While many books talk about taking time for the woman to have a pleasurable experience, none seem to talk about the man’s legitimate need to not take a lot of time.
Although most men are happy to please their partners, sometimes a man can feel that he just wants to skip all the foreplay and, as the slogan goes, just do it. Something deep inside him wants to cut loose and completely let go without any restraint or worry about lasting longer or what he should do to make his partner happy. It’s not that he doesn’t want her to be happy, it’s that he doesn’t want to hold himself back.
To be patient and regularly take the time a woman needs in sex, a man needs to enjoy an occasional quickie. When he can follow his instincts once in a while to fulfill his need to “go for it” without all the buildup and foreplay, he can more easily take the time she needs on other occasions. Just as a car needs to run occasionally at high speeds on the highway to clean out the carburetor, some part of a man just needs to attain his sexual expression without any slowing down.
To be patient and regularly take the time a woman needs in sex, a man needs to enjoy an occasional quickie.
Feeling this need inside and acting on it are too different things. For example, even when James and Lucy did have quickies, James always felt a little guilty because it was clear that Lucy didn’t get what she needed.
James felt that having sex without foreplay for her was selfish and he was not being a good lover. To try to solve this problem, he would wait till he was almost late for work and then initiate sex with Lucy.
He would say, “Well, I only have a few minutes because I need to leave for work. Let’s have sex before I go.” She was very cooperative, and he would experience the joy of having a quickie guilt-free.
After a while, this didn’t feel right. James didn’t want to have to be late in order to enjoy an occasional quickie. To more effectively solve this problem, I suggested that James and Lucy negotiate.
Quickies for Cuddles
James said to Lucy, “Sometimes I would just like to have sex without all the foreplay. I know it doesn’t give you what you want, but it would sure feel good to me.” I asked Lucy, “What could James do to support you so that you would feel good about supporting him with quickies?”
She said, “I’m not sure. I guess I have a lot of considerations. I’m worried that if I willingly have quickies with James, that’s all I will get.”
He said, “OK, that makes sense. What if I promise to have more leisurely sex with you just as much as we are having now?”
She said, “That’s good. What about really special sex or a romantic getaway for an evening at least once a month?”
James agreed. In return for an occasional quickie, or “fast food sex,” they would have leisurely or “healthy home-cooked sex” once or twice a week, and at least once a month they would schedule a special time with no interruptions for “gourmet sex.” I asked Lucy, “Is there anything else you need James to do so that you will be comfortable indulging him in quickies?”
She said, “It all sounds great, but I still don’t feel completely comfortable with the idea of quickie sex.” She turned to James and said, “When we have a quickie, it is sometimes over in three or four minutes. By the time you are done, I am just getting started. I feel like you expect me to be all excited and responsive. I can’t in that short time period.”
James said, “That’s OK. I can give that to you. If you are OK with occasional quickies, I promise to never expect you to respond. It will just be your gift to me. I don’t expect you to get anything out of it. You can lie there like a dead log!”
She laughed and said, “OK, but there is more.” Lucy realized that in this moment she had great negotiating power. She had the moon and she was going for the stars as well, and James was glad to go with her.
She said, “If you are going to have regular quickies, then I want cuddles. I want to feel your willingness to cuddle with me for a few minutes without you getting turned on and wanting sex.”
He said, “No problem. Just tell me that you want to cuddle and that’s it. I’ll restrain myself and just be warm and affectionate.” He paused. “Is that it?”
She said, “I think that’s it.”
The Four Conditions
I thought this was a terrific deal, and so did James and Lucy. To make sure that their quickies would be guilt-free, I suggested that they summarize their deal.
James said to Lucy, “So given these four conditions: regular healthy home-cooked sex, gourmet sex once a month, no expectations during the quickie, and regular cuddles, you will then be happy to have fast food sex with me.”
She said, “It sounds good. But still if I’m just too tired or I’m bloated with my period or for whatever reason, I don’t want to feel like I have to say yes.”
James happily agreed.
In our next session, James shared that while having a quickie, Lucy really did lie there like a dead log, and he didn’t mind at all.
How to Increase Sexual Attraction
This new deal completely improved James and Lucy’s sex life in ways that they couldn’t imagine. James’s sexual attraction for Lucy began to increase dramatically.
James described it this way: “For the first time in my sexual history, I felt completely free. I was suddenly free to skip foreplay and go right to intercourse. For the first time, I was not at all concerned about my performance or having to please. It was strictly for me, and there was no sinking guilty feeling that she wasn’t getting what she needed. We both feel good about it because we know she will get hers at another time.”
For James and most men, the freedom to have guilt-free quickies is as liberating as going into a store and knowing that you can buy anything you want, or being able to drive your car without any speed limits; it is like riding a motorcycle without having to wear a helmet. It is definitely a very adolescent feeling, but it also brings new life into a man’s life and into the relationship. After all, it is in adolescence that a young man is in his sexual prime. No wonder this newfound sexual freedom greatly recharges a man’s sex life.
In addition, after James and Lucy made this agreement, he was never hesitant to initiate sex because there was no possibility of feeling rejected. On most occasions, when he initiated sex, if she was not in the mood, instead of saying no, which would make him feel rejected, she would simply say yes to a quickie.
Interestingly, after a few years of guilt-free quickies, they were not so important to James. Many times when he initiates sex and she is not in the mood, rather than have a quickie, he will happily wait until she too wants sex.
Knowing that he can almost always have a quickie and that she is happy to give him one, when she is not in the mood for more leisurely sex, he doesn’t feel in the slightest way rejected. This feeling that he will not be rejected is essential for a man to continue to be passionately attracted to his partner. Once this agreement is made and the man doesn’t feel rejected, it is still a great feeling for a man just to go for it sometimes without having to put on the brakes.
How to Safely Initiate Sex
Even When She’s Not in the Mood
By making quickies guilt-free a woman automatically supports a man in feeling free to initiate sex. These are some common phrases for initiating sex and common answers a woman can give instead of saying no.
1. He says, “I’m feeling really turned on to you. Let’s have sex.” |
She says, “I’m not in the mood for sex, but we could have a quickie.” |
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2. He says, “I’ve missed you. Let’s find some time to have sex.” |
She says, “Um, that sounds like a good idea. I don’t have a lot of time right now, but we could have a quickie.” |
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3. He says, “I have some time. Would you like to have sex?” |
She says, “We could have a quickie now and then maybe tomorrow we could schedule more time to have sex.” |
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4. He says, “Would you like to go upstairs and spend some intimate time together?” |
She says, “We could have a quickie. Maybe that will help me relax a little, and then we could talk.” |
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5. He says, “Let’s schedule some time today to make love.” |
She says, “Well, I’m not in the mood for a lot of foreplay, but a quickie would be nice. Sometimes I just want to feel you moving inside me even though I don’t feel like an orgasm.” |
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6. He says, “I’m feeling so turned on. I would love to have sex.” |
She says, “I would love that too. We don’t have much time, so why don’t we have a quickie?” |
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7. He says, “Let’s have sex tonight.” |
She says, “I’ve really got a bad headache. Maybe we could have sex tomorrow. I could give you a hand job right now.” |
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8. He says nothing but gently reaches over in bed and begins making the moves. |
She whispers, “Um, this feels good. Don’t worry about me tonight. Just go for it.” |
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9. They are having sex, he is touching her clitoris, and she realizes that she is not going to have an orgasm. |
She pulls his hand up and says, “Just come inside me. I just want to feel you in me. I love to feel your pleasure.” This is a code phrase for “You don’t have to pleasure me. A quickie is fine because tonight my body is not in the mood for an orgasm.” |
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10. He is spending a lot of time on foreplay, and she really isn’t in the mood for sex and just wants to feel close to him while he enjoys getting off. |
She can take his erect penis and put it inside her, saying, “Let’s have a quickie tonight.” |
Adding guilt-free quickies to your sex life provides an unexpected relief for both partners. Until a man experiences the freedom of never feeling the possibility of rejecttion, he won’t know how it has been affecting him and holding back his passions. Using these new communication skills also frees a woman from having to perform or fake orgasm at those times when she discovers that she just isn’t in the mood.
Why Men Stop Initiating Sex
Each time a man initiates sex and is rejected, he’s a little more hurt, his ego is a little more bruised. After being burned and spurned again and again, he hesitates to initiate sex and may even begin to lose touch with his desire to have sex. He may begin desiring other women who have not yet rejected him, or he may just lose interest. If he is attracted to other women, he may mistakenly assume that he is no longer attracted to his wife. If he just loses interest in sex, he thinks it is because he is getting older.
When a man feels repeatedly rejected in sex, he begins to lose touch with his desire to have sex. He may begin desiring other women who have not yet rejected him, or he may just lose interest.
In the beginning of a relationship, couples often have sex almost anytime they have the opportunity. Then as the practicalities of work and home come back into focus, naturally there is less sex. Then with children, they have to schedule time or wait for an available moment.
When a man tries to initiate sex by saying, “Let’s have sex,” quite commonly a woman will unknowingly give any of the following rejecting messages:
“I can’t right now. I need to make dinner.”
“I can’t right now. I have to return my calls.”
“I can’t. I have to go shopping.”
“I don’t have time.”
“I can’t. I already have too much to do.”
“I’m not in the mood right now.”
“This really isn’t a good time.”
“I have a headache.”
“I can’t think about sex right now.”
“I have my period and I’m feeling crampy.”
Each time this happens, a man will try to be understanding, but at a more primal emotional level, he finds it gets harder and harder to not feel rejected, and over time he may stop initiating sex. He may still want sex, but after being burned so often, he will hold back and wait for some clear sign from her that she is in the mood.
He may spend a lot of time trying to figure out when she seems open to sex, wondering, “Is this a good time to pursue?” Although he may not realize it consciously, every time he is in the mood and holds back from initiating sex, he ends up feeling more rejected.
All Is Not As It Seems
Jake and Annie had been married for seven years. After about the first three years, they started having marital problems and sought help. They had started out passionately attracted to each other, and then over time the passion was gone. In counseling, Annie told Jake, “I miss having more sex with you. Is it something I did? Are you upset with me?”
He seemed surprised. “It seems to me like I always want sex and you don’t. A lot of times when I want sex, I don’t say anything because I know you are not in the mood.”
She said, “How do you know if I am in the mood unless you ask?”
He said, “I can tell. I have been rejected enough.”
She said, “That’s really not fair. Sometimes if I am not; in the mood, just by you mentioning that you want sex, I may discover that I am in the mood. Even if I don’t feel in the mood right away, it helps me to move in that direction. I really appreciate when you initiate sex.”
After Jake and Annie learned about guilt-free quickies, the passion came back into their relationship.
Why Men Feel Rejected
When Annie and Jake talked about sexual rejection, she didn’t readily understand why he would feel so rejected if she was not in the mood. She felt that because she truly loved having sex with him, he shouldn’t feel rejected.
Intellectually, he agreed with that, but emotionally, it was very different. There are a variety of reasons that sexual rejection is one of the most sensitive and vulnerable areas for a man.
Biologically and hormonally, men are much more driven to be sexual than women are. Quite naturally, it is on their minds more of the time. Because a man is wanting it so much, he will feel rejected more of the time when he is not getting it.
Because a man is wanting sex so much, he will feel rejected more of the time when he is not getting it.
As we discussed before, it is primarily through sexual arousal that men begin to feel the most. A man’s heart begins to open as he is turned on. When a man is aroused and about to initiate sex, he is most vulnerable. It is then that he can most deeply feel the pain of rejection. If he is already feeling hurt and rejected by his partner, arousal will make him feel that pain again. He may feel aroused and begin to feel angry and not even know why.
If a man is already feeling hurt and rejected by his partner, arousal will make him feel that pain again. He may feel aroused and begin to feel angry and not even know why.
When a man doesn’t know how to avoid feeling rejected, it just increases his frustration and pain. As a result, he stops feeling attracted to his partner. If he doesn’t consciously know how to solve this problem, to avoid feeling rejected, he unconsciously stops feeling turned on to his partner. This loss of attraction is not a choice but an automatic reaction.
In some cases, his sexual attraction is directed elsewhere to a fantasy woman who will not reject him or to a woman whom he doesn’t care for. He is not risking a painful rejection if he doesn’t care for the woman. This explains why a man can be turned on to a stranger but lose his attraction to the woman he loves most.
Women Love Sex
Women love sex, but before they can feel their desire for it, they have more requirements than men. A man doesn’t readily understand this because throughout his life, he gets many messages that women don’t like sex. To sustain passion and attraction in a relationship over the years, a man needs clear messages that she loves sex with him.
To sustain passion and attraction in a relationship over the years, a man needs clear messages that she loves sex with him.
As a general rule, men peak in their sexual interest when they are seventeen or eighteen years old. A woman reaches her prime when she is thirty-six to thirty-eight years old. It is similar to the pattern that men and women experience during sex. The man gets excited very quickly with little foreplay—except the opportunity to have sex—while a woman requires more time. Quite naturally, he feels that women don’t like sex as much as he does.
His mother’s attitude about sex may also influence him. If, as an adolescent, he was afraid of having his mother find out about his growing interest in sex and girls, he might have gotten the message that it is not OK to want sex. Later in life when he is with a woman that he cares about, these subconscious feelings can begin to emerge as little voices or faint feelings saying, “I can’t be sexual around her or I will be rejected.”
These past experiences may not directly cause a man to lose interest, but they certainly make him more sensitive to feeling rejected when she seems disinterested in sex. When she is not in the mood, subconsciously he begins to feel, “I knew it. She doesn’t want to have sex.”
One of the ways to counteract this tendency is for a woman to give the man repeated subtle messages that she likes sex. Her acceptance of occasional quickies is the strongest message of support she can give. Another powerfully positive message is to be very supportive whenever he initiates sex.
A woman’s acceptance of occasional quickies and a positive message whenever her partner initiates sex ensures lasting attraction and passion.
How Men Unnecessarily Feel Rejected
Many times a woman is potentially in the mood for sex, but a man just doesn’t realize it. He ends up feeling rejected when she might really want to have sex.
Sometimes a man will ask her any of the following questions:
“Would you like to have sex?”
“Do you want to have sex?”
“Are you in the mood for sex?”
To any of these requests, if she responds, “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t know,” he will generally misunderstand and mistakenly hear rejection. He thinks she is politely saying no when she is really saying she doesn’t know. This is hard for men to understand, because men are like the sun and not like the moon. When a man is asked if he wants sex, he has a definite response. The sun is either up or down. He generally knows for certain if he wants to have sex.
When a woman is unsure about wanting sex, it means that she needs a little time, attention, and talking to find out. With this new awareness, a man can easily overcome his tendency to immediately feel rejected and give up his pursuit.
Is There a Part of You That Wants to Have Sex?
When a man’s partner seems uncertain about having sex, instead of giving up, he should say, “Is there a part of you that wants to have sex with me?”
Almost always she will say yes. He may be surprised sometimes by how quickly she will respond by saying, “Sure, a part of me always wants to have sex with you.” This will be music to his ears.
She may, however, then proceed to talk about all the reasons she doesn’t want to have sex. She might say, “I don’t know if we have enough time. I still have to do laundry and some errands.” Or she might say, “I’m not sure how I am feeling. I have so much on my mind right now. I feel like I should devote time to finishing this project.”
As she continues to talk, he should remind himself that she is not saying no. She just needs to talk, verbally sort things out, and then she can find her desire. Many times after sharing several reasons why she is not in the mood, she will then turn around and say, “Let’s do it.”
Without understanding how a woman is different, a man can easily feel turned off while she is talking about the reasons she doesn’t know if she wants to have sex. But as long as he hears that a part of her wants to have sex, it is much easier for him to hear about the parts of her that don’t want to have sex. Even if she finally discovers that she doesn’t want sex, she can say, “We could have a quickie if you want and then sometime soon we can have (more leisurely) sex.”
A woman can also use this insight. When a man wants to have sex and she is not sure, she can make it a lot easier for him to patiently discover with her what she would like. Let’s take an example:
He says, “Would you like to have sex?”
She says, “A part of me would love to have sex, but I’m not sure. I still have to buy groceries and then run some errands. I still haven’t…etc.”
Through first letting him know that a part of her wants to have sex, she makes it much easier for him to listen and accept the other reasons she may not be in the mood.
Is It Sex or Making Love?
Another way a man may get the message that his partner doesn’t like sex is if she never uses the word “sex.” Eric said, “I remember in one relationship, my partner refused to call sex, sex. She always wanted to call it ‘making love.’ When I called it ‘sex,’ she would say no and become a little judgmental. She didn’t even want me to use the term. I could understand that she liked the term ‘making love,’ but I felt shamed by her. Certainly, my heart and mind wanted to make love, but my body wanted sex. After awhile, I lost interest in sex with her. Eventually, we broke up.” This little semantics difference eventually created big problems.
When Eric went on to get involved with Trish, he noticed that she often used the term “making love” and not “sex.” Having already had some experience with this, he decided to clear things up right from the beginning.
Eric told Trish that he really liked calling sex, sex. He also told her that he understood that she liked the term “making love.” They made a deal that she would be happy for him to use the word “sex” as long as when they had sex they would “make love,” meaning that sex was always loving.
Occasionally, Trish would use the phrase “making love,” which was OK with Eric, but it was very validating to him when she referred to it as “sex.” Since they made their deal, when he uses the word “sex,” he feels assured that she is completely OK with it.
Eric said, “If I had to say ‘making love’ instead of ‘sex,’ it would make me feel like I was somehow trying to fool her, or that in some way I had to hide that I wanted sex.” Just this small difference in the way they referred to sex improved their sexual relationship.
Code Words for Sex
For some couples, the word “sex” has certain negative or painful connotations. If using the word “sex” is not comfortable, you can create secret code phrases. Even if the word “sex” is comfortable, you might like to do this anyway for fun.
One couple shared their code phrase with me in an interview. For them, the word “sailing” meant sex. Sometimes when the husband initiates sex, he says, “It’s a sunny day. Would you like to go sailing?”
When she initiates sex, she says, “The weather looks really good today. Maybe we should go…” and he says, “Sailing?” They both smile and are ready to have a good time.
If “sailing” is your code word, then for long gourmet sex, you could say, “How about going for a long cruise?”
When he initiates sex and she is not in the mood, she could suggest a quickie by saying, “Let’s use the speedboat instead.” Be creative. See what fun code words you can share together.
Sex and the Media
The media have a big effect on why men are so sensitive to rejection. A modern man is sensitive to feeling rejected sexually because each day he is bombarded with media advertisements featuring alluring sexual women whose bodies are saying, “Yes, I want you. I am ready for you. I long for you. I am yours. I want sex and more sex. Come and get me.”
While this message is very exciting to a man, when he is caught up in this fantasy world, or when he is in the real world and thinking about his fantasy, he feels as if he is the only one not having hot and passionate sex. Even if he is in a relationship, he may feel that something is wrong when his sexual partner doesn’t seem to be in the mood. The grass on the other side of the picture tube definitely seems greener.
A man does not realize that a woman really does want sex, but sometimes before she can feel her desires, she first needs his emotional support. When his partner doesn’t want sex as much as he does, he begins to feel as if he has to jump through hoops to get it. He feels at a disadvantage because she doesn’t want it as much.
She, however, does love sex but just needs to feel romanced and loved before her sexual needs can be just as strong as his. Sometimes awakening her sexual desires could be as simple as bringing home flowers for her or cleaning up the kitchen. (Don’t laugh, men—in my seminars, women always clap loudly at this point!)
A man does not realize that a woman really does want sex, but sometimes before she can feel her desires, she first needs his emotional support.
The irony of modern times is that sex is everywhere in the media, and yet more and more I hear women complaining that their husbands are not interested in sex. The more sex men see in the media, the more rejected they begin to feel at home, and the more they lose attraction for their partners. A man loses attraction not because his partner doesn’t measure up to the flawless silicone-breasted female bodies he sees on TV or in magazines, but because he feels sexually rejected and frustrated.
It is vitally important for women to understand that it is not primarily the bodies men are attracted to but the message that these women are definitely open to having sex. To keep a man attracted to her, a woman does not need to compete with the fantasy women of the media, and strive to create a perfect body. Instead, she needs to work toward communicating positive and nonrejecting messages about sex.
To keep a man attracted to her, a woman does not need to compete with the fantasy women of the media and strive to create a perfect body. Instead, she needs to work toward communicating positive and nonrejecting messages about sex.
Why Men Feel at a Disadvantage
Without this understanding of the differences between men and women’s sexual needs, a man feels at a disadvantage. He wants sex, but he feels that he has to convince the woman to want it as well.
He does not realize that she has a similar disadvantage. Women hunger for intimacy and good communication, and men don’t seem that interested. A woman can better understand a man’s sexual sensitivities by comparing them to her sensitivities about feelings, communication, and intimacy.
A woman can better understand a man’s sexual sensitivities by comparing them to her sensitivities about feelings, communication, and intimacy.
It is a painful experience when a woman wants to talk but feels repeatedly rejected. Women can readily relate to this sensitivity. Without an understanding of the differences between men and women and the use of advanced skills to create better communication, his emotional withdrawing into his cave can be very painful for her. After a while, she doesn’t even feel her needs to share and be open with him.
Just as a woman can apply new skills to draw her partner out of the cave (see my book What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell You & Your Father Didn’t Know), a man can apply skills to open a woman up to sex. When we understand our differences, we realize that we are not trying to convince our partners to love us more or have sex with us on our terms, but rather we are supporting our partners by applying advanced skills. By successfully loving them, we enable them to give us the love we need.
Without these skills, after three or four years couples automatically lose the strong physical attraction they felt in the beginning. In the next chapter, we will explore why couples today are having less sex.