Twelve

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The hot breath of summer was blowing past rapidly. I wasn’t as busy as some years since I was only showing one horse, and he wasn’t traveling much yet. I brought my students to local shows, taught lessons, rode, and savored every warm, grass-scented evening spent with Jaden.

One muggy August night Dec came into the kitchen, but he moved without his usual energy and immediately sank into a chair.

“What’s wrong?” I asked from the sink.

“Just a headache,” he said. He rubbed his temples.

“Again? You seem to be getting a lot of them lately. Maybe you should see a doctor.” I finished washing my cup and turned around.

“There’s no need for that. I’m just a little stressed, that’s all.”

A mixture of guilt and worry washed through me. Dec was stressed because of money, and I knew that was due to our upcoming university education.

“Okay,” I said reluctantly. “Goodnight.”

I went up to Seth’s room. The walls were the same light blue we’d painted them when we were twelve.

“Hey, try to convince Dec to see a doctor, will you? He won’t listen to me, but something’s wrong.”

Seth looked doubtful. “Dec’s tough as nails, Sis. And he looks fine to me.”

“Seth! We’ve already lost Mom. We have to take care of Dec while we can.”

“Right, because he’s obviously too helpless and weak to make his own decisions.” He laughed and dodged the swat I aimed at him. “Okay, okay, don’t hurt yourself. I’ll talk to him.”

But Dec wouldn’t be swayed by Seth either. I started watching him more carefully and noticed that he seemed more tired than usual. He stopped complaining of headaches but I suspected he just wasn’t telling us about them. About a week later I came downstairs at bedtime and found him cradling his head in his hands.

“Another headache?” I asked in concern.

He gave a tired nod. “Been staying up too late working, I think.”

I went and sat next to him. “Come on, Dec, it can’t hurt for you to get yourself checked at the doctor’s.”

He shook his head impatiently. “I don’t have time for that, Téa. I’d waste hours waiting at one of those places.” He gave me a small smile. “Don’t worry, kiddo, it’s nothing.” He patted my hand before heading for bed.

I did worry, though. My instincts were telling me something was off, so the next day I saddled Cal and rode to the polo fields. There were several doctors among the club’s members, and since it was Saturday some of them were bound to be playing. Cal rubbernecked annoyingly at all the strange sights and new horses, but I was on a mission and ignored his behavior. Jaden was away teaching a clinic that week so we were on our own.

I found Caley and enlisted her help.

“Isn’t Richard a doctor?” I asked as we headed to the field.

“Sort of — he’s a dentist,” she said. “Lucas is an MD, though.”

“Huh, I’m surprised I didn’t know that.” I’d known the tall, good-looking player for two seasons, but then, we mostly discussed polo. When I found Lucas he readily agreed to the favor I asked of him.

The next day Dec was leaning on the fence watching a lesson when Lucas pulled up in his Mercedes. He strolled over carrying an honest-to-goodness old-fashioned doctor’s bag. I grinned.

“Dec, do you remember Lucas?”

Dec nodded as they shook hands, then shot me a suspicious look.

“I know you don’t want to waste time sitting in a doctor’s office, so Lucas kindly agreed to do a quick check-up right here,” I said innocently.

Dec gave me a look that said ‘tell me you didn’t’, but he threw up his hands. “Oh, all right then.” He led Lucas to the house.

I turned to Seth, who was teaching in the ring, and gave him a thumbs-up.

Lucas came and found me in the barn before he left. “It’s a good thing you insisted on a check-up, Téa,” he said seriously. “Your dad’s blood pressure is dangerously high. He’s agreed to see his own doctor for treatment.”

I thanked him profusely and ran to the house. Dec was just coming out of the kitchen and I paused, uncertain.

He smiled at me. “You know, I think you’re a bit like your mother after all.”

“You’ll take care of it, won’t you?” I asked anxiously.

“I promise, honey.”

* * *

“Don’t worry about it, guys. My mom’s got high blood pressure too, and she was fine as soon as she got treatment,” Kabir reassured us that week.

Julia and Teri were also with us, cleaning tack and talking about our upcoming school year.

“It’s amazing that you got into CalTech, but it sucks that you’ll be so far, dude.” Seth grimaced. “And what’s your dad gonna do when you’re gone?”

Kabir was one of the few kids we knew who worked almost as much as we did. His dad owned the only general store in Julien, and Kabir helped out there most days. His mom was an accountant in the city so she was gone long hours. Kabir’s dad was nice; he gave us candy as though we were still ten years old and told a lot of bad jokes.

“I may not be smart, but I was smart enough to marry a smart girl!” he’d tell us, wagging his finger.

Kabir leaned his brawny frame against the wall and grinned.

“There’s a reason I only applied to colleges far away — it’s my one chance to live away from home. As a good Indian boy, my fate is sealed.” He sobered, plainly not ecstatic with his status. “I’m supposed to live at home with my parents until I find a nice Hindu girl to marry.”

“You don’t have to do it that way,” I suggested.

He shook his head. “You know my parents, Téa. They’re even trying to find a husband for you. It’s bad enough my sister’s such a rebel.”

“What’s wrong with Priya?” I demanded. I rather admired her, personally.

“She’s twenty-seven, a lawyer, and still has no intention whatsoever of getting married. She just wants to travel the world, which is fine as long as you’re not Indian.” Kabir laughed.

I made an impatient noise. “Kabir, you’re as Canadian as I am. And your parents have been here for thirty years.”

“I guess culture doesn’t change that fast, and families have cultures all their own.”

I reckoned that was true. My impetus for attending university was partly a desire to be a fitting match for Jaden, but I had to admit that our family’s values played a role. In our family, education was valued above individual ambition, and loyalty and duty above all else. Maybe that was part of the reason why Seth and I were so reluctant to tell Dec about the search for our biological father.

“Speaking of families, how’s the hunt going?” Teri asked.

“So far, it’s a big fat zero,” Seth said. It was just our friends in the tackroom, but he lowered his voice nonetheless. “We called another two men last week, and they weren’t him. Or at least they weren’t admitting to anything. And now the lawyer who’s been getting us the info is going on vacation for a month.”

“Why don’t you just search online?” Julia suggested.

“It’s a common name,” I explained. “It could take years to find him that way.”

I didn’t sleep well that night, troubled by dreams of chasing strangers who remained always just out of reach. I was cranky when I dragged myself into the kitchen the next morning.

“What’s wrong with you?” Seth asked.

“Nothing. What’s wrong with you?” I countered, witty as always.

He tried to glare at me, but we both burst out laughing. When we were kids we’d go on that way for hours, one inane comment after another causing us to literally roll on the floor.

Halfway through the morning, Seth waved me over to the main riding ring. He was standing inside with his horse Winter, who was watching him with a very confused look on his chestnut face.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Seth looked embarrassed. “Well, you taught Kermit those cool tricks last year... I thought maybe Winter would like to try something new.”

I felt my face light up. “Why didn’t you say so! Do you have the clicker?”

He handed it over, grinning sheepishly. “Yeah, but I don’t know how to use it.”

I grabbed it and bounced over to the smallest paddock, which was partly shielded by hedges so we’d have some privacy. “C’mon, this’ll be fun!”

It was fun. Winter and Seth had a great rapport, and although Seth and I worked together every day, it had been a long time since we’d collaborated on a project. Winter’s willing nature made him a joy to teach, and by the day’s end, he had not only grasped the idea of the clicker but even learned to bow.

“I’m gonna teach him to rear tomorrow,” Seth said excitedly as we went into the barn. Even Winter looked excited.

“You’re going to what?” Dec’s voice caught us up short.

Seth faltered. “I-I’m just teaching Winter some tricks, that’s all.”

“Why on earth would you teach a horse to rear? That’s not the kind of behavior you want to encourage,” Dec said.

“He’d only do it on command,” I said, glancing at Seth. The joy was gone, and I mentally kicked Dec for being such a wet blanket.

Dec looked at each of us. “If you have extra time on your hands you should be putting it to more productive use. Painting the jumps, for instance — they’re a disgrace.”

I nudged Seth as we went around the corner. “Tomorrow we’ll work away from the barn,” I murmured, and he half-smiled in response.

The next morning was a muffled, woolly sort of day, grey but warm, and we set out shortly after breakfast. Seth rode Winter bareback with a halter and lead rope, and I rode Cal. Winter’s chestnut coat was only a shade lighter than Cal’s, but the similarities ended there. Winter was as relaxed as Seth, but Cal still overreacted to everything so much that I couldn’t risk riding him in just a halter, although I’d done it with Blaze at that age.

Winter was of mixed breeding; he was what we’d commonly refer to as a ‘grade’ horse, and he was one of the loveliest examples I’d seen. He was a shade under sixteen hands and looked like a somewhat stocky Thoroughbred, although the smattering of small round white spots on his coat suggested a ‘color’ breed somewhere in his ancestry — maybe some Appaloosa or Paint.

We found a nice level field to practice clicker training in. Winter seemed to enjoy it as much as the day before, and even Cal watched with interest.

“How’s he doing?” Seth asked, seeing the look I was giving my horse.

I blew out a long breath. “Not great.” Seth was the only person I’d been honest with. “He’s learning, and I think he’s trying, but... he just doesn’t feel good, you know? We haven’t connected.” It wasn’t a good explanation, but it was the closest I could get.

Seth pursed his lips. “D’you want me to get on him?”

“Sure.” So far I was the only person who had ever ridden Cal, but it could be helpful to get another rider’s perspective.

I took Winter’s lead rope and handed over Cal’s reins. Seth patted Cal’s neck as he took them.

“Hey bud, Uncle Seth’s gonna hop on you for a minute, okay? Let’s see why your mom’s been giving you such a hard time.”

After Seth mounted, Cal’s head went up sharply and he stood stock still, all four legs rigid. Then, slowly, he twisted his head around to a comical degree and checked to make sure that it really was Seth up there.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Seth laughed.

After giving Cal a minute to get used to his weight, he asked him to move forward. They went around the perimeter of the field, changing direction a few times and trying all three gaits. Seth was a good rider, but the stress of competition didn’t agree with him. As I watched him with Cal, though, I thought again that he could have been a force to be reckoned with. And I started to appreciate Cal in a whole new way. It’s very different to watch a horse go than to ride one, and from my vantage point on the ground, Cal’s cat-like agility was even more apparent.

When he was done Seth hopped off and hugged Cal’s neck. As he handed the reins back he shrugged.

“I don’t know what you’re feeling, but to me, he feels awesome.”

* * *

That weekend we went to the last show of the summer. Our show season went on until the Royal in November, but the fall shows had a different, less relaxed feel than the summer ones.

I brought several students and school horses, and Julia brought Jasmine. Teri was riding a delicate, lovely Thoroughbred called Asia. She belonged to a boarder who had bought her off the racetrack two years before, but who was nervous about showing the mare herself.

With six horses to settle and lots of equipment to unpack we kept busy, and we were tired by dusk.

“We’d better get the tent set up,” Teri said, yawning.

“Don’t be silly,” Julia said, “come stay with me. The room’s paid for anyway, you might as well sleep in it.”

Teri and I exchanged a look and shrugged. In truth, I’d be happy to get a comfortable night’s sleep in a motel bed rather than have the hassle of blowing up my air mattress. When I didn’t have horse owners footing the bill I was in the same boat as Teri — we had to scrimp and save to afford horse shows. We often slept in a tent but we’d even slept in the car. We brought food from home and didn’t spend more than we had to, but Julia wanted to eat out for every meal and stay at nice places. A lot of the time she talked us into it. She was a generous person, and we knew she genuinely wanted to share, but it was sometimes less than comfortable for us because we couldn’t reciprocate.

The motel was practically next door, and I fell happily onto one of the beds while Teri headed for the shower.

“We can use the tent tomorrow when your parents come,” I said.

Julia waved her hand dismissively. “They’ll just get another room. They don’t mind.” She dug her cell phone out of her latest purse, this one a glossy pink.

“Hi sweetie,” she said a minute later. “Do you miss me yet?”

I supposed that was her way of making up. She and Seth had had a spat before we left because he couldn’t come to the show with her. It was ridiculous because Julia knew very well that he had to be at the barn if I wasn’t — she understood, in theory, that Seth and I could rarely be away at the same time. But that didn’t stop her from pouting about it all the same. She was used to being spoiled by her boyfriends, many of whom had been rich and willing to cater to her every whim.

Julia never seemed to go through the awkward phase that plagued the rest of us. Throughout our teens, she was clear-skinned, slim, and happy. We might have resented that if she wasn’t also such a good friend. Not always easy, but always good. Despite all her dates she never once blew us off, and she always made Teri and I feel like we were more important to her than any boy. She had fought with all her other boyfriends — she enjoyed a bit of drama — but I had thought Seth would be the exception because, well, he was Seth. He could get along with anyone. I imagined that Julia’s animation and Seth’s relaxed nature would balance each other out, but it seemed they weren’t any more immune to discord than the rest of us.

We spent four days at the show, and the first few days back were spent on catch-up work.

“Wanna come for a ride with me?” Seth asked one morning.

“Sure.” I rode Hades since he hadn’t come to the show and needed the exercise. We took the wide, tree-lined path that led off the back of the property, and I grinned down at Seth beside me. It was fun to be taller than him for once.

After half an hour of easy conversation, Seth said, “I want to show you something.”

He turned into the field where we had worked on clicker training with Winter. I watched him curiously. He was doing his best to hide an excited, impish smile, but there was really no point. He knew I could feel him anyway.

He took off Winter’s saddle, but when he started removing the bridle I interrupted.

“We’re in an open field,” I cautioned.

The smile escaped its tenuous restraints. “Just watch.”

I dismounted since Hades wasn’t being very patient about standing around, and observed from the ground.

Seth started off just walking in a circle, and Winter kept pace with him although there was nothing physically attaching the two. Nothing too unusual. But then Winter started doing an exaggerated march, lifting his forelegs high into the air.

“Wow,” I exclaimed.

They got to a huge fallen log and Winter promptly stood on it with his front hooves, before hopping over at a command from Seth. My surprise grew until I was leaning on Hades’ neck for support. Winter continued his display, which included rearing, bowing, and having Seth ride him bridle-less at a gallop.

Seth slid off Winter’s back and kissed his nose. Then he patted his horse’s neck and turned to me, smiling the most radiant smile I’d ever seen on a human being.

“Moo...” I stopped and cleared my throat. “That was amazing. I can’t believe you taught him all that so fast.”

He shrugged. “Well, Winter’s really smart.”

I shook my head. “Even if he is, you’ve got mad skills, little brother.”

We rode home at a walk, excitedly discussing Seth’s plans for training Winter. An hour ago I would have thought they were overly ambitious, but now I felt certain he could do it. Winter, for his part, wore an air of smug satisfaction.

Seth had gotten Winter right before I got Blaze, and while it might at first blush seem unfair that I got a gorgeous, pricey Dutch Warmblood and Seth got a grade horse, we each got the horse that suited us. While Winter fell into the category of ‘cute’ rather than ‘stunning’, when it came to temperament he was worth his weight in gold. He was kind, willing, and patient, all perfect attributes for a school horse, and we did use him in lessons sometimes. His show name was ‘Look Twice’ because if you didn’t, you might miss his true beauty — the beauty that shone from within his loving heart.

Underneath my happiness and my pride in Seth, I felt the stir of something darker. Resentment toward Dec burned my stomach and left a bitter taste at the back of my throat. Seth had done something outstanding, yet he could never share his accomplishment with Dec, never earn his praise for a job well done. Dec approved of my training of show horses because it made those horses more valuable. But there was no market for trick horses. I looked at Seth’s performance with Winter and I was entranced by their obvious bond — the love and trust they shared. Dec would watch it and see a waste of training time which could have been put to more lucrative use.

The worst part was that I couldn’t entirely blame him. I knew Dec worked constantly to put food on the table and pay bills. He didn’t indulge himself any more than he did us, but when I saw what my brother had done, it stung to know he would never gain approval from the one person he most desired it from.

After we got home and put our horses away we stepped outside to find Kyle standing by the paddock with a small girl. They were watching the newly-pregnant Gracie roll in the sand. Kyle was a close friend of Seth’s, and had been my first — and only — boyfriend before Jaden. I went over and hugged him.

“Hey,” I said.

“Hey, yourself.” The warmth of Kyle’s smile reached his mahogany eyes.

I looked down at the little girl. “And who’s this?”

“Are you kidding me? It’s Chloe, of course,” Seth said. He gave me a mocking look, as though I’d asked who Lady Gaga was.

Of course. I’d never met Kyle’s half-sister before; she lived with her mom and Kyle’s dad, while Kyle lived alone with his mother.

Chloe hid behind Kyle’s legs, her arms wrapped around one of them. Seth squatted down in front of them and waited for one china-blue eye to peek out.

“Did you know I can lift an elephant with one hand?” Seth asked her. He spoke with complete seriousness.

The little girl gave him a doubtful look from her hiding place.

Seth nodded. “It’s true. Show me an elephant with one hand, and I’ll lift it!”

She giggled. “You’re silly.”

He grinned. “Yup. D’you want to come see some ponies with me anyway?”

He held out his hand. She took it willingly and they headed for the barn, Chloe chattering brightly as they disappeared from view.

Kyle watched her go with a soft smile.

“So what’s new?” he asked after she was out of sight.

“Not much.” I knew that Seth kept him up to speed. I turned and leaned my back against the paddock fence to get the sun out my eyes. Kyle did the same.

“What’s new with you?” I went on.

He didn’t give a standard answer. That was one of the things I liked about Kyle; he was kind of a geek but in a good way.

“I’m thinking of moving in with my dad.”

I was surprised, knowing the good relationship he had with his mom. He and his dad weren’t nearly as close.

“How come?”

“I have a little sister now. I love my mom, but she doesn’t really need me around anymore. My sister does.”

I noticed he didn’t call her his half-sister, and I respected him a bit more for that.

“But I thought you and your dad didn’t get along that well.”

He shrugged. “I’m doing it for Chloe, but maybe it will give me a chance to get to know my dad better, too.”

When I didn’t say anything Kyle slid sideways and bumped me with his shoulder.

“She’s my only sibling, Téa. I figured you of all people would understand.”

Before we knew it summer was over. The week before classes started Seth and Kabir went shopping for a car; we’d need another since we were going to separate schools. One morning Dec walked a new student, a young girl, over to meet me by the main ring before disappearing into the barn.

The little girl watched Dec walk away, her mouth pursed into a pink bow. “Is that man your daddy?”

“He’s my stepfather.” Although people often referred to Dec as my dad, I never did.

“What’s that?”

“It means he married my mom when I was a kid.”

Her brows scrunched together in her effort to understand. “But... if he’s married to your mommy, he’s like your daddy, isn’t he?”

I sighed. Why was I resisting so hard? Why, when I tried to agree, did the words lodge like sticks in my throat?

“Yes,” I said, my voice scratchy. “He’s like my daddy.”

I brought the child to Catherine, who would teach her since Seth was out, and went to collect Hades. On the way I almost bumped my shoulder on the feedroom door and stopped, startled out of my thoughts. I grabbed the door handle and tried to close it, but it wouldn’t shut. Uh-oh. I took a step back and examined the door. I saw the trouble almost right away; the top hinge was coming off. The feedroom door was kept closed because if a horse got loose and went inside, he or she could get very sick from eating too much grain, and possibly even die. At night the feedroom door was secured with both a sliding bolt and one that went into the floor.

I found Dec. “The feedroom door won’t close,” I began.

He looked at his watch. “I can’t look at it right now, I’m late for a meeting. Get Seth to fix it when he gets back.”

Alan would have fixed the door but it was Saturday and he didn’t work on weekends. Which, come to think of it, made me wonder what kind of meeting Dec could have scheduled.

By the time I was done riding Hades, Seth was back. “We found you an awesome car, Sis,” he said enthusiastically.

I followed him outside to where Kabir stood next to a generic-looking grey Honda. It didn’t look awesome.

Seth laughed at the look on my face. “Trust me, this one’s in better shape than the one we have now, so you’d better take it.” That made sense since Seth was certainly better equipped to deal with breakdowns.

“By the way, the feedroom door won’t close,” I remembered. “The hinge is loose. Can you help me fix it?”

“Sure. But you’ve got to take this baby for a test drive first!” I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I got in and took the car for a spin, leaving Seth to watch the barn. I had to admit it handled pretty well.

When I got back Seth was riding Winter. “Don’t forget the door,” I called to him. He gave me a thumbs-up. Teri arrived and I hung out with her while she got Picasso ready to ride.

“Hey Ter,” Seth said, coming back in with Winter.

“Are we going to fix the door now?” I asked.

“I just have to drive Kabir home first,” he said, pulling Winter’s tack off at lightning speed.

Teri stayed for dinner since Dec was gone, and afterward, she watched TV with Seth and me. As she was getting up to leave I suddenly remembered the feedroom.

I turned to Seth “Shoot! Did you fix the door?”

“There’s something wrong with the door? You should have said something.”

I swatted him. “Be serious!”

“I think that’s a lost cause.” Teri chuckled.

Horses blinked sleepily at us when we turned on the barn lights, and a few nickered greetings, their noses pressed against the bars of their stalls. We didn’t take time to socialize but went straight to the feedroom.

“I see the problem,” Seth said right away. “The door won’t close because the hinge is loose.”

“Aargh!” My hands formed fists. I considered strangling him, but then I’d have to fix the door myself.

Seth sauntered off to get the toolbox, and I glared after him. Teri grinned at me.

“It’s kind of refreshing to see you guys mad at each other like normal siblings,” she said. “You were giving me a complex for fighting with my brother so much.”

I shrugged. “We fight sometimes. It’s just, after my mom died, he was the only piece of her I had left, you know? And we had to stick together to face Dec.”

* * *

The night before my first day of university I checked and re-checked my bag. I thought belatedly that I should have gotten a new backpack; I was sure my beat-up bag from high school wasn’t the kind of fashion statement I wanted to make. Although I hadn’t admitted it to anyone, I was nervous about my first day. Not only was I parting from all my friends, but I’d be separated from Seth for the first time in my life — my trip to Florida was the longest we’d ever been apart. When we were younger Seth and I had done things together out of necessity; our mother was a single parent so if one of us chose an activity, we both went. Now, I felt as though our lives were really diverging for the first time.

As I finished re-packing Seth came barging into my room.

“Thanks for knocking,” I said sarcastically.

He grinned at me. “You’re nervous too, huh?”

And I had to laugh, because he knew me so well.

The next day I paused on the wide stone steps leading up to the chemistry building, feeling slightly awed. The Guelph campus was over eight hundred acres and it was quite a long walk from my English class to Chemistry. I should have been hurrying, but as I examined the thick stone façade of the old building I was surprised by a feeling of accomplishment. Some part of me found itself proud to be here, and I went in smiling.

Jaden was starting his final year of law school, and although we talked and texted every day, we knew we wouldn’t be seeing much of each other. When he walked in the following weekend I flung myself at him.

“Hey,” he said, laughing. He hugged me close.

Even with my face against his shirt, I could feel his eyes scanning the room.

“He’s outside.” I sighed.

“Well then,” Jaden murmured. He put his hand under my chin and tipped my face up. His firm lips found mine, and I was soon breathing far too hard for the living room.

I wasn’t surprised when he pulled away — we rarely touched in the house — but I still pouted. He steered me over to the couch, grinning.

“I want to hear all about your first week.” He played with my fingers while I told him, smiling all the while. “A whole new world is opening up to you. Maybe now you’ll begin to realize what an amazing person you are.” He sounded almost wistful.

“The only amazing thing about me is that someone like you would choose me. And that will remain an enduring mystery to me.”

I had expected university to be a lot of work, but I found myself caught by surprise when it began immediately. I already had assignments to do, so I had little patience for Seth’s usual disorderliness when I tripped over his backpack in the living room the next day.

I marched into the kitchen. “Seth, I’m not your maid!” I exclaimed, tossing the schoolbag at him.

He caught it easily. “Who do you think does the cleaning when you’re at shows every weekend?” he asked mildly.

“That would be me, actually.” Dec grinned at Seth as he walked in.

“Well okay, maybe the picking up part — but you know I cook more than you!” Seth pointed at me. “And did you think clean clothes were just multiplying in your closet?”

“Okay, okay,” I conceded. I picked up the schoolbag. “Shall I place this in your sleeping quarters, Master Seth?” I inquired in an English accent. Probably a very bad one.

He made a grab for me but I ducked away quickly, then almost stumbled, startled by Dec’s thoughtful smile in my direction.

“We all appreciate your hard work, honey,” he said. “This place would fall apart without both of you.”

Dec sometimes acted as though paying us a compliment might cause our heads to swell alarmingly, to the point that we’d overbalance. In all likelihood, I was inordinately happy with his words of praise, but I bounded upstairs with renewed energy to start on my homework.