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THEY DROVE THE SHORT distance to the park and Renata ordered Juliette to stay with Tootles in the car while she went in search of the Bible. She returned quite some time later, books in hand, just as Juliette was beginning to worry.
Once in the car, instead of driving away, she just sat there. Juliette waited, but didn't say anything. She knew if Renata wanted to talk about something, she would. Finally, the younger woman spoke, not looking at Juliette, just staring straight ahead through the windshield.
"I wasn't snooping, okay? But when I got to the bench, your notebook had blown open, and I saw the first page." She took a deep breath. "I have to ask. Are you writing to Angela Clinton?"
Juliette looked down at the notebook where it now rested on the floor at her feet. She hadn't planned on talking to any of her sisters about Angela, at least not yet, and especially not Renata. She didn't want her judging her or bossing her around, but the decision had been taken out of her hands.
"Well, the thought had occurred to me." Juliette shrugged. "But as you saw, I didn't get very far."
Renata snorted. "No, you didn't. How long did it take you to write her name?"
"I don't know. Half an hour, maybe."
"It took me two days," Renata stated, finally meeting Juliette's gaze in the rear view mirror. "Once I even made it as far as 'How are you?' before I realized that's probably one of the stupidest things I could ever ask a girl in prison. Usually, I just stare at her name for way too long, then crumple up the paper and throw it away."
Juliette reached up and put a hand on her sister's shoulder.
"I know. Pitiful, isn't it?" Renata shook her head. "But I keep thinking she probably needs to hear something from us so she can have some closure. I just have no clue what to say to her."
"Oh, Rennie," Juliette murmured. "You're worried about Angela needing closure? Why is that your responsibility?"
"Because it's what I do, Juliette. I...I fix things. I clean up after everyone else. I straighten up the messes so we can all get on with living. Just like I did for you and Tootles today." Renata reached a hand back and scratched one of the dog's ears. "It's who I am."
Juliette let her sister's words course through the filter of her new awareness, and heard, for the first time, Renata's perspective on the way life had been for them all those years ago. She closed her eyes and saw her sister, sixteen years old, stepping up to bat when Juliette stayed in bed. She heard Renata's voice telling the others to brush their teeth, do their homework, put their dishes in the sink, listen to Granny G, when her own voice was silent, absent altogether. She remembered Renata's fingers sweeping her tangled hair away from her face, and kissing her on the forehead, as she whispered, "Goodnight, sweet Juliette." Just the way Maman used to do. The lump in her throat was making it hard to breathe.
"Is that how it was for you? Did you have to clean up after the mess Angela made? Did you feel like you had to fix everything so we could get on with life?"
Renata reached down and turned the key in the ignition. "I don't really know. I don't think I really felt much of anything. I just went into auto-pilot, and that's what came out of me." She checked for traffic and pulled away from the curb, heading back to Juliette's place. "I'm a fixer. I fix things. I organize things. I do."
"And what did I do?" Juliette asked, already knowing the answer. "I just disappeared. I shut down. I just stopped living for a while." She caught Renata's gaze in the rear view mirror. "But you. How did I not see what it was doing to you? You just stepped up and filled all of our empty shoes, didn't you?" She shook her head. "That was a lot of shoes for a teenage girl to fill, Rennie; not only Maman's and Papa's, but mine, too."
"Don't say that. I just covered for you while you took care of being at that trial for the rest of us. We couldn't go, remember? You had to carry that burden on your own. I might not have been old enough to sit in court with you, but I was old enough to know it was more than one of us should ever have to go through alone. I couldn't imagine sitting in the same room as that girl, but you did it day after day for us. Your whole life got rerouted; graduation, college plans, your future. Even your trip to Hawaii with Sharon. It wouldn't have been the same with just Granny G and Grandpa there. We needed to know that one of us was representing us. At least I did." Their eyes met in the mirror again. "Don't belittle that sacrifice, Juliette. I saw how it affected you." Renata sniffled, and a single tear made a track down the curve of her cheek. "Someone needed to be strong while you were being stronger. I was next in line." She paused before continuing, a little hesitantly. "I think I did okay, don't you?"
Juliette nodded, unable to speak as she dealt with this new version of things. How could she have been so self-centered?
"You were amazing, Renata. You still are. And I'm sorry it's taken me fifteen years to tell you that."
Renata parked the van, sat very still in the ensuing silence after the car was off, then turned a little in her seat. "Well, thank you, Juliette. It means a lot to hear that from you." It was as if a switch had been flipped and suddenly the familiar, abrasive Renata was back. "I just wish other people in my life would realize that too. I do have some personal worth, you know. I'm not just a label. I'm not just a soccer mom or a church lady or...or a bee with an itch." She wouldn't cuss even if someone paid her to.
"I know that." Juliette was taken aback by the shift in her sister's demeanor.
"You're the only one, then." And Renata climbed out of the car and closed the door, carefully, but firmly, as though closing the door on the conversation. Juliette had seen the look on her sister's face a thousand times before; they were done talking about this subject.
Renata excused herself to make a phone call. When she returned from Juliette's bedroom, there were traces of more tears in her eyes, but her face was closed, her mouth clamped in a look of determination that brooked no argument. It was a face that hurt Juliette's heart.
"I really should get going. Are you and Tootles going to be all right?"
"Of course we are. But are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Juliette." Her flippant tone said otherwise.
"Do you need help with anything? You put off getting your stuff done to come help me. Maybe I can return the favor."
"Don't be silly, Juliette. I only did it for Tootles." She ran a foot down the curve of the dog's back. "You don't tell me I'm too controlling, do you, Tootles?"
It was like a slap in the face. This was the Renata she was accustomed to, but after their conversation today, she'd hoped things might be a little different between them.
Renata scooped her purse off the counter and crossed the room to where Juliette still sat at the table. She reached down and gave her a quick, perfunctory hug. "Don't get up. I'll see myself out."
Juliette stood up and followed her sister out the front door anyway. "Ren?"
"Yes?" Renata paused on the sidewalk and turned around, an overly-bright smile on her face.
"Thank you. If Tootles could talk, I'm sure he'd tell you himself, but I want you to know how much we both appreciate you coming over and helping us out."
"Of course. I'm glad someone needed me today." Then she turned on her heels and practically jogged to her car. Juliette thought she saw her swipe at her eyes as she pulled away.
She wandered back inside, feeling low all over again, but this time for Renata, too.
In the kitchen, Juliette dropped down on the floor beside Tootles, who snuffled and sighed, and looked up at her with shining eyes.
"I'm tired of hurting, Tootles, and I'm tired of watching other people hurting, too." He turned his head and licked her knee with his long, pink tongue, as if to assure her that he was feeling much better, thanks to her. The scripture from Michelle drifted into her head.
Come to Me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.
"That's you and me, puppy. We're heavy laden, aren't we?" She was surprised at how nice it felt to have someone around to talk to. She sat back against the cabinets and closed her eyes, listening to the sounds Tootles made; his breathing, the periodic thumping of his tail against the floor. Who would have guessed that a humble little stray would come to mean so much to her so quickly?
Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart.
"Jesus?" Juliette opened one eye and looked down at the dog. "Are you Jesus?" Then she giggled and covered her face with her hands. "I think I might have just peered over the edge, there, Tootles!" She rubbed the dog's velvet ears again. "But maybe I'm not so far off. Maybe you're a gift from Him. Maybe you're here, not because you need me, but because I need you. Did you ever think about that?"
Tootles rolled onto his back so she could scratch his belly.
"Maybe you're my love gift from Jesus, Tootles. Is that what you are, puppy? Are you a love gift, funny dog?" She caught herself talking in a high, squeaky voice and rolled her eyes. "Oh, Tootles. You've turned me into an old maid!"
By the time the stars were out, Juliette and Tootles were soul mates. They'd read the Bible together, they'd had dinner together, they sat outside on the front stoop together watching the sunset while she told the dog all about Victor Jarrett's kiss. She even admitted she was hoping a certain cruiser might be making its rounds right about then, and she tried in vain to teach her furry friend to wave.
But no police car drove by that night. Or the next. Or the next. There was no phone call from a certain, gray-eyed officer, either. And as the days went by with no word, Juliette began to wonder if the kiss had been nothing more than her imagination after all.
