TWO HELLS:
IN SURVIVAL, FINDING ONE’S SELF
There was a time I had never thought of Hell outside of Christianity. I had never heard of the Odyssey and only heard of the Inferno from watching Jeopardy. Since reading these two books life for me has an added new meaning. For instance: Dante’s Inferno creates an all too detailed visualization of Hell and what it may be. While reading the Inferno I’ve often put myself behind Virgil and Dante walking through Hell. I don’t take kindly to seeing myself in Hell, but Dante’s writing makes it impossible to just read without visualization. In my opinion Hell is under-rated. It is not taken seriously, even by people who say they believe in God or, as some candy coat it, a higher power. The Inferno reminds vividly of a culture that I have been religiously a part of for over the past 7 years. It is the life I live in Prison which to me is Hell. In many ways prison is like Hell. There are differences but they do not underscore the Hellish reality of Prison.
The Inferno is constructed like a prison. It is especially similar to the eighth circle. The souls are in pits which are guarded by beasts and demons. They are being punished in accordance to their sins on earth. Prison is the same way. The sins we committed as citizens are judged according to law which is based on universal principles. We, who are in prison, had to answer for our sins and our lives were taken from us. Our bodies became the property of the state of California. We are reduced to numbers and stripped of our identity. To the state of California I am not Michael Alexander Allen but I am K-10033. When they want to know anything about me they do not type my last name in the computer but it is my number that is inputted. My number is my name. I am K-10033. In the Inferno those who are inquired of are asked [their names]. Here is one of the differences between my hell in prison and the Inferno. The souls in the Inferno are called by name. To some, it may be a matter of filing but to me, it is a means to keep anyone with the potential to be great, mentally enslaved.
The suffering in prison is almost an exact replica of circle six, the 2nd ring. Those who were violent against themselves are without identity. Because they committed violence on their own selves they are without bodies. Instead, they are imprisoned in trees and bushes. They bleed in pain when so much as a branch is broken or a bush is trampled by dogs. So it is the same with inmates who are tried and tested every day. Inmates bleed when they are unable to protect themselves. They become trees, susceptible to abuse and left writhing in pain, mentally and physically.
The suffering varies in prison. Mentally, the suffering is unbearable. It’s a constant beating on my sanity. My emotions feel as if they’re in a river full of tears, raging with unfed paranhas. I think of circle 4 when the hoarders and wasters are pushing weight against each other. This struggle is done for an eternity. I’m left with thoughts of never making it out because that which I struggle against is at most times incomprehensible. The subjection and oppression my mind takes seems to be an eternity. I think of Dante’s use of ice as nothing but a mere deception. Ice within itself is enticing to the burning soul. Ice can get so cold that it burns flesh. And it’s parallel to any sin committed on earth. The root of sin is lust and the desire to satisfy that lust. Lust becomes a sin when it is against human Nature. Lust only creates wanting and wanting creates greed and greed burns Flesh. It is lust that causes us to believe we have to have something at all cost. This is my suffering, this is my hell. 24 hours all night. There is no day. My soul in its entirety is in darkness.
Ice is Dante’s enticing deception. Deception is darkness. Whichever lust (ice) that convinced me I needed something at all cost, was my deception and therefore the reason for my present darkness. My present darkness is this prison. A culture of hellish existence that I have suffered over the past 2,700 days. There is no sure thing as surviving, just barely existing. My lust is like the hoarder of circle 4. My flesh is like the wasters who are fighting against the hoarders in circle 4. Internal light cannot be extinguished except by the possessor thereof. Virgil is my internal light. I accept and build on whatever reasoning I can comprehend from Virgil (my subconscious). I’m trapped in a hell with whom society decrees to be the worst of living and better off dead. Robbers, rapists, child molesters, carjackers, murderers, and dope fiends who would spend their mother’s monthly rent for a quick fix. And here I am, amongst them. As much as the mere thought disgusts me, I am one of them. Just another number, not deserving of a second chance. In this hell where I have lived with thousands of different, nasty, confused, perverted, sorry, pathetic, evily slick, and heartless wraiths, I do have a second chance. In this hell, where I have come across dozens of Virgils, Shakespeares, Martin Luther King Jr.s, Einsteins, Alex Haleys, and Dantes, I have a second chance. In this hell I am Dante. Dante was not in hell due to a fatal sin but somewhere in his life he strayed onto the path of error, away from his true self. I, K-10033, strayed away from my true self: Michael Alexander Allen.
And like Dante I am forced to descend lower into hell to achieve a full awakening. I am forced into depression, scarred by obscenities, war after war, but each war that I survive I am a step closer to a full awakening of self. My hell is no longer demonstrating what I am capable of doing in order to survive. It has become what I can tolerate and withstand in order to live. I cannot help but to judge those around me. I am one of them but we are far from the same. Like Dante I am cursed with a spirit of discernment which allows us to see the truth for what it is. There are most whom I despise who are truly sick beyond healing and they should never leave this place. Then there are those who await to fulfill their destiny. I see in them a sincere and apologetic heart for their ill misdeeds. They are the one who will change the world positively or positively change someone’s world. Hell cannot hold the latter of the two opposites but in time will only spit them back out into society to do what is right. The hell that I live in cannot hold Dante. Hell can test and try one’s self but it cannot hold Dante and it will not hold me. In the Inferno, the dead are trapped forever. Surely, the biggest and most important difference in the Inferno and my hell called prison, is that I have a way out.