EPILOGUE
(aka A BRIEF CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE ELECTION)
CLAUDIA
If the idea that I won the election by standing up for what I believe in makes you happy… and you are totally satisfied with how this history ended… stop reading right here.
NO, SERIOUSLY—STOP HERE
REESE
That IS the way it ended! You crushed it, Claudia! Hooray for you!
CLAUDIA
I’d like to believe that. I really would.
But a few weeks after the election, Student Government was debating my proposal for everybody to share the roof equally—which, BTW, wound up becoming official school policy, and I am very proud of that. Ed. Note: also, soccer got un-banned (but w/rule that nobody can kick balls off roof)
And during the debate in SG about the roof, Max was all up in my business. Because he’d suddenly decided he was TOTALLY AGAINST ANYBODY using the roof for ANYTHING except what he called “quiet sitting.”
Which was very strange. Because the only other time I’d ever heard the term “quiet sitting” was when Athena used it during our secret Starbucks meeting.
And the day before the SG debate, I saw Max walking out of Starbucks with all four Fembots… holding what looked like a Gingerbread Chai Latte.
I’m not saying the Fembots DEFINITELY bribed Max to get him to support their sunbathing on the roof idea.
I’m just saying it’s possible.
MAX
That’s ridiculous! I’ve ALWAYS been a huge supporter of “quiet sitting”! My position on the roof was a matter of conscience. Ed. Note: “matter of conscience” = what politicians say when they feel VERY strongly about something (OR ARE LYING)
CLAUDIA
Either way, Max and I were arguing about the roof. And I told him I had a mandate from the voters Ed. Note: “mandate from the voters” = when you get elected to do a specific thing (like share the roof) to make sure everybody shared the roof equally.
And Max yelled, “You don’t have a mandate! Your brother lost on purpose!”
MAX
It’s not like I can prove anything. But when we had that snow day, and I called Reese to set up a meeting about the transition? He told me meetings were lame, and he’d rather eat his own foot than go to one. Ed. Note: prob not exact quote (Reese usually says “eat my own HEAD”)
So I said, “Reese—you realize being president is NOTHING BUT MEETINGS, right?”
He said, “Really?”
I said, “Really. It’s all meetings. Plus speeches. Plus all the prep for the meetings and speeches. So you need to get to work.”
Then Reese went, “Uhh… thanks for the heads up.”
But the way he said it? It was like a light had just switched on in his brain. And he realized if he was president, he’d HATE EVERY SECOND OF IT.
REESE
No way! That’s totally cray! I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT into being president! Including the meetings! And the speeches!
I mean, maybe not 100%. But DEFINITELY 80%.
Or at least 50%.
KALISHA
Now that I think about it… I did get this weird text from Reese the day before the election.
REESE AND KALISHA (text messages)
What wld hapen if I dropped out of race?
I’d kick your butt into next week
Srsly?
Seriously. Your life would not be worth living. Why do you ask?
No reason its all good
KALISHA
I didn’t really sweat it. Because Reese knew I was serious. If he’d tried to quit on me? After all the work I put into making him president?
I would’ve kicked his butt HARD.
I still would. I’m the kind of person who carries a grudge. And I’m four inches taller than Reese is. So I can take him.
REESE
This is cray! Seriously! I did EVERYTHING Kalisha told me to! Right up until the end!
CLAUDIA
Really? Who’d you vote for?
REESE
Me! I voted for me! Of course I voted for me. Why wouldn’t I?
What are you getting at here, Claudia?
CLAUDIA
Like Max said, I can’t really prove anything. But here’s my theory:
The day before the election… when Max told him about all the work he’d have to do once he got elected… Reese realized something.
HE DIDN’T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE PRESIDENT.
But he couldn’t quit. Because if he did, Kalisha would kick his butt. So Reese was going to be stuck with a job he didn’t want. And he’d be miserable.
EXCEPT… he was only winning by three votes.
So if he secretly voted for me—
REESE
A-ha! See! That’s why your theory’s cray—because I only have ONE vote!
So even if I voted for you, I’d still win by, like… okay, I forgot how to do the math here.
CLAUDIA
You’d win by one vote. Because if you were up by three and switched your vote, it’d be one LESS vote for you and one MORE vote for me.
REESE
Right! So EVEN IF I voted for you, I’d still win!
CLAUDIA
But if you got a SECOND person to switch their vote… then I’D win.
By one vote. Which is EXACTLY how many votes I won by.
REESE
But there’s no way! Like, who could I even get to switch their vote from me to you and NOT tell Kalisha? It’d have to be a total secret!
CLAUDIA
Oh, sure. Huge secret.
The kind of secret that could only be kept by someone very close to you.
Like, say…
YOUR BEST FRIEND WYATT.
WYATT
Uh… no comment?
REESE
Dude! Don’t say “no comment”!
WYATT
Why not?
REESE
’Cause it sounds bad!
And ballots are secret! Right, Claudia? Like, nobody can prove who voted for who?
CLAUDIA
Absolutely.
WYATT
Oh. Okay. Then no! Definitely no. I definitely did NOT vote for Reese.
I mean Claudia! I did NOT vote for Claudia!
I voted for Reese! Totally.
REESE
Me too! So your theory’s TOTALLY CRAY, Claudia. There’s NO WAY I secretly lost on purpose.
Please don’t put it in the book. Seriously. Please?
CLAUDIA
I won’t.
REESE
Thank you!
CLAUDIA
Unless I think it’s important for future historians to know.
And/or I think you totally deserve to get your butt kicked by Kalisha for putting me through that whole nightmare of an election.
KALISHA
Reese, can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?
REESE
Oh, geez… Ed. Note: SORRY, REESE! (not sorry)