CHAPTER 21
DEBATE PREP: MY ONLY HOPE
REESE
I just want to say, even though it was TOTALLY UNFAIR that Mom and Dad made me agree to the debate? There was NEVER any chance I wasn’t going to show up. Because I gave my word. And word is bond. Ed. Note: pretty sure Reese stole that phrase from Xander
CLAUDIA
Oh, really? So when you faked a cough at breakfast that morning, it was a total coincidence?
REESE
It wasn’t fake! I really DID have something weird in my throat that made me think I wouldn’t be able to talk for a couple of days.
CLAUDIA
And that text from Dad had nothing to do with the weird thing in your throat suddenly disappearing?
REESE
No! I saw that text and was like, “I have NO CLUE what Dad’s talking about.”
DAD AND REESE (Text messages copied from Dad’s phone)
Hey, buddy—just a reminder that if you don’t debate your sister like you promised, you will lose phone for a month
What if Im sick
Then Ashley will take you to Dr. Rosenfeld. And if you’re not really sick, you will lose phone for TWO months
Its ok feeling better now
CLAUDIA
My biggest pre-debate challenge—aside from making sure Reese actually showed up—was making sure an audience would show up, too.
And Kalisha did not exactly make this easy.
KALISHA
Reese was ahead in the polls. So there was no upside to having a debate. All it could do was hurt us.
But if he absolutely HAD to show up, the fewer people that saw it, the better.
CLAUDIA
I get that, Kalisha. I do. But I personally do NOT think it was ethical for you to change all my signs.
KALISHA
You can’t prove that was me.
CLAUDIA
And spreading those rumors on ClickChat was a TOTAL cheap shot.
CLICKCHAT POSTS ON “CLAUDAROO” (AKA CLAUDIA TAPPER) WALL
claudaroo
claudaroo HEY, EVERYBODY—COME TO THE BIG DEBATE TODAY AFTER SCHOOL IN MR. MCDONALD’S CLASSROOM! It’ll be fun!
KaliHendo If you go, wear a head scarf. Lice problem still very serious in Mr. McDonald’s room
claudaroo There’s no lice problem in Mr. McDonald’s room!
KaliHendo Trying to keep it quiet so kids don’t panic? Gotcha. NO LICE PROBLEM IN MR. MCDONALD’S ROOM, PEOPLE
claudaroo THERE IS NO LICE PROBLEM, KALISHA!!!
KaliHendo #LiceProblem
KALISHA
I’m not saying I’m proud of it. But if you were me, and you’d seen the debate prep we tried to do with Reese at lunch that day? You would’ve been desperate, too.
REESE
Kalisha and Max were like, “What’s your position on cyberbullying?” And I was like, “What’s that mean?”
And they were like, “You don’t know what cyberbullying is?”
And I was like, “No… I don’t know what a position is.”
KALISHA
It was scary. Lunch is only half an hour long. So it would have taken a MONTH of lunches to make Reese non-clueless.
REESE
Kalisha told me since I didn’t know anything about the issues, no matter what the question was, I should just say, “Freedom.”
KALISHA
It made sense. If it was a question about soccer on the roof, he’d say, “Kids should have the freedom to do that.”
If it was cyberbullying, “Kids should have the freedom to write what they want online.”
If it was about Spirit Week, “Kids should have the freedom to wear boxer shorts on Pajama Day.”
MAX
Then I pointed out that Reese had two minutes for each question. And he couldn’t fill two whole minutes just saying “freedom.”
REESE
So Kalisha told me to start every answer by saying what a great question it was, and how important it was for the future of Culvert Prep. And THEN I should say “freedom.”
I was like, “I don’t think this is going to go so good.”
And Kalisha was like, “Don’t worry. If it looks bad, I’ll pull the fire alarm.”
CLAUDIA
While Kalisha was trying to make my brother non-clueless, I was on the other side of the cafeteria, having a very important conversation with Sophie.
Because Mr. McDonald had decided that as the sixth grade’s only member of the media, Sophie should be the debate moderator. Ed. Note: moderator = person who asks all the questions
SOPHIE
You showed me Akash’s polling numbers. Which were kind of shocking—like, up until then, I didn’t actually think there was any chance Reese could beat you. So finding out you were losing was a real “OMG” moment.
But as a journalist—AND a debate moderator—I had to be fair and impartial to all the candidates.
So when you started telling me what questions to ask, it was offensive.
CLAUDIA
I didn’t do that! All I did was point out all the things—like Spirit Week, the bake sale, the food drive—that you have to deal with when you’re president. And that my brother was totally clueless about.
Which I thought was important for voters to know.
I was also pointing out that this was MY LAST CHANCE. If the debate didn’t change anybody’s vote, I was going to lose to my brother… who barely knows what a bake sale IS, much less how to run one.
SOPHIE
And all I could say was, “I will ask questions that a good candidate can totally crush. So there’s nothing for you to worry about.” Ed. Note: actually LOTS OF THINGS for me to worry about