OTTO is seated. DOM stands at full attention, covering one eye with a bag of frozen peas.
OTTO
I told you not to engage her in conversation; you don’t have the skill set. Can’t you get a name out of someone without losing an eye? “Take down her particulars” is what I think I said. And don’t stand at attention all the time.
DOM
I’m only trying to fill out the jacket.
OTTO
It’s not just about posture in this business.
DOM
I walked out before she got to me.
OTTO
Listen to me. Are you listening to me?
DOM
Is it really that big?
OTTO
Don’t talk to me about these new uniforms.
DOM
She has no respect for authority.
OTTO
Don’t say that; you don’t know her. You don’t know her motives. Okay, you think you know; what are her motives?
DOM
She’s a thief.
OTTO
“Thief” is not a – listen to me – not a motive. “Thief” is a consequence. You understand?
DOM
No.
OTTO
We’ll go out sometime, we’ll talk about it.
DOM
Like – after work? Like friends?
OTTO
Look at me.
DOM
I am.
OTTO
Are you all right, can you see?
DOM opens his eye, blinks.
DOM
I think so.
OTTO
Jesus. Okay. What do we know so far?
DOM
Her name is Alma.
OTTO
Says who?
DOM
Her: she told me. And the other one is Phyllis.
OTTO
Phyllis.
DOM
To us, they don’t have names, right?
OTTO
Where did you get that?
DOM
To us they’re the apprehended suspects.
OTTO
Are you just making stuff up now?
DOM
It’s in the training curriculum.
OTTO
You’ve been here, what, six hours?
DOM
Closer to seven, sir.
OTTO
Don’t get too excited about the training curriculum. You want to quote me the protocols for handling evidence, too? When meat falls out of somebody’s underpants? What goes on here is not covered in any rule book, believe me. Listen and learn. Sit down, for God’s sake, you make me feel like I’m at a –
DOM
Sir?
OTTO
– military tribunal. And why are you always interrupting me?
DOM
I’m only seeking clarification.
OTTO
You’re what?
DOM
When in doubt I should seek clarification.
OTTO
You can throw all that out the window. In here, it’s survival, going with your gut. It’s like this morning, with the banana thing –
DOM
I’m still a little confused about the bananas.
OTTO
It’s called a supposition of innocence. Sometimes a person will peel a banana and eat it while they’re shopping. And then when they get to the checkout they will probably pay for it. You don’t grab their arm and attempt to throw them to the ground.
DOM
So how do they weigh it?
OTTO
Huh?
DOM
Won’t it weigh less if the customer eats it?
OTTO
Is this a conversation about bananas? Could we just –
DOM
I made up for that, though.
OTTO
Yeah, you more than made up for it.
DOM
I knew she was up to something.
OTTO
Alma. Alma.
DOM
And Phyllis.
OTTO
Huh?
DOM
And what about securing and protecting the crime scene?
OTTO
Don’t call it a crime. It’s a story. What we need to do is get behind the story. We need to get inside their heads. You know why?
DOM
Because they’re the enemy.
OTTO
Where do you get that? How? How are they the enemy?
DOM
It’s like when you’re in a battle, in a war, right?
OTTO
Holy Jesus. You ever been in a war?
DOM
Not a regular war.
OTTO
The Salvation Army is not an army, just so you know.
DOM
Tell that to the Devil.
OTTO
I’m guessing you were a little too zealous for them.
DOM
Sometimes you just have to make people charitable.
OTTO
Sure, well, in here we work with a little less ardour. It’s more about attentiveness. It’s a sensitive environment. You don’t want to scare people away from buying their groceries.
DOM
No sir.
OTTO
When you run around shouting like that, in the middle of the store like that, all you’re doing is stopping the wrong people from doing the right things. You know what’s going on out there?
DOM
Where?
OTTO
Out – there?
DOM
Vice is what’s going on.
OTTO
Is that what you see? Vice?
DOM
An epidemic.
OTTO
Did I say that before? Don’t quote back to me things I didn’t say before. What I said was, we live in a world of have and have not. I think I said it over by the specialty foods, because whenever I’m over in the specialty foods I think about people in other parts of the world.
DOM
I remember, yeah.
OTTO
And we are here to remind people what they don’t have, they can’t have by just stuffing it into their jackets; the imbalances of the world cannot be corrected by a can of stolen tuna. And in a quiet and orderly way, we just induce them to please return the items from whence they were absconded, and walk away the better for it.
DOM
Is that why you told me not to stop them?
OTTO
Did I say not to stop them?
DOM
You said –
OTTO
It’s not just about stopping; it’s how we stop them. We represent the conscience, Dom. This new uniform, as ugly and ill fitting as it may be, speaks to the higher nature of human conduct. When some person dares to strike out at the world by sticking a frozen cheesecake into their backpack or whatever, we are here to remind them that there is a better way. You might want to unclench your fists a little.
DOM
I can’t help it.
OTTO
I know, and I understand. It’s hard to accept that there is wrong in the world, but we’re not just talking about some ladies with steaks up their dresses. Who are the real thieves? Ask yourself. We don’t have to do this, you know. Let people steal. Personally, I hate this fucking job. I could be doing something else with my fucking life. I could be out there –
DOM
Where?
OTTO
There!
DOM
I thought they were letting you go.
OTTO
I didn’t tell you that. Who told you that?
DOM
It’s why you’re training me in.
OTTO
I told you we had philosophical differences is what I told you. Letting me go? I’m letting them go. The kid takes a bottle of rubbing alcohol . . . rubbing alcohol. Is it Armageddon?
DOM
What kid?
OTTO
They hire you to guard the fucking merchandise, but are they down here, on the front lines, making these life-and-death, on-the-spot decisions? You know who’s making these decisions?
DOM
Us?
OTTO
You know what? Sometimes when I ask a question you don’t always have to answer it.
Beat.
Alma . . .
DOM
Should we go get them from the holding area?
OTTO
Who? No, let them sit in that locker for a while. Work up a sweat.
DOM
How? It’s eight degrees.
OTTO
We’ll let them just think about what they’ve done. You know what I’m saying?
DOM
Sir?
OTTO
Don’t call me “sir.” What?
DOM
I’ve been meaning to say –
OTTO
Don’t say you’ve “been meaning to say,” just say.
DOM
We did not clearly identify ourselves.
OTTO
When?
DOM
When we apprehended the suspects. We did not clearly identify ourselves as security providers.
OTTO
Here we go again with their rules! What do they think this is? Water polo? Or that fucking game with the weird bats that sounds like a – an insect?
DOM
And why aren’t we calling the police? I thought –
OTTO
That just narrows the scope of this investigation. The police walk in and bam, it’s over, Dom. Case closed.
DOM
Don’t we want it closed?
OTTO
It’s a door, Dom, you open it, see what’s on the other side. Without knowledge, Dom, without knowledge, what are we? Just . . . some guys guarding a store. Of course, now you’ve complicated the situation by, you know, catching these two –
DOM
That’s right.
OTTO
Let’s just go back to the beginning. You saw her put the meat under there.
DOM
I didn’t see anything.
OTTO
No?
DOM
I didn’t see her conceal the meat. I was just using my – you know?
OTTO
No.
DOM
The other one, she was walking in an unwieldy manner, so I used my intuition.
OTTO
Who asked you to use that?
DOM
I just wanted to make an impact here.
OTTO
Oh you did that, all right. We don’t have a case now.
DOM
What about the cameras?
OTTO
They were in a blind spot. We don’t have a case.
DOM
So we build a case.
OTTO
What are you talking about? How? How do we do that?
DOM
Give me one more try with her.
OTTO
Look, Dom, it’s your first catch – and congratulations, you caught a big one, and on your first shift and everything – but we don’t have a case if you didn’t see it happen.
DOM
You can’t just let them go.
OTTO
Who’s letting anybody go? It’s a bad stop. They could sue us for holding them without evidence. If we let them go now, we’re done for. We need a confession.
DOM
Maybe they’re holding more evidence. Maybe we need to search them.
OTTO
We can’t search them. We can’t do anything. Unless they actually confess –
DOM
I’ll get a confession.
OTTO
Look at you; you’re like a gun ready to go off. I’m taking over from here. Besides, I was the one who spotted her.
DOM
But you didn’t even think they were walking all that funny.
OTTO
In this neighbourhood, everybody walks funny.
He weakens.
Oh boy.
DOM
Are you okay, sir?
OTTO
Okay? I’ve been doing this job for thirty fucking years. Thirty! Go talk to her friend.
DOM
I won’t lose my cool this time.
OTTO
Just do what I do. Look at them through softened eyes. Like this.
He demonstrates.
DOM
What does that do?
OTTO
It’s a relaxation thing. I’m using it to reduce my stress. The job, the changes, when I need calming and mindfulness – you know, in order not to – Jesus. I think I’m having a heart attack.
DOM
I think I’m having one, too. My heart’s just, practically –
OTTO
This is a blood-pressure situation.
DOM
I know CPR.
DOM approaches OTTO, open mouthed.
OTTO
What are you –
DOM
I just –
OTTO
I’m fine for the moment, thanks. I can breathe on my own. Just sometimes – with all the pressure –
DOM
Yeah, the pressure –
OTTO
We don’t want to –
DOM
We don’t want to fly off the handle and kill anyone.
OTTO
What?
DOM
All I’m saying –
OTTO
Yeah, well – don’t say that. That’s not –
DOM
Not –
OTTO
We’ll just – we’ll leave them alone for a few more minutes.
DOM
Let them reflect on God and his commandments.
OTTO
Something like that.
DOM
Not let them pee.
OTTO
Yeah, well that’s –
DOM
No woman can stand being away from a restroom for too long.
OTTO
I guess not.
DOM
We’ll show them how it’s done. Right, Otto?
OTTO
This is how it’s done. With reason and good judgment and, who knows, maybe even a little humanity. Because without that, without that –
DOM
Sure.
Beat.
DOM
Have we got any duct tape?
Blackout. In silhouette, DOM and OTTO exit, returning a moment later with ALMA and PHYLLIS, a nervous thirty-two-year-old dressed as stylishly as she can afford. The two men seat the women at either end of the table, then leave, locking the door.