CHAPTER 16
THE SECRET REESE-NERD ALLIANCE
CLAUDIA
After Akash told me the polling numbers, I felt very good about my chances.
This is because I had no idea Kalisha was hatching a secret plan to steal all the Nerdy Boy voters from me.
There are about ten of them in the sixth grade. I’m personally a little uncomfortable with calling them “nerdy,” but they seem fine with it. Ed. Note: Nerdy Boys = -smart
Ed. Note: -read a lot
Ed. Note: -know stuff
Ed. Note: about computers
Ed. Note: -don’t play sports
TOBY, Nerdy Boy/undecided voter
Are you kidding? Every 25-year-old billionaire on earth is a big honking nerd. That’s why they’re billionaires!
So it’s pretty much the coolest thing you can be.
CLAUDIA
The Nerdy Boys don’t really have a leader. But if they did, it’d be Max Esper.
MAX
I don’t want to brag or anything. But I’ve been coding since I was eight. So, yeah. I’m pretty much the alpha nerd.
AKASH
Oh, please, Max! Call me when you learn how to run Linux. Ed. Note: no idea what this means, but Akash begged me to put it in book (Akash = v. competitive about computer skills)
CLAUDIA
So Max is VERY influential with the Nerdy Boys. And if he got behind Reese’s candidacy, it could swing a lot of Nerdy Boy votes Reese’s way.
But Max and my brother are about as different as two 12-year-old boys can be. So the one thing I ABSOLUTELY NEVER EXPECTED IN A MILLION YEARS was for Max to become Reese’s running mate.
That’s why the text I got from Sophie on Sunday afternoon was such a shock.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
U around? Need quote for new article
About what?
Yr reaction to news that Max is Reese’s new running mate
CLAUDIA
I was eating a bagel at the Zabar’s lunch counter when I read that. And I was so shocked, I yelped.
And the yelp was so loud that it made the guy sitting next to me spill his soup.
I apologized to the guy. Then I ran outside to call Sophie. But we’d barely started talking when my phone ran out of minutes for the month.
Fortunately, I have unlimited texting.
SOPHIE AND CLAUDIA (text messages)
Why did u hang up?
Ran out of minutes
Please please please don’t write this article
I HAVE to it’s huge news!
Will use ANY quote u give me. Think of a good one!
No comment
AGAIN? SRSLY?
CLAUDIA
This time, I wasn’t saying “no comment” because Akash told me not to talk to the media. I was saying it because the only comment I could think of was, “THIS IS A MAJOR DISASTER AND MY HEAD JUST EXPLODED.”
And when you’re running for president, it’s very important to act like you’re confident and in charge. Even when your head is exploding.
Five minutes later, Sophie posted her article.
SIXTH GRADE ELECTION SHOCKER! Longtime Treasurer Max Esper Joins Reese Tapper Ticket
by Sophie Koh, special correspondent
In a major development guaranteed to rock the sixth grade political world, two-term treasurer Max Esper will stand for re-election as the running mate of presidential candidate Reese Tapper.
Mr. Esper is a longtime political insider who has held the treasurer’s job since losing his first presidential campaign to Claudia Tapper in early fifth grade.
A political newcomer, Mr. Tapper’s presidential bid was considered a long shot until his opening campaign speech, when he played a recording of current president Claudia Tapper insulting soccer players and vowing to ban the sport if she is re-elected.
Despite several requests for an interview, President Tapper has not commented publicly on the recording. Ed. Note: CHEAP SHOT
The new Tapper-Esper alliance appeared to come as a surprise to Xander Billington, a soccer player who had previously been Mr. Tapper’s running mate.
“Awwwww **** no!” Mr. Billington told a reporter, using a word that is not printable in a school newspaper.
CLAUDIA
The thing I REALLY didn’t understand was why Max had agreed to be Reese’s running mate.
MAX
It was all part of my plan.
CLAUDIA
What plan?
MAX
My plan to become president.
CLAUDIA
Max, that makes no sense at all! You were running for TREASURER.
MAX
Sure, in THIS election. But I was playing a long game.
I’ve ALWAYS wanted to be president. But after I ran against you in fifth grade and lost, I figured I could never beat you head-to-head. UNLESS you suffered some humongous defeat that killed your whole career.
And I figured Reese could make that happen. If he beat you, it’d be devastating! You’d be so humiliated, you’d quit SG and, like, join the math club or something. And even if you DID run again, nobody’d take you seriously.
Plus, I figured Reese would be a total disaster as president. So if he ran for re-election, I’d crush him.
Which meant that by running with Reese in SIXTH grade, what I was really doing was setting myself up to be president in SEVENTH grade.
CLAUDIA
So you were willing to elect someone who’d be a complete disaster—just to help your own career?
MAX
Exactly.
CLAUDIA
Wow, Max. That is just really, really cynical and wrong.
MAX
Oh, get over yourself, Claudia. Sometimes politics isn’t pretty.
CLAUDIA
The only person who was more shocked than me when he heard the Max news… was Reese. Because it turned out Kalisha hadn’t even told him it was happening.
REESE
She sort of did. After Mom made her take down the “Reese for President” page, I called Kalisha and was like, “I’m SO SORRY I messed up again! What can I do to fix it? Do you want another guiltshake?”
KALISHA
I said, “There’s this one thing I need you to do.… But if I tell you what it is, you might mess it up. So just tell me it’s okay for me to do it myself. And after it’s over, I’ll tell you what it was.”
REESE
I was like, “Deal.” Because Kalisha’s super-smart. So I trusted her.
But when she called on Sunday afternoon and was like, “Great news! We dumped Xander for Max!” I was SERIOUSLY spun out.
Xander’s my bud! We’ve been friends since pre-K! So I told Kalisha there was no way I could do it.
KALISHA
I said, “It’s too late. You already did it. The article’s coming out in five minutes.”
REESE
I was like, “Oh, this is skronking BAAAAD. How am I going to tell Xander?”
KALISHA
I said, “Don’t worry. Sophie was about to call him for a comment. So I think he already knows.”
REESE
Then I looked back at the computer screen, and Xander was chopping me into little pieces on MetaWorld.
Which was NOT cool. Because it was a team deathmatch—and we were on the same team! But I guess if I was Xander, I would’ve been pretty mad, too.
METAWORLD CHAT LOG
JAMES
It actually worked out very well for me. I’d been looking for a running mate who was desperate and ruthless. So Xander was a very good fit.
XANDER
J-Mo Ed. Note: Xander’s nickname for James Mantolini was all, “My campaign’s about Free Range Education. You down with that?”
And I was all, “Yo, MY campaign’s about REVENGE! You down with THAT?”
And J-Mo was like, “Yeah, that works, too.”
REESE
I was SO spun out! Xander totally stopped talking to me. He wouldn’t even play on my team in deathmatches anymore!
And Kalisha was like, “Hey—politics ain’t beanbag.”
I still don’t know what she meant by that. But whatever.