For some people, the thought of having sex with one person all their life seems too boring. They want more excitement. When you learn how to make sex spontaneous and not mechanical, it doesn’t have to become boring. Over time the feeling of sex can continue to change and passion can continue to grow.
There is no doubt in my mind that the secret of success in my marriage is the sexual commitment we have to each other. Many men don’t realize why monogamy is so important. They don’t instinctively understand that monogamy ensures that a woman continues to feel special and loved. If she is not feeling loved in this way, she cannot continue to open herself to him. Trust is essential for a woman to continue getting turned on to her partner.
Trust is essential for a woman to continue getting turned on to her partner.
It is easy for a man to be turned on to a woman he is attracted to. It is not so automatic to keep that attraction. It is not enough for a man to love a woman. He needs to feel that she is attracted to him, that she is open to him. He needs to feel that he can make her happy.
A man needs to repeatedly experience that he can make a woman happy if he is to stay attracted and turned on to her.
Why Passion Is Easy in the Beginning
In the beginning of a relationship, as she looks into his eyes and then casually looks away, he gets the clear message that he could be the one to make her happy. This look gives him the courage to risk rejection and initiate a relationship.
Later on, when he has disappointed her several times, she stops giving him that look, and he stops feeling that he can make her happy. Suddenly or gradually, the attraction stops. He may love her, but he is no longer attracted to her.
He may fantasize about having sex with other women, or he may eventually just suppress his sexual tendencies. He is still monogamous, but there is no passion. To remain a prisoner in a passionless relationship is not a choice that people today are willing to make. Using advanced relationship skills in bed and out can ensure that passion stays alive and sex continues to get better and better.
The Ebb and Flow of Passion
It is both healthy and natural that the wave of passion in a relationship rises and falls. Just as it is normal not to feel in love with your partner at times, it is also normal not to feel sexually attracted to your partner.
Just as it is normal not to feel in love with your partner at times, it is also normal not to feel sexually attracted to your partner.
Times when you don’t feel this sexual attraction are like cloudy days when the sun doesn’t shine. A cloudy day does not mean the sun is not there. It just means that it is temporarily covered. Cloudy days are the times when temptation knocks on our doors. When attraction is blocked in a relationship, many times we feel attracted elsewhere.
To maintain the possibility for passion to come back to your relationship, ideally it is best not to indulge your passions or fantasies.
At times, I have found myself getting turned on to another woman. This doesn’t mean I don’t love my wife. It just means that my attraction is not fully locked in to my wife. It takes years of commitment before a man’s passions flow only in the direction of his partner.
When a Man Is Tempted
When I am turned on to another woman, I look down at myself and think, “I’m glad everything down there is working.” Then I point in the opposite direction and say, “Home, James.”
This is called “dick discipline!”
I never tell myself I’m bad for feeling attracted to someone else, but I take that arousal and bring it back to my wife. If I get home and it is gone, I know I just have to begin using my advanced relationship skills to make her feel loved, happy, and special. Gradually, the attraction always comes back.
Just by containing my sexual feelings and repeatedly directing them to my wife, I increase my ability to be turned on to her. Also by controlling my feelings when I am away from her, I have more control in sex.
When a Man Can Control His Passion
When a man can both feel his passion and control it, a woman can begin to let go of control, release her inhibitions, and start to really feel her passions. As a man learns to control his passions, not only does he help his partner reach higher levels of fulfillment, but he also can experience greater levels of sexual pleasure and love.
When a man can feel his passion and control it, a woman can begin to let go of control, release her inhibitions, and start to really feel her passions.
When a man is in control, it means that his passion is so great that he could easily have an orgasm, but instead he holds back and gradually builds up his partner’s passion.
The Importance of Monogamy for
Wild and Uninhibited Sex
This control is not exercised just in bed but extends into the world. When a man is in touch with his sexual feelings but directs his sexual energies only to his partner, this control has a definite effect on her.
Every time a man is tempted by the possibility of sex and maintains his monogamous commitment, he is creating the safety for his partner to enjoy sex more. By not indulging in his fantasies of other women, he learns to control his sexual energies so that he can slow down the process of release and last longer for her. Certainly, thoughts and images may cross his mind, but as long as he comes back to an awareness of his partner, his passion and control will continue to grow.
Some men can easily last long but have little passion. Other men have tremendous excitement and passion but little control. Once they get started, they are quickly finished. They ejaculate and have an orgasm, but it is not a full body orgasm. Using the skills of polarity sex can help a man last longer, but through years of passionate monogamy, he will automatically find more control.
How a Woman Can Help a Man Last Longer
Just as a man affects a woman’s ability to relinquish control and go wild, a woman’s trust and ability to open up and receive from his touch and love can help a man stay in control.
When a woman is able to surrender and fully receive a man, he can easily maintain control while feeling increasing passion. When she is able to relax, receive, and enjoy his loving touch, he can last longer. He can continue giving as long as she is fully receiving.
If, however, she tries to take control and start turning him on, she can unknowingly push him out of control or turn him off. When he is focused on giving to her and arousing her, but she is trying to turn him on rather than let him turn her on, she can actually block the flow of his energy into her and cause him to have an orgasm before he is ready.
When her sexual reactions are a response to him rather than an attempt to arouse him, he can grow in controlled passion. But when her responses are not genuine reactions to his skillful touch, he doesn’t feel the growth of passion and may suddenly lose control. He either gets too excited and ejaculates or he gets turned off. In both cases, he doesn’t know what happened, nor does she. By her being overly excited to his touch in this manner, she can actually turn him off.
Repeating the Fourth of July
One afternoon, Donald and Connie had great, fantastic, memorable sex. Afterward, Donald told her how much he loved it. He particularly loved the way she was moving on top of him. He felt that he had driven her wild, and after a while all he had to do was lie there as she freely expressed her passion.
Two days later when they were having sex, right away she began making the same moves from the time before. This time it was a turnoff for him, even though she was repeating what she had done before to please him.
He didn’t understand at first what had gone wrong. Then he realized that the previous time when he had liked it so much, her movements were the spontaneous result of his turning her on. The next time, she was mechanically doing it to turn him on, and that is why it didn’t work. Her passionate movements and feelings were not an automatic response to him but instead were her loving attempt to please him again.
Quite innocently, she was just doing what she knew he had liked before. After discussing this, Connie learned that her honest and natural expression would turn Donald on the best, particularly when he was trying to turn her on. This awareness freed her to look even more deeply to her authentic sexual responses.
Balancing Her Pleasure with His
When a man finds himself about to have an orgasm before she is ready, he can easily regain control by reducing his excitement and increasing hers. By focusing his attention on her and not letting her focus on giving more pleasure to him, he can begin to increase her pleasure. As she begins to receive more pleasure than he does, his control comes back.
During intercourse, he can regain this control sometimes without having to come out of her by reaching down and directly stimulating her clitoris. At other times, he can move her on top and signal her to not move much by holding her hips for a moment and then, while she is on top, he can stimulate her clitoris. As she is more drawn into herself and he begins to relax, his control will come back.
Choosing to Slow Down
Sometimes a man feels that once he is moving in a woman, if he is a real man he should just keep thrusting and plunging deep inside her. Quite the opposite is true. A woman appreciates that she can turn a man on so that he begins to lose control. This is a turn-on for her. When he needs to pause and not continue to thrust, she feels successful in exciting him and she feels he is considerate of her. His slowing down to pace his energy and pleasure with hers is a sign of great skill and control and has the effect of increasing her pleasure.
Without an understanding of how she feels, he may feel inadequate and out of control because he can’t continue pumping. She, however, will feel happy that he is in so much control that he can slow down for her.
If he is so aroused in his genitals that he can’t continue intercourse without having an orgasm before she does, he should just slow down and either lie quietly inside her for a few minutes to calm down or gently pull out and continue stimulating her.
Whenever he is pumping and starting to lose control, it is generally a sign that she can’t keep up. Sometimes to seem as if she is keeping up, she will intensify her passion, hoping to please him or catch up. At this point, he will tend to lose control and ejaculate too soon. Neither he nor she feels very good when this happens.
Mistakes do happen, and certainly we should never expect sex to be “perfect” each time. When a man does occasionally come before a woman, instead of feeling bad, he can just make a mental note to make sure that next time he gives her an orgasm before he has his.
He might playfully say:
“I owe you one, honey.”
“You were just too irresistible tonight, next time I’ll make sure you get yours.”
“I love you sweetheart, next time will be all for you.”
After this, it’s best not to talk much about it but just behave as if everything is fine. If he seems disappointed and moody, the best thing she can do is to act as if everything is fine and leave him alone for a while. If, however, she is disappointed and feels a need to have an orgasm right away, she can simply begin touching herself and bring herself to climax while he holds her or helps by touching and stimulating her.
When a Man Doesn’t Get an Erection
Just as a man may easily lose control, he may also not get an erection right away. As a rule of thumb, in both cases the solution is the same. He should focus more on her pleasure. As her pleasure increases and she lets go of control, he regains his control. Couples generally make the mistake of focusing on him as if he has a problem. The more the woman focuses on trying to make him hard, the more difficult it becomes.
When a man doesn’t get an erection or has difficulty maintaining control, he should simply focus more on her pleasure.
Although sometimes it can be helpful to see a counselor for assistance, it is best to first ignore a man’s lack of control when it occurs and focus on ways he can help her feel loved in the relationship. Then when it comes to sex, they can both focus on her fulfillment for a while without depending on his erection.
A tremendous amount of pleasure can be shared sexually without a man having to be erect. The best solution is generally to focus on what techniques he can use to skillfully turn her on. Automatically, his erections will then begin to come back.
Although it is important not to be mechanical in sex, it is also important to understand in very concrete terms the basic mechanics of sex. In the next chapter, we will explore our different sexual anatomies and different ways to successfully stimulate each other.