One of the special rewards for learning and applying advanced bedroom skills is that sex gets better and better. Like a fabulous vacation after working hard, or a sensual walk through the forest on a sunny spring day, or the exhilaration of climbing to the top of a mountain, great sex is not just a reward but something that can rejuvenate the body, mind, and soul. It brightens our days and strengthens our relationship in the most basic ways.
A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also a major factor in creating it. Great sex fills our hearts with love and can fulfill almost all our emotional needs. Loving sex, passionate sex, sensual sex, long sex, short sex, quickie sex, gourmet sex, playful sex, tender sex, rough sex, soft sex, hard sex, romantic sex, goal-oriented sex, erotic sex, simple sex, cool sex, and hot sex are all an important part of keeping the passion of love alive.
A great sex life is not just the symptom of a passionate relationship, but is also a major factor in creating it.
Great Sex for Women
Great sex softens a woman and opens her to experience the love in her heart and to remember her partner’s love for her in a most definite way. Her partner’s skillful and knowing touch leaves no doubt in her mind that she is important to him. The hunger for love within her soul is fulfilled with her partner’s passionate and fully present attention. An ever-present tension is momentarily released as she surrenders once again to the deepest longings of her feminine being. Her passion to love and be loved can be fully felt and fulfilled.
Great Sex for Men
Great sex releases a man from all his frustrations and allows him to rekindle his passion and commitment to the relationship. In a most immediate way, he experiences the results of his efforts. Her fulfillment is his ultimate quest and victory. Her warm and wet responsiveness excites, electrifies, and awakens the deepest fibers of his masculine being. Heaven’s gates are opened, and he has arrived! Through her fulfillment, he feels he has made his mark and his love is appreciated. His sometimes hidden but all-consuming and ever-present desire to love and be loved is both felt and satisfied as he returns to his world yet remains deep within her.
Great Sex for the Relationship
Great sex reminds both men and women of the tender and highest love that originally drew them together. The alchemy of great sex generates the chemicals in the brain and body that allow the fullest enjoyment of one’s partner. It increases our attraction to each other, stimulates greater energy, and even promotes better health.* It leaves us not only with the sparkle of youthful vitality, but with a heightened sense of beauty, wonder, and appreciation not only for each other, but for the world around us. Great sex is God’s special gift to those who work hard to make love a priority in their lives.
The one major characteristic that makes a marriage more than just a loving friendship is sex. Sex directly nurtures our male and female sides more than any other activity a couple can share. Great sex is soothing to a woman and helps keep her in touch with her feminine side, while it strengthens a man and keeps him in touch with his masculine side. Sex has a tremendous power to bring us closer or push us apart.
To create great sex, it is not enough for men or women to follow their ancient instincts. As times have changed, the quality of sex has become much more important. Our mothers couldn’t tell us and our fathers didn’t know the secrets of great sex. Just as the skills for relating and communicating have changed, so also have the skills for sex. To fulfill our partners in bed, new skills are required.
Without a clear understanding of our different requirements in sex, after a few years—sometimes only months—sex becomes routine and mechanical. By making a few but significant shifts, we can completely overcome this pattern.
Women Love Great Sex
Great sex requires a positive attitude about sex. For a man to continue feeling attracted to his partner, he needs to feel that she likes sex as much as he does. Quite often a man will feel defeated in sex because he mistakenly gets the message that his partner is not as interested in sex. Without a deeper understanding of how we are wired differently for sex, it is very easy to feel discouraged.
Women love great sex as much as men. The difference between a woman and a man is that she doesn’t feel her strong desire for sex unless her need for love is first satisfied. Most important, she first needs to feel loved and special to a man. When her heart is opened in this way, her sexual center begins to open, and she feels a longing equal to or greater than what any man feels. To her, love is much more important than sex, but as the need for love is fulfilled, the importance of sex dramatically increases.
Women love great sex as much as men, but to feel turned on, women have many more requirements.
Even if a woman doesn’t feel loved but feels the possibility of being loved, she can begin to feel her deep desires for sex. Generally speaking, however, a man needs only the opportunity and the place to become aroused. In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.
In the beginning of a relationship, sexual arousal is much more automatic and quick for a man.
Different Chemistry
This difference is reflected physiologically. The hormones in a man’s body that are responsible for arousal quickly build up and then are quickly released after orgasm. For a woman, the pleasure builds up much more slowly and remains long after orgasm.
For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. Before longing for sexual stimulation, a woman first feels warm, sensual, and attractive. She feels drawn to a man and enjoys sharing time together. It could be days before she wants to have sex.
For a woman, arousal slowly builds long before it becomes a physical desire for sex. It is hard for a man to understand her different requirements because they are not his experience.
When a man becomes aroused, it is immediately sexual. To wait days requires enormous restraint on his part. It is hard for him to understand her different requirements because they are not his experience.
When a man returns home from a trip, he might want to have sex immediately, while his wife wants to take some time to get reacquainted and talk. Without an understanding of this difference, it would be very easy for him to feel unnecessarily rejected or for her to feel used.
In the beginning of a relationship, a man is more understanding of a woman’s need to wait before she has sex. But once they are having sex, he doesn’t realize that she still requires emotional support first before she wants to have sex. In a very real sense, emotional support is the price of admission. He does not understand the importance of fulfilling her emotional needs first because his requirements are less.
“Men Only Want One Thing”
Women commonly think men only want one thing: sex. The truth is, however, that men really want love. A man wants love just as much as a woman, but before he can open his heart and let in his partner’s love, sexual arousal is a prerequisite. Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love.
Just as a woman needs love to open up to sex, a man needs sex to open up to love.
As a general guideline, a woman needs to be emotionally fulfilled before she can long for sexual contact. A man, however, gets much of his emotional fulfillment during sex.
Women do not understand this about men. The hidden reason a man is so much in a hurry to have sex is that through sex, a man is able to feel again. Throughout the day, a man becomes so focused on his work that he loses touch with his loving feelings. Sex helps him to feel again. Through sex, a man’s heart begins to open up. Through sex, a man can give and receive love the most.
When a woman begins to understand this difference, it changes her whole perspective on sex. Instead of a man’s desire for sex being something crude and divorced from love, she can begin to see it as his way of eventually finding love. A woman’s feelings about a man’s preoccupation with sex can dramatically shift when she understands why a man needs sex.
Why Men Need Sex
Men need sex to feel. For thousands of years, men adapted to their primary job as protector and provider by shutting down their sensitivities, emotions, and feelings. Getting the job done was more important than taking the time to explore feelings. More feeling or sensitivity would just hold them back or get in the way.
Men need sex to feel.
To go out into the wild or into battle, men needed to put their feelings aside. To provide for and protect their families, men were required to risk their lives while enduring the discomforts of scorching sun and freezing cold. Men gradually adapted to this requirement by becoming desensitized. In fact, this difference shows up dramatically in skin sensitivity. Women’s skin is ten times more sensitive than men’s skin.
To cope with pain, men learned to turn off their feelings. When they stopped feeling pain, however, they also lost their ability to feel pleasure and love. For many men, other than hitting their finger with a hammer or watching a football game, sex is one of the only ways they can feel! It is definitely the way they can feel most intensely. When a man is aroused, he rediscovers the love hidden in his heart. Through sex, a man can feel, and through feeling, he can come back to his soul again.
Why Women Don’t Understand
Women don’t understand this difference because they have different requirements to fully feel. A woman primarily needs the emotional security to talk about her feelings. When she feels supported in a relationship, she can rediscover the love in her heart. When her emotional needs are met in this way, her sexual needs become more important.
It is confusing to her when he wants sex and they are not even talking or he has ignored her for days. To her, it seems as if he doesn’t care if they have much of a relationship. She has no idea that when he begins to hunger for sex it is because he wants to reconnect and share love. Just as communication is so important to women, sex is important to men.
A woman’s sexual responsiveness is the most powerful way he can hear that he is loved. Sex can be the most powerful means to rekindle a man’s feelings of love.
When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high. Sex is the direct line to a man’s heart.
When Mom said that the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach, she was about four inches too high.
What Men Need
A man is empowered and nurtured most when he feels appreciated, accepted, and trusted. When a woman is aroused, she is actually giving a man megadoses of what he needs most.
When a woman is longing to have sex with a man, she is most open and trusting. In a very dramatic way, she is willing to surrender her defenses and not only reveal her nakedness, but bring him into her body and being as well. By desiring a man in this way, she makes him feel very accepted. Then, when his every touch creates a pleasurable response, he feels greatly appreciated. In the most tangible and physical way possible, he feels and experiences that he is making a difference.
Even if he is stressed from the day, if his wife is feeling loved and supported and enjoys sex with him, he can be immediately rejuvenated. Although it seems as if sex makes him feel better, it is really that he is feeling again and able to let in her love. He is no longer cut off from his feeling self but can move into that deserted part of his being again. He can feel whole again. Like a thirsty man wandering in the desert, he can finally relax and take a drink from the oasis of his feelings.
Like a thirsty man wandering in the desert, during sex he can finally relax and take a drink from the oasis of his feelings.
Through touching her softness and entering the warmth of her loving body, he is able to remain hard and masculine but also experience his own softness and warmth. Through skillfully restraining his sexual passions, he is able to gradually open up not just to pleasurable sensations, but to the deeper joy of loving his partner and being loved in return.
What Makes Sex Great
It was about the fifth year of my marriage with Bonnie when I began to understand consciously what really makes sex great.
One time after having really great sex, I said, “Wow, that was great. I loved it. I loved every little moment. That was as good as it was in the beginning…”
I looked at Bonnie, expecting her to nod in agreement or say something like, “Yes, that was spectacular.” Instead, she looked a little puzzled.
I said, “Well, wasn’t it as good for you?”
She said matter-of-factly, “I thought it was much better.”
I suddenly had ambivalent feelings. I thought, “What do you mean, this was better? Were you just faking it in the beginning? How could you say this was better? Wasn’t it great then too?”
She continued, “When we first had sex, it was wonderful, but you didn’t really know me and I didn’t really know you. It takes years to really get to know someone. Now when you make love to me, you know who I am. You know the best of me and you know the worst of me, and you still desire me and love me. That is what makes sex great for me now.”
From that moment on, I began to realize the truth of what she said. What makes sex really great is love. The more you get to know someone and continue to grow in intimacy and love, the more the sexual experience has a chance to thrive.
Over the years, my sexual experience had also changed. It had been so gradual that I hadn’t even noticed until she pointed it out. This awareness allowed me to focus my attention on how to make sex even better. In the next chapter, we will explore how sex can continue to improve.
*In his book, The Power of Five, Harold Bloomfield, M.D., reveals that regular sex is vital for maintaining higher estrogen levels in women. Higher estrogen has been associated with better bones, better cardiovascular health, and a feeling of joy in life. Men who experience regular sex have a higher testosterone level, which leads to greater confidence, vitality, strength, and energy.