Couples today are having much less sex than the media suggest. Yes, a lot of hungry men and women are out there wanting sex, but once they are married, after a few years other things become more important and sex is overlooked.
The primary reason for this loss of interest is that men feel rejected and women don’t feel romanced and understood in the relationship. A woman does not instinctively realize how sensitive a man is when she isn’t in the mood for sex. A man does not instinctively realize how much a woman needs romance and good communication to open up and feel in the mood.
The primary reason for loss of interest is that men feel rejected and women don’t feel romanced and understood in the relationship.
For men not to feel rejected, couples need to create free, positive, and easy communication about sex, particularly about initiating sex. When a man repeatedly gets the message and truly believes that his partner loves sex with him, his sexual desires can remain healthy and strong.
When a man repeatedly gets the message and truly believes that his partner loves sex with him, his sexual desires can remain healthy and strong.
When a woman feels a man is skilled in sex and he supports her in the relationship, her sexual desire can remain fresh. Good communication and loving support in the relationship, however, are most important for a woman. For a man, a good relationship is certainly important, but many times what makes the big difference is his sexual success with her.
When a woman feels a man is skilled in sex and he supports her in the relationship, her sexual desire can remain fresh.
Initiating Sex Versus Conversation
When a man is confident of his partner’s positive feelings about sex, he will generally keep initiating sex. If he feels that he is repeatedly rejected or that he has to convince her to have sex, he will stop initiating. Eventually, he will become sexually passive and less interested.
For a man to grow in passion, he needs to feel free to initiate sex. Just as a woman needs to feel that her partner will listen to her feelings in a positive way without rejecting her, a man needs to feel he can initiate sex without being rejected.
When a man is not in the mood for conversation, he needs to say so gracefully. He can say, “I want to understand your feelings, but first I need some time alone, and then we can talk.” When a man works to show he is interested in his partner’s feelings and cares enough to come back and initiate conversation, she feels loved.
In a similar way, when a woman is not in the mood for sex, but is careful to let him know that she loves sex with him, a man feels loved. When a woman is not in the mood, a man needs to hear that soon she will be back, ready and happy to have sex with him.
With this awareness, a woman automatically becomes more responsive to his sensitivity and is more motivated to find ways for him to feel free to initiate sex. Just as great communication opens a woman up to enjoy great sex, the possibility of great sex directly helps a man to be more loving in the relationship.
Just as great communication opens a woman up to enjoy great sex, the possibility of great sex directly helps a man to be more loving in the relationship.
When a Woman Wants More Sex
When a man doesn’t initiate sex because he might get burned by rejection, he has to wait for her. When he feels he always has to wait for his partner to initiate sex, he eventually loses his desire and doesn’t even know why. When this happens, the pendulum swings the other way, and he wants sex less than she does. Quite commonly, the woman begins to panic a bit.
She begins to miss sex and want it more. The more she wants it, however, the more he seems to lose his desire for it. Her desire for more becomes a message that he is not measuring up. Whatever desire he still has is quickly turned off.
Sex is a very delicate balance, and men are more vulnerable than women to an imbalance. If a man wants sex more than a woman does and can patiently persist in initiating sex respectfully, he will gradually win a woman over and sweep her off her feet, and automatically she will want to have sex.
When a woman consistently wants sex more than he does and expresses her unhappy feelings about it, a man can start to feel really turned off. He begins to feel as if he is obligated to have sex and has to perform for her.
Women already understand how performance pressure can numb their own arousal. With men, the effect of performance pressure is ten times greater.
A man cannot fake his arousal as a woman can. If he is not getting hard and erect, it is clear that he is not getting into it. A woman can easily hide her lack of arousal and pretend that everything is fine. A man cannot.
This increased sensitivity makes the pressure greater on a man. This greater pressure can immediately prevent him from getting aroused. If he feels he has to perform or become erect, nothing, and I mean nothing, happens down there.
Because a man cannot fake his arousal as a woman can, he feels a greater pressure to perform.
What She Can Do When He’s Not in the Mood
Many couples just give up at this point. The woman senses the embarrassment he feels and backs off. She doesn’t know what to do. If she talks about it, he feels blamed, and if she makes sexual moves, he just feels tired or not in the mood.
Fortunately, there are solutions to this problem. Just as a man can share a quickie with his partner when she is not in the mood for sex, a woman can apply certain skills when her partner is not in the mood.
Just as a man can share a quickie with his partner when she is not in the mood for sex, a woman can apply certain skills when her partner is not in the mood.
At one point in their relationship, David and Sue found that she began to want sex a lot more than he did. Sue was frequently in the mood, and David happily responded when she initiated sex. For several weeks, everything worked great. They had sex several times a week and sometimes twice a day. Eventually, though, David began to wear out. This was a new experience for him. He had never felt a woman wanting it more than he did.
At first, he didn’t know how to say no and would go ahead and have sex even if he didn’t want to. This was not a good idea. Quite quickly, he began to feel pressure to perform. Sex was no longer fun. It was some kind of duty or obligation, and that just didn’t feel good. To prevent feeling that way again, he decided he would have to say no.
It still wasn’t clear to him how he could say no without rejecting Sue or hurting her feelings. When he came home from the office one evening, she cuddled up next to him on the couch while he was watching the news. After a few minutes, she started to gently stroke his thighs.
Trying not to be rude, he put his hand on hers to stop her movement and said, “I am so tired tonight. I really need to watch the news.” Then, not wanting to sound too rejecting, he added without thinking, “Why don’t you go upstairs and start, and then I’ll join you later?”
David went back to watching TV and gradually forgot all about the exchange. He was tired and about ready to fall asleep when, forty-five minutes later, he heard a little voice from upstairs saying, “David, I’m ready.”
It was like a miracle. Suddenly, from the waist down he was immediately awake. He said, “I’ll be right up!”
When he got into bed, Sue was already prepared for an orgasm because she’d just spent the last forty-five minutes becoming more and more aroused, fantasizing about David making love to her while she caressed herself. It was no wonder that after about two minutes of penetration, she had an orgasm. A few seconds later, he had his. She was happy getting the sex she wanted, and it was a heavenly experience for David, even better than a quickie, because he didn’t have to perform in any way and he still got to do the honors and give her an orgasm.
Taking Responsibility for Our Own Pleasure
Instead of resenting that David was not in the mood, Sue just took responsibility for satisfying herself. This sense of responsibility is very healthy. Ideally, in all areas of a relationship, we should not make our partners responsible for our unhappiness, but particularly with sex it is very hard to satisfy our sexual needs without betraying our partners. This is why masturbation is so important.
Sue’s creativity freed her from feeling dependent on David when he couldn’t be there for her the way she would have preferred. She made the best of the situation and got into bed and imagined him making love to her. Taking a long time to touch herself in a sensual way and masturbate herself, she slowly built up her sexual tension so that when he entered her, she was already about to have an orgasm.
Afterward, he told her how much fun it was for him and that any time he was not in the mood, this was a great way to turn him on. This little conversation gave her permission to be much freer in her sexual expression and also ensured that she could have sex whenever she wanted it.
If a man is tired and not in the mood for sex, and she acts as if everything is fine, he really appreciates her easy acceptance. Otherwise, he might begin to feel the weight of performance pressure. If she wants an orgasm and he’s not in the mood, as he drifts off to sleep, she can just get into bed and begin to touch herself sensually and masturbate herself.
After about twenty minutes, she can then turn on her side and gently but firmly rub up against his side. When he wakes up feeling her wet vagina pressing on him, he can then move over to do the honors. In this way, they will both be happy. She never has to feel as if she can’t get the sexual fulfillment she is looking for. This is why it’s good for her to masturbate when he’s around instead of just when she is alone.
If her partner travels a lot, she may occasionally want to masturbate while he is away. Knowing she can’t wait may even turn him on more. Maybe he’ll even start shortening his trips. I strongly recommend that couples should let each other know when they are masturbating so the partner can at least have the opportunity to join in.
Couples should let each other know when they are masturbating so the partner can at least have the opportunity to join in.
Getting Back to Sex
Many times when a couple stops having sex, it is hard to get back to it. The interruption could be a due to sickness, an argument, or a particularly stressful period of time, but after a couple loses the rhythm of sex, they may have a hard time getting back into the swing of things. It can be difficult to start again when you haven’t had sex in a long while. If you use advanced skills, it won’t be difficult to get back into the rhythm.
Jim had been out of work for several months and was feeling rather depressed. Julie, his wife of thirteen years, was frustrated not only that he was in his cave all the time, but also because they weren’t having sex. Understanding his need for space, she worked hard at being very patient. Eventually, he got a new job and started feeling much better. Everything got better—except there was no sex.
I gave them a new approach to having sex again. I recommended that when she wanted sex, she say to him something along these lines: “I have been feeling really turned on today, and I can see that you’re really tired. It’s OK if you don’t want to have sex, but I thought I would masturbate thinking about you. As I get closer to having an orgasm, if you want to join in at any time, that will be fine with me. If you don’t feel like it, that’s OK too.”
The next day, Julie called me and left a happy message on my machine. After many thanks, she said the new approach had worked like a charm. Jim also was very grateful. Sometimes it just takes one good experience, and a man is back in the saddle. There is no better aphrodisiac than sex itself. The easier it is to have sex, the more you want it.
The Indirect Approach
Another secret for helping a man shift gears from not being interested in sex to feeling arousal is for a woman to be clear but indirect in her approach. Once you ask a man if he wants to have sex and he says no, it is much harder for him to shift and change his mind. As we have discussed, for women it is just the opposite. When you give her a chance to say no and talk about her feelings, she may start to become aroused and discover that she has changed her mind and does want sex.
Men tend to be very different. Once a man verbally says he doesn’t want to have sex, to a certain extent it is written in stone. If she persists in her attempts to initiate sex, he feels controlled or pressured to perform.
Once a man verbally says he doesn’t want to have sex, to a certain extent it is written in stone. If she persists in her attempts to initiate sex, he feels controlled or pressured to perform.
If, however, she can initiate sex in an indirect manner, he has time to silently overcome any resistance to having sex and possibly become aroused. To initiate sex in an indirect manner, a woman can develop various sexual signals. Even if he is in the mood and doesn’t need time to gradually become aroused, he will still appreciate her signals, because they make it so much easier for him to initiate sex.
While these particular messages are very personal and may vary among women, here are some ways women can send sexual messages, particularly through what they wear to bed. The interpretations I give seem to be true for many, but, of course, every woman is ultimately unique and special.
BLACK LACE OR GARTERS
Wearing black lace or garters is one very clear signal that she wants sex. A revealing silky black outfit says she knows what she wants, and what she wants is hot, lusty, and intense sex; not only does she want sex but she longs for it.
WHITE SILKY SATIN
When she wears white silky satin, she signals that she would like sensitive, gentle, and loving sex. It is as though she is a virgin and wants him to go slow and be tenderly affectionate with her.
SILKY PINK OR LACE
When she wears silky pink or lace, she is ready to surrender to sex as a romantic expression of loving vulnerability and eventually wild abandon. She wants to feel his strength and surrender to his love. There is a deeper passion within her waiting to be drawn out that just needs to be ignited by his passionate longing and devotion to her.
SENSUOUS PERFUMES AND EXOTIC SMELLS
When she wears certain perfumes, she may want to be breathed in and savored in a sensuous way. For many men, a woman’s sensuous perfumes and exotic smells can make sex much more lustful. He must be careful to control his passions and proceed slowly in sex, savoring each stage, occasionally pausing and repeating his previous actions before moving on to the next way of stimulating and pleasuring her.
BLACK BRA AND BLACK PANTIES
When she wears a black bra and black panties, she wants to be seductive, arousing, and more aggressive than usual. Although she begins strong, inside she wants him to dance with her but eventually end up on top and in control of his passions as she lets go and surrenders to his love.
A SHORT AND LOOSE NIGHTGOWN WITH NO PANTIES
When she wears a short feminine cotton T-shirt and matching panties or a short and loose nightgown with no panties, it may mean she doesn’t need a lot of foreplay tonight and she may or may not be in the mood for an orgasm. Maybe she just wants to feel him moving inside her through intercourse and is happy and satisfied by feeling his orgasm inside her.
GETTING INTO BED NAKED
When she gets into bed naked, after he initiates sex, she is open to discovering what kind of sex she is in the mood for, or she is simply open to whatever happens.
EARRINGS AND JEWELRY
When she wears earrings and other jewelry to bed, she feels beautiful and wants to be adored with lots of kisses. It may mean she wants very leisurely and sensual sex. He should remember to express verbally how beautiful she is many times.
OLD COTTON FLANNELS
When she wears old cotton flannels, clearly she is not in the mood! This is a particularly good time for cuddling. He can simply move closer and be physically affectionate and loving without becoming sexual.
Dressing for Sex
Through expressing her sexual feelings and moods in her dress, a woman greatly assists a man in feeling sexually wanted and welcomed. The messages listed above certainly are not exact for every woman, but they do provide a reference point for men to begin reading a woman’s sexual signals. These examples may also assist women in becoming more conscious of the importance of dressing for sex in a way that is pleasing to him, but it must be pleasing and comfortable to her as well.
I personally became more aware of the messages my wife was sending me through the way she dressed for bed after a certain incident. After being affectionate for some time in bed, she got up, saying that she wanted to change. As she walked to the closet, I said, “Why bother changing? I am just going to take it off.” She responded with a smile, “Yes, but I want you to take off the right outfit. This one really doesn’t express how I feel today.” From that point on, I become much more observant of what she wore and how it expressed her feelings and wishes in sex.
More Sexual Signals
There are many more ways a woman can signal to a man that she is in the mood for sex without being too direct. Let’s explore a few easy examples of how some women give their husbands a clear but indirect message when they are in the mood and open to sex.
Some of these messages may work for you, while others won’t. Pick and choose as if you were in a store trying on outfits. They may even give you ideas to create your own messages as well.
RELAXING BATHS
Mary takes a long bath to let her partner, Bill, know she’s in the mood. She brings in the portable CD player and plays the music that best fits her mood. Soft and gentle music means soft and gentle sex. Hard rock means she is in the mood for intense sex. Music with lots of drumbeats means she feels really sexy and wants it to last a long time.
CANDLES
Susan lights a candle by the bed or some incense when she is in the mood. Rachel lights candles for dinner when she is in the mood.
CHOCOLATES
When Sharon asks Tim to buy her a chocolate bar at the movies, he knows, “Tonight’s the night.” His wife tends to crave chocolate at those times when her body is desiring a big orgasm.
BUILDING FIRES
When she is in the mood, Carol lights a fire in the bedroom fireplace or asks her husband to build one. When he is building it, she sits and watches him and clearly lets him know how much she appreciates his taking the time.
STAYING UP
Usually when Grant arrives home late from a trip, Theresa has already gone to bed. Sometimes, however, she will stay up for him and be reading in bed when he gets home. If she clearly puts away her book when he walks into the room, he knows that she is in the mood.
MAKING HIS FAVORITE DINNER
Karen makes her husband’s favorite salmon dinner with mashed potatoes when she is in the mood.
PISTACHIO NUTS
After a conversation during which Tom told Joyce that fresh pistachio nuts worked on him like an aphrodisiac, Joyce lets him know she is in the mood by bringing home fresh pistachio nuts from the market. Sometimes she just leaves them out on the table early in the day. This gives him a lot of time to get turned on thinking about what a great time they are going to have.
SPECIAL WINES
Margaret brings out a special wine that she and her husband really love. Sometimes she asks him to buy a bottle of it on his way home from work.
SNUGGLING
When Cheryl snuggles up to her husband while they are walking, he gets a clear message that she’s in the mood.
THREE KISSES
When Maggie gives her husband a hello kiss, if she is in the mood, she will give him another two kisses. Three little kisses in a row, and he begins to feel the tingle that she is in the mood.
FOOT MASSAGE
Evelyn asks her husband for a foot massage when she is in the mood. Leslie signals that she is in the mood by offering to give her partner a foot massage. Either approach works.
Putting Up the Flag
My favorite example of sexual signals came from a movie I watched about a Mongolian family. When the wife was in the mood for sex, she would put out a flag. When her husband came home, he would see the flag and know that she was in the mood. He would then race to get his flag and hoop while she got on her horse and rode away. He would then get on his horse and chase after her, lasso her with his hoop, pull her off her horse, and wrestle with her. Then they would have sex. This little ritual definitely made for passionate sex. With her indirect but clearly stated permission, he would pursue her and take her. Although clearly in control, she could feel as if she were being pursued and eventually surrender herself in sexual passion and ecstasy.
Positioning for Sex
Even where a woman gets undressed and ready for bed can be a very clear signal. If she undresses discreetly in front of her closet, she is generally not in the mood. But if she lays out her nightclothes on his side of the bed and undresses on his side of the bed so that he can clearly see her, it can be a definite message that she is in the mood.
When a woman positions herself to have sex by undressing in front of him, she may or may not get a response. If he is not in the mood, she is successfully preparing him to be aroused the next time.
If he is tired, instead of having to say, “I’m not in the mood” (which can be awkward for many men), he can just turn his head away into his pillow and let out a sigh, saying, “Ahhh, I am so glad to get into bed. I am so tired.” This is a clear message that he is not in the mood.
She is spared from directly being rejected, and he is spared from having to say he doesn’t want to have sex. The last thing he wants is for her to interrogate him with a series of questions expressing her concern.
When Questions Are a Turnoff
Asking a man a series of questions about why he is not in the mood is not only an immediate turnoff, but can prevent him from being in the mood in the future. These are some questions not to ask if he doesn’t respond to your sexually inviting signals.
“What’s wrong?”
“Don’t you want to have to sex with me anymore?”
“You used to always want sex.”
“Do you think I am getting fat?”
“Are you still attracted to me?”
“Aren’t you turned on to me?”
“Do you still love me?”
“Maybe we should talk about it.”
“Maybe we should get some help.”
“Are we ever going to have sex again?”
“You were looking at other women tonight. Don’t you want to be with me anymore?”
“Would you rather be with someone else?”
“Did I do something to turn you off?”
“Why don’t you want to have sex?”
“What’s the matter, is something wrong?”
Certainly there may be appropriate times she can ask these questions, but they are definitely not recommended when she has just undressed in front of him and he is tired and turning away from her. Instead, she should respond at this most sensitive moment as if everything is fine and OK. This is not the time for her to seek his reassurance.
By being neutral and indirect, she can more successfully maintain the nondemanding message that she is welcoming him if he happens to be in the mood.
If he is not in the mood, she can go to bed knowing that they will have sex soon. If, however, she is really in the mood, she can just masturbate herself. It is very important that a man support a woman’s need to masturbate so that she doesn’t ever feel deprived of having an orgasm if her body happens to be wanting one when he is not in the mood.
This mutual understanding works like a charm. If he knows he is welcome to join in at any time or simply go to sleep, he will tend to wait till she is almost about to have her orgasm and then join in. This method works because there is no pressure on him.
After hearing about this approach, a man may decide to reassure his partner that it’s fine with him if she wakes him up and includes him right before she is about to have her orgasm.
When Men Stop Initiating Sex
One of the major reasons a couple stops having sex is that a man stops initiating sex or a woman initiates sex too much. When a woman does all the initiating, not only does she gradually become frustrated, but after a while a man will begin to lose interest in sex with her.
Women generally do not understand that if they pursue a man more than he pursues her, the man will eventually become more passive. A little pursuing energy is fine to let him know when it is a good time for him to pursue her, but when she does it all, he loses interest and doesn’t even know why.
When a woman feels too responsible for initiating sex, a man slowly begins to feel less motivated. When she expresses her masculine pursuing side, he moves too far to his feminine receptive side. This imbalance slowly erodes the passion in a marriage.
Quite commonly, he doesn’t even know what happened to his passionate feelings for his partner, and he may even mistakenly assume that he simply is no longer attracted to her. When a women initiates sex in an indirect manner, as I have pointed out, she ensures that her partner can find his masculine side that desires her and seeks to pursue her.
When a women initiates sex in an indirect manner, she ensures that her partner can find his masculine side that desires her and seeks to pursue her.
Most men have no idea that too much assertiveness and sexual aggression on her part can eventually turn him off. Some men like a woman’s assertiveness very much at first but then have no idea why they are no longer attracted to her or suddenly find other women more attractive. In the beginning, a sexually assertive woman may feel great for him because he feels relieved that he doesn’t have to risk rejection, but over time, his passion will lessen.
Women commonly complain that they don’t want to always initiate sex. My suggestion is that instead of initiating sex, a woman can focus on giving a man the message that it is safe for him to initiate sex.
Instead of initiating sex, a woman can focus on giving a man the message that it is safe for him to initiate sex.
There is no problem with a woman initiating sex some of the time. It becomes a problem when she initiates sex more of the time. Gradually, he will initiate sex less and lose interest.
When Women Aren’t Interested in Sex
Men feel discouraged when they feel that their wives don’t seem to make sex as important as they do. Without consistent clear messages from her that she enjoys sex, he may lose his attraction to her. Suddenly, women he doesn’t know, who haven’t yet rejected him, become more attractive.
Historically, men have been much more sexually active outside a marriage than women. Without good communication and romantic skills, couples lose a great degree of their sexual interest in each other. While women might have sought fulfillment in their fantasies, men acted out their frustrated feelings and fantasies through having affairs.
In the past, women could more easily give up the need for sex in favor of the routine requirements of creating a home and family. The survival of the family was more important than the fulfillment of sexual passions. Sexual fulfillment was a luxury women couldn’t afford. Men coped with the lessening of women’s sexual interest by discreetly finding sex elsewhere.
Unfortunately, as soon as a man directs his energies elsewhere, it is much harder for his partner to feel emotionally fulfilled enough to direct her sexual passions toward him. As a result, the family unit was preserved, but romance was lost.
The major reason men would resort to affairs is that they did not understand that they had the power to reawaken their partner’s sexuality.
The major reason men would resort to affairs is that they did not understand that they had the power to reawaken their partner’s sexuality. They did not have the skills that we can now apply. With a deeper understanding of the opposite sex, we can now rekindle the flame of passion even when it has blown out. In the next chapter, we will explore how to rekindle the passion in a relationship.