Many times a couple may feel sexually attracted to each other during the day when they’re apart, but when they get home, they lose the feeling. For example, a husband at work may miss his wife and feel aroused, but when he gets home, he loses the attraction. A woman may feel as if she also wants more romance, but when she gets home, the feeling is gone.
This occurrence may be due to a variety of reasons. It could simply be that the domestic responsibilities of managing the home or children overshadow the romantic feelings. Too much routine can lessen the passion.
It may also be that some little unresolved feelings linger after an uncomfortable conversation or argument. To a great extent, the issue may have been resolved, but it wasn’t resolved in an ideal way. The disagreement is easily forgotten outside the home, but when the couple is at home, it comes back in a vague way, and suddenly the attraction is gone. When you rekindle the passion in your relationship, the love shared while having sex can wash away these little stains and smooth out rough edges.
Although as a general rule of thumb the relationship comes first before sex can be enjoyed, sometimes having loving sex can dramatically improve the relationship. A woman’s openness to having sex can open up a man’s love for her. Sometimes even if she is feeling cold, having sex with him and feeling his love for her in sex can open her up again.
Although as a general rule of thumb the relationship comes first before sex can be enjoyed, sometimes having loving sex can dramatically improve the relationship.
Perhaps the partners are simply out of the habit of having sex regularly. Outside the home, they are free to feel their sexual desires, but in the home, the old routine of not having sex takes over. Once sex gets put on a back burner, it becomes harder to bring back without advanced relationship skills. With a greater awareness of what skills are needed, even when the passion is gone, it is often very easy to rekindle.
Romantic Getaways
One of the simplest and most powerful ways to rekindle passion is to get out of the house on a romantic getaway. Spend the night at a hotel. Enjoy a change of scenery. Get away from the routine and familiar. Temporarily leave all domestic responsibilities behind. The more beautiful the new environment is, the better.
Try to get away at least one night once a month. If you can’t visit a vacation spot or a neighboring town, go to a local hotel. Sometimes just getting into a different bed can do the trick.
Women particularly often need a change of environment to be aroused. This change frees the woman from feeling responsible for the family and the home. When the environment is beautiful, it awakens her to her inner beauty.
Women particularly often need a change of environment to be aroused.
When to Get Away
Quite commonly, a man will make the mistake of waiting until his partner gives clear messages that she wants sex before he plans a little getaway. This is a big mistake. The getaway helps her to get in the mood. If he waits for her to feel sexy before planning a getaway, then he may just wait and wait, and things will just get worse.
If, for a long time, a woman has not been able to get away and feel free to be romantic and sexual, her mood may become increasing asexual. To reignite the passion and to feel like a beautiful and loved woman, she needs to get away from the daily responsibilities and routine. Just by scheduling the getaway, it may begin to bring back her romantic feelings.
A man needs to remember that sometimes before a woman can feel romantic, she needs to talk. If it is a long drive to the vacation spot, she can talk the whole way. Women particularly need to talk to let go of stress and leave it behind.
After this kind of long drive in which she can unwind, she’s likely to arrive at your vacation spot and your new bedroom in a great mood. Suddenly, a whole new feeling emerges that could not have come up at home. She might want sex right away, or she might want to go for a walk or enjoy eating out. But once she starts feeling taken care of, she can stop feeling as if she has to take care of others. In this way, her inner passions are awakened.
Another way to help her relax is to take her shopping, if that is something she enjoys. Although this can be very tiring for men, most women’s stores now have chairs for a man to sit in while she tries on outfits. Just the act of exploring a store and gently reflecting on what she likes and what she wants helps her to shift from being concerned about others to feeling her own needs. Even if she doesn’t buy anything she can still be happy.
A woman directly benefits from the process of exploring what she wants. This helps her understand her likes, wishes, and desires, and directly prepares her for experiencing intense sexual passion and desire. A little shopping can greatly add to the joys of getting away.
If she is enjoying herself and appreciating everything, a man will probably be easily aroused as well. When she enjoys the new environment, an emotional part of him takes credit for her happiness. This feeling of success can awaken his feelings of arousal. Leaving their problems behind in this way, they can enjoy each other more fully.
While spontaneous getaways can rekindle the romantic spirit, sometimes we are just too busy or responsible to others to get away easily. When getaways are scheduled, a woman can stay more in touch with her sexual desires. That part of her can look forward with certainty to being fulfilled.
Writing a Sex Letter
Another secret for bringing back sexual feelings is to write a sex letter to your partner. If you find that when you are away from your partner, you are getting turned on, but when you are home you are not turned on, practice writing down your sexual feelings when they arise. As I mentioned, domestic stresses can easily overshadow and lessen sexual feelings. The sexual feelings may be inside us, but they need a little extra help to come out in the home.
When you are away from your partner, feel your aroused mood and imagine a romantic scene acting out those sexual feelings with your partner. In a letter to your partner, describe what you want to do and then describe the scene and your feelings as if it is really happening. Here is an example of a letter from a man to his wife.
Dear———,
I really miss you. I feel really turned on, and I can’t wait to see and touch you. I love touching your beautiful naked body. Your graceful curves and beautiful breasts drive me wild with pleasure and longing. I love to hold and suck on your erect nipples.
Right now, I am imagining holding you in my arms. I feel the warm softness of your body pressed against mine. I love holding you tight to me. I breathe in your sweet smells, and my love for you increases. I kiss your sweet lips, and my whole body tingles. Gradually, we kiss harder, and then you open your lips to me. My tongue enters your mouth, and your wetness arouses me more.
I hold your head in my hands, and I stroke your beautiful hair. I love to explore your body with my fingers, knowing how aroused you are getting. I love to feel your fingers tracing over my body. Just as you give me such great pleasure with your every touch, I know you are enjoying my touch.
I love taking off your bra and feeling the softness of your breasts and the hardness of your nipples. I know you are wanting me as I am wanting you. I surrender my love to you in response. You are all I want. I am consumed in my passion to unite with you, to be close to you, to enter your warm and wet vagina.
As my fingers first touch your wet vagina, more excitement surges through my body. Slowly and rhythmically, I began to circle around and around till I begin to gently stroke your clitoris. With an ever-increasing pace, as you begin to pant I increase the speed and pressure.
I can feel you reaching for more of me as I long to unite with you more deeply. After touching you everywhere, I hear your breathing change and your sweet responsive sounds. My hard and fully erect penis longing to enter you is finally relieved. What heavenly bliss to enter your sacred chamber, what love fills my heart, what passion builds within me. I begin to slowly move deeper.
Time stands still. At last we are connected. As I gently push through and fill you up, I hear your loud cry and feel you surrender to my presence. I continue to move in and out, in and out, my penis getting harder and harder. Every movement in soothes the more delicate fibers of my soul. I feel as if I want to burst, and then my pressure is momentarily relieved with your delicious moans of pleasure.
Together we rise in feelings of love, pleasure, and ecstasy. All of my love goes to you as you begin to climax. Your panting moans of pleasure reach their peak, and a lightning bolt of orgasmic pleasure explodes within me as I come to you. As we sink into blissful union, clinging to each other, our naked bodies entwined together, I am at peace. My life is at peace, and I feel once again whole and complete. I thank God for you and the special gift it is to love and be loved by you.
As we lie together, I gently stroke your hair and look into your beautiful eyes. I say, “That was wonderful,” and you give me a sweet smile. Once again, I am reminded of how lucky I am.
I love you always,
(Sign your name)
When You Are Not a Writer
Of course, many people are not writers, and expressing these delicate sentiments may be difficult. That does not mean the feelings don’t exist; it just means that you are not gifted in expressing them in words. Women particularly love to hear these emotions in words. That is one reason women spend billions of dollars buying romance novels.
A man who has difficulty verbalizing his passion might want to buy a greeting card that poetically expresses how he feels. It is perfectly normal to have loving feelings and not know how to articulate them and do justice to them. Picking the right card to express your feelings is just as good as writing the words yourself.
Picking the right card to express your feelings is just as good as writing the words yourself.
This same principle holds true with sex letters. Feel free to borrow many of the words and expressions from the above sex letter or from romance novels to get yours going. It is more important to capture your feelings and express them in words than to be original.
After you have written your sex letter, tell your partner you have a special letter to share. Schedule some special time—at least forty-five minutes without any interruptions—so that you can read the letter or your partner can read it (either aloud or silently). Quite automatically, those feelings will come back as the letter is read, and you can then enjoy great sex again.
This technique has helped me and my wife many times to rekindle our sexual feelings for each other. I did not realize how important it was to Bonnie until once she shared with me that she kept these letters in a very special spot, and when she didn’t feel loved by me, she would bring them out and read them again.
Sexual letters are not only good for getting sex going but can also help your partner understand how you feel when you are having sex. Without these letters, Bonnie would have never known so definitely the depth of my passion for her during great sex.
Phone Sex
If a couple is physically separated, with one partner away on a business trip, or if two people are carrying on a long distance relationship, they may get very horny and want to masturbate. Sometimes an empty hotel room or bedroom can be very lonely, and strong sexual feelings come up. Instead of just releasing the sexual tension by masturbating, why not call your partner and have telephone sex?
This is very similar to writing a sex letter. First tell your partner how turned on you are and how much you wish he or she were there. Ask your partner to touch himself or herself, with eyes closed, as if you were doing the touching. As you touch yourself, imagine your partner touching you. Take turns talking and responding. Describe occasionally how you feel and what you imagine your partner is doing to you or you are doing to your partner.
Eventually, in this way a couple can get to imagining intercourse, and with the help of a little lubricant such as KY jelly (the hand lotion that hotels always provide will do nicely) they can masturbate together and have orgasms.
Although this isn’t the same as great sex, it is definitely close to it. Just be sure you aren’t talking on a cellular phone, which can transmit over some radios. This is your private moment, not the neighbors’!
In the Middle of the Night
A combination of great sex and the quickie is doing it in the middle of the night. It is a wonderful feeling for a man to have his wife wake him up in the middle of the night by pressing her warm and wet vagina against his leg as she presses her bare breasts against his chest.
A woman who is feeling in the mood might want to take twenty to thirty minutes touching herself and masturbating herself until she is almost about to have an orgasm, then move over to his side of the bed and climb onto him. He’ll find this a particularly wonderful way to wake up.
Since he only needs a few minutes to be aroused and she has taken twenty minutes to stimulate herself, they both get to have an orgasm. If a man wants sex with his partner in the middle of the night, however, it is not the same, because she doesn’t wake up ready to go in a few minutes.
It is, however, an incredibly liberating experience for him to feel free sometimes to reach over and have sex with her. This kind of freedom is wonderful, but certain conditions need to be met first. There must be openness to regular sex and regular loving communication before you try this technique.
He needs to ask her at another time if she is open to being awakened. She may not want to be awakened unless she is on vacation and is very rested or can sleep late.
Even with her consent, when a man wakes up his partner, he must be less aggressive about it than she would be in waking him up. If he is horny in the night, he can gently begin to move over to his wife, slowly touching her, holding her and rubbing against her. If she opens herself to him, it is OK, but she must also feel that it is also perfectly OK for her to say, “Not tonight.”
If a man can hear, “Not tonight” without feeling rejected, it is safe for her to say it. If she doesn’t feel safe to say no to sex, she automatically loses her ability to really say yes to sex. There is no greater way to lessen sexual attraction than to have sex when you don’t want to.
If a woman doesn’t feel safe to say no to sex, she automatically loses her ability to really say yes to sex.
Through respecting each other’s unique sexual needs, both partners can give and receive the support they need. In the next chapter, we will explore an approach to sex that ensures that both partners are always satisfied.