CHAPTER 7
MY FRENEMY PROBLEMS
CLAUDIA
Let me just say that Sophie Koh is my one and only best friend of all time.
And I totally have her back. For example, if Sophie had a twin brother who was running against her for class president, THERE’S NO WAY I’D EVER WRITE AN ARTICLE ABOUT IT FOR THE SCHOOL PAPER.
SOPHIE KOH
Okay, that is NOT fair. Because you KNOW being a writer is my dream job. And I’d been trying FOREVER to get Josh Koppelman—who’s the editor of the Culvert Chronicle, and is TOTALLY ageist, or gradeist, Ed. Note: not sure if these are real words or whatever you call people who discriminate against sixth graders—to publish one of my articles.
And this was the FIRST time he actually put one in the paper! So it was HUGE for me! It was my big break!
Plus, I thought the article made you look good.
CLAUDIA
Whatever, Sophie.
WEEKLY ROUNDUP
6th Grade Election Is Brother-vs.-Sister Battle
by Sophie Koh, Ed. Note: aka MY SUPPOSEDLY BEST FRIEND special correspondent
This month’s sixth grade presidential election will be a real civil war.
Political newcomer Reese Tapper just announced he will run against his sister, three-term president Claudia Tapper, for the top job.
Also running is James Mantolini, who claimed in last September’s election that many Culvert Prep teachers are secretly robots.
Mr. Tapper says he is running to overturn the recent ban on rooftop soccer games. “It’s so scroncking [sic] unfair!” he told a Chronicle correspondent. Ed. Note: not a real word (and spelled wrong)
When asked how she feels about her brother running against her, President Tapper said, “I think it’s fine. Everyone should have a voice in our democracy.”
But off the record, a source close to the president Ed. Note: (Parvati) called the Reese campaign “like, SUCH a total joke.”
CLAUDIA
But Sophie becoming a journalist was only my second-biggest frenemy problem. Ed. Note: Friend + Enemy = “Frenemy”
The biggest one was Kalisha. We’re lunch table buddies. And I’ve always known Kalisha is very, very smart.
But here’s what I did NOT know about Kalisha: she’s evil and she hates me.
KALISHA HENDRICKS, Frenemy
I don’t hate you! We’re lunch table buddies!
CLAUDIA
Then why’d you stab me in the back by becoming Reese’s campaign manager?!
KALISHA
Extra credit.
CLAUDIA
What?!
KALISHA
Remember that unit we did in social studies about elections? And Mr. McDonald was like, “I’ll give extra credit to anybody who does volunteer work on a political campaign”?
CLAUDIA
Yeah… But I thought Mr. McDonald meant a REAL campaign. Ed. Note: (i.e. one with adults)
KALISHA
So did Mr. McDonald. But I convinced him Reese’s campaign should count. Mostly because it seemed like Reese didn’t have a prayer. So it’d be pretty huge if I could turn it around for him.
CLAUDIA
I seriously can’t believe you betrayed me just for extra credit in social studies.
KALISHA
It was totally not personal! And I thought it’d be fun. I’ve been doing a TON of reading about politics lately. And it’s fascinating! Like, I used to think it was all about issues. Like taxes, or whatever.
But it’s really just a big game. You ever watch cable news? Their political shows are EXACTLY like pro wrestling. Only with old guys wearing suits. And instead of throwing chairs at each other, they yell.
Although sometimes they throw chairs, too. It depends on which channel you’re watching.
CLAUDIA
Wow, Kalisha. That is just totally cynical and wrong. I personally believe politics is NOT about throwing chairs at people. I think it’s about trying to make the world a better place.
KALISHA
I know! That’s why I thought Reese could beat you.
REESE
It was a total accident that Kalisha became my campaign manager. I didn’t even know campaigns HAD managers. But she sits behind me in math, and when she heard me and Xander talking about our armor giveaway on MetaWorld, she was like, “Why are you wasting time on outreach to your base?”
And I was like, “Whaaaa?”
KALISHA
So I explained to Reese that kids who play MetaWorld were going to vote for him no matter what. And so were kids he played soccer with.
And in politics, people who’ll vote for you no matter what are called your “base.”
But at most, Reese’s base was maybe 20 kids. And to win the election, he needed more like 49 votes.
So his whole focus should’ve been kids who DON’T play MetaWorld or soccer.
REESE
I was like, “That is SO smart! So what should I do?”
KALISHA
I said, “Surrender. Because you’re totally clueless, and your sister’s going to gut you like a fish.”
XANDER
I was all, “Yo, don’t be talkin’ dat smack wit us, K-Town!” Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for Kalisha (I think)
KALISHA
And I said, “Xander, I think the way you talk is offensive, and if you don’t stop doing it around me, I will hurt you. Badly.”
XANDER
And I was all, “I am very sorry if I offended you, and it will not happen again, Kalisha.” Ed. Note: Kalisha is 3 inches taller than Xander (so can def kick his butt)
REESE
I was like, “I can’t surrender! I don’t even know what that word means!” Ed. Note: (50% chance Reese literally DOES NOT KNOW what “surrender” means)
KALISHA
So I said, “Then your only hope is to make me your campaign manager. And do EVERYTHING I tell you to do… EXACTLY how I tell you to do it.”
REESE
And I was like, “Deal.”
CLAUDIA
Reese, you realize Kalisha didn’t care AT ALL about you, or your campaign, or soccer on the roof, right? She was just using you to get extra credit in social studies!
REESE
Yeah, I was totally fine with that.