CHAPTER 13
SOPHIE STEPS ON MY FACE
CLAUDIA
I was on my way home from meeting Akash when Sophie texted me.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
Had to turn in article w/no quote from you 
That’s ok. Sorry I got mad at u!
CLAUDIA
I wasn’t really sorry. But I wanted to smooth things over, because Sophie was still my best friend. And I knew she was going to be bummed when Akash got her article killed.
Except he didn’t. Five minutes later, I got a text from Parvati.
PARVATI (Text message copied from Claudia’s phone)
OMG DID U SEE THE ARTICLE???
CLAUDIA
I checked the school paper’s website on my phone. And when I saw the article, my head pretty much exploded all over the back of the M79 bus.
BREAKING NEWS: SIXTH GRADERS GONE WILD! Ed. Note: RIDICULOUS HEADLINE (Sophie claims Josh K. wrote it)
Presidential Candidates Vow to Destroy Soccer, Swing From Ceilings If Elected
by Sophie Koh, special correspondent
The campaign for sixth grade class president just got real.
In a Friday Assembly speech that stunned his class, presidential candidate Reese Tapper played an audio recording in which an unidentified girl, believed to be current president Claudia Tapper, calls kids who play soccer “drooling idiots” and vows to “wipe soccer off the map,” make playing the sport “illegal,” and ban soccer jerseys from Culvert Prep.
At press time, analysts had not yet verified the voice on the recording as President Tapper’s. Ed. Note: pretty sure “analyst” was Sophie But many sixth graders were shocked.
“I can’t believe Claudia said that,” Hunter Arnold told a reporter. Ed. Note: no alt. points of view = BAD JOURNALISM
“I don’t even play soccer,” said classmate Caroline O’Leary. “But that is NOT cool.” Ed. Note: no alt. points of view = BAD JOURNALISM
President Tapper could not be reached for comment. Ed. Note: AKASH’S FAULT
However, when asked by a reporter if he believes his sister has the authority to ban soccer if she’s re-elected, Mr. Tapper answered, “Umm… I guess not.”
Mr. Tapper’s campaign manager, Kalisha Hendricks, then broke up the interview and ordered him to leave the room. Ed. Note: this is how I found out who R’s evil genius was
Earlier in the assembly, three-time candidate James Mantolini announced a plan to “put an end to classroom furniture,” replacing desks and chairs with “climbing walls and monkey bars on the ceiling.” However, experts do not believe Mr. Mantolini’s plan is realistic. Ed. Note: “expert” prob also Sophie (or Mrs. Bevan)
CLAUDIA
After I picked up the pieces of my brain from the back of the bus, the first thing I did was call Akash to find out why he hadn’t gotten the article killed.
The conversation did NOT go well.
JOSH KOPPELMAN, Culvert Chronicle editor
There’s NO WAY I was going to kill that piece! It was the first interesting thing that had happened at school in months! And it was RACKING up the page views.
AKASH
Josh was totally uncool about the whole situation.
CLAUDIA
I thought you said you knew where he buried some bodies!
AKASH
I did! They just weren’t actually bodies. And it turned out he didn’t care about them.
CLAUDIA
The second thing I did was call Sophie. And I very calmly asked her to explain why my ABSOLUTELY BEST FRIEND WAS TRYING TO DESTROY ME.
This conversation went even worse than the one with Akash.
SOPHIE
You were NOT being fair to me! I BEGGED you to tell your side of the story! And you wouldn’t give me ANYTHING!
And then I STILL tried to help you—like by saying the voice on the tape might not be yours, and getting Reese to admit you couldn’t ban soccer, and talking about how Kalisha dragged him out of the room like a boss.
I was, like, bending over backwards for you. And you didn’t even appreciate it!
CLAUDIA
It took a lot of time—and almost all my cell phone minutes for the month—but eventually, Sophie and I talked it out.
I agreed to be more available for interviews and stuff. And Sophie agreed to quit stepping on my face.
At least, I THOUGHT that was our agreement. Unfortunately, it did not work out that way.