CHAPTER 8

THE SECRET PLOT TO DESTROY ME

CLAUDIA

At first, I had no clue Kalisha was taking over Reese’s campaign. All I knew was that his posters suddenly got MUCH more professional-looking.

But I just figured Wyatt’s mom was helping them. I had no idea that behind the scenes, Kalisha and Reese were plotting to destroy me.

Most of the plotting happened at a secret meeting after school at the Shake Shack on 86th Street.

KALISHA

That first meeting was a little annoying. Because I’d agreed to manage the “Reese for President” campaign. Not the “Reese and Xander and Wyatt” campaign.

REESE

The idea was that me and Xander and Wyatt were a team.

KALISHA

I know. But that was a terrible idea. Because your biggest weakness—and as your campaign manager, it was important for me to be brutally honest with you, even if it sounded super-mean—was that people thought of you as a dumb sporto. And running on a slate with two other dumb sportos was NOT helping you. ^{Ed. Note: I prefer the term “soccer idiot” (but same thing)}

Also, Xander has no idea how to behave in a restaurant.

XANDER

K-Town was SO uptight, yo! Alls I did was creep two fries up my nose.

KALISHA

They weren’t just fries. They were cheese fries.

And there was ketchup on them.

And he put them IN HIS NOSE.

WYATT

I guess if you think about it, that’s pretty gross. But Xander does it every time we go to Shake Shack. So I was kinda used to it. And when Kalisha said she was going to quit the whole campaign if he didn’t leave, I was like, “What’s the big deal?”

I still think it’s uncool she made me leave, too. I hadn’t stuck ANYTHING up my nose. So I was like, “Reese! Tell her I have to stay!”

REESE

So I had to be all, “Dudes, sorry. Kalisha’s my coach—”

KALISHA

Manager. There’s no coach in politics.

REESE

Right. Manager.

So I was like, “Dudes, sorry. Kalisha’s the manager of my team.”

KALISHA

Ticket.

REESE

Huh?

KALISHA

It’s not a team. It’s a ticket. Or a slate. Or a party. But not a team. There’s no team in politics.

REESE

Right. Okay. Sorry… Where were we?

KALISHA

I kicked out Xander and Wyatt. Then I showed you the polling data.

REESE

Oh, yeah! This part is CRAAAAY.

Kalisha had asked everybody in our grade a gazillion questions. And then she, like, split everybody all up into these tiny little groups.

KALISHA

I used the polling data to split the class into subgroups based on their voting habits. But when I tried to explain it to Reese, he just got confused.

REESE

I seriously did NOT get what she was talking about. I felt like my brain was splooshing out of my ears.

KALISHA

Eventually, I had to draw him a picture.

The bottom line was that Claudia had a solid lead. If Reese was going to win, he needed most of the Undecided voters, some Claudia voters, or a little of both.

So we had to come up with a VERY good reason for people to vote for him.

REESE

Kalisha was like, “Tell me your vision for the sixth grade.”

And I was like, “Huh?”

And she was like, “What’s the story we’re going to tell about WHY you should be president?”

And I was like, “So we can play soccer on the roof!”

And she was like, “We already HAVE the soccer voters! It’s not enough! Why else?”

And I was like, “To pwn my sister.”

And she was like, “That’s not helpful. WHY ELSE should you be president?”

And I was like, “THAT’S IT.”

KALISHA

I said, “Dig deep. Outside of soccer on the roof and pwning your sister, is there ANY REASON for ANYBODY to EVER vote for you?”

REESE

And I was like, “No.”

KALISHA

So we didn’t have a choice. Without any kind of positive message, the only way Reese could win was by going negative. ^{Ed. Note: “going negative” = DESTROYING YOUR OPPONENT (me) with vicious attacks that are NOT EVEN TRUE}