Five

––––––––

As it turned out, I enjoyed flying. Teri picked me up at the airport, and after helping me lug my bags to my room she went riding. I tossed the clothes from my suitcase into my laundry hamper, which was overflowing, and came downstairs to find Seth bounding in.

“So?” he asked, throwing his arms wide.

“I wish I could say you didn’t miss much, li’l bro.” I grinned at him. “But I can’t. It was freakin’ amazing.”

Seth threw a cushion at me before coming over and grabbing me in a vice-like hug. Then he pushed me onto the couch.

“Okay, let the torture begin. Tell me all about it.”

I tried to describe it, but despite telling him about the colors, the different faces and vibes, and the exciting things I’d done, I couldn’t quite capture the passion that had been ignited in me. I’d been to one place that was very different from home, and now I wanted to see the rest of them.

After talking so much I needed a drink. Seth trailed after me into the kitchen, but he very unusually opted to stay away from the fridge. Instead, he leaned against the counter and watched me chug chocolate milk.

“I had an interesting meeting while you were gone,” Seth said, too casually. His tone made my head swivel around. “I ran into Jan.”

My eyes went wide. “Really?”

Jan had been a friend of my mom’s, but we hadn’t seen her in years, not since the funeral. She and my mom hadn’t spent much time together after we’d moved here because Jan and Dec didn’t get along. Jan thought Dec was too controlling — and you had to admit she had a point — but I couldn’t recall what Dec had against her. Still, it was enough to know he disapproved.

“How is she?” I asked.

“She’s great. Doesn’t look a day over sixty.”

That startled a laugh out of me since Jan was probably about forty. “What did you guys talk about?”

He hesitated. “We talked about... our father.”

My arms fell to my sides; I barely managed to get the glass onto the counter without shattering it. I stared dumbly at Seth as he moved to stand before me, his arms half-extended as if to catch me.

“Does she know who he is?” I whispered. My heart was thrumming like a hummingbird’s wings.

Seth nodded slowly. “He was a young foreign guy who left the country after getting mom pregnant.” He was completely serious for once, his eyes somber blue pools.

My knees felt like water. I slid to the floor, the furrows of the wooden cupboard hard against my back. I curled into a ball and shivered as Seth settled next to me. He didn’t have to say anything. We were feeling the same thing.

I’d spent my whole life wondering about my father, dreaming about him, making up stories about him. When I was a kid I’d invented a million reasons why he couldn’t be with Seth and me. In one scenario he was a government operative and to acknowledge us would place us in grave danger, so — despite his great sadness — he sacrificed knowing us in order to keep us safe. In another, he was a prince being forced to marry someone else for political reasons, although he was madly in love with my mother. In all those scenes, though, our father desperately wished to be with us.

As I got older the stories matured, too. He was a drug addict who thought we’d be better off without him. A married man who placed his other family first. An unstable artist committed exclusively to his work. In those later imaginings our father didn’t care about us — after all, hadn’t he already proven that by his absence? And by extension, proven that he wasn’t a very good person.

The shadow of my father’s absence fell over my entire childhood. When I discovered I was good at math, I wondered if he was too. When Seth and I fell in love with horses my mother shook her head and said she didn’t know where we got it; we’d glanced at each other and thought the same thing — it must have come from our father. And these days I still wondered. Was I a bad seed, like my father? Was that why I was impetuous and thoughtless? He’d obviously acted irresponsibly toward my mom so maybe it ran in the family. Examining Seth was no help since it was clear the only thing he’d borrowed from our father was a Y chromosome.

Seth stirred first. “Can you call Horace’s lady?”

“Why?”

“She told me she was an immigration lawyer.”

When I didn’t say anything he looked at me like I was really slow. “They can find stuff out about people in other countries.”

I frowned. “Moo... I know we always wanted to know... but I’m not sure this is the best time to dredge this up.” I wanted the fuss over Jaden and me to clear somewhat before I created another one.

Seth’s hands clenched in his lap. “Haven’t we waited long enough? I want to know what he looks like. I want to know whether I’m gonna go bald, or if diabetes runs in the family.” His voice fell to a hoarse whisper. “And I want to know why he left mom.”

“Why we weren’t worth sticking around for, you mean.” Because we hadn’t been, obviously.

Just then Dec walked in. He gave us an odd look. “We have chairs, you know.”

I nodded and got to my feet. I wasn’t over my shock enough to be able to muster a smile, so I just looked at him nervously. He came over and gave me a brief but firm hug. He smelled like peppermint.

“It’s nice to have you back, kiddo. Did you have a good trip?”

I’d spoken to Seth several times while I was gone, but hadn’t talked to Dec at all. I began telling him about Florida, cautiously at first but then with genuine enthusiasm as he smiled and asked questions. He must have decided it wasn’t worth staying angry with me. When I was done talking, Dec informed me that Tom Morin was on medication and living with a faraway sister, so I was safe.

* * *

The next day I agreed to give Seth Olivia’s number. I still had some misgivings, but I tried to put the whole thing out of my head. There were too many immediate demands to be met for me to devote energy to an eighteen-year-old mystery.

January was cold, so riding was more of a chore than usual, but I had a lot of training time to make up. I hadn’t ridden at all in Florida, and it was the longest I’d gone without sitting on a horse since I was ten. I also had lessons to compensate for, so I spent much of my first week back shivering in the arena and wishing for hot chocolate.

I had just followed my advanced students into the welcome warmth of the barn one day when Alan, our stable hand, came into the aisle at the other end. He was leading Seth’s horse Winter very slowly, his face pulled down in concern. I watched only long enough to see Winter take one careful, mincing step, his head bobbing down sharply, before running over and stopping them.

“What happened?” I asked as I dropped into a crouch next to Winter’s foreleg. I ran my hands gently over his leg, starting above the knee and feeling my way down. The chestnut hairs were damp from the snow.

“I don’t know. He was fine when I turned him out an hour ago, but when I went out just now he was waiting by the gate, holding his leg up.”

Yikes. Not a good sign.

I had just determined that Winter’s fetlock was warm and swollen when Teri appeared next to me.

“Is he lame?” she asked, crouching next to me.

“Yes.” I stood up and patted Winter’s shoulder.

“I’ll get Seth,” she volunteered. She ran down the aisle.

“I have to go bring in the rest of the horses,” Alan said apologetically. He ran a hand over his close-cropped sandy hair. Alan had been working at Shady Lane for well over a decade, and although he wasn’t a horseman when he started, he had learned a lot over the years and he cared deeply for his charges. His worry for Winter was clear.

I nodded and took the lead rope from him. Winter immediately rested his face against me, and I was murmuring words of comfort into his soft ear when Seth dashed in, closely followed by Teri and Dec.

Seth flung his arms around his horse’s neck. “Is it bad?” he asked me. His voice was strained. Seth’s emotional reaction brought a flicker of disappointment to Dec’s face.

“It’s too soon to tell. He definitely hurt his fetlock, though.” I looked at Dec. “Should we call Gran?” Gran was an expert at diagnosing lameness, almost as good as the vet.

“Let me take a look,” Dec said calmly. He ran his hands down both of Winter’s forelegs, as I had, checking for heat, tenderness, and differences. When he squeezed Winter’s fetlock — harder than I had — Winter jerked his leg away sharply.

Seth patted him. “It’s okay, buddy.”

Dec straightened up. “It’s hard to say what he did, but run the cold hose over it and then poultice it for the night. Give him some Bute for the pain, and if it’s not a lot better by tomorrow we’ll call the vet.” He squeezed Seth’s shoulder. “Don’t worry. He might have just banged it while he was outside.”

Seth nodded, one arm still looped around Winter’s neck. Dec left, but Teri stayed and helped us to treat Winter. When we were done with his leg we put extra bedding in his stall to encourage him to lie down for the night.

“How is he?” Alan asked us on our way out.

“We don’t know yet. Can you cut his grain by half tonight?” I asked. We didn’t know how long Winter would be off work but too much grain, while he was on stall rest, would pose a danger.

“Thanks for helping, Ter,” Seth said as we emerged into the cold darkness of evening. When we got to her car he hugged her quickly.

“Some horses will do anything for a little attention,” she joked.

I stifled my grin at her conflicted expression, and Seth and I made our way to the house.

“What a day,” Seth groaned as we took off our boots and heavy winter coats. “First the car, now Winter.”

“Oh yeah, what did the garage say?” Our car had been making an abnormal noise for a while now.

He grimaced. “There’s a hole where the muffler’s coming loose, but they said there’s no warranty — it could’ve happened when we hit something on the road.”

“We don’t have the money to fix it again,” I said. We’d just gotten the muffler replaced the month before.

We trudged into the kitchen. I didn’t smell anything cooking, which wasn’t a good sign. We’d stayed in the barn later than usual because of Winter. I started rooting through the fridge for leftovers; I really didn’t have the energy to start making dinner from scratch.

“What happened with the car?” I heard Dec ask. I closed the fridge quickly and straightened up.

Seth looked everywhere but at Dec while he spoke. “It’s like I thought, there’s a broken joint between the muffler and pipe.”

I moved closer to Seth and gave him an encouraging nod when he caught my eye. We suspected Dec would be angry — he was always telling Seth to be more assertive and not let people push him around. Seth wasn’t the pushover Dec seemed to think he was, but he was a gentle soul and he didn’t like fighting with people if he could help it.

Seth took a deep breath. “They told me it’s not covered by the warranty.”

Dec looked at him closely. I was already opening my mouth to defend my brother when Dec spoke. “There’s no way they’re making you pay for that again. Get me the receipt and I’ll take care of it.”

My mouth snapped shut.

Seth looked up swiftly. “Really?”  Neither of us had any doubts; if Dec said he’d take care of it, it was as good as done. The garage would probably even be apologizing to us.

Dec smiled. “Sure. Now how about we order a pizza?”

Seth got to the phone in one leap, apparently reinvigorated by the thought of pizza. We ate in front of the TV, then headed upstairs for what I hoped would be a brief session of homework. We didn’t have all the same classes, but on nights like this when we were pressed for time, we sometimes cheated and helped each other. Which, roughly translated, meant I let Seth copy my work. I plopped myself onto Seth’s bed and pulled out my binder, scattering papers.

“What did you do to Dec while I was gone?” I asked.

Seth grinned at me. “I upgraded his software to include empathy. What do you think of it?”

I laughed and turned to my homework. “It’s freaking me out a bit, but I’m not going to complain.”

* * *

Driving to school was slow in winter, which meant long days for me as I caught up on riding. I wasn’t doing much with my horse Cal yet, but I rode Marty and Hades, clients’ horses, almost every day.

Hades was a bright bay problem child with three flashy white stockings, one sock, and a wide stripe on his face. When he had arrived in the fall one of the first things I’d done, after conferring with Gran, was change his diet. He’d been getting way too much grain, which not only presented a health risk but also contributed to his ‘hot’, uncontrollable behavior. We compensated with lots of hay, which made his stall a pain to clean because he was one of those messy horses who churned together shavings, poop, and feed so that almost the entire stall had to be emptied every day. Combine that with his unruliness when being taken outside and he quickly became Alan’s least favorite horse. All this made Dec resent Hades more than ever because Alan was our only hired help and keeping him happy was important to the smooth functioning of the barn. So I was growing increasingly worried that I hadn’t been able to break Hades’ habit of violently jerking his head down — and taking me with him.

One day I decided to try an elevator bit, which was meant to prevent a horse from leaning on the rider’s hands. I could see my breath when we walked into our unheated indoor arena, but a few boarders were also braving the cold. I used the mounting block in the corner since Hades was just over seventeen hands, which was big by any standard, and huge for me.

“Okay buddy, we won’t do much today,” I murmured to him, and saw his black-tipped brown ears flick back to listen. I walked on a loose rein, then picked up a light contact and asked him to trot. He jumped forward in his usual energetic style, but Stephanie and Gracie were in front of us, so I pulled slightly on the reins to slow him down. He jerked to a stop and flung his head up dramatically.

“You don’t have to overdo it,” I chided, loosening my hold and squeezing with my legs. He didn’t go forward, though. Instead, he started dancing sideways, flinging his head up repeatedly even though I was leaving the reins slack.

“Téa, use your stick!” I heard Dec yell from across the arena.

I shook my head. I wasn’t carrying a crop; Hades was such a fireball that I never carried one. Instead, I gave him a solid kick, followed by a smack with my palm. The last was for effect since I couldn’t hurt him, but he took it personally and reared up, falling half-sideways and half-backward into the wall. The crash reverberated through my head as I slid loosely to the ground. I was vaguely aware of Hades thundering around the ring, mingled with the sounds of startled riders and upset horses. I sat up to find Dec planted in front of me, protecting me from being trampled during the mayhem.

I staggered to my feet. “I’ll get him.”

He glared at me. “Don’t you dare move.”

Hades slowed to a trot and finally stopped. He gave me a triumphant look and snorted, and I couldn’t help grinning. His body was steaming and he was streaked with sweat, but he had made his point. No elevator bits for us. My smile faded fast, though, when Dec headed for him. Luckily Catherine, one of my advanced students, ran over and caught Hades before Dec did.

“Would you mind putting him away?” I heard Dec ask. Catherine often helped out in exchange for her lessons.

He came back and took me by the elbow. “Come on, you’re going to the hospital.”

“I don’t need to,” I protested.

“You hit the wall head first! And you went down like a limp noodle, Téa,” he said. His anger kept me from protesting further.

I was frustrated by the wait at the hospital, since I really didn’t need to be there, and hurried back to the waiting room after I’d seen the doctor.

“I’m fine,” I assured Dec.

He held out my helmet. “You see this? It’s cracked.”

“At least it wasn’t my show helmet.” Those cost hundreds of dollars to replace, whereas this was a cheaper schooling helmet.

“That’s not the point! I swear, Téa, if you make me walk into one more hospital, you’ll be sorry,” Dec growled.

Dec had hated hospitals ever since he’d watched my mom die in one, and my escapades had often forced him back. He wasn’t being reasonable, though — life as a rider almost guaranteed a few injuries, but I didn’t get the chance to point that out.

“And that’s not all. That horse has to go. He’s too dangerous, I’m not putting up with him in the barn anymore.”

I gasped. “That’s not fair! Accidents can-” I winced as he gripped my shoulders, his fingers tightening to the point of pain. He noticed and let go, and after a minute slid his arm around me instead. I felt another tightening, this one around my throat as I struggled not to cry.

“Sorry,” he said gruffly. “I didn’t realize... I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

I nodded and wondered how often that happened. How many times had he gotten angry and simply forgotten his own strength?

We didn’t talk on the drive home. I think neither of us wanted to argue in that small space, but once in the house, I turned to Dec.

“About Hades,” I began hesitantly.

“It’s not up for discussion, Téa.” He turned toward his office. It was a measure of my desperation that I followed him in there.

“You don’t understand, he’s so talented! He could take me right to-”

“I don’t care! You’re risking your life to train the beast, and I don’t trust those owners of his. Likely as not they’ll sell him out from under you as soon as they can make a big profit on him.” Dec’s face was reddening as he struggled not to yell.

“But-”

“Whatever is going on?” Gran demanded from the doorway. “I heard Téa took a nasty spill. Are you all right, dear?” She looked me over carefully.

“I’m fine,” I muttered, slumping onto the small couch. I could feel my muscles stiffening already; I was going to be sore tomorrow.

Dec rubbed the back of his neck. “Hades threw himself into a wall while she was mounted.”

“It was the new bit!” I insisted. “He’d never do that otherwise.” At least, he never had before.

“The elevator bit?” Gran asked in horror. She shook her head ruefully. “I’m terribly sorry.” She turned to Dec. “That was my idea. I thought if he couldn’t yank downward he’d be more manageable. Was that the disagreement?”

“I want that horse gone,” Dec said shortly.

“Well now, that doesn’t seem reasonable,” Gran said briskly. “They’re good clients, and he doesn’t pose much more of a risk than Schweppes did in the beginning. And look how well he turned out.”

Dec and I both gaped at Gran — him because he’d had no idea about Schweppes’ problems, and me because I’d had no idea that Gran knew. Dec’s eyes narrowed as they moved to me.

Gran acted first. “Now’s not the time for reprimands,” she told Dec. She peered at me in concern. “You should lie down, dear. You look a bit peaked.”

I had barely stretched out on the bed when Seth rushed in, his eyes dark with concern. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, it’s no biggie.” I sat up carefully.

Seth dropped down next to me, his expression easing as he looked me over.

“Well, it was about time you had your head examined, anyway,” he teased.

I gave him a sly smile. “Well, the joke’s on you. They said my problems are genetic.”

* * *

I woke up the next day feeling stiff but hopeful. Gran was my best possible ally in keeping Hades. Things hadn’t always been easy between us; Gran was of the generation that believed children should be seen and not heard, and Seth and I hadn’t been quiet children. When we were younger she’d had no qualms about reporting our misdeeds to Dec, which made us leery of her. But she was fair-minded, with a lively sense of humor, and we’d grown to love her.

She was bustling around the kitchen when I went down, so she must have spent the night. Her white hair was tied back rather than in its usual bun, falling down her still-strong back.

“Where is everyone?” I asked as I started making toast.

“Helping unload the feed delivery. How are you this morning?”

“Okay, just a bit stiff.” I examined her face. “Did you and Dec talk about Hades?”

She sighed. “He was too wound up last night to hear reason. I’m going to get some coffee and breakfast into him and then I shall try again. By the way, the hospital called, you left your health card yesterday. You’d best go pick it up straight away.”

I groaned. I had a busy day ahead, one that wouldn’t be made easier by the soreness from my fall. I didn’t really want to start it off with an hour of driving, but I slouched out the door.

I had almost reached our battered red Toyota when Seth showed up. “Where are you off to?”

When I explained, he climbed into the driver’s seat. “I’ll go with you. I want to avoid Dec and stop at the auto parts store, in that order.”

Uh-oh. “Dec’s still upset about yesterday, then?” I looked worriedly over at Seth’s profile as I got in the car.

He shrugged. “Who knows? But he’s in a mood, dude.”

I slumped against the seat, feeling suddenly very weary. I was tired from not sleeping well, but more than that, I was tired of the constant discord with Dec. Why couldn’t life just be easy for once?

By the time we got to the hospital I was in a veritable funk. Seth tried to draw me into conversation a few times but I resisted, preferring to sulk. We retrieved my health card and stepped into the elevator to leave, joining two women and a man who were already inside. Seth glanced around; I recognized the mischievous glint in his eye and gave my head a small warning shake. He ignored me.

“So,” he said seriously, looking at the elevator’s other occupants. “I suppose you’re all wondering why I gathered you here today.”

The three passengers sidled slightly away from us, shooting Seth little looks from the corners of their eyes. I could practically hear their thoughts: He looks normal enough. I tried to hold in my laughter but it snorted indelicately out through my nose; at that, I let go and it pealed forth into the small space. That didn’t make the other folks any less nervous and they squeezed more tightly into their corner, their expressions fixed straight ahead. The second the doors opened they dashed out, leaving Seth and me to stagger after them, laughing so hard we had to lean against each other for support.

“You’re such a spaz,” I giggled. I smacked him on the arm without any real conviction.

He gave me a goofy grin. “Yup... but you’re smiling.”

When we got home Gran was smiling too. “I spoke to your father and Hades may stay, for now. But you’d best get his behavior under control.”

I thanked her profusely before dashing out to the barn as fast as my stiff body would allow. I found Dec talking to the farrier, who was trimming Chocolate Chip’s feet.

I stuck my hands in my back pockets. “Thanks, Dec. For letting Hades stay.”

He nodded. “But if he throws you again, I’m getting on him.”

I gulped. I knew what that meant — whip marks on Hades’ body, which would almost certainly cause his owners to move him out. And with him would go my dreams of riding high-level jumpers, because Marty had reached the limit of his ability and Cal wouldn’t be ready for another four or five years. If ever.