Sexual confidence is the ultimate turn-on for both men and women. A woman is turned on when she feels her partner is confident that he knows how to fulfill her. His confidence assures her that he knows what to do, can be flexible if something isn’t working, and has staying power. A man is turned on when a woman has confidence as well, but in a different way.
Sexual confidence is the ultimate turn-on.
When he senses her confidence in him, he is even more turned on. When her eyes give the message that she feels assured that she is going to have a good time, that he can do no wrong, and that she wants him to make love to her, he is very excited.
If a woman seems too confident that she knows what to do to drive him wild, it can possibly be intimidating. He may begin to wonder if he can do as much for her; he may begin to doubt that he can last long enough to satisfy her. Certainly, it is good for her to be confident in her abilities to satisfy him, but as with all advanced relationship skills, her greatest ability to fulfill him is through helping him be successful in fulfilling her.
A woman’s greatest ability to fulfill a man in sex is through helping him be successful in fulfilling her.
Learning About Sex
Before I began teaching seminars on sex, I had been a celibate monk for nine years. As a monk, I had been a teacher of spiritual philosophy and meditation. When I reached the age of twenty-seven, my life radically changed. I ceased being a monk, returned to the world, and started having sex again.
For the first year after nine years of abstinence, I was like a hungry man eating after a long fast. I felt a great need to make up for what I had missed. All I could think about was women, love, and sex. I had sex for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Sometimes after a few hours of sex, I was so sore that I would walk as if I had bowling balls between my legs.
I read all I could about sex and had as much sex as possible. I wanted to learn as much as I could. Eventually, I began a Ph.D. program in sex and psychology.
When I was with a woman, I would explain to her that I had been a monk for nine years and was just learning about sex. I would ask her to teach me about her body and tell me what made her sexual experience the most fulfilling.
This approach had a tremendous effect. Somehow, women didn’t mind my not knowing about sex because I had been a monk. Not only would they get really turned on telling me about what they liked in sex, but I really learned a lot.
After about two years of intense sexual experimentation according to various ancient traditions of the world, my sexual partner at the time and I started teaching workshops on sex and spirituality. Together we facilitated discussions about what made sex great for both men and women. Throughout the seminar, many participants talked openly about what made sex memorable.
Everyone benefited from this process of talking about male and female likes and dislikes. Although I was leading the discussions, I was clearly a student as well. I was taking notes and then trying things out with my partner at home.
Why Talking Doesn’t Always Work
Most men have never been monks and thus feel uncomfortable asking a woman the details of what she likes in sex. Not only does a man think he should already be a sexual expert, but a woman also wants her man to know what he is doing. She expects him to know intuitively what to do. She may also resist telling him what she likes because she doesn’t want sex to be a pat formula but something they discover together.
Secretly, a woman may feel that if he is the right man or if he really loves her, he will know what to do. These feelings are food for romantic fantasy, but they don’t create great sex. In addition, a woman is commonly afraid to let her wishes be known for fear that she may be judged in some way or that her partner won’t do what she wants. For a variety of reasons, it just takes some of the romance out of sex if she has to tell him what to do.
Secretly, a woman may feel that if he is the right man or if he really loves her, he will know what to do. These feelings are food for romantic fantasy, but they don’t create great sex.
While most books on sexuality say that it is important to talk about sexual likes and dislikes, couples generally don’t do it. People in our society commonly are very inhibited when it comes to talking about sex, so we generally only discuss sex when it is not working. A partner who is dissatisfied begins to talk about what he or she wants, but by then the other partner has trouble hearing about these needs. Instead of talking being a fun experience, it sounds like criticism or blame, and usually to some degree it is.
Men are particularly sensitive about hearing feedback. When a woman tells him what she would like or doesn’t like, he hears her saying, “You are not good enough. Other men know how to do it, why don’t you? What’s wrong with you?”
Ironically, a man is expected to know about sex, and because he is supposed to know, he can’t ask her questions about what she likes and take time to learn about her. Just as women sometimes feel a need to fake orgasm to please him, men have to fake confidence to please her. Many men want to know more but don’t know how to talk about sex without sounding as if they don’t know all about it.
Just as women sometimes feel a need to fake orgasm to please him, men have to fake confidence to please her.
Easy Ways to Talk About Sex
One way to overcome this lack of communication is to read books together that describe sex and then discuss them. It is a lot easier to approach the subject of sex if your partner doesn’t feel blamed for doing it wrong. When you hear something that feels good to you, responding to it with a little “ummm” or a bigger “ummm” gives your partner the hint or reminder he or she needs.
No matter how much we know about sex, understanding differences between men and women adds a whole new slant. We are much more motivated to give our partners what they need when we understand the differences.
Sometimes when I speak about sex, I ask my audience to clap when they really like what I am saying, to emphasize to their partners that the point I am making rings true for them. Men are surprised at the times when the women clap the hardest, and vice versa. A husband doesn’t take it so personally when his wife claps because almost all the women are clapping, and besides, she is just clapping at what she likes, not complaining about him. She doesn’t need to tell him directly what she needs because he can observe her reaction.
Through directly experiencing feedback in this non-threatening way, many couples who had even stopped having sex suddenly started to enjoy great sex. By learning about their differences in this way, men and women are more able to remember them and are thus more motivated to do what it takes to create great sex for themselves and their partners.
Every Woman Is Different
Not only are men and women different, but every woman is different. For a man to truly understand what a woman needs, a simple discussion at some point can make a big and lasting difference. To complicate matters more, not only are women different, but over time they change and then may change back. While general techniques and approaches can be discussed in a book or seminar, your partner’s unique preferences cannot.
Every woman is different. For a man to truly understand what she needs, a simple discussion at some point can make a big and lasting difference.
For Sam, touching a woman’s clitoris was a hit or miss process. When she was getting all aroused, he knew he was doing something right, but didn’t exactly know what. So that he could become more confident, I suggested that he ask his partner, Ellen, to take a few minutes to teach him about her body. I recommended that they talk about it in a casual and detached manner without trying to get turned on.
In a very matter-of-fact way rather than some sexy conversation, she explained briefly what she liked most. At first, Ellen was a little shy about it, but Sam assured her that it would really help. Years later, Sam can still remember every word she said.
With a clear understanding of what a woman likes most, a man can relax. While he doesn’t have to be mechanical about it and follow her suggestions to the letter every time they make love, an awareness of her preferences gives him the confidence to create a new sexual experience each time. When something does not seem to be working, he knows he can always come back to what she likes the most. This kind of confidence helps a man to relax in sex and actually be more creative and spontaneous.
A man feels free to try new things when he knows he can always come back to the tried and true.
The Book of Love
In response to Sam’s request, Ellen said, “You want the book on how to make love to me?” Sam smiled and agreed.
In the privacy of their bedroom, Ellen first talked for a while about some of the ways she liked to be touched and where. He then asked her to show him how she liked to be touched between the legs. In a kind of clinical way, she began to show him. She was not really trying to stimulate herself but was just showing him her favorite moves.
After watching for a while, Sam looked very closely and repeated her moves just to get them right. He tried to remember clearly what her vulva looked like when she touched herself so that he could make the same motions with the same accuracy without looking.
To practice, they used a mirror. He lay down beside her and reached down to her vulva and began touching her with one hand while holding the mirror with the other hand. As he touched her genitals, he also watched his movements in the mirror. Later, when they were really having sex and she was moaning with excitement, he knew what was pleasing her because he could clearly visualize what his hands were doing and where they were touching.
During their talk, Sam carefully studied the terrain of her sexual organs, particularly the clitoris. Because he knew precisely where her clitoris was, Ellen was assured of always getting the stimulation she needed, but most importantly, Sam knew exactly what he was doing down there.
While this worked wonders to improve their sex life, I also suggested to Sam that when sex was exceptionally great, he could again ask Ellen what she liked most. At those times, I explained to Ellen, she should be careful to focus on what she liked so as not to sound critical.
If Sam asked specifically about something and she didn’t like it, instead of going into great detail, I told Ellen, she should just pause for a while as if to say she was thinking of a nice way to say that she didn’t like it. This consideration makes negative feedback much easier to hear.
Sometimes she might say, “It was nice,” or “It was all right,” but without much enthusiasm. Sam would get the clear message that it didn’t go over big. If something was displeasing to her, she might say, “I’m not really into that.” These kind, gentle comments make it easy for Sam to ask again in the future.
By asking her from time to time what she likes, Sam allows her to share any new discoveries or shifts in her awareness of what she likes in sex. Likewise, Sam would almost always let her know when she did something that he really liked.
When to Talk About Sex
It is just not romantic to ask a woman what she wants while you are having sex. It is best done either after sex or at another time when you are not immediately planning to have sex. During sex, she doesn’t want to think about her needs; instead, she wants to feel more and let it all gradually unfold.
To gather information about what a woman likes in bed, a man should listen carefully to how she responds during sex. A man needs to hear a woman verbally express her pleasure. That way, he gets the feedback he needs to know what is working to fulfill her. A woman may even enjoy sex more when she expresses her feelings verbally.
To more directly get feedback, a man can ask, but ideally he should do it when it seems as if sex has been rather good. Another good time to ask is in response to a comment in a book you are reading, or a lecture or movie scene.
This kind of conversation needs to be casual and not too direct. For example, a man should not take notes and then say, “OK, first you want this and then you want that, then after this I should do that.”
This approach is too mechanical for her. She needs to feel that when he is having sex with her, he is expressing his, feelings and not following a formula.
Giving Hot and Cold Feedback During Sex
Men are particularly sensitive about sexual feedback. When a man hears a woman’s suggestions or requests, sometimes he feels he is being corrected or criticized, and this is hard for many men to handle.
Giving “hot” and “cold” messages can help your partner tremendously. At some time in your life, you have probably played the game of finding something that was hidden. The way to help the person looking, without directly telling, was to give hot and cold messages.
When the searcher was getting closer you’d say, “Warmer,” and when the searcher was getting farther away, you would say, “Cooler.” In a similar fashion, a woman can make sounds during sex that say, “You are getting warmer,” or sounds that say, “You are getting cooler.”
These responses are very important. It is as though he is wearing a blindfold and needs her responses to find his way. With every touch, he needs to know whether it is hot or cold. Feedback is very important for him to learn about her body over time.
Sometimes a woman may be enjoying the relaxing phase of sex, and making no sounds is a natural expression of her inner calm and relaxation. This is confusing because at other times, no sounds could mean he is not stimulating her the right way and she is not getting into it. The solution is for her to verbally let him know if she is quietly enjoying the relaxation.
She could say, “This feels so good. I like just cuddling for a while,” or “It feels so good to just relax for a while and enjoy your touch,” or simply, “Umm, I like this.” This will give him the patience and understanding he needs to proceed.
How to Give Positive Direction
When a man is doing something that is uncomfortable for her or that she doesn’t want, the best technique is to move him in the direction that will be more pleasurable. As with other advanced relationship skills, the approach that works best is to help him be successful rather than focus on his mistakes.
In sex, she can just move his hand where she would like it and make a pleasurable response. He will quickly get the message. For example, if she wants to verbally say something, she should ideally say, “I like this,” instead of “I don’t like that.”
Ten Sexual Turnoffs
When a woman doesn’t understand a man’s sensitivities in this area, she will tend to unintentionally turn him off saying things like this:
This kind of feedback can simply shut a man off immediately. One minute he is aroused, and the next he is not.
Why a Man Shuts Down
Many times during sex, a man’s one goal is to please his partner. At those times, he is more sensitive to negative feedback. If he makes a mistake and feels criticized, sometimes the only thing a woman can do is accept that his feelings have been hurt and he just needs a little time before he can become aroused again.
When a man is seeking to please his partner, he is most sensitive to negative feedback.
Here’s an example of how a woman can unintentionally cause a man to shut down. During sex with Jake, Annie kept saying things like, “Not like that,” “I don’t like that,” and “That tickles.” Well, after three strikes, Jake was out. Suddenly, he stopped. In an instant, all his feelings were gone. He lost all his attraction to her and was simply turned off.
She said, “What’s wrong?”
He didn’t answer.
After waiting a few moments, she said, “Weren’t we just having sex?”
He said, “Yes.”
She said, “Well, are we going to continue having sex?”
He said, “No,” and then rolled over and went to sleep.
In counseling, I advised Jake to discuss with Annie what had happened. He told her, “During sex, I think I am very sensitive to certain comments. I would rather you move my hand where you want it than tell me you don’t like it. If I am tickling you, then I would rather you just pull my hand away and try not to laugh, particularly if I happen to be in a serious mood. If my touch tickles, you could also just apply pressure to my fingers to give me a message to press harder and not continue tickling you with a feather touch.”
To Jake’s surprise, Annie was very open to his comments, and he greatly appreciated that. Afterward, when Annie occasionally would say something that he felt was a turnoff, Jake did his best to dodge and let it pass.
Even if a man’s arousal goes away for a little while, if he just pretends that everything is fine, with a little time it comes back. To stop and discuss why he shut down is generally not effective in returning him to a state of arousal.
Even if a man’s arousal goes away for a little while, if he just pretends that everything is fine, with a little time it comes back.
Sounds Verses Sentences
To give feedback in sex, it is best for women to make little noises and not use complete sentences. When a woman uses complete sentences, it can be a turnoff. Using complete sentences is a subtle clue to him that she is still in her head and not fully in her body.
Sometimes a woman will say things she read in a romance novel, such as “Your touch makes me long for you to enter my body.” To a man, this can sound as stilted as “My, how big your hard member is.” It just doesn’t sound as if it’s coming from her feelings. To give him the same message much more effectively, she can make deep sounds like “uumph” or high sounds like “ohhh.” A woman’s feeling responses to a man’s touch give him all the feedback he needs.
A woman’s responses to a man’s touch give him all the feedback he needs.
If a woman is using complete sentences, it may be because she is turned on when a man uses them. It is very impressive to a woman when a man can be hard and aroused and also talk to her.
A man tends to be silent as his arousal is building. Although he has the ability to talk in complete sentences, he doesn’t do it; he doesn’t like her to talk in complete sentences and so he doesn’t realize that she will love it.
Talking to her in complete sentences not only increases her arousal but can raise her self-esteem and help her to love her body.
Twenty Sexual Turn-on Phrases
These are some phrases he can use to increase her pleasure if they express his true feelings. He should not use these phrases just to turn her on. It is important that they be genuine expressions of what is true inside him that perhaps he didn’t realize were important to say. Here is a list of twenty:
These messages clearly expressed or whispered in her ear help her to feel loved, which in turn opens her up to her more intense sexual desires. With all the media and magazines focusing on women with perfect bodies, it is difficult for a woman to accept that her partner truly adores her body.
I always get lots of applause from women when I recount this list of things to say. The comments about the breasts especially get big applause. Men don’t realize that women love and need to hear such things again and again. A man will feel during sex that his partner’s breasts are perfect, but he doesn’t realize that she needs to hear it. He mistakenly thinks it is enough that he wants to touch them.
The manager of a women’s lingerie store told me this story. While a group of women over age sixty were shopping, one of them was trying on a very sexy outfit. The other women were shaking their heads and telling her that she couldn’t wear it. With great confidence, she responded, “When you are the only naked woman in the room, to him you are a million dollars.” This comment revealed an insight that most women do not know about men. When a man loves you, the more aroused he becomes, the more perfect your body becomes to him. The last thing on a man’s mind during sex is how fat your thighs are.
When you are the only naked woman in the room, to him you are a million dollars.
When Men Look at Other Women
When every man’s head turns in a trance as a woman with a “10” body walks by, all the other women in the room are reminded that they don’t have “10” bodies. This can be hard on a woman’s self-image. Expressing love to a woman using complete sentences when she is open and naked in his arms not only turns her on but also helps her to feel really good about herself and grateful to be with such a loving man.
When every man’s head turns in a trance as a woman with a “10” body walks by, all the other women in the room are reminded that they don’t have “10” bodies. This can be hard on a woman’s self-image.
A woman doesn’t instinctively understand that the same man who stares at the “10” body, when in love and turned on by her, is also totally entranced by the feminine beauty of her body, regardless of where the media would rank it on a scale of one to ten.
When a man loves a woman and she is expressing her femininity in their relationship, he is attracted to her, not just to her body. The more he is attracted to her, the more beautiful her body is to him. Attraction that is only skin deep cannot last a long time. Quite commonly, an attraction that is only physical is quickly burned out, like a match.
Men Are Attracted Visually
It is important for women to understand that men are first attracted to a woman visually. A man sees a beautiful woman and instinctively wants to look at her body. When a woman sees a handsome man, she may want to get to know him but not just because of his looks. She is not immediately concerned about his body.
A woman commonly misunderstands and assumes that a man is superficial if he is attracted primarily to the physical. She does not realize that he too wants to get to know her, but the place he starts is the body.
At first, men are most turned on visually while a woman is most interested in getting to know the person. Gradually, as the relationship unfolds, a man becomes more and more turned on to the inner person. As a woman loves the inner man gradually over time, she is increasingly attracted and turned on to his body as well.
Even if at times in the beginning of a relationship, a man is not sure he is fully satisfied with his partner’s body, over time, as he grows to know her and love her, he will begin to experience the perfection of her body for him. It is quite easy for a single man to be hypnotized by the media about what makes a woman beautiful. He compares a woman to what he sees on TV and in magazines. Fortunately, when he is aroused and growing in love with a woman, the spell of the media is broken, and he can fully appreciate her beauty.
At these times in sex, he should reassure her by saying sweet nothings about how beautiful her body is to him. This not only frees him from the influence of the media but frees her as well.
A Simple Solution
Without an awareness of how men are attracted visually, a woman begins to feel unattractive when her partner looks at another woman, and begins to resent him as well. The solution to this problem can be simple.
A woman needs to accept a man’s natural visual appreciation of other women, and when a man looks, he needs to look appropriately. Once Bonnie and I were in an elevator with another older couple and a nineteen-year-old female model in a string bikini. This time, it was even difficult for the women not to look. When we got out of the elevator, the other woman said to her husband, “George, it’s OK to look, but don’t drool!”
A woman needs to accept a man’s natural visual appreciation of other women, and when a man looks, he needs to look appropriately.
Appropriateness and a sensitivity to your partner’s feelings is the answer. When I happen to notice another woman and enjoy looking at her, I will out of consideration for my wife turn back around and give her some special attention. It is my way of saying, “Yes, that was a beautiful woman. Oh, how I like beautiful women. I am such a lucky guy to be married to such a beautiful woman. You are the one I want to be with.”
By turning back to her and being a little affectionate, I assure her that she is the one I want to be with. Instead of being turned off, she is able to warm up to me instead.
Time, Time, and More Time
If we want confidence to grow and passion to last over time, we must take more time in sex. While a man may need only a few minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm, a woman generally needs much more. With this understanding, a man can remain confident that he is doing the right things even though his partner is taking much longer to become aroused and orgasmic.
Timing is one of the biggest sexual differences between men and women. A man is biologically wired to become fully aroused very quickly, like a blow torch, while a woman is wired to become aroused slowly and gradually.
How Much Time?
Basically, a man needs about two or three minutes of stimulation to have an orgasm. It is generally a very simple process, as easy as shaking up a can of beer and then letting it pop!
If a woman is to have an orgasm, she generally needs about ten times that amount of time. She needs twenty to thirty minutes of foreplay and stimulation of her genitals.
If a man wants to give a woman an orgasm, he should remember this: For her to experience the big “O,” he needs to place the “O” after his two to three minutes, making it twenty to thirty minutes.
For a woman to experience the big “O,” a man needs to place the “O” after his two to three minutes, making it twenty to thirty minutes.
Many times a man will be done with his orgasm after a few minutes and truly assume that she was just as happy and fulfilled.
He says, “Did you come?”
She feels like saying, “I didn’t even start.”
Sexual Versus Emotional Fulfillment
Intercourse feels so good to him, he can’t imagine that it wasn’t as wonderful for her. When she tells him that she didn’t come, he is easily confused or frustrated. Without understanding that she needs ten times more time than he does, he can easily feel powerless to turn her on.
During intercourse, she may also be making noises of pleasure and fulfillment. This does not always mean that she is getting the stimulation she needs. Many times the pleasure she feels is her emotional response to his pleasure. It feels good to connect to him emotionally and provide him with such pleasure, and it increases her desire, but emotional fulfillment does not stimulate her sexually. She needs the touch and the time if she is to have the orgasm.
Emotional fulfillment is not enough. A woman needs touch and more time if she is to have the orgasm.
In real estate, there is a saying to help us understand the value of a property: “Location, location, location.” In sex, it is “Time, time, and more time.”
When a woman gets the time she needs, she can feel confident that she will get the fulfillment she is looking for. When a man understands that it is not so much what he does but how long he takes to do it that makes the difference, his confidence is also increased.
A man instinctively feels confident when his partner has regular orgasms. If she doesn’t have an orgasm each time, he begins to worry. In the next chapter, we will explore how sometimes a woman can be fulfilled in sex without having an orgasm.