It felt as though Erica had just closed her eyes when the blast of her phone pulled her from sleep. Fumbling for the phone, she squinted at the clock on the nightstand. When she finally saw the time, she was sure it was wrong. It couldn’t be almost three. Unless that was three in the morning and she had slept the entire day before.
“Hello?” Erica mumbled as she pressed the phone to her ear.
“It’s about time you answered,” Cory said. “Ron and I have left you like twenty messages.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s fine. We’re just worried. How are you?”
Erica couldn’t suppress a yawn. “I’m not sure yet. I just woke up.”
“Sorry for waking you, but that’s not what I meant.”
“What?”
“I meant, how are you now that you’ve seen Linc? Is he okay?”
Erica’s heart ached as she thought of Linc’s broken body. “It’s bad, Cory.”
“What’s bad?”
“They tortured him,” Erica whispered, and Cory drew in a sharp breath. “Both his knees are broken and his shoulder was dislocated and they… they beat him and starved him.”
“Jesus Christ. How the hell is he still alive?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t know how to help him.”
“Look, I’m no relationship expert or anything, you know that, but I don’t think there is much you can do except, you know, be there for him,” Cory said. “Encourage him and support him and stuff like that, and if that’s not enough then blow him every night.”
“Cory!” Erica shrilled, though she laughed.
“What?” Cory feigned innocence. “I’m just saying it can’t hurt, and besides it’s not like it’s a hardship. Shit, I’d blow the guy if he wasn’t married to you.”
Knowing her friend wasn’t serious, Erica laughed harder.
“I would,” Cory insisted. “Linc’s hot, and I’ll bet he’s got a monster cock with as tall and broad shouldered as he is.”
“We are not having this conversation.”
“Don’t act like this shocks you.”
It didn’t. Cory had always been the type to say what was on her mind. As much as Erica admired the trait, and sometimes wished it was one she possessed, she worried about her best friend. If Cory wasn’t careful, her brutal honesty was going to piss off the wrong person one of these days.
“So, when are visiting hours?”
“What?”
“Visiting hours at the hospital. Keep up, Erica,” Cory joked.
“Oh, I don’t know.”
“Next time you go, find out and let me or Ron know so we can visit Linc.”
“You can’t.”
“Can’t what?”
“You can’t visit Linc.”
“If it’s like a family only rule, we can always lie and say we’re his sisters or cousins or something.”
“Linc doesn’t want any visitors.”
“What? You’re fucking kidding me right? Tell me that doesn’t include you, or I’ll drive to that hospital and kick his ass right now.”
Erica smiled at Cory’s misplaced but well-meaning anger.
“That son of bitch did not tell you not to visit him! I’m going to cut off his—”
“Cory, calm down. I meant he doesn’t want to see anyone but family, at least not yet.”
“Oh, well, I guess I can understand that, but we can still see you, right?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure when I’ll have time.”
“Listen to me, Erica,” Cory said, her voice taking on a hard edge. “I get that you want to be there for Linc. You should be, but you can’t take care of him and ignore yourself. The only thing that’s going to do is give you a nervous breakdown.”
As usual, Cory made sense. Erica didn’t know where she would be without Cory and Veronica.
“That’s better,” Cory said. “Now that we’ve settled that, Veronica and I are going to come to your place on Friday to hang out. We’ll be there at seven.”
“I’m not up for movie night.”
“We don’t have to watch movies, but we’re coming and you’re not going to stop us.”
Erica smiled. “I’m not, huh?”
“No, you’re not. Today’s only Tuesday. That gives you three days to spend with Linc and get your place cleaned up,” Cory said. “I’ll bet it looks like shit.”
“It doesn’t look that bad,” Erica protested.
Cory laughed. “Whatever, I’ll call Ron and let her know that’s the plan.”
“Okay,” Erica gave in before softly adding, “Thanks, Cory. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“Good thing you’ll never find out,” Cory said before clicking off the line.
Erica felt as if a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It was good to know that her friends were looking out for her. She was going to need their support to get through this.
Entering Linc’s room, Erica was surprised to find that he was alone. She planted a kiss on his forehead before taking the seat next to his bed. “Where are your parents?”
“They left a while ago.”
“You could have called me so you didn’t have to be alone.”
Linc shrugged. “No big deal, gave me some time to think.”
“About what?”
“Dr. Hayes came in to examine me after they left.”
“What did he say?”
“I need to start physical therapy for my knees, but it’s going to be a little slower with this.” Linc gestured toward his left shoulder cradled in the sling. “I guess I should already be on my feet and walking by now, but since I can’t grip a walker, it’s a little complicated.”
“Is there something they can do about that?”
“They’re still going to do physical therapy, but it’s going to be modified.”
“What does that mean?”
“A therapist is going to come in three days a week and use this machine on my knees. Doc Hayes said it was a CPM machine, but I can’t remember what the CPM stands for,” Linc admitted. “It’s supposed to help improve the range of motion in my knees, and I can use it without having to get out of bed. While they’re doing that, they’re going to work on some exercises for my shoulder too. Guess the idea is to make sure I can be out of the sling and on my feet in another couple of weeks.”
“That sounds like a good place to start.”
“I guess.”
“Do you think it’ll hurt?”
“Probably, but that’s not what worries me.”
“What does?”
“They’re going to use this thing on me three times a day, three days a week for almost two hours at a time.”
“That seems like a lot.”
“Yeah, it is, and I don’t know if I can handle it.”
Erica gave him an encouraging smile. “Sure you can.”
“No, I can’t,” Linc snapped, jerking free of her hand. “How the fuck am I supposed to deal with this? I can’t even take a piss without having someone carry me to the God damn bathroom, and then I don’t even get any privacy. They just fucking stand there staring at me, waiting for me to finish so they can carry my broken ass back to the damn bed, and the whole time they’re touching me I’m fighting not to panic because in my mind I know they’re not trying to hurt me, but I can’t always accept it.
“Now they’re going to come in here three days a week and strap these fucking things on my legs and make me feel even more confined. I already can’t get out of bed. What more do they want? When the fuck is it going to be enough? How…”
Sobs wracked Linc’s body as his rage faltered.
“Todd,” Erica said softly, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.
“Don’t touch me!” Linc shook off her touch, and Erica gasped at the anger in his eyes as he glared up at her. “You need to leave, now.”
Erica took a step back. “What?”
“Are you fucking deaf? I said get out. You don’t want me now.”
“Of course I do. I love you.”
“I don’t want you! Get the fuck out, and don’t come back!”
Erica stared at Linc, trying desperately to find the man she’d fallen in love with. What she saw in the blue eyes looking back at her was something she never expected to see; hatred and rage, at the moment directed toward her.
“Get out, God damn it!”
Erica gave him what he wanted, practically running from his room as she fled his anger. Tears streamed down her face as jammed her finger into the button that would bring the elevator and let her make her escape from the hospital.
When the doors slid open, she stepped inside. Avoiding the gazes of the other passengers, Erica moved to the back of the elevator. Not wanting anyone to see what a mess she was, she kept her head down.
“Are you all right, dear?”
Erica looked up into the concerned face of an older woman that put her in mind of Linc’s mother. The woman was dressed in pink pants and a matching smock. An ID badge hanging from her neck showed her name was Wilma Cruz, Volunteer.
Forcing a smile, Erica said, “Yes, thank you.”
“Are you sure?”
Thinking of Linc’s anger, Erica could only nod, not trusting her voice.
“Did he kick you out?” Wilma asked, smiling when Erica’s eyes widened.
“How did you know?”
“I hate to say it, but they all do it, especially if they’re newly injured. They’re angry so they take it out on the people they love and need the most.”
“That’s just dumb.”
“You’re right about that, but nobody ever said men were smart, did they?” Wilma laughed. “They feel inadequate for being injured in the first place. They feel like they’re going to be a burden to those they love since they’re not coming back the same. They feel like you’d be better off finding someone better, someone whole.”
“I don’t want someone else.”
“Of course you don’t. He’s just lost right now, and he needs to know you’re not giving up.”
Erica wasn’t giving up, not now and not ever, and she was going to do whatever it took to make sure Linc knew it.
Instead of leaving the hospital after Linc’s outburst, Erica made a detour to the cafeteria. There, she sat nursing an iced tea and mulling over Wilma’s words. Once she’d finished off her drink, she rode the elevator back to his floor.
Erica’s steps were practically stomps as she marched down the hallway. When she stepped into his room, he turned to stare at her. The shame lurking in his wide eyes was a relief to see, but it didn’t deter her from what she needed to do.
“Now you listen to me, Todd Lincoln,” Erica said as she advanced to his bedside. “I don’t know what gave you the idea that I wouldn’t want you anymore, but you can get that idea out of your head. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere.”
“Rik, I—”
“No, I’m talking now,” Erica informed him. “I know you’ve been through a lot. I’m not going to say I understand it because I don’t, but I need you to understand that it doesn’t make a difference to me. You can be mean to me. You can yell at me and tell me to go away, and I will for a little while, but I’ll always come back because I love you.”
Linc bit down on his lower lip. “You wouldn’t say that if you knew the truth.”
“I know what I need to know.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I know you’re a hero.”
Linc snorted. “I’m no hero. I’m a fucking mess.”
“You’re only a mess because you’re injured, but you’ll recover.”
“Some things you can’t recover from,” Linc said softly, looking away. “You can’t recover from being forced to…”
Placing a tender hand on his cheek, Erica turned his head, forcing him to face her. “You don’t have to say it, Todd. I already know. Dr. Hayes told me what they did to you.”
“Not all of it.”
Erica’s heart sank. There couldn’t be more. There couldn’t possibly be more that he’d gone through.
“The day it happened, we were on convoy.”
“You don’t have to tell me this.”
“I want to. I need to.”
“Okay.” Sitting beside his bed, Erica reached for his hand, hoping she had enough strength to make him strong. “Just know this. No matter what you tell me, it’s not going to change the fact that I love you, and it’s not going to make me leave.”
“I hope not,” Linc whispered, taking a deep breath before pressing on. “The day it happened, when we were on convoy, the lead vehicle hit an IED, and all hell broke loose. The blast threw me out of the vehicle. That’s how I dislocated my shoulder.
“Enemy soldiers were on us before we could even see them coming. I tried to shoot back, but it didn’t matter. There were too many of them. They were shooting us. My brothers were dying around me, and I couldn’t do anything.
“They left the dead and took those of us who were alive. I don’t know where they took us, just some shack in the middle of the desert. They made us change in to those orange jumpsuits and then filmed us. They wanted us to say that we were alive and unharmed and were being treated well. When we refused, they hogtied us and put hoods over our heads.”
Linc paused, shivering as he became lost in his memories. Erica tightened her hold on his hand as if that could somehow keep him anchored to her.
“I was so scared by then, Rik. I thought they were going to kill us. The hood was black, no eye holes, only this really small hole for breathing and one for our mouth, not that they gave us much food and water.
“Only one of them spoke English. He said the American military was going to pay for how it had defiled and degraded the Iraqi prisoners of war. If we refused to go on camera and say that the United States was wrong to be in their country and if our president didn’t withdraw all American troops, we were going to be the example.
“When we refused, they stripped us and beat us and that damn hood. They never took it off. They gave me water, but it wasn’t clean, made me sick. I didn’t want anymore, but I was afraid if I didn’t drink it I’d either die of dehydration or they’d kill me.
“Wherever they were keeping us, it was dirty, like I could feel dirt under me, and it was cold, cold and small. If I had to, you know, relieve myself, I tried to do it in a corner or something, but it was hard since I couldn’t see where the fuck I was.”
Linc stopped, taking another shaky breath. Knowing the worst was yet to come made Erica’s heart pound out of control, but she didn’t look away. She kept her gaze on his, needing him to know that she wasn’t ashamed of him and didn’t think less of him.
“The whole time we were there, they were always fucking with us. Telling us we were stupid and we were going to die, shit like that. That was the easiest thing to take. Even getting beat wasn’t so bad after a while. There’s this point where your body just shuts down, stops feeling, like it’s trying to protect you.
“I think they knew it too, probably because we stopped trying to fight back. That’s when it got worse, when they gave me the pipe. They told me…”
Erica cringed, knowing what was coming next.
“They told me if I didn’t shove it up my ass and say I liked it they’d kill the others,” Linc whispered, not able to meet Erica’s eyes. “I thought they were fucking with me, wanting to see me squirm, hear me beg or something. I thought maybe it was their way of trying to break me, and I wasn’t going to let them. I wouldn’t take that pipe. Then I heard them beating Mouse when I refused, and he starts calling ‘Jesus Christ, Linc. Please do it’.
“God, Rik, I was shaking so bad and so scared I couldn’t move. Mouse was screaming, and they’re saying I must want to kill my friend and I was freaked the fuck out. Mouse was the highest ranking of us, and it wasn’t his first time in combat or even his first time injured. For them to be making him scream like that, I knew it was some serious shit they were doing to him. I couldn’t take hearing him scream so I did it while they stood back and laughed.”
Linc began to shake, no longer looking at Erica.
“I wanted to die of shame, and they weren’t even done with me.”
Linc’s voice trembled so violently that Erica almost didn’t understand him. Erica felt ashamed for him. She didn’t want to hear any more, but she sensed if he didn’t tell her then that he might never be able to.
“I thought once would be enough for them. I’d only have to do it once and they’d be satisfied, knowing they broke me. One of them broke my knees when I said I wouldn’t do it again. I said no, and he hit me across both knees, took them right out from under me. Felt like a baseball bat or something. I knew they were broken. I felt it, heard it. Christ, it hurt worse than anything, but it did its job.
“They won. I couldn’t take anymore. I just wanted it to stop, and I had this idea that if I just stopped fighting them, they’d stop caring, like it wouldn’t be fun anymore or something. We were all quiet after that, and I thought the other guys were thinking what I was, just let them have their fun and maybe they’d get bored and stop.
“It seemed like it worked for a while, and then they were worse than ever. Beating me and giving me that damn pipe and telling me to jerk off while I fucked my stupid American ass. When I couldn’t, you know, get hard, they’d laugh and kick me and say all this insulting shit. It was like the worse things were for me, the happier they were.
“I wanted to die, Erica. I was so tired of it all I wanted to die.”
Though the idea of him dying made her feel as if she couldn’t breath, Erica understood. The things he’d had to do and had done to him were worse than terrible. No one deserved to suffer that way.
“I kept thinking about my promise to you. I prayed to God constantly to bring me back to you.”
“I prayed for the same thing,” Erica said softly.
“The day I was found, I was scared shitless. I was at this point where I knew what was coming every day, but that day things were different. The men holding us were shouting. I don’t know what they said, but I could tell they were freaked out, and it freaked me out. I thought they were finally going to kill me, especially when one of them shoved his hand under the hood and stuffed a bunch of dirty rags in my mouth.
“I was gagging and freaking out, figuring they were too chicken shit to hear me scream when they did it, when they killed me, but it never happened. I could hear them running and shouting, could feel the chaos, and then nothing. They were gone and it was so fucking quiet, first time I understood that phrase deafening silence.
“Took me a while to figure out they were gone. They’d left me there to die. They couldn’t even kill me like a man and put me out of my misery quick. They wanted me to die slowly, painfully, and it pissed me the fuck off. I was trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of there since I was still tied up and hooded and gagged.
“Then it got loud as fuck. There was all this shouting in English, guys calling out shit about being U.S. Marines and telling anyone inside to show themselves or they were going to get shot. I was so fucking scared they wouldn’t realize I was one of them and they’d shoot me. I was praying like hell for someone to find me and help me.
“Then I heard one of them yelling about finding the prisoners. I could feel them over me, hear them, knew they were friendlies, but I couldn’t tell them anything. Not until they took off the hood and pulled the rags out.
“They got me out and got me to Germany and got me patched up. I found out that one of the guys made it back to the base and told them about the attack and us being captured.”
Erica’s mind couldn’t accept the horrors Linc was telling her of. It was too awful to be real. It sounded more like the plot of a gory war movie than something that could truly happen to a real person.
“I had to tell them what happened, had to tell them everything I just told you.” Linc scrubbed a shaky hand down his face. “Christ, I don’t know how to get over this, don’t know if I can.”
“You can, and I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”
“I don’t ever want anyone else to know what happened.”
“They won’t.”
“Do you think people will be able to look at me and tell?”
“I think they’ll be able to tell you’ve suffered. They just won’t know exactly how.”
“Do you think it makes me less of a man?”
“I think the opposite.”
“What do you mean?”
“Linc, you were tortured and beaten and starved and violated in horrible ways, but you kept it together for ten days and got out of there alive,” Erica explained. “You could’ve given up and let them kill you, but you didn’t. And you didn’t because you knew you had to keep a promise to me. Only a man could’ve lived through what you did.”
“I love you, Erica,” Linc whispered.
“I love you, Todd.”
For a long time afterward Erica held his hand as they sat in silence. He couldn’t say anymore, and Erica couldn’t hear anymore. Instead, they held on to one another, grateful he had made it out alive.