Because touching the clitoris is so important for a woman’s fulfillment and because it is so small and easily overlooked, I would like to take a moment to review some basic terms about a woman’s anatomy. The term “vulva” describes all the female external genital organs, including the labia majora, the labia minora, the clitoris, and the entrance to the vagina.
The labia majora is like another set of lips. The labia majora are outside the labia minora, which are the smaller folds of flesh inside the external lips. Both sets of lips contain thousands of delicate nerve fibers running up and down, which, when delicately stroked, provide much stimulation, pleasure, and fulfillment.
At the south end of the labia is the vagina, which is the canal where the man inserts his penis and enters her body. At the north end of the labia is the clitoris. Because it is so small and because he does not have one, a man doesn’t realize how delicious it is for a woman when he touches her there. As a general rule, it is very important for a man to remember to go north before he goes south.
It is very important for a man to remember to go north before he goes south.
Touching the Clitoris
The clitoris is partially covered by a little flap of skin, or hood. When a woman becomes aroused, the clitoris becomes erect or engorged. Like a penis, the more erect it becomes, the more it wants to be touched.
When a woman is very aroused, a man can stimulate her even more intensely by pressing a couple of fingers just north of the clitoris and then pulling back, fully exposing it. This, however, should be done cautiously. If the clitoris is touched with too much pressure or too soon, even if she is in the mood for an orgasm, she may not be able to have one. Too much pressure can temporarily numb her sensations.
Men should aim to have a feather touch down there. When the woman wants it harder, she can easily let him know by pushing her pelvis higher or placing her hand on his and pushing it in harder.
Camping Out “Down South”
While touching a woman’s genitals, a man needs to remember to vary his approach from time to time. Instead of using the same finger, try another one. Then use two, then three. Occasionally use the whole palm as you gently but firmly sweep up from the south to the north.
Sometimes it is good to grab a pillow and plan to camp out down south for a full fifteen minutes. You should just resign yourself to the fact that you are not going anywhere else for quite a while. In this relaxed way, you can experiment with some of these suggestions.
Start with the inner thighs leading up to the labia. Stroke up and down the labia. Then take the fluids secreted from the vagina and with your fingers draw them up to the clitoris. Gently circle the clitoris, always making sure it is lubricated so the friction doesn’t cause her pain. Gently and rhythmically move up and down. After a while, move back and forth, and then move up and down again.
Try moving with the rhythm of her breathing. As she becomes more excited, increase the pace. Then slow down. Increase and decrease, no hurry, nowhere to go. If she is also stimulating your penis, you can copy her pace.
After moving in all directions, you can begin to circle the clitoris. Circle to the left and then circle to the right. Make big circles and then make little circles. Then shift to spirals. Spiral from a big circle around the whole vulva, around and around, circling smaller and smaller in toward the clitoris. After spending some time making very little and precise circles around the head of the clitoris, you can slowly begin to make bigger circles.
When you pull back the hood of the clitoris, instead of directly touching the clitoris, you can stroke up and down the nerves leading down to the clitoris from above. A variety of movements without rhyme or reason can be very stimulating for her.
While using different movements, you should listen to her responses to know what is working best that day and do more of it. Play with the movement. Do variations of it, and then come back to it. Even a winning movement can become boring if it is used too much. Yet once she is very excited, keeping a steady and consistent movement can assist her in reaching higher levels of pleasure.
Once she is very excited, keeping a steady and consistent movement can assist her in reaching higher levels of pleasure.
While touching the clitoris, you might try tracing your fingers over her clitoris as if you are writing out the alphabet. See if certain letters get a bigger response.
When your fingers get a little tired, you can just relax your hands and use your tongue. She will love it. It will provide a whole different sensation. Especially when she is very aroused, flicking your tongue over her clitoris can be very exciting for her.
Oral Sex for Women
I remember clearly the first time I gave oral sex to a woman. After being a celibate monk for nine years, I was just about to have intercourse with a woman for the first time when she said, “Oh, before you enter me, I would love it if you would first lick my clitoris. It feels really good.”
I was totally shocked. Those words reverberated in my head: “lick my clitoris.” Before that moment, I hadn’t even been aware of oral sex for women. The thought had never entered my mind.
I still remember that moment. As I moved down on her, it was like taking a deep breath and then going down into the deep end of a pool for the first time. I remembered her words, “It feels really good.” Those words gave me the courage to keep going.
Once I was down, I discovered the great joys of fulfilling a woman with the tongue. She loved it, and every woman since has loved it. It is not that a woman wants to be licked every time, but she definitely appreciates it if he does it sometimes. A man might feel more comfortable performing oral sex on a woman when he realizes that as long as she keeps herself clean and is healthy, licking her vaginal secretions is quite sanitary. In fact, in the Far East the vaginal secretions were once considered the elixir of immortality.
If, however, a man is uncomfortable licking her fluids, he can still use his tongue and his own saliva, and he doesn’t have to take in her fluids.
While licking her with his tongue, he can simply lick in the same ways he would touch her. The added advantage of licking is that the sensation for her is super smooth and lubricated. To provide another sensation, he can delicately suck the clitoris into his mouth and then flick it with his tongue or sometimes just suck it into his mouth and gently massage it back and forth.
Sometimes while licking or sucking her clitoris, he can gently insert one or two fingers in her vagina and slowly move in and out. This can add more pleasure to her experience. Reaching in her in this way, he can stimulate another point that some sex researchers call the G-spot, located about two inches in and toward her front rather than her back. Rubbing the G-spot can add another dimension to her arousal.
The problem with getting too technical in these descriptions is that we run the risk of becoming too technical in sex. Sometimes when men go hunting around for the G-spot, a woman again begins to feel performance pressure. As a general guideline, it is enough to remember the clitoris.
Oral Sex for Men
Oral sex is one of the few ways a woman can directly give her love to a man. Oral sex can be a beautiful gift of her love for him, or it can leave her with an uncomfortable feeling. When a few basic issues about oral sex that concern women are handled, it becomes easy for women to enjoy giving this special gift.
The first issue is something that men all around the world seem to do. No matter where I’ve taught my seminars, I’ve heard women from many different cultures repeatedly complain about something they don’t like about oral sex when a man starts to have an orgasm.
Quite commonly, a man will put his hands on either side of her head and ram her head in. This is not a comfortable feeling for her. Until that moment, she feels that she is giving the man she loves a special gift of pleasure. Then when he rams her head in, it begins to feel as if he is taking from her, and it is no longer her gift.
If a man wants her to continue giving this treasured gift, he simply needs to put his hands to the side of his body and not ram. A man does not know his own strength at the time of orgasm. It is as though a thunderbolt comes through him, and it can be very frightening to her.
Another complaint women have is that when he comes in her mouth, he expects her to swallow his semen. It is certainly fine if she does swallow the semen, but he should not be disappointed if she doesn’t. It is her personal preference and choice. She should not be expected to.
With the possibility of contracting HIV from semen, some experts consider choosing to swallow a man’s semen a high-risk activity. A man should be extra sensitive and respectful about whatever feelings his partner has about it. If, however, she does choose to swallow, as long as he is truly healthy and not a carrier of HIV, there is nothing unsanitary about it.
Another condition that occurs during oral sex that may make it uncomfortable for the woman is lockjaw! As a woman is holding a man’s penis in her mouth, sucking it while moving up and down on it, after a while her jaw will begin to get tired and ache. While he is moaning in pleasure, she also is moaning—in pain!
Making Oral Sex Painless
Oral sex should be a positive experience each time for a woman. There is no need for her to suffer while pleasing him. It can be comfortable and easy. There is an automatic mechanism that men have that can make it much easier for a woman.
Just about the time her jaw begins to get tired or ache, it seems every man universally will cock his head back, close his eyes, and move his head blissfully from side to side. When a woman notices this happening, she can just take her mouth off his penis, rest her jaw, and use her hand on his penis. He won’t know the difference.
After a while, he will notice something is different and look to see what she is doing. At that point, she can just put his penis back in her mouth, and he will go back to his heavenly experience. After a while, he will begin to appreciate all that she can do with her hand as well.
Friction and Compression
Basically, there are two ways to stimulate the penis: friction and compression. Friction is generated by rubbing up and down, and compression is created by holding the penis and squeezing and releasing. Just as it is very exciting for him when she moves up and down, it is also exciting when she squeezes and releases in a pumping action.
A man is generally very happy with whatever a woman does when she is stimulating his penis, but there are movements that can drive him wild with pleasure. While a woman is relaxing her jaw, she can start out with the standard up and down hand job.
Up and Down, Over the Top, Squeeze and Release
After a while, she can begin adding variations in the movement, pressure, grip, and rhythm. She could then move from up and down to over the top. She moves her hand up, cupping his penis. Then instead of going back down, she goes over the top and then down the other side. Then she comes back up and over and repeats this for a while.
Then as his pleasure is increasing, she can just hold his penis and repeatedly squeeze and release, squeeze and release. Now she can start all over and put her mouth on the penis, protecting it from her teeth with her lips, and begin sucking while moving up and down.
Sometimes she can move slow and then speed up. While moving up and down with her mouth, she can also use her hand and grip the penis around its base. As she pulls her head up, her hand can follow it up, then as her hand goes back down, her mouth can follow.
Again while relaxing her jaw, she can use the basic up and down movement quickly without a lot of pressure. This fast movement can actually help him to control ejaculation better because it is less intense than vaginal intercourse.
If she wants to increase the intensity, she can squeeze tighter as she moves up and down. Another secret is to keep his penis well-lubricated with saliva. Just as man should not stimulate a dry clitoris, a woman should be careful to keep his penis lubricated with her saliva so as not to create friction burn.
Another basic movement she can use occasionally with the up and down, over the top, and squeeze movements is the clutch movement. Holding his penis, using a back and forth wrist action, she can provide another sensation. She can then combine this twisting around clutching movement with an up and down movement. The effect is a twisting around as you go up and then twisting back as you come back down.
When holding his penis from above, she can provide another unique sensation. She can imagine that she is opening a jar. With that same twisting motion, she provides another different kind of stimulation. All these different varied movements and grips provide increasing stimulation for him but also fun for her.
Spreading Out the Pleasure
Once she has stimulated his penis for a while, the rest of his body becomes much more sensuous. To increase his pleasure, she can then begin to spread the pleasure out around his body.
As his penis is stimulated, the rest of his genitals and body also become more aroused and want to be touched. While holding and compressing his penis in her hand, she can then begin licking his testicles. This can drive him wild.
Then she may want to calm him down by slowly licking up and down the shaft of his entire erect penis. She can thereby cool his energy down and yet continue to pleasure him greatly.
Holding his penis firmly in her hand, she can occasionally move her head up his body, licking all around, gently biting his nipples, and eventually kissing him in a deeply passionate manner.
The rim of the head of his penis is also a specific area to stimulate for a while. She can lightly and quickly stimulate it much the same way she would want her own clitoris touched or licked. Then she may choose to change and intensify the pressure.
Just as a man needs feedback, so does a woman. When she is doing something that he really likes, it is OK for him to say, “I really like that movement.” Various sounds of pleasure can also let her know what he likes most.
Another very sensitive area is the perineum, a point halfway between the base of the penis and the anus. This point is a nerve-ending point for the whole body. When it is licked gently, stroked, or pressed in firmly, it can send a man to a whole new level of pleasure.
When a man is very excited, she can intensify his pleasure and give him more control by pushing up firmly on the whole perineum area with her palm. Palming him in this way when he is close to orgasm can be incredibly satisfying for him.
By using a variety of pressures and alternating between intense movement and light movement, a woman can build his energy up and then let it settle down. Each time she builds his energy back up, his pleasure will be greater.
Simultaneous Oral Sex
Although women like receiving oral sex, men tend to like receiving it more. Simultaneous oral sex is also very exciting to most men. While it is certainly fun to do, a man needs to remember that particularly for a woman who gives a lot in her life, it is hard to give and receive at the same time. For her to really enjoy receiving, ideally she should focus on herself and not on his pleasure. Simultaneous oral sex is not always going to be as exciting for her as for him. A man giving oral sex to a woman is just too intense for her sometimes, while at other times she may really be into it. For her to enjoy him giving her oral sex, it must be on her timetable. He should not try to perform oral sex on her all the time. A man needs to remember that variety is very important to women.
Just as a woman giving a man oral sex is very exciting and important to him, romance is exciting to women. In oral sex, a man gets to relax and be loved at a time when he is most vulnerable. It is his time to receive, after all his efforts to give. Similarly, romance is a way a man can give to a woman and let her know that he loves her and appreciates her efforts.
In the next chapter, we will explore different rituals for lasting romance.