Another secret of great sex is variety. Women want sex to be a little different every time. Men don’t instinctively understand this because they are so goal-oriented. A man seeks to find a formula that will get him where he wants to go, and if it works once, he tends to repeat it over and over. His guiding principle is “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Many men find it frustrating to think that each time they have to risk trying something new. A man wants to find a formula that will work each time so he can relax in sex, feeling confident that he knows what he is doing. He feels comfortable with specific formulas. A woman, however, feels most excited when she doesn’t know what he is going to do next. Predictability is a turnoff.
A woman feels most excited in sex when she doesn’t know what her partner is going to do next. Predictability is a turnoff.
No matter how good a sexual formula is, after it is used a few times in a row, it becomes predictable, routine, and eventually boring. When a man is touching her breasts or nipples, unless she is at a peak moment of stimulation, the same stroke over and over can become a little boring. Shifting rhythms and movements may seem unimportant to a man, but to a woman it makes a big difference.
Shifting rhythms and movements may seem unimportant to a man, but to a woman it makes a big difference.
Variation in the movement of the body also helps to arouse her more. Sometimes he can lie on top of her, sometimes she can be on top. Sometimes they can switch sides. All this movement helps her to stop thinking and just feel the sensations. While following his lead, she doesn’t question why he is gently moving her from time to time, because she feels the thrill of wondering, “Where are we going next?” This anticipation is very exciting to a woman.
Sex and Baseball
To convey a sense of what excites women in sex in terms that most men can really understand, I compare sex to baseball. When a man watches a baseball game, it is the anticipation of what will happen that makes it most exciting. Who will get on base? Will the ball be caught? Who will strike out? Who will score, and who will win?
While he watches the game, his tension builds and releases with every inning. Each time a player gets on base, he feels increasing excitement and tension. This tension is released with hoots of enthusiasm when his team’s player moves to another base or scores.
No matter how exciting a game is the first time, if you watch a recording of the exact same game over and over, it will become predictable and boring. In a similar way, when a man follows the same formula in sex, it becomes boring and predictable to his partner.
Sometimes a man will find a formula that works in sex and change it by making it more efficient. Instead of taking the time for foreplay, he skips ahead to intercourse. This is like tuning in the sports report to find out who won, instead of watching the game itself. Briefly seeing the highlights of a game in a sports summary is certainly fun, but it doesn’t come close to the building excitement of being there or watching the whole game.
Watching the entire game makes the conclusion much more exciting. In a similar way, foreplay makes sex and orgasm very exciting to a woman. It is not just scoring that makes her happy, but the buildup as well.
First Batter Up
To carry the metaphor further, when a man begins gently stroking his forefinger above her breast in foreplay, it is like first batter up. Then, as he begins to move closer to the breast, he hits a line drive. The crowd is excited. She wonders, “Will he get on base?” Then as he approaches her breast, he teases her by pulling back and starting over. Our first batter is out of there, and the crowd moans. Suddenly, the thrill of anticipation arises again as the next batter steps up to the plate.
This time, instead of repeating the stroking motion the same way, he can use two fingers instead of one. This little shift will increase her excitement. It is like having another batter come up. Will he get on base?
Eventually, as he builds up the stimulation, he may be touching one of her breasts, licking or sucking on the other. Then he might slowly move his other hand down to her vagina. Having all this happen gradually is as exciting as having a tie game, with two outs in the ninth inning, bases loaded, and a new batter up. Then when he scores a home run and penetrates her for intercourse, the crowd goes wild as four runs are scored in one play.
The Magic of Foreplay
If he remembers this example of baseball and sex, foreplay will take on a whole new dimension for a man. He can begin to truly understand why foreplay is so important to her. It is as though God gave a woman a circular body to remind a man to move his hands and fingers in circles over her body instead of getting right to the point!
God gave a woman a circular body to remind a man to move his hands and fingers in circles over her body instead of getting right to the point!
She has three major erogenous zones, the two breasts and the vagina, to remind a man that there is not just one “point.” Her three major zones are also good reminders for him to use both his hands and his tongue.
When using his right hand, sometimes he can use one finger, sometimes three. Sometimes he can trace over her body with straight lines and sometimes with wiggly lines. Sometimes his touch can be strong and firm, sometimes extra gentle. Sometimes he may circle his fingers to the right, and then he can go to the left. He can go up and down. Every little variation fulfills her need for variety.
Every little variation in his touch fulfills a woman’s need for variety.
By taking the time to build her up in foreplay, he increases her pleasure. Don’t forget that, as a general rule, a woman needs about ten times more foreplay than a man. As a man gets older, he may need a little more foreplay to become fully aroused, while a woman may sometimes require less. As a general guideline, a man should remember that it is not what he does but how long he takes to do it that ensures her fulfillment.
A man should remember that it is not what he does but how long he takes to do it that ensures a woman’s fulfillment.
If foreplay has lasted thirty minutes and she hasn’t gotten close to orgasm, it’s probably safe to say she is not going to have one. Sometimes, however, if he keeps going longer, she will have one. To assist a man in knowing what to do, it is very helpful for a woman to give him some clear feedback.
To assist a man in knowing what to do, it is very helpful for a woman to give him some clear feedback.
If it seems as if he has been stimulating her for a long time and the result is not in sight but she really wants him to continue, she can say something like:
“I really like this a lot.”
“I know it’s taking a long time, but this really feels good.”
“I don’t want you to come yet. I am loving this.”
Also, if he is touching her body and she just needs to silently soak it up and melt into his touch, he may not realize this and begin to panic because he thinks nothing is happening. She can help tremendously by making a comment like:
“I know I’m really quiet, but I really like this.”
“I really like what you are doing. It is helping me to relax and begin to really open up.”
“Oh, this is just what I needed.”
With a little reassuring comment like this, he can keep going without worry that he is doing the wrong things. He needs her positive feedback.
With a little reassuring comment from her, a man can keep going without worry that he is doing the wrong things.
How a Man Can Become More Spontaneous
As we have discussed, it is hard for some men to relax in sex without being able to rely on a formula. A man can solve this problem by having lots of formulas that he rotates using. His favorite pat formula will work if at other times he uses other formulas.
In this way, a man can use formulas but at the same time give the woman the variety she needs. As he picks and chooses from a variety of patterns and skills, she gets to wonder what he is going to do next, and he gets to feel secure that he knows what to do. By alternating techniques in this way, he will automatically begin to create more techniques and approaches. In this way, mechanical sex slowly becomes more and more spontaneous and creative over time.
How a Woman’s Sexual Mood Changes
When a man is less mechanical and thus nonpredictable in sex, the woman has the opportunity to explore and express her unique sexual moods or feelings that day. She is more able to be spontaneous and responsive in differing ways. When a woman feels free to change each time, and over time, like the weather, her sexual expression changes. If sex is to remain exciting, her natural changes are important.
Sexual Seasons
Just as the seasons change, so also will sex change and continue to be interesting. For this change to occur naturally, a woman must feel supported in discovering the different expression of her sexual feelings.
The sexual act for a woman is a process of discovering what feels good that day. She does not want her partner to follow any premeditated rigid plan. She would rather that sex be a spontaneous creation each time, appropriate to how both partners are feeling.
This requires a new skill. As we have already discussed, a man instinctively prefers a tried and tested formula because he is then assured that he will fulfill his partner. A woman also wants him to know what to do, but in a different way.
She wants him to know that each time her mood may be different. She wants him to know how to discover with her what she wants. She wants him to be sensitive to her feedback that will assist him in leading her to higher states of fulfillment and pleasure.
To do this, a man needs to know the basics of great sex and to be willing to experiment by rotating his various skills. Like an artist, he needs to be very familiar with the basic colors of sex and then experiment with how they combine to create a new work of art. Like a musician, he needs to know the basic notes and chord combinations to create a beautiful piece of music.
Like an artist, he needs to be very familiar with the basic colors of sex and then experiment with how they combine to create a new work of art.
Following His Lead
When a man can take the lead in sex, he frees his partner to think less and feel more. This does not mean that she just lies there passively. The freedom to relax and stop thinking about what “should” happen allows her to flow in the currents and undulating rhythms of her sensual and sexual nature. Like dancing to a particular type of music, she can move and dance with him to the rhythm of her mood that day.
Sometimes she might feel like a snake wrapping up next to his body, entwining him and seducing him with her naked flesh. At other times, she might feel like an innocent virgin experiencing his touch for the first time. Or she might start out cool and reserved but then gradually, as he touches her body, be taken over by her hot inner passions. She might feel assertive and tell him to lie there as she does with him what she will to drive him wild, or she may peacefully cuddle up to him and melt into a deeply relaxing place as he gently touches her. These different expressions of her sexual nature are not planned or thought out, but instead are discovered in the moment.
Different expressions of her sexual nature are not planned or thought out, but instead are discovered in the moment.
When a woman has the freedom to be spontaneous, these different expressions and others will naturally come up and be expressed. When a man carefully takes the time to stimulate a woman with no expectations of how she is supposed to respond, over time she feels safer and safer in sex to do and express whatever she feels. This uninhibited sexual expression frees her to experience new heights of sexual ecstasy.
Communicating About Sex
Both men and women need clear and positive feedback to know what brings their partners the greatest fulfillment. I recommend that you take a half hour sometime, particularly when you are not feeling negative about sex, and talk about your sexual experience. In fact, it’s a good idea to have an update on this conversation every few years in your relationship.
Here is a list of questions to stimulate an informative conversation.
What do you like about having sex with me?
How did you feel when I did that?
Would you like more sex?
About how much sex would you like each week?
Would you like more time in foreplay sometimes?
Would you like less time in foreplay sometimes?
Is there something specific you would like me to do in the next month during sex?
Is there a new way you would like me to touch you? If yes, would you show me?
Is there anything new you would like me to try?
Is there anything you would like to try sexually that we’ve never done?
Is there anything I used to do that you would like me to do more of?
If you are not having sex or are not completely satisfied, it is OK to have this kind of conversation, but be very careful to put aside any negative feelings, complaints, and criticisms. Talking about sex is very, very delicate.
What makes it difficult to talk about our needs in bed is that we don’t want to feel that we are in any way disappointing our partners, but at the same time, we don’t want to be expected to do what doesn’t feel comfortable or natural to us. When answering these questions, it is important that you make it clear that you are not demanding more.
You should not do things that do not feel right to you. When your partner does not seem open to things you favor, it is critically important to be nonjudgmental and accept your partner’s feelings. At the same time, if your partner wants something that doesn’t seem important to you or seems unpleasant at first, keep an open mind. You can always say, “At this point, that feels like too big a stretch for me, but I am definitely considering it.”
A way to let your partner know something is really important to you is to gently and persistently bring it up in a friendly and nondemanding way each time you occasionally have this kind of conversation about sex. A secret of great sex is to build on the strengths you have and not focus on the problems or what you are missing. Many men and women have shared with me that after hearing my tapes on sex, they were able to automatically release some “prudish” ideas about sex and really begin to enjoy the pleasures of sex with someone they love.
A secret of great sex is to build on the strengths you have and not focus on the problems or what you are missing.
In the next chapter, we explore how monogamy helps to keep sex passionate and alive.