Another secret for great sex and keeping the passion alive is understanding and working with our different sexual polarities. Just as the negative pole of a magnet strongly attracts the positive pole of another magnet, by expressing our opposite sexual polarities, we can increase attraction, desire, and pleasure.
There are two sexual polarities, giving pleasure and receiving pleasure. When one partner is giving and the other partner is receiving, the sexual pleasure can easily build. In polarity sex, partners take turns consciously using these polarities to increase desire and pleasure. One partner gives while the other receives. Then, later on, they switch, and the giver stops giving and just receives.
Polarity sex has two stages. In the first stage, the man takes and the woman gives. Then, in the second stage, he attends to her needs while she relaxes and focuses on receiving.
While practicing the first stage of polarity sex, the man starts out receiving. He is not primarily concerned with spending a lot of time providing her with pleasure. Certainly, he wants her to enjoy it, but he is really focused on his own pleasure. Likewise, she is not expecting herself to get turned on right away and keep up with him.
In the second stage, it is her turn to receive while he focuses on giving. She has done all her giving, and now she can just receive. In this way, both people eventually get everything they want.
Developing Polarity Sex
I first developed the idea of polarity sex because I know a man doesn’t always want to take a long time giving his sexual partner the foreplay she may need to have an orgasm. It is not that he doesn’t care about her pleasure, just that his body wants to get on with it and get to intercourse and then orgasm. This difference in time needed for foreplay sometimes creates a big problem.
Going for it without giving her the foreplay she needs only builds resentment on her part. Yet waiting for her might create frustration for him. If he just goes for it, after his orgasm his energy will be spent, and his partner will be left with very little of what she needs. After a while, he’ll stop wanting sex because he doesn’t want to take the time for foreplay. Sometimes a man is just tired at the end of the day and doesn’t have the patience. The thought of having to do all that foreplay can be a turnoff.
In a similar way, many times a woman doesn’t want to have sex because she doesn’t want her partner to be frustrated as he tries to quickly get her off. For the thought of sex to be a welcome idea, a woman needs to feel that she doesn’t have to get turned on right way. She doesn’t always know how long it will take or if it will even happen that time.
For the thought of sex to be a welcome idea, a woman needs to feel that she doesn’t have to get turned on right way. Polarity sex is the solution to this problem.
Polarity sex is the solution to this problem, and as we will see, it has many other advantages as well. Instead of feeling frustrated that he has to wait for his partner’s sexual pleasure to build up, a man can at first just go for it and do whatever turns him on. Then, before he is about to have an orgasm, he should stop and start over to give her all the foreplay she needs to build up her desire. Then, after giving her an orgasm, he can easily have his.
Practicing Polarity Sex
Polarity sex often starts with the man feeling aroused and aggressive about releasing his sexual tension, and the woman simply enjoying his arousal. He may hold his lover, kiss her, touch her, rub her, undress her, and become increasingly excited by her. She might just lie there enjoying being so desirable to him, or she might begin to touch him in ways that excite him.
She does not feel that she has to match his level of excitement. Instead, she just supports him in being excited. She can get involved in stimulating him, particularly by touching, holding, rubbing, squeezing, and stroking his penis, and perhaps by doing oral sex on him. All this is to build up the man’s sexual excitement. In a very clear way, he is receiving or taking pleasure, and she is giving it to him.
After about five minutes, as his excitement begins to peak and he can tell that orgasm is approaching, he signals for her to stop stimulating him. He might signal that he is getting close to an orgasm by making a strong sound like “ooohhh” or taking a deep breath, relaxing on the exhale and gently pulling away from her touch to change positions.
To signal that he is ready to switch the polarity, he can simply move her hands back and place them over her shoulders. In addition, he may also gently switch sides of the bed.
Each of these signals says clearly to her that now he is ready to give back all the pleasure she has given him. She can relax and begin to focus on her body and her pleasure as he slowly begins to arouse her body. Although he might only need two or three minutes of stimulation, he needs to remind himself that she needs twenty to thirty minutes.
Although a man might only need two or three minutes of stimulation to approach orgasm, he needs to remind himself that a woman needs twenty to thirty minutes.
Shifting the Polarity
In the beginning, it may be hard for him to stop and shift polarities by moving to stage two. He might get so excited that he will just go for it. This particularly happens when she gives him oral sex or they are having intercourse in stage one. By understanding her need for him to be aroused when she has her orgasm, he can find the control he needs.
By understanding her need for him to be aroused when she has her orgasm, he can find the control he needs.
Women and men are biologically wired to have a different experience after orgasm. After a woman has an orgasm, she is still aroused and can enjoy penetration even more. After her orgasm, her pleasure hormones* stay at a very high level. After his orgasm, a man generally loses his arousal and erection quickly. When he is done, he is done. His pleasure hormones to a great extent dissipate and disappear.
If he comes first, his energy is not there for her when she is ready to have an orgasm. If she has her orgasm first, not only is she still sexually aroused, but she can enjoy his orgasm more.
Timing Orgasms: Ladies first
Many times couples will try to schedule their orgasms to occur at the same time. This kind of timing can actually make sex less fulfilling. It is very distracting for a woman to be concerned about when she is going to have an orgasm. It is best for her to feel free to discover it when it comes without having to adjust herself and try to control it. After she’s had her orgasm, he can then have his right away or wait a little.
When a man and woman come together, both individuals are so absorbed with their intense pleasure that in a way the partner is momentarily gone, and the intimacy suddenly disappears.
When a man and woman come to orgasm together, sometimes it can be less fulfilling.
One minute a woman is enjoying the full extent of his attention, and the next minute it is gone. Likewise, when a man feels the pleasure of his own orgasm, he misses experiencing the full extent of her pleasure. Until his orgasm suddenly comes, he fully experiences her increasing pleasure. When his orgasm comes, he is too caught up in the intensity of his own experience of pleasure to feel the full development and expression of her pleasure and her love for him.
If he times it so that she can have an orgasm first, because he remains in control, he helps her to go further out of control. When she has her orgasm, he can fully be there with her to completely enjoy her pleasure. Then, once she has had her orgasm, she is free to fully experience his. It is like having two orgasms instead of just one. Both partners fully experience her orgasm, and then both partners fully experience his orgasm.
If he has an orgasm first, to fully experience his pleasure, she is distracted from her own gradual buildup and then, if she does eventually have an orgasm, he is definitely unable to fully feel her orgasm because he is no longer completely aroused. Through following the general guidelines of polarity sex, a woman is assured each time that she will at least have the opportunity to have an orgasm. Sometimes she may discover that she is not going to have one, but because he has spent the time without burdening her with expectations, she is quite fulfilled.
Through following the general guidelines of polarity sex, a woman is assured each time that she will at least have the opportunity to have an orgasm.
Bonus Benefits of Polarity Sex
A bonus benefit of polarity sex is that after a man has taken his pleasure in phase one, when it is her turn a woman naturally feels more entitled to receive her pleasure. Without this extra feeling of entitlement, some woman find it difficult to achieve orgasm.
Many times, when a women is particularly good at giving to others, she has a difficult time receiving. In sex, she may be so busy thinking about her partner’s need or so concerned for him that she doesn’t give herself permission to focus on her own needs. This tendency can be completely unconscious. Once when I was describing this point in one of my seminars, a woman suddenly became very animated and exclaimed, “I can’t believe it…. That’s it.” Everyone could tell she had had an “ah ha” experience and wondered what it was.
I stopped and asked her what had happened. This is her story:
I just realized why I had my only orgasm. I am forty-two years old, and I have never had an orgasm with a partner except once. I never could understand why, and now I know. About six years ago, my partner wanted to have sex with me. However, I was feeling resentful. I felt I had given much more in our relationship. After he persisted, I decided to have sex but planned to only receive and enjoy being touched.
When we had sex, he did everything for me, but for the first time in my life, I did nothing for my sexual partner. I told myself this was for me and really had the time of my life. Now I understand why I had an orgasm—because I wasn’t focusing on giving him pleasure, I could focus on myself, and it worked. Even though I did nothing to please him, he also was quite happy as well.
As this example points out, when a woman can fully receive, she can really enjoy sex. Polarity sex helps her to receive because after she clearly gives to him she can then shift to receiving. By having the mutual understanding of polarity sex and a clear signal that phase two has begun, a woman can more fully relax and enjoy the gradual buildup of her sexual fulfillment.
When a Man Is in Control
When a man is in control of his pleasure so that it doesn’t become so great that he has an orgasm before she does, a woman can enjoy sex even more. She does not have to be concerned with having to hurry up so she can achieve orgasm before he is done.
The more she knows he is in control and not going to come before she does, the more she can fully relax and let go. This is another advantage of polarity sex. In phase one, he gets his pleasure but doesn’t come. Then, in phase two, she knows the rest of the time is for her. She can relax, knowing that he will be there for her.
The more she knows he is in control and not going to come before she does, the more she can fully relax and let go.
Sometimes in sex a man feels a strong urge to come before a woman does. At these times, he must not allow her to stimulate his penis. He needs to pull back from stimulation and calm down. This calming down is done in two ways.
First, he needs to pull away from being stimulated before it is too late. Then he can begin to increase stimulation of her. Increasing her pleasure to the level of his pleasure will actually allow him to regain control.
Sometimes a woman really loves it if he gives her an orgasm before he penetrates her. This means that he gets excited in phase one, then in phase two he brings her to orgasm, and then they have intercourse, and he can have his orgasm. When he enters her after her orgasm, he is very, very welcome.
After a Woman’s Orgasm
After a woman has had her orgasm, she can actually enjoy his penetration the most because she is not only more open to being stimulated, but she can enjoy his pleasure more. She has had her release, and now she can focus on receiving and loving him. For her at this point, it is a different kind of stimulation. Before orgasm, she experiences a mounting pleasure, but after orgasm, it is as if she has climbed the mountain and is dancing on top of the world with her partner.
In addition, after he gives her an orgasm through stimulating her whole body and her clitoris, her vagina contracts and longs to be filled up with his penis. What better time for him to make his entrance?
Not only does she enjoy this, but he is free to move in and out of her without any performance pressure. He could come in one minute or in ten, and she will be completely happy. To a woman, it doesn’t matter how long a man lasts if he first satisfies her. Sometimes men misunderstand a woman’s need and mistakenly assume longer is better. Generally speaking, intercourse longer than thirty minutes will make a woman very sore and can lead to vaginal infections.
Men feel a great deal of pressure to last a long time so that she will get the stimulation she needs. By practicing polarity sex, she is always assured that she will get the time she needs before he comes.
To a woman, it doesn’t matter how long a man lasts if he first satisfies her.
Increasing a Woman’s Pleasure
A man tends to think in a very goal-oriented way. He wants to provide increased pleasure for a woman in the most efficient way possible. Once she is getting close to orgasm, he continues stimulating her to push her over the edge and achieve the goal. The secret of giving her more pleasure is to bring her close to orgasm and then pull back, slow down, lessen stimulation, and then start over.
To most effectively build a woman’s pleasure, a man should bring her to the point of orgasm and then let her energy settle down, then bring her back up, and then let her settle down. When he brings her to the verge of orgasm two or three times and then finally gives her an orgasm, a woman’s orgasm is much bigger and more fulfilling.
Each time she gets closer, her longing and desire for orgasm increases. Her body also gets a chance to fully prepare for the orgasm. By extending foreplay in this way, not only does she experience a bigger orgasm, but his orgasm is much more intense as well.
In polarity sex, a man should first build his energy toward his orgasm. Then when he pauses and focuses on her, his energy will relax. Later on, when it is his turn to have an orgasm, his pleasure will be much greater because he has waited.
One way a woman can signal to a man that she is about to have an orgasm is to use the code word, “Please.” The word has a double meaning: “Please stop or I will have an orgasm,” and “You are pleasing me so much.” When he gets the signal, he can choose to continue and give her an orgasm or lessen direct stimulation of the clitoris for thirty seconds to a few minutes before he brings her up again.
When he pauses, it is not as if everything has to stop. He can continue touching her all over her body in a very erotic way without directly touching her clitoris. This gives her a chance to let her energy settle down a bit before he takes it even higher.
Expanding Our Pleasure Potential
Each time we allow the energy to settle down before building it up, we are expanding the body’s ability to enjoy pleasure. I once did an experiment that is analogous to this point.
A friend of mine had a pain clinic. To lessen chronic pain, the doctor would first place a needle in the patient’s body at a certain key point. Then a current of electricity would be sent into the patient’s body through the needle. Over a one-hour period, the current flow would be dramatically increased. It was amazing how much more electric current the body could accept if the flow was slowly increased. Although I was not experiencing chronic pain, I wanted to see what this treatment felt like.
They put the needle in my arm then slowly turned up the electricity until I felt a burning pain. At that point, I signaled that it was too much, and they reduced it a little and then left it at that more comfortable level.
After ten minutes, a nurse came and turned a knob that immediately doubled the intensity. I could feel a difference, but it didn’t burn at all.
Because the electricity flow was first at my maximum tolerance, then was decreased a little and kept at that point for ten minutes, my body had time to adjust and open up to receive more current. In just ten minutes, I could receive twice as much electric current. I was amazed.
After another ten minutes, the nurse came back and again increased the flow by the original amount. After just twenty minutes, I was easily able to accept three times the original amount.
Every ten minutes for an hour, the flow was increased. After an hour, I could receive without shock or pain six times the original amount. By slowly adapting to the current, my body could take six times more current. This was a typical response.
The next day, I returned to the pain clinic and started with the same amount that I had begun with the day before. Then I decided to turn the current up further anyway and doubled the amount right away instead of waiting ten minutes. I ended up shocking and burning myself. I was able to clearly experience the body’s ability to adapt and receive more current if given the time.
In a similar way in sex, if we take the time to build up the energy and then get used to it and then build again, the ability to experience pleasure dramatically increases. By building up the energy and then pausing, we are actually expanding our container of pleasure so that we can experience greater enjoyment and have bigger and more fulfilling orgasms.
By building up the energy and then pausing, we are actually expanding our container of pleasure so that we can experience greater enjoyment and have bigger and more fulfilling orgasms.
When you take the time to build up pleasure again and again, you have a full body orgasm. If you just get excited and go straight for a quick orgasm, it is generally more concentrated in the genitals and not nearly as grand.
Healthy Home-Cooked Sex and Gourmet Sex
Unless they are having a quickie, a man should bring his partner up at least two or three times before giving her an orgasm. This is a dietary staple of great sex and takes about thirty minutes.
Healthy home-cooked sex takes about thirty minutes. Five minutes for him, twenty minutes for her to build to orgasm, and then, after he comes, five minutes to enjoy the afterglow of lying together in love.
It is good to know clearly that sex can be mutually satisfying for both partners in a relatively short period of time. If sex takes hours and hours, the passion will eventually die out. We begin to associate sex with a lot of time, and in our busy schedules, it is too difficult to find that much time. But even in a busy schedule, a half hour is easy to schedule at least once or twice a week.
In addition to home-cooked sex, it is important to create a window of privacy when you have at least two hours to enjoy gourmet sex. During gourmet sex, you can take turns bringing each other up to the point of orgasm. For example, she might start by bringing him up, then he takes her up a few times, then she can take him up again. Going back and forth, they can extend the foreplay until, eventually, she can’t hold back anymore.
For a man, not only is gourmet sex wonderful, but it trains him to control his sexual energy. Not only is it more pleasurable, but it also gives him the new experience of slowing down and being more in the moment.
After you go up several times, the urgency for climax lessens, and you can begin to savor every moment, every taste, every smell, every breath, every little sound, every sensation. In addition, you can more fully experience the flow or current of love to and from your partner.
During gourmet sex, however, a couple will spend more time in phase one. The man might come close to climax several times. Then they will shift to phase two, and she will come close to orgasm again and again. Then they might move back into phase one. Eventually, as their bodies gradually open up to receive more sexual electricity, they can enjoy giving and receiving at the same time. Although you don’t have to follow the guidelines of polarity sex rigidly, do make sure that the woman has her orgasm first.
Quickie Sex
Quickie sex takes about three to five minutes. It is basically just phase one of polarity sex and is all for his pleasure. A woman is generally open to occasional quickie sex when she feels emotionally supported in the relationship and knows that at other times she will experience regular healthy home-cooked sex and occasional gourmet sex.
A woman is generally open to occasional quickie sex when she feels emotionally supported in the relationship and knows that at other times she will experience regular healthy home-cooked sex and occasional gourmet sex.
Regular quickie sex may appeal only to him, but it has extra benefits for her as well. Although she doesn’t experience the physical stimulation of longer sex, emotionally it can be very fulfilling for a woman for a variety of reasons.
Since I began teaching how and why to incorporate quickies into a couple’s sex life, not only men have thanked me but women as well. These are sortie examples of what women have told me:
“Now when we are having sex and I discover I am not in the mood, I don’t have to fake it, I can just say, ‘Let’s have a quickie.’ He doesn’t get bummed out, and I don’t have to explain that there is nothing wrong.”
“It’s great because sometimes I just want to be close and cuddle, but I also want him to be satisfied as well. I get to be close, but I don’t have to try and get into it.”
“Finally he understands that sometimes I just like to have intercourse and I don’t care about having an orgasm.”
“Quickies are great. I don’t have to worry about how turned on I have to get. Sometimes we start out in a quickie and I start getting really turned on. I just tell him I want him to touch me, and he is very happy to shift gears and give me an orgasm. I would have never known I was in the mood if we hadn’t started out in a quickie.”
“I used to tell him that I didn’t have to have an orgasm, but I did like having sex if he was in the mood. He used to get upset, like something was wrong. Then when he heard your tapes on sex, everything changed. Somehow, because someone else told him, he could really hear. Now, without feeling pressured to perform each time, I have started enjoying sex much more, and now I feel like having an orgasm much more often.”
“Sometimes I don’t want sex to be this long process. I want to get it over with. Instead of having to fake an orgasm to finish up, I can just tell him, ‘Let’s have a quickie,’ and in a few minutes we are done.”
“Sometimes when we go out, there are a lot of younger women around. Even if I am not in the mood for sex, I do enjoy feeling that I still turn my partner on. I will initiate sex at those times with some clear signals. Then as we start, I let him know he doesn’t need to stimulate me much. It feels good to feel my man wanting and desiring me.”
These kinds of comments add a new awareness to the importance of quickies.
How Many Orgasms Are Enough?
Many books today talk about achieving more and more orgasms. Although these books are certainly helping some couples, many women just feel more pressure to perform. With our busy schedules, it is enough to think about having one orgasm. Now in the nineties, women are expected to have many.
Many women are completely satisfied with one orgasm. Sometimes more of something is not better. When a woman is satisfied with one orgasm, the man giving her that one orgasm is also very satisfied. In a way, he can feel, “I did that. I completely satisfied her.”
Some women go on and on, one orgasm after another. Although a man might find this very exciting, after a while he may feel as if he has to keep giving her orgasms, as if nothing will satisfy her. Gradually, sex can become a time-consuming duty for both men and women and lose its magic charm.
Sometimes women in my seminars have told me that they are multiorgasmic, but after ten or so orgasms, they still want more. When they finish sex and the man has his orgasm, the woman doesn’t feel satisfied. This is dissatisfying not only for her but for the man as well. He wants to feel that he has given her the ultimate orgasm or at least fulfilled her hunger.
If a woman is generally multiorgasmic, I suggest that instead of having lots of orgasms, she have one big orgasm. She can signal her partner right before her orgasm so that he can lessen stimulation and build her back up. If he builds her up several times, when she finally does have an orgasm, she may happily find that one is enough, and she doesn’t feel a hunger for more. She is truly satisfied.
Now, when I talk about what works for great sex, I run the risk of sounding as if one approach is the best approach. This is a very male attitude. Men like to find a formula and stick to it. While consistently using one approach may work for men, it generally doesn’t work for women. In the next chapter, we will explore the differences between mechanical sex and spontaneous sex.
*Endorphins, catecholamine, and neurotransmitters.