CHAPTER 22
SHOWDOWN IN ROOM 432
CLAUDIA
Just looking at the audience that showed up for the debate made me realize Sophie’s media coverage was going to be VERY important.
Because pretty much nobody was there.
There were a total of fourteen people in the room, which sounds like a lot. But it wasn’t. Because three of us were IN the debate (me, Reese, and James), four were my supporters (Akash, Parvati, Carmen, and Jens), three were Reese’s supporters (Kalisha, Max, and Wyatt), one was James’s supporter (Xander), one was the moderator (Sophie), and one was Mr. McDonald.
So technically, the only audience member was Bryce Thompson.
And Bryce was only there because he had detention. Ed. Note: Bryce is a soccer idiot (so was def. voting for Reese)
BRYCE THOMPSON, member of debate audience
Mr. McDonald made me stay after school for playing Exploding Cows on my phone during class. So it’s not like I meant to watch the debate. I was just sitting there.
It turned out to be pretty hilarious, though.
CLAUDIA
I personally did NOT find the debate hilarious. In fact, I thought it was a very sad day for democracy.
Sophie recorded the whole thing on her iPod, and here is the transcript of it:
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
MR. MCDONALD: Okay! Thanks for coming, everybody. The format is as follows: the moderator asks a question, then each candidate has up to two minutes to answer. I’ll keep time. And please don’t interrupt each other. Okay? Great. Take it away, Sophie.
SOPHIE KOH: Welcome, candidates, and thank you, Mr. McDonald, for hosting this debate. I’m here on behalf of the Culvert Chronicle as its sixth grade correspondent. And I just want to say these questions were prepared by me alone, with help from concerned voters, and were NOT shared with any candidates beforehand. I am being completely fair and impartial.
XANDER BILLINGTON: (unintelligible) Ed. Note: weird cough that sounded like “KHA-BOGUS!”
MR. MCDONALD: Cut it out, Xander.
SOPHIE KOH: The order of responses was chosen randomly. For the first question, it’ll be Reese, then James, then Claudia. After that, we’ll rotate. Okay? So. Question Number One: what do you think is the biggest problem facing the sixth grade, and as president, what would you do about it? Reese Tapper.
REESE TAPPER: What?
SOPHIE KOH: You’re first.
REESE TAPPER: Oh. Okay. Uhhh… What’s the question again?
SOPHIE KOH: “What do you think is the biggest problem facing the sixth grade, and as president, what would you do about it?”
REESE TAPPER: Yeah. Okay. So. Like…
[LONG SILENCE]
KALISHA HENDRICKS: (unintelligible)
MR. MCDONALD: No coaching, Kalisha.
KALISHA HENDRICKS: I wasn’t coaching him! I was just saying it’s a VERY… GOOD… QUESTION.
REESE TAPPER: Totally! Super-good question. Really good. Like… yeah. Problems are huge. And really important. Super-important. In the future. Culvert Prep’s the future! For futuring. It’s really… there’s, like, future problems. So…
KALISHA HENDRICKS: (unintelligible) Ed. Note: weird cough that sounded like “KHA-FREEDOM”
REESE TAPPER: Freedom! THAT’S the big problem. The WHOLE PROBLEM is freedom—
KALISHA HENDRICKS: NOT the problem!
MR. MCDONALD: Kalisha—
REESE TAPPER: I mean, not the problem—freedom’s good. Super-good! And we have to, like… it’s important to be free. We should have freedom. To, like, play soccer on the roof. And other stuff. Because freedom. Totally. Can I be done now?
KALISHA HENDRICKS: YES!
MR. MCDONALD: That’s fine, Reese.
AKASH
I have to say, your brother really exceeded expectations. I mean, I would’ve been happy with just normal amounts of stupid. But he took it to a WHOLE other level. By the time he sat down, I was thinking, “Ten more minutes of this, and the election’s over.”
CLAUDIA
I agree. Especially because I could have CRUSHED that question. I had a great answer ready. It was all about my “Big Siblings” proposal. And if I’d been able to give it, it would’ve been TOTALLY OBVIOUS I was the only good choice for president.
But James went next. And he took the whole debate on an express train to Crazy Town:
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
SOPHIE KOH: Okay… Next is James Mantolini.
XANDER BILLINGTON: WHOOO! YOU DA MAN, J-MO!
JAMES MANTOLINI: Thank you!
XANDER BILLINGTON: WHOOOOOOO! TESTIFY!
MR. MCDONALD: Xander, please.
JAMES MANTOLINI: Thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, members of the media, my esteemed opponents… I submit to you that the biggest problem we face today is SO HUGE we can’t even see it. We are surrounded by an evil SO COMPLETE we don’t even know it’s there!
XANDER: PREACH IT, J-MO!
JAMES MANTOLINI: I’m talking about furniture. Our teachers will tell you they’re just harmless “desks” and “chairs.” But let’s call them what they are: CAGES! Little wooden prisons designed to drain the life force from our animal natures! And we’ve been trapped inside them so long, we don’t even know who we are anymore! But today, I’ve brought along a little friend who I think can help us see the light.
CLAUDIA
At this point, James bent over, unzipped a duffel bag that was on the floor next to him, and pulled out a metal cage.
With a squirrel in it.
I have no idea how James managed to catch the squirrel. Or keep it quiet while it was in the duffel bag. But as soon as he picked up the cage and put it on the desk, the squirrel started going nuts.
So did Mr. McDonald.
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
JAMES: Say hello to Nutty—
[METAL RATTLING NOISES]
UNIDENTIFIED GIRL: Ed. Note: probably Parvati EEEEEEEEEEEK!
UNIDENTIFIED BOY: Ed. Note: Wyatt? Bryce? (not sure which) WHOA!
MR. MCDONALD: JAMES, WHAT ON EARTH—
JAMES: Nutty was born free! To scamper about—
MR. MCDONALD: THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE—
CLAUDIA
Right here is when Mr. McDonald marched up to the desk and tried to pick up the squirrel cage.
Except he picked it up by the wrong part of the cage.
TRANSCRIPT OF SIXTH GRADE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE
JAMES:—on his little squirrel legs—
MR. MCDONALD: YOU NEED TO TAKE THIS SQUIRREL—
JAMES: That’s not a handle—!
MR. MCDONALD: [EXPLETIVE DELETED]
[RANDOM SHOUTING, SCREAMING, FURNITURE MOVING]
CLAUDIA
What Mr. McDonald thought was a handle turned out to be the quick release lever on the cage door. So when he yanked on it, the side wall of the cage popped up, and Nutty the Squirrel jumped out.
Then Nutty started zooming around the room, looking for an exit. Or possibly revenge. I’m not sure which.
And Parvati ran screaming for the door.
PARVATI
Excuse me, but I don’t know why EVERYBODY didn’t run screaming for the door. Squirrels carry diseases!
CLAUDIA
When Parvati flung open the door, Nutty ran out and disappeared down the south stairs.
And that was the end of the debate. Because we had to spend the rest of the afternoon helping Mr. McDonald search the building for Nutty.
JENS
It was very strange. In Netherlands, debates are much longer in time. And nobody brings the animal.
KALISHA
Even without the squirrel, it wouldn’t have gone on that long. Because if Reese had started answering the second question the same way he answered the first one, I would’ve pulled the fire alarm.
Although I have to say, I think the audience really enjoyed it.
BRYCE
Best. Detention. EVER!
CLAUDIA
Oh, sure. Ed. Note: sarcasm
Except for the part where it Killed. My. Campaign.