop calling me Billy, Billy…
BILLY 1: Can we talk?
BILLY 2:… let’s leave our personalities out of this!
BILLY 1: That suits me.
(BILLY 2 puts down his suitcases)
BILLY 1: I can say what I’ve got to say in seven sentences. OK? Then it’s up to you. OK?
BILLY 2: I’m OK, you OK?
BILLY 1: Can we be pleasant then?
BILLY 2: Talk.
BILLY 1: Fine. — I don’t dislike you, Billy …
(BILLY 2 goes mental, comes forward towards the other BILLY, hand in inside pocket of his jacket — i.e. as if he’s loaded, got a chib or whatever)
BILLY 2: I’ll chisel your eyes out!
BILLY 1:… what the fuck …
BILLY 2: I’ll hammer this up your nose, pal.
BILLY 1:… fuck did I say!
BILLY 2: ‘I don’t dislike you, Billy.’ I’ll jump on your face, son.
BILLY 1: I was trying to be pleasant (ya arse) I apologise. Can I take it back? OK? I take it back. Can we start again?
BILLY 2: Don’t call me Billy.
BILLY 1: I’ve apologised!
BILLY 2: Keech-features.
BILLY 1: Right. Fine. I’ll start again. OK? I don’t dislike you. OK? Why should I. Many many ways we’re very similar.
BILLY 2: Haw.
BILLY 1: Many many ways (what did you say?) many many ways we’re (haw?) many many ways we’re (tragic). Identical.
BILLY 2: I hope you know what you’re talking about, Billy.
BILLY 1: Ann, OK?
BILLY 2: Keep it to the facts, OK?
BILLY 1: OK OK, Ann, OK? So. I’m confident. You say you’re confident.
BILLY 2: I’m confident.
BILLY 1: OK then: Ann doesn’t marry me today, I walk from here to death’s door and I don’t come back ever, because I won’t know the way any more. You’re confident, you back out till after today when she’s all yours. You’ve got your suitcases: are you going to walk? — Are you going to walk?
(MAX enters pursued by a bear. The bear is CHARLIE. CHARLIE is followed by ANN and MANDY, then MARGARET MARY, all from the direction of the house)
CHARLIE: Max!
CHARLIE: Max!
MANDY: Charlie!
CHARLIE: Tell me what you said, ya toxin! (He opens his mouth I try to not inhale.) Tell me what you said, ya pollutant!
(BILLY 2 picks up his suitcases and starts to walk but in the direction of the house rather than the shops)
BILLY 1: That’s the wrong direction, my friend.
MAX: You heard what I said.
BILLY 1: So therefore you don’t love her then.
CHARLIE: You’re dead.
MAX: I said when are you going to wake up?
BILLY 2: You’re dead.
MAX: Am I.
(BILLY 1 backs off the BILLY stand-off to look for a weapon)
MARGARET MARY: Will I jump next door and find you a suit, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Margaret Mary! It won’t fit!
MARGARET MARY: It will!
CHARLIE: It won’t!
(MARGARET MARY exits stage left. BILLY 1 has now found a weapon, big lump of metal, with which he faces BILLY 2)
CHARLIE: What’s going on here! Can I call for a period of calm? First Max, now her?!
ANN: We’ll find you a suit easy enough, if that’s what you want. Billy’s got two suits.
BILLY 1: OK, Billy?
(BILLY 2 stands there for a moment then backs off to look for a weapon. ANN crosses to BILLY 2’s suitcases and starts to look through them for a suit. BILLY 2 has picked up a bottle which he’s considering using as a weapon)
BILLY 1: OK, Billy?
BILLY 2: I won’t keep you long Billy.
BILLY 1: Don’t keep me long, Billy.
BILLY 2: I won’t keep you long, Billy.
BILLY 1: He’s thinking.
BILLY 2: Is he?
(BILLY 2 breaks the bottle and comes forward to face BILLY 1. Meanwhile ANN has found a suit which might be suitable)
ANN: Billy!
BILLY 1: (playing ‘cool’) So what are you saying, Billy?
ANN: Billy!
BILLY 1: (‘cool’) So you’re not going to walk then?
ANN: Billy! Has this suit been to the laundrette lately? I think
(Getting no reply, ANN crosses to CHARLIE and holds the brown suit against him to see how it is for size)
BILLY 2: (playing ‘reluctant’). I’m going to have to cut you a fresh mouth, Billy.
BILLY 1: (‘cool’) Face it, Billy: you’re a nice person. Even Ann says it.
BILLY 2: (‘cool’) He’s upset. What you upset about, Billy?
BILLY 1: (‘cool’) I’m fine, Billy.
BILLY 2: (‘cool’) What you upset about, ugly?
BILLY 1: (‘cool’) I’m a wee bit pushed for time today, Billy, can we commence?
BILLY 2: (‘cool’) You do everything in a hurry, eh Billy? Even Ann says it.
(CHARLIE is holding the brown suit against his body while ANN has backed off to get a better look — into the path of the two BILLYS)
ANN:… I don’t know … I can’t seem to make up my mind …
BILLY 1: Out the way, Ann.
BILLY 2: Ann, out the way.
BILLY 1: Ann!
BILLY 2: Out the way, Ann!
(ANN notices the BILLYS are close to a fight)
ANN: I’m trying to make up my mind, Billy!
CHARLIE: Calm down, Billy. OK Billy, calm it.
MANDY: Charlie, you come out the way!
CHARLIE: Calm down or I’ll sort the two of you out.
BILLY 2: Out the way, I can’t see him.
BILLY 1: Out the way you.
BILLY 2: Where’s the bull?
BILLY 1: Or I’ll mistake you for Billy.
BILLY 2: He’ll stampede all over you!
BILLY 1: I’ll stamp you into the ground! I’ll rip out your teeth and sow them into the earth! I’ll obliterate you!
(STUART the minister enters stage right from the direction of the shops, taking in the scene almost without a pause)
STUART: OK, we ready? I’m running late (I’ve got a date tonight) spent the last four hours with a woman wanted to see me said she was depressed (the reason I’m late). I just shouted at her. I said you’ve got seven kids, you live in a toilet and your man gets out of jail next week, of course you’re depressed! The trick at a wedding’s to remember their names. How you doing, wee man (I call her wee man). I know the bride: how are you,
ANN: Uch …
STUART: Are you as nervous as me?
ANN: I suppose every bride’s the same (that’s getting married).
STUART: Last minute doubts?
ANN: Emm …
STUART: OK, Billy?
(STUART goes to shake BILLY 1’s hand. BILLY 1 drops his weapon)
STUART: Good. You, me and Ann are going inside for a blether. Shift!
(STUART indicates with his thumb for BILLY 1 and ANN to move it, and off they go stage left)
STUART: The rest of you stay here till we see what the story is. There’s ten commandments, far too many, right? Pick one and try and keep it till I get back.
(STUART exits. PROPHET JOHN and NANETTE follow)
NANETTE: John, will you try and remember you’re a guest.
(CHARLIE’s focus is off-stage, with ANN: concerned about her fate)
CHARLIE: I’m no too keen on the minister. I’ve got a good mind to go and stick one on him. Eh? Because he’s a minister that entitles him to be ignorant? Ann can do without that (the peril she’s in) she can do without being ordered around by an ignorant wee nyaff.
MANDY: Och, he’s OK.
CHARLIE: He’s not OK, Mandy. He’s inexorable. — Has Ann used him before.
MANDY: Yeah. Twice.
(BILLY 2 leaves his suitcases and exits in the direction of the house)
CHARLIE: If there’s one thing that upsets me, it’s ignorance.
MANDY: I’m hot, are you hot? D’you fancy an ice-lolly?
CHARLIE: You got any money?
MANDY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: It’s a bit sticky getting.
MANDY: I’ll treat you.
CHARLIE: OK, wee man. I maybe do need to cool down.
MANDY: C’mon then.
MAX: I’ll wait here. I’ll be here when you get back. OK? — The seasons I can contend with, Charlie. The seasons I can be philosophical about. I’d be happier if something blotted out the sun for good so that was that and we didn’t have to live with false hopes but the best I can do meantime is (fuck the seasons) pay no heed to them.
CHARLIE: What’s up with you?
MANDY: Does he want an ice-lolly too?
CHARLIE: What’s up with you, torn face?
(MAX gets some of the torn-up money out of his pocket and flings it at CHARLIE)
MAX: That’s what’s up with me! When are you going to wake up and come out of the land of strangers, Charlie? When are you going to wake up and acknowledge your debts? I came up big today, I placed a first and second at accumulated odds of 33/2 and won a monkey-load of money which I handed over to you, Charlie, to divide, Charlie, divide according as you saw fit and now I can’t put it together again!
(Beat)
CHARLIE: I owe ye money, is that it?
MAX: I estimate twenty notes. That’s how I see it.
CHARLIE: Yeah?
MAX: That’s my interpretation.
CHARLIE: When do you want it?
MAX: When can you get it?
CHARLIE: When do you want it?
MAX: I don’t want to be unreasonable.
CHARLIE: Would a few days hence be acceptable?
MAX: You got any securities you can give me meantime?
CHARLIE: Meantime?
MAX: I’m the loser meantime. I’ve got the worry.
CHARLIE: Correct. — C’mon, wee man.
(MANDY and CHARLIE exit in the direction of the shops)
MAX: I’m the one that has to calculate for the both of us!
(CHARLIE’s gone)
MAX: I don’t know how you’re going to account for yourself today.
(MAX crosses the stage, shouts up at MARGARET MARY’s house)
MAX: Margaret Mary? Margaret Mary?
(MAX exits in the direction of the house. There’s a knock on the door in the boys’ bedroom. Then another knock. Then in comes PROPHET JOHN followed by NANETTE)
NANETTE: John. I don’t think we should be here. — This is a bedroom, John.
(She closes the door behind her, maybe goes to sit on the bed)
NANETTE: I don’t see a wedding do you. She’s got plenty suitors, I’ll say that much (she’s got more men than sense). She’s got more men than places to put them all. — I think we should go, John. I don’t know what I see but I don’t see a wedding. And I don’t much like what I do see. D’you hear me, John? Eh? We’re here as guests today.
(PROPHET JOHN goes up to the wardrobe and knocks on it)
PROPHET JOHN: Speak, prophet!
NANETTE: What is it, John? Is it the spirit? Is he close? Is he strong?
PROPHET JOHN: Speak, prophet!
(The wardrobe rebuffs him)
PROPHET JOHN: He says ‘No!’ He says ‘Go!’ He says ‘Eff off!’ They have run into the arms of the goddess. They have committed abominations. They have worshipped Asherah and performed rites.
Danced like wine!
Red like wine!
Like skin turned outside in!
Like the little knot, the little knot that won’t untie.
They danced like wine!
Red like wine!
They saw visions!
Bees!
— clambered out of the sticky sun. Bees!
— clambered out of the sticky sun.
(He stands in front of the wardrobe and opens his arms to it)
Open your arms, sun!
Open your arms, sun!
Open your arms, sun!
(The PROPHET falls onto his knees, then lies on the floor and tries to curl up. NANETTE covers him with something, then goes and sits on the bed)
NANETTE: It’s OK, John. It’s OK, son. You’ll be OK. You’ll be OK in a minute. Do you want me to talk to you? You keep quiet for a minute. Will I tell you a dream I had? It was a valley and it was up to its waist in bones. I was lying there on top of the bones and I was nothing but a skeleton myself. When all of a sudden there’s an avalanche. An avalanche of bones falls on the valley like a deluge and I get pushed under. And when I come to the surface again the valley is up to its neck in bones. It’s nice and peaceful. My bones are all broken and I can see them, scattered here and there, shining in the sun. — You can rest there for a bit. Then we’ll skeedaddle. OK?
(MANDY and CHARLIE enter stage right from the shops, with ice-lollies. They wander on in silence … together but not really … CHARLIE’s focus is in the direction of the house, where ANN is)
CHARLIE: I hope Ann’s OK. — Silence. — I hope she’s (I hope I’m wrong) I hope this silence isn’t ominous. — I’m trying to think my way into her mind. Y’know? Her past.
MANDY: Y’can only inquire so much.
CHARLIE: The mind …?
MANDY: Mmm.
CHARLIE: The mind only goes so far …
MANDY: A healthy mind.
CHARLIE: The mind only (I’m out of my depth here) the mind only goes so far till it’s out of its depth? Yeah. I see that.
MANDY: A healthy mind varies its obsessions.
(Beat)
CHARLIE: I’m a thinker to my cost. First Robert then Martin. What did I say there? First Robert, then Martin. And nobody found a reason?
MANDY: Uh huh.
CHARLIE: Uh huh?
MANDY: Mmm.
CHARLIE: Uh huh naw or uh huh aye?
MANDY: It all came out at the fatal inquiry.
CHARLIE: They said a reason?
MANDY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Yeah?
MANDY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: What?
MANDY: They said Robert was unhappy.
CHARLIE: Right. And was he?
MANDY: Yeah. Then it turned out we knew he was unhappy and we’d never done nothing about it. Then when Martin went and done it as well that was easy, he even left a note. He said he hoped he’d see us both soon.
(She’s won his attention now. Physically they are quite close)
CHARLIE: You’re some soldier, wee man.
MANDY: I don’t normally get personal like this.
CHARLIE: I shouldnae even be here. I’ll say that much for me.
MANDY: You should.
CHARLIE: I know. I know that. It’s like ‘What am I doing here?’ You know? Whether whether I’m deregulated or something — I don’t exclude that Mandy I can’t exclude that I don’t exclude anything which is maybe why I’m so deregulated … So, whether whether I’m deregulated or not …
CHARLIE: Yeah. I do.
MANDY: You feel …
CHARLIE: I’m hypnotised.
MANDY: I’m glad. I thought you might be too weak. Jesus says ‘Follow me!’
CHARLIE: She’s beautiful. You’re lovely too.
(Beat)
MANDY: That’s not what you said when we were sitting on my bed.
CHARLIE: What did I say when we were sitting on your bed?
MANDY: I see.
CHARLIE: I remember Max came in and he said something.
MANDY: Forget it.
CHARLIE: I don’t take it back, I’m just asking what I said.
MANDY: Aw don’t greet! Is my character too strong? Jesus says ‘Follow me!’ What’s her character? — she’s got two men, that’s her character. She believes in numbers. I mean, she believes in numbers (the more the merrier). Or then she tries to improve her character because it’s so weak so she gets three men. — Fine okay fine,’ s fine. You’re weak, I’m strong; you’re lonely, I’ll be with you; you’re lost and I’ll save you.
(Beat)
CHARLIE: I’m trying to think what to say. — See Robert and Martin (which is admirable). See the (Robert and Martin) questions I asked you.
MANDY: You asked me questions so I answered them.
CHARLIE: I admire that. What I’m saying, I went question and you went answer (which, good enough).
MANDY: I was showing you my character.
CHARLIE: I admire that. What I’m saying, it’s good you’ve recovered.
(Beat. Then MANDY turns and exits)
CHARLIE: What? Did I say something wrong? What did I say? I said it’s good you’ve recovered. I think that’s what I said. Is that no what I said? — I’m lost here. Does she want me to follow her, is that it? Oh god. She’s coming back.
(MANDY enters)
MANDY: I tell you my secrets and you say them back to me in different words?
CHARLIE: Naw, Mandy.
MANDY: I tell you my dreams and you interpret them?
CHARLIE: Naw, Mandy.
MANDY: I put my heart out on a dish and you lick it?
MANDY: Where am I: Babylon? Here’s another question: the king of Babylon had a dream so he summons all the wise men and fortune-tellers and says to them ‘Ι had a dream. Tell me what it means.’
CHARLIE: What was the dream?
MANDY: No! ‘No!’ the king says (’f you’re so fucking smart!) ‘Tell me what I dreamt first. Then you can interpret it.’
CHARLIE:… guess?
MANDY: Guess wrong and you’re dead! ‘You tell me what I dreamt then I’ll know you’re the One.’ See? We don’t worship the sun do we. The sun can no more think than we can. The sun can no more think ahead.
CHARLIE: no more think ahead
MANDY: no more think
CHARLIE: think ahead than any other sunstroked bastard that can’t think ahead.
MANDY: the sun
CHARLIE: heatloss! (is all sun is)
MANDY: fat sun no more think ahead than think, all it wants to do is pish its fat shine away till it’s over!
CHARLIE: You’re crying.
MANDY: I’m not.
CHARLIE: She’s crying.
MANDY: I am not crying.
CHARLIE: What are you crying for, snottery?
MANDY:… anybody can ask questions. I want someone that can see right through me, someone that can see the back of my face.
(He’s behind her. They are physically very close again. If she were to turn they would be as close as they could be without actually touching)
MANDY: So. Do you see now who I am?
CHARLIE: Yes. I do.
MANDY: And do you believe in me?
CHARLIE: Yes. I do.
MANDY: Say it then.
CHARLIE: I believe in you.
(She embraces him. In the boys’ bedroom PROPHET JOHN bestirs himself, gets up)
NANETTE: OK? — Will we go? — I’m no jealous, John: I just think we should go and have a nice day somewhere. We’ll see if we can sneak away when nobody’s looking.
(PROPHET JOHN exits the boys’ bedroom, followed by NANETTE. Out the back-green …)
CHARLIE: Will we sit down?
MANDY: Where?
CHARLIE: Do you not want to?
MANDY: Uh huh. Do you want to?
CHARLIE: Out the way somewhere maybe?
(ANN enters the back-green)
ANN: I see. Uch well.
CHARLIE: Ann.
ANN: Uh huh. Oh well. So long as you’re happy.
CHARLIE: She’s just been crying, Ann. Haven’t you, wee barra.
ANN: So long as she’s happy. How about you, Charlie?
CHARLIE:… I’m happy if you’re both happy …
ANN: Did you hear that, Mandy?
MANDY: Uh huh.
ANN: We’re all in harmony.
CHARLIE: So, are we going to have a happy ending?
ANN: (fierce) Are you fucking stupit?
CHARLIE: I meant, is there going to be a wedding?
ANN: Yes there’s going to be a wedding! — Stuart says people think a wedding’s a happy ending but it’s not.
(MARGARET MARY enters, carrying a suit. MAX is with her)
MARGARET MARY: Charlie. I brought you the suit.
CHARLIE: MARGARET MARY: look: I appreciate the bother you’re giving me. But just because a suit fits one man doesn’t mean it’s going to fit a completely different man, especially when one of the men is a twisted wee jobby like your da!
MARGARET MARY: Try it on.
CHARLIE: He’s an animal, Mandy. The last thing I want to be seen dead in is his shitey brown suit.
MARGARET MARY: It’s the suit you wore to your wedding isn’t it.
(Pause)
CHARLIE: It just shows how wrong ye can be.
MARGARET MARY: Remember?
CHARLIE: It was the proudest day of my life.
MARGARET MARY: You looked really handsome in it … I looked nice too, I suppose.
MANDY: Can I see it, Margaret Mary?
CHARLIE: It’s a good suit.
MAX: It is a good suit. I’ve had a wee look at it myself.
MARGARET MARY: We wanted the best didn’t we.
CHARLIE: It was a symbol of the way we wanted things to be wasn’t it.
MARGARET MARY: Remember our wedding? Remember the downpour when we came out of the chapel? Downpour? It was like a sea dropped on us! Remember? By the time we got into the cars the bridesmaids ‘dresses were transparent, they were crying, I was crying, my mammie was crying. The rain! Then my uncle Peter stood up at the reception and sang ‘Pennies From Heaven’. Remember? So that was it: my Aunt Celine walked out on him there and then. She ended up in Australia eventually, at her sister’s. Remember? Then Uncle Peter went and died and Aunt Celine sent us a postcard.
(Beat)
CHARLIE: Listen: thanks, MM.
MARGARET MARY: Uch! You can go and visit your mammie now, looking half-decent.
CHARLIE: Listen: thanks, OK? At a time like this ye need reminded.
MARGARET MARY: I better go to the shop, get some confetti. Och (y’know). Nice. Let me see you in your suit before you go, OK?
(MARGARET MARYexits in the direction of the shops)
MANDY: Come on then, Charlie.
ANN: Where’s he going?
MANDY: You can get changed in my room.
ANN: Let me see if he’s got everything, Mandy.
MANDY: See what?
ANN: See men! She’s put a freshly ironed shirt in there for him.
MANDY: Some people would give up.
ANN: She tries doesn’t she. She’s a trier.
(There’s been no visible struggle but ANN now sets off with the suit)
ANN: Come on, Charlie: we can get changed together.
MANDY: He can use my room if he wants.
ANN: He can use the boys’ bedroom.
MANDY: He can use either.
ANN: He can use the boys’ bedroom, Mandy. The last time I opened the door to her room Charlie she had a fox in there!
MANDY: A fox?
ANN: I couldn’t believe it either, Charlie, the smell was inedible.
(BILLY 2 enters the back-green to retrieve his suitcases)
BILLY 2: I’ve come to get my suitcases, Ann.
ANN: OK, Billy.
BILLY 2: You better go and get ready, Ann.
ANN: OK, Billy. Come on, Charlie.
(ANN exits towards the house)
MAX: I’ll be keeping my eye on ye, Charlie. That suit’s your one possible possession. I don’t want to lose ye. OK?
MANDY: Charlie, I don’t want to lose ye either.
(CHARLIE exits in the direction of the house. MAX retreats in the direction of the shops, to somewhere he can cover all exits)
BILLY 2: I’ve just come to get my suitcases, Mandy. Then I’ll go. Ahch, just disappear is the best thing. — How y’doing anyway, wee man?
MANDY: Och …
BILLY 2: Because you tend to get a wee bit forgotten at times. How y’feeling?
MANDY: Och …
BILLY 2: Ahch, I’m no too bad. Some ways (now it’s happened) I feel more calmer or more tranquiller or more serene, like when I walked out of my bus-crash into that field of cows. How you feeling?
MANDY: Och …
BILLY 2: Yeah, I know: I’m as bewildered as you are by it. — She says she still wants to see me though.
MANDY: Listen: if I don’t see ye again, all the best.
BILLY 2: Treasure.
(MANDY exits in the direction of the house. BILLY 2 wanders over to the back-green wardrobe, leans against it. A strong light comes onto the wardrobe in the boys’ bedroom)
BILLY 2: The way you touched me, Ann. The sex, Ann. Was the sex too good, is that it? Was it too much? I’m sorry Ann if it was too much at times … your nipples are the highest I’ve been. Or is it because I don’t know many words? Because I’m too sensible? If I could only get out of (I’m in a lift. I’m in a high-rise. I’m in a lift in a high-rise. I get out different floors. Four doors. Back in the lift. I wish I was a horse on glue I’d kick more pints of blood out that lift than it knew it had!) If I could only get out of my mind! Would you love me then? I try. I want to. The views would be something else. I nearly can. I can hear but I can’t see. A screaming flock of voices? You calling ‘Billy! Billy!’ — the horse is true, Ann. These kids found it in a field. They put some of their glue in a plastic bag, Ann, used it as a nose-bag. Then they stuck the horse in our lift. They both got broken, Ann.
(He takes off his tie and makes it into a noose)
Why I’m doing this, Ann … because I’m broken, Ann and … just to be the closest to you I can be …
(BILLY 2 goes inside the back-green wardrobe. ANN and CHARLIE come in the boys’ bedroom)
ANN: This is the boys’ bedroom.
CHARLIE: Right.
ANN: Uh huh.
CHARLIE: Right.
ANN: This is where the boys slept.
CHARLIE: Is it OK to sit on the beds?
ANN: Yes!
(They continue to stand)
ANN: I better go and get ready.
CHARLIE: I spoke to Mandy. It was good, Ann. She helped me to see ‘What am I looking for?’ Right? Why all the questions? I know all I need to know. What a good feeling. I know all I need to know.
ANN: I’ve told Billy and Stuart to go out the back and wait. I won’t be long.
CHARLIE: Right.
(ANN goes. CHARLIE starts to get changed into his suit. BILLY 1 and STUART enter the back-green from the direction of the house. BILLY 1 crosses the entire stage, making sure the other BILLY has gone)
BILLY 1: He’s gone. He’s gone and left his suitcases. — I think Ann will go through with it now. Eh? D’you think she’ll go through with it?
STUART: I hope so, Billy. I hope so.
(Then they start waiting: whistling, jiggling keys or coins or whatevers in their pockets)
BILLY 1: Listen to that.
STUART: What?
BILLY 1: Nothing. The day. What time’s it?
STUART: Late.
BILLY 1: This time of day (day like today) the day’s got no memory. Kids. Wee weans. Remember? We used to spend hours. — What time’s your big date?
STUART: It’s no a date, Billy.
BILLY 1: You said it was a date.
STUART: I was kidding. I’m having someone round to my flat.
BILLY 1: Yeah?
STUART: And cooking for them. Which is why the time.
(They wait some more)
BILLY 1: Who?
STUART: It’s no a date, Billy. It’s a man.
BILLY 1: Good enough.
STUART: He’s a very pleasant, very young, naive young Catholic man I met on a train-journey in Morocco. Anyway he phoned me up to say he’s going through a crisis of some kind and could we meet up.
BILLY 1: I see. Are you hoping to turn him?
STUART: Eh?
BILLY 1: Are you hoping to convert him? If he’s a naive young Catholic …
STUART: I don’t think I’d want to change that, Billy … (We all go our own sweet way to perdition.)
(Inside the boys’ bedroom, CHARLIE, suit on, a new man, raises his hand to knock on the wardrobe door when someone knocks on the bedroom door)
CHARLIE: Who is it?
ANN: It’s Ann. Can I come in?
CHARLIE: Come on in, Ann.
(ANN comes in, wearing her wedding outfit, and closes the door behind her)
ANN: They’re waiting on me.
CHARLIE: You look great.
ANN: You look great too.
CHARLIE: Like a bride and groom.
ANN: Is it OK to sit on the bed?
CHARLIE: Yeah!
ANN: I come here a lot.
CHARLIE: Sit.
ANN: Sit.
CHARLIE: Think.
ANN: Think.
CHARLIE: ‘Why?’
ANN: Or think about ‘a person’.
CHARLIE: A person?
ANN: Is that what I want to be? (I don’t think a person’s very applicable nowadays.) She’s a person, supposedly. Mandy. Or she tries. She beavers away like a fox. — She hates me coming here. She stands outside and listens. Listen.
(CHARLIE looks at the bedroom door, listens)
ANN: I don’t say nothing. I keep her hanging on.
CHARLIE: I like Mandy, to be truthful.
ANN: She haunts me. — Martin used to come here a lot too. After his brother hung himself. That big effn wardrobe spoke to him. So Martin said. He heard voices. — Faithfulness. That’s what Martin teaches us. He wanted to be with his brother didn’t he. I’ve said that to Mandy. After Martin went and hung himself? She went and took against him, I had to say to her, ‘He wanted to be with his brother, Mandy!’ — Martin came back from the dead and explained everything. He explained he was dead and Robert was dead too. I said, ‘Oh Martin, explain to me!’ He said, ‘I’ve explained.’ It was good though, we stayed up all night having a laugh. I kept thinking he’d go, I kept thinking ‘He’s going to go!’ Then the ceiling fell in. I thought I was dreaming but no, I was found on the floor bleeding from the ears and a cracked skull to ponder. The ceiling was good as new though.
CHARLIE: Who found you?
(Silence. CHARLIE looks again at the bedroom door)
ANN: The dead are like kids, Charlie. The dead are like wee kids. They don’t know the difference between one thing and another. A pavement? That’s something to play with. They pull bricks out the pavement and dump them on the road don’t they. A fence is another thing. A fence is a joke round here. They laugh at a fence. They take things apart till you can’t tell the difference between one thing and another. — Come here and sit beside me.
(CHARLIE crosses and sits on the bed)
CHARLIE: Ann … any way I can console you Ann … You’re no ugly, that’s one thing I will say.
ANN: Oh Charlie … What am I going to do now …
CHARLIE: Whatever, Ann …
ANN: What’s my instincts telling me?
CHARLIE: Maybe just … no to think too much …
ANN: I suppose we’re all only skin deep. I’m glad you like Mandy.
CHARLIE: I like Mandy.
ANN: She used to be lovely. I’d look at her when she was wee, when she was asleep. You know how: tulips at night, when they close up? Uch, I suppose she’s still lovely.
CHARLIE: She’s nice. She’s nice enough. She’s a nice person.
ANN: She wants to save you.
CHARLIE: She wants to save me from …
ANN:… save you for …
CHARLIE:… save me from …
ANN:… sin …
CHARLIE:… yeah? …
ANN:… is that what you want? …
CHARLIE:… sin? …
ANN:… mmm …
CHARLIE:… we all want to be good …
ANN:… I know …
CHARLIE:… we maybe just don’t know how …
ANN:… what’s my instincts telling me? They’ve all gone away and fled …
CHARLIE:… yeah? …
ANN:… yeah …
(CHARLIE touches ANN. ANN moves into him)
CHARLIE:… what are we doing? …
(ANN and CHARLIE start kissing)
ANN:… what’s happening? …
CHARLIE:… I don’t know …
ANN:… I can’t remember what’s even happening …
(ANN and CHARLIE are now climbing all over each other. They look as if they We heading for wild sex … erogenous zones are being handled … MANDY comes through the bedroom door)
MANDY: Right you: out!
ANN: Mandy!
MANDY: Out!
ANN: Oh she’s ugly, oh she’s ugly! Oh look, I’ve left half my face on Charlie.
MANDY: You can put your face back on, on the way.
ANN: How do I look, Charlie?
CHARLIE: Ugly. I’m kidding. You look fine, Ann.
ANN: Are you sure?
CHARLIE: Yeah.
ANN: Wish me all the best then.
CHARLIE: I wish you all the best, Ann.
(ANN goes)
MANDY: Wish us all the best, Charlie.
CHARLIE: I wish you all the (so I’m — what? — I’m something to be torn apart by horses? — yeah?)
(MANDY goes out the bedroom door. Out the back-green …)
BILLY 1: Has it gone dark?
STUART: Patience, Billy, patience: (we’ll all be in glory soon enough).
(CHARLIE goes out the bedroom door. PROPHET JOHN enters the back-green with a mattress and some bed-sheets, followed by NANETTE)
NANETTE: John, I’m beginning to lose my patience, John, where are you going with Ann’s sheets!
(PROPHET JOHN starts making up a bed)
NANETTE: John, what on earth are you playing at! John, I think we should go, John. I came here hoping for a wedding as I’m sure Billy did and I’m no staying for a lot of carry-on. We’re guests here.
(PROPHET JOHN goes to shake Stuart’s hand)
PROPHET JOHN: Can I shake your hand, pastor? Can I shake your hand, pastor? Can I shake your hand, pastor?
(They shake. PROPHET JOHN holds STUART in his grasp)
PROPHET JOHN: (to STUART) My bride has many names. She was taken from her bed in the secret of the night, and driven from the land, herself and her handmaidens and her counsellors. I know her as Asherah. I’ve prepared a marriage-bed.
NANETTE: Ahch, yir arse in parsley! C’mon, John, c’mon, we’re going, we’re off, quick before Ann comes out here and obliterates you or I do it for her! — Oh, smelly knickers: too late, here she comes. Here comes the bride.
(MARGARET MARY and MAX enter the back-green from the direction of the shops)
BILLY 1: Ann?
NANETTE: She’s on her way.
BILLY 1: Oh god. So she is.
MARGARET MARY: What’s happening?
NANETTE: Surprise! There’s going to be a wedding after all.
BILLY 1: Can we get lined up then! Can we get into some kind of order here instead of standing around looking surprised!
(They get into a line-up of sorts; NANETTE starts dah-dah-dahing the bridal march and PROPHET JOHN awaits his bride. ANN enters at speed, followed by MANDY)
ANN: I’m here, I’m here.
MARGARET MARY: Awwwww.
BILLY 1: Ann, you look — glorious.
ANN: Do I?
MARGARET MARY: So she does.
ANN: For once.
BILLY 1: Not for once.
ANN: Not for long.
STUART: Will we get lined up then?
MAX: Where’s Charlie, has he sneaked off? Eh? Because I know Charlie, and I can tell you he’s a hole for snakes.
STUART: OK, Billy?
BILLY 1: I’m —
STUART: OK, Ann?
BILLY 1: — ecstatic.
ANN: Quick, before I’m old.
(They are now more or less lined up. PROPHET JOHN has placed himself beside ANN like he’s the groom)
STUART: We’ll keep it short. Ann, Billy, want to get married and here we are. The bride’s lovely, the groom’s a fine-looking man, it’s a lovely day. What do I know? The great thing is: we hope.
ANN: Did you invite your fat pal, Mandy?
MAX: No.
ANN: Naw. I’m her only interest in life.
STUART: Hope, like Noah’s dove sent out upon the face of the Flood; hope which, without it there is no living. A wedding is all about hope. We hope maybe for a happy ending or maybe we hope to do something that will stand for all time.
ANN: Her fat pal’s no even her pal, she’s just a big fat stupit lassie. You don’t see her for months and then you come home from work and there’s ugly lying on the couch under a duvet and six empty cans of diet coke, feeling sorry for herself. How many abortions does she intend to have?
STUART: And yet nothing stands for all time. Everything, thankfully, passes. So spend your days with the one you love, all the lovely futile days God gives you under the sun.
(STUART now moves to the service proper and a slightly less casual more solemn tone)
STUART: Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labour in vain. Billy, Ann, we have come here in the presence of God and these witnesses so you can be joined in marriage. As God made a covenant with his people in the desert so now you will make a covenant with each other. This is not something to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly but thoughtfully and reverently. Cherish today and the vows you are about to make.
This man and this woman are about to pledge themselves before God and man. I therefore ask you all — if you know any reason why this man and this woman may not lawfully be joined in marriage to speak now since no one speaks, let us ask God’s blessing on this union. Almighty Father —
MARGARET MARY: Can we stop this?
ANN: It’s like —
BILLY 1: Like what?
ANN: Like. Does anyone else feel it? Like the sun’s fell off his chariot in the sky.
NANETTE: I think maybe.
ANN: Is some one missing?
MAX: Is it you do you think?
ANN: Apart from me.
STUART: It’s not too late to stop.
ANN: No! I’m just saying.
STUART: Billy, if you’d like to take Ann’s hand — and say after me the words of the covenant. I, William Shearer —
STUART: I, William Shearer —
(CHARLIE enters from the direction of the house in a dionysiac rage)
CHARLIE: I’ve just come to say I’m off. I’m off, Ann. I’m off, Mandy.
ANN: OK, Charlie
CHARLIE: OK?
ANN: OK. See you again mibby.
CHARLIE: OK. Max, are you coming, son? (I feel sorry for you Billy, I fucking pity you to fuck). C’mon MAX: let’s get out of here: because the one good thing about Max (someone dipped the evil bastard in poison) he’s a lying fuck but fuck me (I mean it) Max lies …
ANN:… (don’t, Charlie) …
CHARLIE:… Max is steeped, but he’s never deceived me, Ann, he’s never deceived me Mandy, he’s never led me on to believe, Mandy, or led me into a bedroom Ann and played with me, or tore me in two. I’m no saying I like the jobby fuck and there’s a side to Max I don’t like but yeah. Yes. Absolutely. Yes! How close I am to Max, Billy, I once hospitalised the cunt …
BILLY 1:… (what’s going on) …
CHARLIE:… once hospitalised the cunt. It was his idea. I agreed, I said fine. We were skint so right so fine so OK we go out to look for a shop to rob …
STUART:… (look, Charlie, do ye mind) …
CHARLIE:… you can put this in a sermon, Stuart. So we go under the motorway and past the gasworks across …
MARGARET MARY:… (glory be) …
CHARLIE:… across terrain more suited to the camel until we gets to the local shopping-centre. The problem being society, the shops where we live have all been burnt to a crisp or scalped or fucking robbed …
NANETTE:… (glory) …
CHARLIE:… we gets to the shopping-centre (I get angry about this). The lack of choice is a scandal even from the shopping point of view. They’ve got a half-shut Paki shop.
Time (This is about three weeks ago.)
We’re watching the Paki shop.
Time.
When I’m angry I show it, Billy (one of my good points).
I know the Paki. I go there for my bread, fags don’t I. His name’s Hami, he’s an Indian.
What Time is, Time’s an explosion … naw, explosion and then what Time is, Time’s meantime.
I goes, ‘Max, you want me to go in there?’ He goes, ‘Yes.’
I goes, ‘You want me to go in there and rob him with nothing but my bare hands?’ Max goes, ‘Pretend it’s not you.’
(CHARLIE snaps his fingers)
CHARLIE: Aw man. I … went. I crossed the Jordan. I … whhhho! I … went. There was no nothing, no sky, no ground, no Time. Or like … Time. It was … alleluia … it was … what’s the word, what’s the word … good. Across the Jordan …
(CHARLIE snaps his fingers)
… then you come back. I look down and there’s Max like the skin off some dead animal, like a rucking pelt. I’d very near mauled him to death. I’d very near killed him with my bare hands, Billy. — So d’you get me, Billy? Am I in disguise some kind, some kinna cloak. I’ve came out here Billy, I’ve came out here Ann, cloaked in violence, cloaked in violence, to scatter the truth to fuck! The reality is, Billy. And that’s the reality.
(BILLY 1 finds ANN, who’s wishing she was invisible somewhere)
BILLY 1: (shell-shocked) Ann, after all my best efforts …? — I’m on the verge here … — So did something mibby happen you can’t explain while I was out here with Stuart waiting to get married …? — Are we food for the gods, is that it …?
ANN: Don’t look at me, Billy.
BILLY 1: I don’t know where to look … Nobody does …
ANN: Charlie?
CHARLIE: Yeah?
(ANN crosses to him)
ANN: Oh Charlie. How can I say it? It’s a hellish mess and I don’t want to be here either. You said it better than me. You shone. I want to go, ‘cross’ …
CHARLIE: Cross …
ANN: Across …
CHARLIE: To.
ANN: You can take my face off. Across where pretend who’s not me … Across and murder the whole contents of my brain and hang them from the branches of a tree and have a laugh. And yeah. You know? Yes! And no come back.
CHARLIE: You want to … cross the shining river …
ANN: And no come back.
CHARLIE: And no come back.
ANN: You can pick my bones.
(Three slow dull knocks come from inside the back-green wardrobe. Everyone has a near heart-attack)
ANN: Oh god.
MARGARET MARY: Oh god.
ANN: Oh god.
(Three more slow dull knocks)
ANN: Oh god. Who is it? Oh god. Who’ll hide me?
BILLY 1: I’ll go and look, Ann.
(BILLY 1 goes to open the wardrobe door. ANN picks up a stone, to protect herself)
ANN: You’d better watch it, Martin! D’you think this is an ugly mask I’ve got on? Try taking it off then! Try taking it bloody off and I’ll show you ugly will turn to stone! I’m infested, I’m multiplying, I’m snakes, I’m Legion. It’s you that can’t look at me, it’s you that can’t bear to look at me!
(BILLY 1 opens the wardrobe door. ANN sees Martin. Or rather, ANN hallucinates Martin. The anger that’s released in her is powerful, free-flowing and channelled directly against Martin. At some point during her next speech BILLY 2 steps out of the wardrobe, with the tie tied around his neck, and starts walking towards her)
ANN: Martin! Martin, ya wee snake! Ya wee rat! You can go right back down that tunnel! You can go right back down that tunnel, son! What do you want now? The skin off my back? The bones I stand up in? You’ve already got them, you’ve already taken them away and buried them, son! Don’t you come near me, don’t you come near me — or I swear to God I will let the dogs tear you apart.
CHARLIE: Who’ll strike the first blow?
PROPHET JOHN: We all will.
MAX: I’ll pelt him!
NANETTE: I’ll obliterate him!
MANDY: Stupid old creep!
MARGARET MARY: I’ll bloody wedding him!
(MARGARET MARY throws her confetti at him, violently)
BILLY 2: Ann, Ann —
ANN: Get away!
BILLY 2: It’s me, Ann. It’s Billy.
ANN: Who?
BILLY 2: Billy. I tried my best Ann. I wanted to just be the closest I could be to you. I used my tie Ann. It broke Ann. I’m sorry.
(ANN is well out of it. Apparently she can’t even trust her eyes. She feels ugly. She feels hellish ugly)
ANN: Who are you? Eh? Who are you?
CHARLIE: Charlie, Ann.
(ANN doesn’t seem to know a CHARLIE)
ANN: Charlie?
CHARLIE: You need help, Ann.
ANN: I don’t know a Charlie. Will you do me a favour, Charlie? You know the big hanging thing in the boys’ bedroom? Will you take it away for me? You’re the only one I can ask, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Now?
ANN: Oh please Charlie, save my life.
(Pause)
CHARLIE: Come on, Max: follow me.
(CHARLIE exits in the direction of the house. MAX goes after him. NANETTE and STUART are around ANN. ANN’s putting on some fresh make-up)
MARGARET MARY: Is she OK? Are you OK, Ann? Is she OK? Is that it? Are you OK, father? Is Ann Ok? It’s OK, I’ll be fine in a minute. I’ll be fine in a minute, Mandy.
(ANN is still fixing her face. When she says the next line it’s not clear which of the BILLYS she’s addressing)
ANN: Billy, this is the last I want to see you. I’ve made my decision. I love Billy. I love Billy to bits. I only went out with you to confuse things and once I started I got all mixed up. I wanted to be fair to the both of you (oh god, what a mess) … I knew I was cheating on the two of ye and I wanted to make up for it by showing ye I was a horrible lying cow that wasn’t worth bothering about anyway. Then, as time went on, I lost my flavour.
(She’s crying)
ANN: I’m sorry, Billy. I tried to tell you. I thought you might take the hint when I told you I was getting married to Billy but no. I suppose I led you to believe (which I was, I was!) I was scared. I was scared witless. I was really scared, Billy. I was frightened in case everything worked out the way I wanted them to, and what would I do then?
(CHARLIE and MAX enter the boys’ bedroom)
BILLY 2: I’m sorry, Ann. I wanted to carry your burden, Ann. I’m no very clever, Ann, but I can lift heavy things: and all I ever wanted was to put all your sadness in a box, Ann, and carry it away, even supposing it was heavier than plutonium, ANN: which, it would be, Ann, it would be. — What I would say, Ann: if you really want me to go, if you want me to believe you, say it to my face.
(CHARLIE and MAX carry the wardrobe out of the boys’ bedroom. ANN turns and looks at BILLY 2)
ANN: I want you to go, Billy.
(BILLY 2 starts to exit in the direction of the shops. As he does so ANN’s fear mounts: it looks like everything is going to turn out the way she wants them to and what will she do then?)
ANN: Billy!
(BILLY 2 stops)
What if everything turns out the way I want them to?
BILLY 2: I hope they do, Ann.
(BILLY 2 exits)
BILLY 1: I knew, Ann, when the day was over you’d look back and see, deep down you were only ever faithful to me.
ANN: Oh Billy.
STUART: Will we leave you two alone to talk?
ANN: No! I want to ask Billy a question.
BILLY 1: You ask me any question you want the answer’s the same, Ann: I love you.
ANN: Billy, will you stop trying to scare me away like a ghost!
(When she asks BILLY the question ANN seems almost to be looking more at MANDY, as if she’s asking her the question as well)
Suppose I was ever to be happy, Billy. Suppose I was ever happy. Would you despise me?
BILLY 1: No.
ANN: Would you hate me?
BILLY 1: No.
ANN: You wouldn’t loathe me?
BILLY 1: No, Ann.
ANN: I’m no saying I will be happy. I’m just saying suppose I was. I mean, it’s been nine year now. It’s been nine year now hasn’t it, Stuart.
STUART: Nine years, Ann.
ANN: They’d have grown up and left me by now. The thing is I made them a promise when they died: I swore I’d never forgive myself and I’ve been true as my word. So if I was ever to be happy; which, I’m no saying I will be, Mandy; I’m only raising the spectre that I might be —
(MANDY turns on her heels and walks off in the direction of the house)
Mandy! Will you get back here! Do you think I don’t feel guilty enough as it is, I’m guilty as all hell!
(ANN sees CHARLIE and MAX off, coming with the wardrobe)
ANN: Oh and look who’s coming to cheer me up, my two undertakers. Billy, will you stand next to me. Stuart, will you stand next to me.
(BILLY 1 and STUART stand next to ANN. CHARLIE and MAX enter carrying the wardrobe)
CHARLIE: Is Mandy OK? She seems a wee bit upset.
ANN: She’s a wee bit upset, Charlie.
CHARLIE: It’s just that she seems a wee bit upset, y’know.
ANN: She’ll be fine.
CHARLIE: Are you OK?
ANN: I’ll be fine. (If I don’t fall to pieces.)
CHARLIE: We’ll be fine.
ANN: Thanks for doing your undertaker, Charlie. Will you promise me something?
CHARLIE: Of course Ann.
ANN: I don’t want to see that dumped somewhere, vandalised the middle of the road or some back-green.
CHARLIE: I’m disappointed you can say that, Ann.
ANN: And I don’t want to see you again either.
(Beat)
CHARLIE: Come on, Max. It looks like we’re on our own, son.
MAX: Looks like it, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Come on, Max. We better go son.
MAX: On you go then son.
(CHARLIE doesn’t move)
CHARLIE: I wish you all the best Ann. Today (to draw a line) it’s no been all bad. Many many ways I’ve succeeded. I’ve prepared myself and underchanged my thoughts. And now that I’ve done as much as I can here, which, I think I have done Ann, I can go on from here. OK, Max?
MAX: I’ll follow you, my friend.
(CHARLIE and MAX carry the wardrobe off in the direction of the shops. As the wardrobe passes, MARGARET MARY makes the sign of the cross and bows her head while STUART and BILLY hold ANN, who physically shrinks, as at the interment of a loved one. Nobody speaks till the wardrobe is gone)
BILLY 1: Would you maybe say a few words, Stuart …?
STUART:… a few words …?
BILLY 1:… I thought you might oblige us with a few words of comfort …
STUART: Would we no be better getting a drink down us, Billy! I’ve been on the go since seven this morning, I’ve hardly been off my feet yet, I’ve had poverty drugs depression bereavement bronchitis and sheer bloody misery all day and I’ve still to write tomorrow’s sermon preaching the good news.
ANN: I’ve still got Mandy to face.
STUART: OK, Ann; let’s get you inside.
ANN: Ask Margaret Mary in for a drink, will ye Billy.
BILLY 1: Margaret Mary, will you come in for a drink?
MARGARET MARY: OK. — I wanted there to be a wedding so much.
BILLY 1: There might be a wedding yet. — Stuart, will you stay and have a drink, Stuart? I mean, you won’t run off and leave us?
STUART: It’s OK, Billy: I’ll phone my friend and cancel him.
BILLY 1: Thanks, Stuart. Because we’re nearly there. We’re nearly there, Ann. We’re very nearly there, Margaret Mary. — Love. Love will find a way.
(Like people after an interment, ANN, STUART, BILLY and MARGARET MARY drift off in the direction of the house. NANETTE wants to go with the others but first she has to get rid of JOHN. She goes and picks up ANN’s sheets)
NANETTE: You’re some piece of work, John. I won’t blaspheme by saying you were put together so badly nothing will make you right again. I hope in God and I hope you walk in his light one day but I never want to see the outside of your face or the inside of your mind for as long as I have breath.
(NANETTE exits in the direction of the house carrying the sheets. PROPHET JOHN exits the other way. MANDY enters the boys ‘bedroom. The summer afternoon turns into a summer’s evening. It’s now about ten o’clock, so it’s still light outside. Maybe we hear the sounds of a long summer night, wee boys and girls still playing in the streets after a long hard day of it, but mostly quiet. MANDY’s sitting on the bed in the boys’ bedroom. Outside the door is ANN)
ANN: Mandy! Will you come out of there? Everybody’s still waiting. They’re all round at Margaret Mary’s house waiting on us. — I’m sorry about Charlie. I don’t know what that was all about. You know how when you get something stuck in your teeth? — Mandy? Are you on your own in there? — We can’t Mandy on like this. We can’t Robert Martin for good. That’s what Charlie teaches us. We’re too stuck together. — Is it because I said I might be happy?
(ANN enters the boys’ bedroom)
ANN: Is it because I said I might be happy? — I didn’t mean it, Mandy. I admit it’s crossed my mind that maybe the time has come to maybe foresee a future, which is why I like to get my cards read. I admit I maybe hoped, I do admit that. But as quick as I hoped I just as quick despaired, Mandy, and that’s the gospel truth. — You know me, MANDY: I believe a lot of rubbish. I even believe in happy endings. Do you not? Do you not believe in happy endings, Mandy?
MANDY: Are you fucking stupit!
ANN: Mandy!
MANDY: Eh? Are you stupit, ya dippit cow!
ANN: I’ve never denied I’m stupid.
MANDY: I’ve carried you for nine years, ya mongol! I’ve had dreams about it, dreams where I’m carrying this big mongol over my shoulder like a big stupit carpet and the mongol’s crying and I can taste his tears in my mouth, these warm tears, and I try to spit them out without him seeing. I’ve had nine years of it. And now you want to get married and live happy ever after? If you’re going to be somebody else, who am I going to be! — There are rules. There have to be rules. Otherwise how will I know you’re you, ya Martian. — You’re you and I’m me; you’re weak and I’m strong; you despair and I hope; I lead and you follow; that’s the rules and if we keep the rules, if we keep the rules, if we don’t keep the rules then it’s pandemonium. I don’t like you any more than you do; I don’t want to be me either: I don’t want to be me any more than you want to be you: but I accept my responsibilities. That’s the way things are and we just have to get on with it.
ANN: (fierce). Right you: out! This is the end. I don’t care if it’s happy or no I just want an end so as I can start and if Billy’s going to be daft enough to marry me the least I can do is try to be happy. If I try for long enough maybe I’ll get the hang of it again.
(The unfortunate turn of phrase reminds her of the boys’ wardrobe and she looks guiltily in the direction where the wardrobe used to be)
ANN: I mean, I’ll maybe get into the swing of it again. — Oh, I give up.
(ANN crosses over and sits on the bed, suddenly tired and defeated)
MANDY: So they’re all round at Margaret Mary’s.
ANN: I can’t get married here.
MANDY: So they’re all round at Margaret Mary’s.
ANN: Margaret Mary said why not have the ceremony in her house.
(They sit there)
MANDY: I don’t like sudden changes.
(CHARLIE AND MAX enter the back-green from the direction of the shops. CHARLIE crosses the extent of the back-green. He shouts up at the house)
CHARLIE: Mandy! Mandy!
(In the boys’ bedroom …)
ANN: How are we ever going to get out of here?
MANDY: Do you want to?
ANN: If you want to.
MANDY: OK. On you go then.
ANN: OK.
(Neither of them move)
ANN: It’s just that Stuart’s been very patient.
MANDY: On you go then.
(Uncertainly, ANN stands up)
ANN: Come on then.
(MANDY gets to her feet and actually moves part of the way across the room)
ANN: Are we going?
(MANDY stops dead)
MANDY: I think so.
(ANN starts to move across the room towards the door, moving with blind courage)
MANDY: Are we going then?
(ANN stops dead)
ANN: We seem to be.
MANDY: D’you think I’ll ever have a baby?
ANN: Do you want a baby?
MANDY: I’d probably get pregnant then lose it. I can’t seem to hang on to anything.
(Beat)
ANN: I’ll miss them, Mandy.
(ANN goes out the bedroom door. MANDY follows. Out the back-green …)
CHARLIE: Mandy!
(A big dog barks in the distance. CHARLIE turns round, sees MAX is still there)
CHARLIE: You still here?
MAX: You know I am.
(CHARLIE takes off his suit jacket. He walks over to MAX, holds it out to him)
CHARLIE: There. Take it.
MAX: Eh?
CHARLIE: Take it.
MAX: What does this mean?
CHARLIE: Take it.
MAX: You’re asking me to take it?
CHARLIE: Correct.
MAX: Are you ‘giving’ it to me.
CHARLIE: Yes.
MAX: What happens if I take it?
CHARLIE: Take it and see.
MAX: I’m anticipating.
(CHARLIE drops it, turns his back and walks away)
MAX: Charlie, have I upset you in some way? Is it to do with the seasons? Look, I apologise if I spoke my mind, ya huffy cunt. OK? I’m sorry. Naw, I’m no sorry, why should I be sorry, at least I speak what’s in my mind. You, I have to pull your insides out and read your entrails, ya omen.
(MAX indicates the jacket)
Here’s an example. A jacket? What’s that mean? That’s no use to me.
CHARLIE: Take it, ya jackal.
MAX: I mean, I pick that up (I’m anticipating) I pick that up (that’s immaterial to me) I even so much as pick that up before I even so much as picked that up Time would come to an end rather than watch or look on or even countenance an act so abject as to be beneath a maggot. And if you think I’m capable of that Charlie then maybe the time has come to go our separate ways.
CHARLIE: OK.
MAX: OK?
CHARLIE: OK, leave the jacket and fuck off.
MAX: OK. Fine. — What about tonight? — It’s dark getting. It’s a bit late to be out hunting somewhere to stay. — You’re welcome to come back to the house.
CHARLIE: I’ll be OK.
MAX: You can’t sleep out, Charlie.
CHARLIE: I’ll make a hole.
(Beat)
MAX: OK, well you know where I am, Charlie. — I never anticipated this. I never anticipated I’d be saying adios amigo. — Anyway, you know where I am, Charlie. I’ll be back at the house waiting on ye.
(CHARLIE’s still not looking at him. MAX has no alternative but to just go. CHARLIE sees MANDY and ANN on their way to MARGARET MARY’s and calls over to them)
CHARLIE: Mandy! Come here a minute.
MAX: (offstage) We’ve only got a minute.
CHARLIE: This’ll only take a minute.
(MANDY enters from the direction of the house, fairly closely accompanied by ANN)
CHARLIE: How’s the wee barra?
MANDY: No bad.
CHARLIE: How’s the wee barra? Come over here, till I have a wee word with you.
(CHARLIE wants to detach MANDY from ANN)
MANDY: You’ll have to be quick, we’re going to get married.
CHARLIE: The both of ye?
MANDY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: You’re getting married too?
MANDY: We’re both going to get her married — Margaret Mary said we could have the ceremony in her house.
CHARLIE: I’ve come to get the day. Get the day in some kind of perspective. My mammie died, sadly.
MANDY: Aw.
CHARLIE: Yeah. I never seen her. We’ll get the body back on Monday. So …
MANDY: What’s your favourite part of the body?
CHARLIE: Whose body?
MANDY: Your body.
CHARLIE: I don’t have one.
MANDY: Everybody has a body. I like my neck.
ANN: Mandy! What a thing to say!
MANDY: I quite like my eyes now that I’ve found my tones. I take blues and pinks and sunsets, any colour you see in the sky. She’s earth. She’s more brown and green.
(Beat)
CHARLIE: Today (to get the day) I’ve had worse days thankfully. I’ve admired your Christian breastplate of faith. There was even a moment today when I was happy. You led me to believe … And I believed.
MANDY: Good.
CHARLIE: Do you believe me?
MANDY: Uh huh.
CHARLIE: And … I felt (that) I was no longer alone. Y’know?
MANDY: Yeah.
CHARLIE: Y’know?
MANDY: You’re too sad and old for me.
(Slight pause)
CHARLIE: I’m disappointed you can say that. I am. How can you say that? Fuck. Y’know? I’m describing a moment Christian when I felt like an effing Christian. Don’t forsake me that moment when — when — as I remember it, as I remember it — I no longer wanted to strike anyone. My blood stopped clawing me; and I was glad enough for two.
MANDY: Aw, that’s nice.
CHARLIE: I was glad enough for two.
MANDY: We have to go.
CHARLIE: I have to go too.
MANDY: OK.
CHARLIE: Tell me to be good.
MANDY: Be good.
CHARLIE: I will, I will. And you take care now, you see and take care.
MANDY: I’ll say a wee prayer for you.
(MANDY turns to ANN, smiles)
MANDY: Are you excited yet?
ANN: No! Don’t be daft!
MANDY: Are you not excited? I am.
ANN: I’m too tense.
(Suddenly MANDY throws some confetti over ANN. ANN squeals in excitement, fear, concern for her hair, clothes)
MANDY: (sings) Over yonder valley
Where the green grass grows
Sits Ann Fairley
Washing all her clothes
And she sang and she sang
And she sang so sweet
She sang Billy Shearer
Across the street.
(ANN joins in the second verse. Then, as ANN tries to get the confetti out of her clothes, MANDY exits. The tension between them over CHARLIE has now completely evaporated)
MANDY: C’mawn, mammie! We’ll be late!
ANN: Wait for me, Mandy! — Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. Oh Billy darlin’, I’m coming, I’m coming.
CHARLIE: Will you tell Margaret Mary the bad news?
ANN: Oh uh huh.
CHARLIE: She’ll want to know.
ANN: I’ll let her know.
CHARLIE: Don’t let it spoil your happy event.
ANN: Do I look OK?
CHARLIE: If I was the groom I’d be a happy man.
ANN: Aw, that’s nice. Oh Billy darlin’, I hope I don’t cry too much. All I want is to have one happy day one day.
(ANN exits in the direction of the house. CHARLIE watches till she disappears from his sight. Then he thinks about going away. He doesn’t know where to go. He crosses the stage, stops, covers his face. Maybe he sits down)
CHARLIE: ‘What is it, Charlie son? Are you OK? You’re awfy quiet, son. You were out awfy late. Were you playing football? Ah you stick in, Charlie son, you’ll be playing for the Celtic one of these days. You’re awfy quiet, son. Was it the nice lady? Did the nice lady scare you? It’s OK. She’s gone. She’ll no come back again, son, I’ve seen to that. I’m your mammy, son, always have been, always will be. — Have you said your prayers? We’ll say a prayer then I’ll tuck you in. OK? Will we say a prayer? I’ll say the words and you say them after me.’
(The words of the prayer are spoken with a pause after each phrase in which we imagine the seven-year-old CHARLIE repeating the words after his mammie/granny)
‘Hail, holy queen …
mother of mercy …
Hail, our life …
our sweetness and our hope …
To thee do we cry …
poor banished children of Eve …
To thee do we send up our sighs …
mourning and weeping in this vale of tears …
Turn then, most gracious advocate …
thine eyes of mercy towards us …
and after this our exile …
show unto us the fruit of thy womb Jesus …
Ο clement …
Ο loving …
Ο sweet Virgin Mary.’
(Silence, CHARLIE wipes his eyes. Then gets to his feet and starts to make a move. Then from offstage there is the sound of applause, pleasure, a happy event. CHARLIE hears it, stops, looks up in the direction of MARGARET MARY’s. Then goes. It gets dark)