Women enjoy conversation most when they are not required to get to the point right away. Many times, to relax or to get closer to someone, they like to circle around for a while and gradually discover what they want to say. This is a perfect metaphor for how a woman enjoys sex. She loves it when a man takes time to get to the point and circles around for a while.
Until her desire and arousal is intense, a woman enjoys being touched in a nondirect manner. For example, before moving his fingers or the palms of his hands to touch her breasts, a man should circle them for a while, getting closer and closer. Then, when he is about to touch, he should move somewhere else and start again.
Instead of being directly stimulated in her most sensitive places, as a man likes, a woman wants to be teased or gradually led to the place where she is longing to be touched. For example, when taking off her bra, instead of just taking it off each time, sometimes a man should slowly move his finger along the inner lining, then slowly pull down the bra strap, allowing the breast to be exposed, and then cover it up again.
A woman wants to be teased or gradually led to the place where she is longing to be touched.
A man can tease a woman by giving a little and then backing up to start over again. Repeating this process generates more desire in her. Her increased longing provides great pleasure for her as well as for him. Once he realizes what is really turning her on, he begins to feel the power of restraining his own passion to drive her wild with pleasure.
A Woman’s Need to Relax
A man generally doesn’t understand a woman’s need to relax and get into sex slowly. He starts out ready to go. He does not readily understand a woman’s need to relax first because sometimes he may want to have an orgasm so that he can relax. Unlike men, most women need to relax first before they can enjoy great sex.
Teasing and foreplay give her the time to relax and gradually let go of her inhibitions. Slow, rhythmic, and unpredictable physical touching, stroking, and rubbing of the nonerogenous zones gradually awaken a more intense longing to be touched in her erogenous zones. Before a man can fulfill a woman, she first needs time to relax and feel the part of her that needs to be filled up.
A piece of good advice commonly found in books about sex is for women to prepare for sex by taking a long warm bubble bath with the lights down low. Before I understood the differences between men and women, I could never understand this. If I took a long warm bath, I would probably fall asleep. Now, however, it makes sense to me that a woman could greatly benefit from a long warm bath.
Relaxation and gentle stimulation are the basis for a woman’s arousal. By slowly tracing her body with his fingers and tender kisses, a man will awaken her more erogenous zones, which will long to be touched.
A Lover with a Slow Hand
When I interview women about what they want most from a man, again and again they tell me they want a lover with a slow hand. This slow process increases her pleasure so that when his fingers and tongue eventually move to touch her breasts, her nipples are erect and longing to be touched. When he moves to her inner thighs, vulva, labia, clitoris, and vagina, she is already wet, warm, and ready to be touched. When she is stimulated in this way, her pleasure wells up from deep inside her being.
A man is different. Directly touching his penis dramatically increases his pleasure. Many women don’t realize this and frustrate a man by waiting too long to touch and rub his genitals. If such touching seems too direct for her, a woman can relieve much of his frustration with the weight of her body pressing against his groin.
A woman needs to remember that direct stimulation provides maximum pleasure for a man.
Because men are different in this way, a man needs to practice going slow. When he begins to consciously experience how wonderful it makes her feel, gradually it becomes more instinctive. A man needs to remember that to increase a woman’s pleasure, he needs to delay direct stimulation. It will take longer and sometimes it will seem as if nothing is working, but eventually her pleasure will be much greater. If he takes this extra time, not only will she be happier, but he will also experience greater pleasure.
A man needs to remember that to increase a woman’s pleasure, he needs to delay direct stimulation.
Circumambulating the Temple
Certain ancient temples are dedicated to worshipping the female aspect of God. According to one ritual associated with these temples, you have to circumambulate the temple three times before entering it. This same principle applies to loving and adoring a woman during sex.
Before directly touching or entering a very delicate spot, a man should prepare her first. For example, when a man is kissing a woman, abruptly putting his tongue in her mouth can be too sudden. Instead, he should kiss her lightly several times, and then as she begins to open up, he can place his tongue in her mouth. One wonderful sensation is to first circle around inside her mouth before plunging more deeply.
When touching her breast and eventually the nipples, he should also circle first. For example, instead of directly touching her breast and then her nipple, he should first slowly move down toward the breast and then come back up. Then, with a slow rhythmic back and forth movement, he can get closer.
Once he begins to touch her breast, he can gracefully move his hand back and forth, cupping his hand around her breast in much the way her bra would. He could move his hand back and forth in a gentle rocking motion. Eventually, he can move all around the breast. Then he may squeeze and release it again and again. All these motions are designed to slowly and repetitively increase and then decrease stimulation.
One little tip that any man can easily learn is the art of taking off her bra. Years ago when I would take off my partner’s bra, I would practically wrestle with the fasteners. Sex suddenly became very clumsy and awkward. How is a guy supposed to know how to take off a bra when he doesn’t wear one?
This problem can be easily solved. One day when your wife is not around, find her bra drawer and take five minutes to examine her different bras. In a few minutes, you can become an expert. There are basically three kinds of fasteners: the up and down kind, the back and forth ones, and the ones in the front. Practice opening them so you can do it effortlessly with one hand. Then, with your eyes closed, practice doing it with one hand.
The next time you have sex, she will be greatly impressed as you coolly and confidently release her bra. Women like men to have confidence. This is one area in which a man can definitely know what to do. As he releases her bra with one hand, she will begin to melt and surrender to his knowledgeable and masterful touch.
How to Increase Desire
To increase her desire, a man may choose to touch her somewhere else and then come back to her breast and start all over. When he comes back this time, he may choose to get closer to the nipple. Instead of going directly, he should graze over it as if his touch is unintentional. This gives her a chance to feel her nipple’s sensitivity and long for more.
When he comes back, he should circle the breast for a while. In this case, circling three times is not enough. Ten times longer than he would normally wait will probably do the trick.
Once he is touching the nipple, he can gently stroke it back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. The approach should be as though he has all the time in the world. Once the nipple is erect, he can gently lick it or begin to suck it. A woman will be particularly aroused when a man sucks on her nipple while he is stroking her clitoris.
Taking Off Her Panties
A man should begin to touch between her legs only when he thinks she is already wet. Sometimes it is good to first touch around the lining of her panties and gradually explore her vulva.
It is very exciting for her if he doesn’t just suddenly pull down her panties. Instead, he may start to pull them down and then pull them back up a little higher.
Instead of taking them off, he can begin touching her on the inside edge of her panties across the back, then the front, then along the edge down the front. Then he can put his fingers inside the edge between her legs and feel the moist hairs and flesh around her vagina.
Once he has checked with a gentle probing finger that she is wet, he can take off her panties. Or, instead of immediately pulling them off, he can once again delay pulling them down to convey the message that he is in control of his passions.
Even if his passion is mounting, he can take a long time. This restraint and control allow her to feel freer to release her inhibitions and let go of control. Instead of taking off her panties, he can reach around her buttocks and pull her panties into her crack to expose her bare bottom. After turning her panties into a G string, he can begin to touch and stroke her buttocks and her inner thigh from behind.
Eventually, he can take off her panties and begin stroking her inner thighs and circling her whole vulva to touch her clitoris.
Touching Her Clitoris
Many times men forget to touch the clitoris. In my counseling, I’ve often heard a woman complain that her partner doesn’t touch her there, or that when he tries to, he misses the spot much of the time, or that even when he gets it right, he doesn’t stay long enough. Many women see this as a sign that he doesn’t really care about her.
That judgment is generally not true. A man forgets to touch the clitoris because he doesn’t instinctively understand how important it is. Here are some findings that will help a man to remember. In my own interviews and in most sexual studies, women report that ninety-eight percent of the orgasms they experience are directly the result of stimulation of the clitoris.
A man forgets to touch the clitoris not because he doesn’t care about her fulfillment, but because he doesn’t instinctively understand that almost all female orgasms result from the stimulation of her clitoris.
Men, imagine having sex without having your penis stimulated. It would certainly not be very much fun. In a similar way, for a woman to enjoy great sex, stimulation of the clitoris for five to fifteen minutes is necessary if he wants her to have an orgasm.
Quite commonly in counseling, a man will tell me he touches his wife’s clitoris for five or ten minutes. His wife, however, will privately tell me he rarely touches her there, and when he does, it is only for a minute or two.
I assure her that he really thinks he is taking more time and then teach her advanced skills for getting what she wants. By first accepting a man’s tendencies to forget her needs, a woman can begin to get what she wants. If she is angry with him, it is hard for him to hear her legitimate requests.
Taking More Time for Her
If a man is not touching a woman’s clitoris for a long enough time, I suggest that she reach down and continue touching herself. In this way, he gets the message loud and clear but doesn’t feel criticized, corrected, or controlled. When he experiences how much she is enjoying it, he will then automatically begin taking more time for her.
When there is another way she would like him to touch her, instead of patiently and silently bearing what he is doing, she can reach down and make the moves on herself that she wants him to make. At those times, the man should grab a pillow and go down there to watch and learn.
One very effective way a man can learn to give a woman a longer interlude in sex is to time it. It doesn’t sound romantic, but it sure works. I recommend that the man discreetly put a clock by the bed. While he is touching her vulva and clitoris, he can occasionally glance over and time himself.
Men are often surprised to discover that when they are aroused, they truly are living in a different time zone. What feels like ten or fifteen minutes of stimulation is really only one or two minutes by the clock.
By setting himself up to take a full five to fifteen minutes, he can begin to give her the stimulation she really needs. When she is prepared in this way, she can more fully receive him when they begin intercourse.
Skillful Stimulation
A skillful female lover directly stimulates a man’s most sensitive and erogenous area, his penis and testicles. As these areas are stimulated, the rest of his body gradually wakes up and wants to be touched, licked, and stimulated as well. She can then successfully begin to use on him all the teasing techniques that would excite her. The trick with a man is to first stimulate his most pressing and sensitive organ.
A skillful male lover first stimulates a woman’s least sensitive and least erogenous areas. First he might touch her hair, kiss her lips without yet inserting his tongue, wrap his arms around her, touch her legs but not her inner thighs, touch her back, or touch her buttocks. Then he might gently press his body against her, up and down, rubbing her with his groin back and forth in a circular motion.
By gradually moving around her body or rhythmically going back and forth on a certain area next to an erogenous zone, he wakes up her more sensitive areas and makes them want to be touched. Then, again in an indirect fashion, he can approach her more sensitive areas to provide repetitive stimulation.
A skillful male lover first stimulates a woman’s least sensitive and least erogenous areas. A skillful female lover first stimulates a man’s most pressing and sensitive organ.
By mastering the art of slowly increasing her desire, a man can be confident that he knows what to do to drive his partner wild with pleasure. This confidence alone is very exciting to a woman. In the next chapter, we will explore how to increase sexual confidence.