Women are like the moon in that their sexual experience is always waxing or waning. Sometimes, regardless of what a great lover he is, she will not have an orgasm. She is not only unable to have an orgasm, but she may not even want one. This difference between men and women is very important for men to understand.
In her sexual cycle, which tends to last approximately twenty-eight days, sometimes she really wants an orgasm and her body is ripe and ready, while at other times she would rather cuddle and be close. She could have sex at these times and even be aroused, but her body doesn’t care to have an orgasm.
Sometimes a woman really wants an orgasm and her body is ripe and ready, while at other times she would rather cuddle and be close.
Sometimes she is in the full-moon stage of her cycle, sometimes she is in the half-moon stages, and sometimes she is in the new-moon stage. In each of these phases and all the many phases in between, her sexual longings will vary. There is no way to predict which stage she is in. Even from month to month, the length of the cycle varies.
Men do not instinctively understand this difference because they are not like the moon in this regard. Men are like the sun. Every morning, it rises with a big smile!
When a man gets turned on, his body generally wants a release. He wants his orgasm, and he is generally quite capable of having one. If he gets all hot and turned on and then doesn’t have a release, not only will he feel emotionally dissatisfied, but he may also experience the physical discomfort of “blue balls.” This is why it is hard for him to imagine his partner not wanting or needing orgasmic release every time she has sex. She may enjoy the closeness of sex but not want an orgasm. When she is not interested or doesn’t have an orgasm, he mistakenly assumes something is wrong.
How Men Measure Success in Sex
Men tend to measure their success in sex by a woman’s orgasm. If she doesn’t come, he may pout for hours. This is why a woman feels pressured to perform in sex even if she doesn’t feel like it. She may fake sexual pleasure and orgasm just to satisfy him.
This pressure on her to perform prevents sex from being completely fulfilling for her. It also prevents her from experiencing the natural ebb and flow of her sexual experience. If she has to be equally responsive or orgasmic for him each time, she can’t relax and discover where sex will naturally take her.
Pressure on a woman to have an orgasm prevents sex from being completely fulfilling for her.
Once a woman feels she has to fake orgasms or perform, it can prevent her from having real orgasms. It is said that many of the great “sex goddesses” as proclaimed by the media were actually nonorgasmic in their real personal relationships. Quite commonly, prostitutes pretend to enjoy sex tremendously and be orgasmic but are incapable of having a real orgasm.
The pressure to have an orgasm each time can prevent a woman from having orgasms at those times when her body really can have one. One of the requirements for great sex is that a woman not feel pressured to perform in any way. This can be easily accomplished through an understanding of how men and women are different.
A great sex life means that sometimes sex will be a super fantastic memory never to be forgotten, while at other times it is may not be so intense, but it is loving and both partners get what they want; the man gets his orgasm, and whether or not she’s in the mood to have an orgasm, she gets the physical affection she wants.
Memorable Sex
One time while getting undressed before bed, I looked over at my wife while she was also getting undressed. I suddenly began thinking about the possibility of having sex that night.
I said, “Did we have sex this morning?”
She smiled and said, “Yeah, it was real memorable, wasn’t it?”
I laughed.
This exchange best describes for me the difference between regular sex and memorable sex. A great sex life includes both regular sex and regular memorable sex.
Although one may know the skills of memorable sex, it is easy to forget to use them and settle for a routine of regular sex. Men particularly forget how to create memorable sex. It is not that they don’t care, but they just forget what is important to the woman.
Men are more driven to be efficient. When twenty minutes of foreplay works, a subconscious impulse emerges saying, “Let’s see if ten minutes can create the same effect.” Quite automatically, he forgets her need for more time.
Why Men Forget
Having a great sex life doesn’t mean you experience fireworks every time, but it does require you to persist in being aware of your partner’s different needs. Ideally, each time both the man and the woman should feel they are getting what they need.
Men commonly tend to forget what a woman needs to be fulfilled in sex. In the beginning, he may go very slow in sex because he is not sure of what she likes or he is not sure that she is willing to let him touch her. But once they are having sex regularly, he doesn’t realize that it was his slow and tentative movements that were so arousing to her. Even when a man has read about these differences, because they are not his instinctive experience, he may easily forget them in the heat of his passion.
Once they are having sex regularly a man doesn’t realize that it was his slow and tentative movements that were so arousing to her.
Commonly, a woman will feel as if he doesn’t care about her. Even if a man cares deeply, he can still forget and not even know he is forgetting. I remember a surprising experience in the first year of our marriage. After giving an evening lecture on sex, while driving home I asked Bonnie if she had liked my talk.
She said, “I love hearing you talk about sex. That’s why I always come to your sex lectures. You describe it so clearly.”
I said rather proudly and confidently, “When I describe great sex, is that what I do?” I was expecting her to say, “Oh yes.”
Instead, she hesitantly said, “Well…you used to do it more.”
I said, “You mean I don’t do all those things?”
She said, “Well, recently you’ve kind of been in a hurry.”
I said, “Well, tonight we will have lots of time.”
She said, “Ummm, that sounds good.”
Her noncritical tone of voice helped me not to feel defensive. That night we did have a great time. I share this story to make the point that even when I regularly used to teach audiences about great sex, I could forget the very basics of taking more time for her.
When a man doesn’t take the time a woman needs, one skill for slowing him down is to make a brief, well-chosen comment like this:
“Oh, this feels so good. Let’s go real slow.”
“Let’s make sure we have plenty of time.”
“Tonight I want to take a long time.”
These kinds of comments are informative but not corrective or controlling.
What Makes Sex Memorable
While listening to men and women share stories of memorable sex in my early seminars, I began to notice a common theme. A man would tell stories about how a woman responded to him. He was proud of how he had driven her wild or taken her to higher states of ecstasy.
Women, on the other hand, described more how they felt and what he did for her. The buildup was more important to her than the end result. Women would proudly describe what the man did to provide for her fulfillment. This different theme is very significant.
The bottom line of what makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfillment. When a man is successful in fulfilling her, he feels most fulfilled.
What makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a man is a woman’s fulfillment.
What makes sex fulfilling and memorable for a woman is the same, her fulfillment. Certainly, she wants him to be fulfilled, but his fulfillment is not a primary cause of her pleasure. It doesn’t give her the physical stimulation she needs for orgasm. Women do not commonly say things like, “Sex was really great because he had such a great orgasm.” When a man is successful in fulfilling her, sex is great for her.
For sex to be memorable from both the male and female perspectives, the woman needs to be fulfilled. I have never heard a man complain, “She had a great time and I didn’t. All she cared about was herself and her own pleasure. She had her way with me and then left.”
When Her Pleasure Becomes His Pleasure
The more emotionally connected to a woman a man is, the more her pleasure becomes his pleasure. Through physically moving inside her being, he also emotionally moves inside her and can actually experience her fulfillment as his own.
If a woman has a great time, the man tends to take credit, and it excites him even more. His fulfillment and pleasure are ensured by her fulfillment. As we have discussed, his fulfillment in sex is determined or measured by her maximum fulfillment. If she doesn’t have an orgasm, he mistakenly thinks that she was not fulfilled. This tendency can be overcome when he understands that she can be just as fulfilled without always having an orgasm.
Sometimes a woman can be just as fulfilled without having an orgasm.
It is such a relief for both partners when the man finally understands that a woman can be fulfilled sometimes without an orgasm. He can stop measuring the success of sex by whether she had an orgasm, and she can stop feeling the pressure to have an orgasm when her body is not responding in that way. Instead, he can measure success by her fulfillment, and she can relax and enjoy the sex without the pressure. Men need to remember that women are like the moon and sometimes can be fulfilled even without an orgasm.
Women I’ve counseled have expressed this truth in different ways:
“I don’t need to have an orgasm each time. If I don’t have an orgasm, it doesn’t mean something is wrong.”
“Sometimes to be fulfilled, I just want to be held. I am happy if he gets off and has an orgasm, but I don’t really want one. It is just not there. At other times, it is there and I definitely want to have one.”
“I like having orgasms sometimes, but at other times, what I like most is the touching and cuddling.”
“Sometimes sex is too much about getting to the orgasm. I find myself trying to have one, and all the fun is gone. I want it to be OK with him if I don’t have one. It’s OK with me.”
When a man doesn’t understand that women are like the moon, it is not only very frustrating for him, but also puts a lot of pressure on women to perform.
Why Women Are Surprised
When I talk in groups about how men want a woman to be fulfilled, it is clearly a surprise to most of the women. They feel in response, “If he is so concerned with my fulfillment, then why is he in such a hurry to fulfill his own passions?” With an understanding of how we are different, it becomes easy to answer this question.
Men want a woman to be fulfilled but mistakenly assume that what makes him happy makes her happy. Just as he is turned on and fulfilled through her pleasure, he assumes she will be just as happy with his pleasure. He does not instinctively know that she needs more time, nor does he realize all the other requirements that women have for great sex.
As I have mentioned repeatedly, a woman’s sexual fulfillment is much more complex than a man’s. She requires a man with a skillful touch, lots of time, and a loving attitude. For a man, once he is aroused, it is generally a given that he will have an orgasm.
His problem, which we will discuss a little later, is that he may have an orgasm too soon; from his side, she takes too long and from her side, he is too quick. This problem is easily solved as men begin to understand how to prolong the sexual experience to fulfill her basic needs. Once she is fulfilled, then at other times she can be more supportive of occasions when he doesn’t want to take a long time.
Men and women are actually very compatible. For those times when a woman is like the full moon, needing an orgasm, a man can greatly enjoy taking her to higher levels of pleasure and fulfillment. At those times when she is a half-moon or less, her need to be touched can be fulfilled while he gets to enjoy sex freely without having to hold back. In the latter case he can quickly have an orgasm in a few minutes, the way he was biologically wired to.
Sometimes they can choose to take a long time so that she gets her orgasm, and at other times, when she is not in the mood for an orgasm, he can enjoy the unrestrained freedom of just going for his orgasm. At these times, he is like a sprinter running to his goal. At other times, he is like a long distance runner and is required to pace himself to last as long as it takes.
When a Woman Doesn’t Want an Orgasm
Sometimes when a woman begins sex, she doesn’t know whether her body wants to have an orgasm or not. She doesn’t know if she is in the full-moon or half-moon phase of her cycle. She may feel romanced by her partner and want to have sex, but as sex progresses, she may discover that her body doesn’t want to have an orgasm.
When the man is taking a lot of time trying to give her an orgasm and she is trying to have one but her body is just not responding, it can be very frustrating to them both. He feels as if something is wrong and blames her or himself. Without understanding her moon phases, she may feel that something is wrong with her. She will try to perform and respond for him, but it is not real. This can minimize sexual confidence for them both and leave a disturbing memory that minimizes their desire to have sex.
Once both partners understand the woman’s sexual cycle, these old frustrations disappear. When the partners have greater confidence, their sexual juices can begin to flow freely. Repeatedly, women tell me that by just hearing that they are like the moon, they are released to become orgasmic. A woman who has difficulty opening up in sex begins to open up when she doesn’t feel the pressure to have an orgasm. Not having to respond leads her to the place where her responses are more natural. By not trying to have an orgasm one day, she is freed to have an orgasm at another time.
A woman who has difficulty opening up in sex begins to open up when she doesn’t feel the pressure to have an orgasm.
During sex, if a woman begins to realize that she is not going to have an orgasm, instead of continuing to try, she can say, “Let’s just have a quickie.” This little phrase can make a world of difference. He has no problem shifting from trying to give her an orgasm to suddenly going for his own orgasm.
Her not having an orgasm is only difficult when they don’t share an understanding that he has not failed her. When she says, “Let’s just have a quickie,” a part of him feels let off the hook. It reminds him that it is not his fault or hers; it is just not the time for her to have an orgasm. He can successfully fulfill her just by being affectionate and holding her while he goes for it.
Just as a man needs to take a long time for the woman to be fulfilled in sex, sometimes he needs her to not take a long time. In the next chapter, we will explore the joy of quickies for men, and women can be assured of getting what they need as well.