While men hunger for great sex, women long for romance. Even the tough-minded, goal-oriented, high-powered executive woman places great value on romance. Romance has a magical effect on women everywhere.
Women spend billions of dollars each year on romance novels. To fulfill a woman’s need for romance, a man first needs to understand what romance is. Receiving cards, cut flowers and little presents; moonlit nights; spontaneous decisions; and eating out all spell romance.
It is not that men are unwilling to create romance. A man just doesn’t get why it is so important. He is happy to be romantic in the beginning to show her how special she is, but once he has behaved romantically, he doesn’t instinctively realize why he has to keep doing it. Probably if he had repeatedly witnessed his father being romantic to his mother, it wouldn’t have to be a learned skill.
The Magic of Cut Flowers
I remember once asking my wife to pick up some flowers at the grocery store. I knew that women like cut flowers, but after a while I wondered why I should keep getting them. After all, I casually thought, she could easily pick them up while she was shopping.
To her, this kind of reasoning was definitely not romantic. Through eventually discovering the importance of buying her cut flowers, I was able to understand the importance of all romantic gestures.
To feel romanced, a woman doesn’t want to buy her own flowers. She wants her lover to do it. She doesn’t even want to ask for them. If she has to ask, it doesn’t count as romance.
His self-motivated purchase of cut flowers for her is a symbol that he cares for her and understands her needs. These kinds of symbols are a very important part of romance.
His self-motivated purchase of cut flowers for her is a symbol that he cares for her and understands her needs.
She does not want a potted plant but cut flowers that will die in five days. Why cut flowers? So that in five days he will again go out and prove his love for her by purchasing more flowers!
Buying a potted plant is just not romantic. It is one more thing she will have to take care of.
How a Woman Can Help Him Be Romantic
When I forget to buy flowers, Bonnie sometimes helps me to remember. Instead of buying them herself or asking me to buy them, she will put out empty vases. In this way, I get to notice and then take full credit for bringing them home.
Not only do I feel charming and dashing, but she gets to feel more fully that I care. If she puts out the vases and I still forget, instead of buying flowers herself, she will sometimes ask me.
Although it is not as romantic, she can then appreciate the flowers and I will feel closer to her because I did get them. Once again, after I experience how happy the flowers make her, I tend to remember to buy them.
Why Romance Works
When a man plans a date, handles the tickets, drives the car, and takes care of all the small details, that is romance. When a man takes responsibility to take care of things, it allows a woman to relax and enjoy feeling taken care of. It is like a mini vacation that assists her to come back to her female side.
Romance is like a mini vacation that assists her in coming back to her female side.
Romantic moments are particularly helpful for women who don’t feel comfortable sharing their feelings. On a romantic date, without having to talk about her feelings, a woman can feel acknowledged, adored, understood, and supported. She receives the benefits of talking without having to talk.
A man’s romantic behavior says repeatedly that he acknowledges her, and by anticipating her needs, he signals that he understands and respects her. These kinds of actions give her the same support that talking does. In both cases, she feels heard.
Why Romance Is Important
Romance is so important today because it assists a woman to come back to her female side. For most of the day, she is doing a traditionally male job that requires her to move more to her male side. To find relief, she needs her partner’s help to return to her female side.
Romance clearly places the woman in the feminine role of being special and cared for. When a man passionately focuses on fulfilling her needs, she is able to release her tendency to take care of others. For romance to stay alive, however, eventually there must be good communication.
Romance and Communication
For romance to thrive, a woman needs to feel heard and understood on a day-to-day basis. In the beginning of a relationship, the woman really doesn’t know the man and can imagine that she is truly seen, understood, and validated. This positive feeling is the fertile ground of romance and passion. After several disappointments, however, this magic spell is broken.
When the man is untrained in the skills of listening to and understanding a woman, or when the woman resists sharing the feelings that naturally come up, she eventually feels unheard and is turned off. She generally doesn’t even know what happened. He may even make romantic overtures, but they don’t have the same magical feeling. Even cut flowers lose their potency if a woman doesn’t feel heard on a daily basis.
Talking is a major feminine need. I fully develop this advanced relationship skill in my other books on relationships and communication. Creating romantic rituals that say, “I love you and I care about you” can, however, go a long way to communicate love without words. With the support of romance, communication is much easier.
Creating Romantic Rituals
In my relationship with Bonnie, we have several rituals that nurture her female side while supporting my male side. Romantic rituals are simple actions that acknowledge he cares about her and she appreciates him. Here’s an example.
Romantic rituals are simple actions that acknowledge he cares about her and she appreciates him.
As a writer, I have an office in my home. When I hear her come home during the day, I immediately stop, get up, and find her. I greet her with a hug. Like bringing flowers, this little ritual creates a feeling that I care about her and she is loved. When she lights up after I greet her in this way, I also feel loved and appreciated.
If I forget to greet her, she will find me, not always right away, and greet me by asking me for a hug and then really appreciating it.
For many women, the thought of having to ask for a hug seems paradoxical. A hug makes her feel supported. To have to ask for a hug affirms that she is not supported. Certainly, it is more romantic if the man offers to give the hug, but if he forgets, it is better to ask than to miss out and be resentful.
It is more romantic if the man offers to give the hug, but if he forgets, it is better to ask than to miss out and be resentful.
Asking for Love: The Big Step
I remember when Bonnie first asked for a hug. It made such a difference in our relationship. Instead of resenting me for not offering hugs, she would simply ask.
It was such a gift of love to me. She began to understand that the way to love me best was to help me be successful in loving her. This is a very important advanced relationship skill.
I still remember the first day she asked for a hug. I was standing in my closet, and she was making different sounds of exhaustion. She said, “Ooohhh, what a day.”
Then she took a deep breath and made a long sigh on the exhale. In her language, she was asking for a hug. What I heard was a tired person and wrongly assumed that she probably wanted to be left alone.
Instead of resenting me for not noticing or responding to her request, she took the big step to ask for what she wanted, even though to her it seemed obvious.
She said, “John, would you give me a hug?”
My response was immediate. I said, “Of course.” I went straight over to her and gave her a big hug.
She let out another big sigh in my arms and then thanked me for the hug. I said, “Any time.”
She chuckled and smiled. I said, “What?”
She said, “You have no idea how hard it was to ask for a hug.”
I said, “Really? Why should it be hard? I am always willing to give you a hug, if you want one.”
She said, “I know, but it feels so humiliating to have to ask. I feel like I am begging for love. I want to feel like you want to give me a hug as much as I want one. I have this romantic picture that you will notice that I need a hug, then automatically offer one.”
I said, “Oh…well, from now on I will definitely try to notice and offer to give you hugs. And I really thank you for asking. If I forget to notice in the future, I hope you will keep asking.”
Acknowledge Her When She Seems Distant
Just this morning, I noticed a little distance from my wife. Instead of giving her a lot of space or ignoring her, I immediately asked her how she was feeling. This is another important ritual.
I said, “Are you feeling OK?”
Bonnie said, “I am feeling a little lonely, like the wife of an author.”
Instead of taking this as an invitation for an argument regarding how much time I spend on writing versus on our relationship, I heard what she was really saying. She was just feeling lonely. She didn’t mean anything more except that she would love a hug. So instead of defending myself, I said emphatically, “Ohhh, come here…let me give you a hug.”
Eating Out
This same principle of asking for what you want applies to all romantic rituals. When Cindy is tired, her husband, Bob, offers either to make dinner or to take her out. If he doesn’t notice or offer, she will ask, “Bob, would you take us out to eat tonight?” or “Bob, would you pick up something to go and bring it home for dinner?” or “Bob, would you make dinner tonight?”
The flip side of this ritual is that when they are finished eating out, Cindy always thanks Bob for a wonderful meal. Even though it is their money that pays for the meal, she thanks him. If he brings home food, she appreciates it in the same way as when he makes a meal.
Ordering the Meal
Another little ritual while eating out is for the man to ask the woman what she is going to order and then order it for her when the waiter arrives. Although a man need not always do this, when he does, it makes dinner special. It gives her the message that he is attentive to her, he remembers what she likes, and he cares.
When he orders for her, it does not imply that she can’t order for herself. His ordering for her is just a romantic ritual that says, “You are always doing so much for me and others, so let me do this for you.”
Another way to create a little romance in the restaurant is for him to suggest things that he knows she likes. This increases her feeling that she is seen, heard, and known. Ironically, if she suggests foods for him to eat, he may feel as if she is mothering him, which is not romantic. What may be romantic for her is not romantic for him.
How Men Take Credit
One way a woman can create some romance when they eat out is simply to have a good time and appreciate the food or the restaurant. When he takes her out, on an emotional level he will tend to take credit for the dinner. If she likes the dinner, he feels, “Yes, I cooked that dinner.”
When a man takes a woman out, she has a golden opportunity to make him feel special as well. When she appreciates what he provides for her, he feels more intimate with her.
When a man and woman go to a movie and she likes the movie, then again, a part of him takes credit. He feels, “Yes, I wrote that movie, I directed it, and I starred in it.” Of course, intellectually he knows he didn’t create the movie, but emotionally it is as if he did.
To keep the romance, she can be sensitive to his feelings when she is not happy with a movie. She doesn’t need to point out to him in great detail that she didn’t like the movie. A man feels most romantic when he feels successful in providing for her happiness.
Focusing on the Good
Sometimes a man will sense that she didn’t like the movie and for reassurance ask, “Did you like the movie?” He doesn’t really want an accurate answer about the movie but some nice and friendly comment so that he doesn’t feel he ruined the evening.
To support him at those vulnerable and embarrassing times, she needs to focus on the positive and look for something that was good or that she appreciated. She could pause for a while to let him know that she is working hard to find something good about the movie. The longer she takes, the more he knows she didn’t like the movie, and the more he’ll appreciate her for not complaining about it. After pausing to find something that she liked, she can still be honest but not critical. She could say, “I really liked that sunset scene. That was beautiful photography.”
Even if there was absolutely nothing good about it, she could say, “I don’t think I have ever seen a movie like that.” He will get the message right away and change the subject.
Or she could say, “I just enjoyed being with you.” He will definitely appreciate her.
She will find it easier to make the effort to give these kinds of supportive comments when she understands that he is really asking for her to help him save face.
Just as little gifts and caring attention from a man to a woman make her feel loved and romantic, when a woman appreciates a man’s efforts and what he provides for her, he feels more loved and romantically inclined.
It is attention to the little things that creates lasting romance. When men and women take each other for granted, the romance disappears.
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid
Once in my seminar, while sharing this example about reacting to a movie, a woman said, “It just doesn’t feel honest to me to do that. Why can’t I just tell him?”
I said, “I can understand your frustration, but to help you understand the situation better, let me ask you a question.”
She smiled and nodded her head.
I said, “What should a man say when his wife is getting dressed and looking into the mirror and says, ‘Do you think I am getting fat?’” She immediately began to laugh and said she got the message.
When it comes to romance, there are just some things better left unsaid, particularly at sensitive moments. The reason men and women tend to be insensitive is that they do not instinctively understand their different sensitivities. A man might think, “Why do I have to keep bringing her flowers or opening doors for her?” and a woman might think, “Why do I have to acknowledge the things he does?” As we understand each other better, these little rituals become fun and playful, and, most important, they are loving, kind, and considerate.
As we understand each other better, these little rituals become fun and playful, and, most important, they are loving, kind, and considerate.
Survival Skills for Dating
If a woman doesn’t understand this delicate point, while dating she can easily turn her partner off without even realizing it.
Here is another example. Bonnie and I were going to see a really great movie. We both loved it. But what I remember even more clearly than the movie was the comment a woman made on her way out to her date.
He had just asked her if she liked the movie. She responded that she hated it. I watched his posture droop as he then said, “What would you like to do now?”
She said, “I’d like to stand outside this theater and tell every person how awful this movie was.” I still remember the defeated look in this fellow’s eyes.
This woman didn’t even have a clue that she was destroying whatever chance of romance they had that evening. This man was definitely going to hesitate before ever picking another movie with her again.
Telling the Truth
Telling the truth in a relationship is essential for intimacy and romance to thrive, but timing is equally important. Lasting romance requires talking at the right time and in a way that doesn’t offend, hurt, or sour your partner.
Telling the truth in a relationship is essential for intimacy and romance to thrive, but timing is equally important.
Having lots of successful romantic rituals gives both men and women the emotional support they need to be more honest, particularly about the important things. When a man feels appreciated, it is easier for him to hear and respond lovingly to her feelings and needs. When he doesn’t feel appreciated and hears her talk about problems, he feels as if she is saying he is not doing enough.
Having lots of successful romantic rituals gives both men and women the emotional support they need to be more honest, particularly about the important things.
Listening to a woman’s feelings is a new skill for men. Traditionally, men have not been expected to empathetically listen to women’s feelings. If a woman was upset, he would “do something” or “fix something” to make her feel better. When a woman needed empathy, to get emotional support, she didn’t talk to a man, she went to other women. Until recently, women didn’t even want to talk with men about their feelings.
Why Talking Helps Romance
Today women don’t have time for each other. To various degrees, they are all feeling overwhelmed with too much to do. Lacking the support of other women and having to talk in a very goal-oriented way at work, many women today are not merely hungry to share their feelings at the end of the day, but starving. In a magical way, this new dilemma can actually be a terrific opportunity for romance.
As we have discussed before, men need to feel needed and appreciated. This is their primary emotional fuel. A big problem arises when women can provide for and protect themselves. In a very real way, men are out of work; they have been laid off from the job they have exclusively held for thousands of years.
Although women are no longer as dependent on men as providers and protectors, they suddenly have a new emerging need: a man to talk to; a partner who truly cares and listens. Women today need to communicate and feel heard at the end of the day.
The Importance of Communication
Sometimes even before she can appreciate romantic gestures, a woman needs to communicate and feel heard. Just as sex connects a man to his feelings, communication connects a woman to her need for and appreciation of romance.
Just as sex connects a man to his feelings, communication connects a woman to her need for and appreciation of romance.
For the last twenty years, the lack of communication in intimate relationships has been the major complaint of women. The reason for this is simple: Overworked women need to talk more about their feelings to successfully cope with the stress of being overwhelmed.
Overworked women need to talk more about their feelings to successfully cope with the stress of being overwhelmed.
By learning to fulfill this new emerging need to talk with his mate, a man is back in the saddle and able to provide for his partner in a new and equally important way. By gradually learning to listen, a man helps a woman be released from feeling overwhelmed and gives her a reason to greatly appreciate him.
Opening the Car Door
Romantic rituals or habits are ways the truth of your deepest feelings can be easily expressed. Opening the car is another of those rituals. Particularly for men, doing such things is a way of showing love. When a woman appreciates his efforts, not only does he feel closer to her, but her heart begins to open as well.
Romantic rituals or habits are ways the truth of your deepest feelings can be easily expressed.
When couple goes out on a date, he should go to her side of the car and open the door—even if the car automatically unlocks with a little beeper. If he starts forgetting to do this, she can remind him the next time as they approach the car by simply wrapping her arm inside his so he naturally escorts her to the door.
Even if he is opening the door for her, the very feminine act of cuddling next to her man and wrapping her arm around him is very nurturing both for her and for him.
Write It Down
Another romantic ritual is to write down a request. When a woman asks for something and he can’t give her an immediate response, the next best thing is for her to see him write it down. If he doesn’t write it down, she feels that she will have to remember and remind him again and again. A woman feels romanced by a man who hears her and quickly addresses her requests or at least writes them down. This kind of immediate response gives her the feeling that he is really there for her. Just as men like women to respond in sex, women like men to respond to little requests.
Just as men like women to respond in sex, women like men to respond to little requests.
Whenever possible, if her request can be met immediately in just a couple of minutes, the best way to ensure lasting romance is for him to “do it now.” A quick response is so comforting for a woman. When she says, for example, “The light bulb upstairs went out,” he can think, “That only takes two minutes, do it now,” and then say, “I’ll change it right now.” Before I understood that it was the little things that make a big difference with women, I would have just put it on the bottom of my to-do list because other lights were working. I would not have gotten around to doing it until much later.
The truth is it only takes two minutes for a man to get a light bulb and screw it in. When a woman makes a little request like this, a smart man immediately responds, and she loves it.
I don’t want to imply that men should just stand around waiting to do whatever she wants. Of course, men can be very busy or very tired, and they need to do things for themselves just as they do things for her. If she says the yard is a mess, he doesn’t have to jump up and start working on it. That kind of request takes hours to fulfill. It can go on the “to be done later” list.
Just as a man needs to listen and respond to her needs and requests in whatever way he can, a woman’s way of creating romance is to not take anything he does for her for granted. Certainly, there will be times that she doesn’t respond with appreciation, just as there will be times when he doesn’t respond immediately to her requests, but by being aware of these basic dynamics at work, they will always be moving in the right direction.
As couples practice keeping romance alive, it actually gets easier and easier. When a man anticipates he will be appreciated for doing something, he has more energy to do it. When a woman anticipates he will hear her and respond, she feels much more appreciative and can more easily acknowledge all he does and be more forgiving at those times when he makes mistakes or seems self-centered or lazy.
When a woman consistently lets a man know what a great guy he is for the little things he does, he will continue to do them. It brings out the best in him. Without her support, he will probably unconsciously go back to focusing on the big things like making money and being a good provider. When he does little things for her, it gives her the chance to feel her love for him again and again. She may love him, but if he doesn’t do things for her, it is also hard for her to feel her romantic feelings for him.
Rituals take time to develop, but each time a man gets into the habit of doing something a woman likes, and she continues to express her appreciation instead of taking it for granted, he will automatically be motivated to do a little more.
Going for a Walk Together
One of Robert and Cher’s romantic rituals is to walk together. Cher loves, to go for walks. In the beginning of the relationship, Robert was more of a workaholic. When Cher asked him if he wanted to go for a walk, he would say no because he needed to work.
One day, he realized that a walk only takes about fifteen minutes, and since Cher loved to walk, it would probably be very good for their relationship. He remembered that when she was upset, she would say things like, “We are so busy, we never have time for each other.”
As an experiment, he started taking little walks with her. In the beginning, he didn’t get much out of it, but now he loves it. At first, they would walk and she would talk. His mind was rather distracted by the pressures of work. She easily could have gotten upset that he was thinking about work the whole time, but instead she wisely enjoyed being with him, without expecting anything more from him. Cher was content to talk about how beautiful the trees were.
Gradually because it was something that made her happy, he began to like it more and more. Now he goes for walks even when she is not around. He likes it. It is a great break, and when he comes back he is more relaxed, clear, and efficient.
Our Night Out
Philip and Lori make sure that at least one night a week, they go out and have fun without feeling the pressures of their home and family. Sometimes, of course, they go out several times, but they always go out on Tuesday night.
Tuesday night is their movie night. They both love movies. Then every other week they will additionally do something more cultural like attending the theater or a concert.
These kinds of little rituals are particularly important for women because they give them an inner sense of security that they will get the special emotional support they need from a relationship to cope with the stress of daily life.
Going Out With the Guys
Each week, Craig has a ritual of going to the movies or doing something with his male friends. They generally go and see a “guy” movie, the kind of movie his wife, Sarah, doesn’t like.
Although at first this kind of ritual may not seem to support their relationship, it really does. Spending time with the guys keeps him from expecting to get all his support from Sarah. Time away helps him to feel completely free to be himself. As a result, he begins to miss her and want to be with her even more.
Sarah understands this because she greatly appreciates the support he gives her to spend time with her women friends. He recognizes that it is vitally important for her to get many of her needs met by women friends so that she is not looking to him for everything.
When he goes out with the guys, her accepting attitude about it really makes him feel her support. It used to be that she would look at him in a hurt way whenever he went out with the guys. Now she even reminds him to go out when he forgets.
Building Fires
Charley and Carol have a ritual around building fires. In the wintertime, when Charley got cold he used to just go turn up the heater. Now instead he will find his wife first and ask her if she is cold. Just including her in that way makes her feel special.
When he wants to create more romance, he will offer to build a fire. There is something very special when a man builds a fire for a woman. Certain primal feelings are awakened. There is a good reason that so many resorts have fireplaces in the bedrooms.
When they first moved into their forest home, Carol was planning to make lots of changes. Charley thought they were all good ideas. As he continued to support her ideas, he kept thinking of what he would want.
He wanted one of those automatic fireplaces that burns gas. When a switch was turned, it would automatically light, and the fire was all ready. Carol, however, was not into high-tech fireplaces.
When he suggested it, in a positive way she said, “That sounds like a good idea. I can see why you would want that.”
After a pause, he started thinking, “OK, she’s going to go for it.”
Then she said, “I don’t know. Something very special happens inside me when you build me a fire. It is very primal.” Because he understood the power of these romantic rituals, he gave up on the idea of the high-tech fireplace and is now glad he did.
All it takes sometimes to create a special romantic mood at home is for him to build a fire. He will wait till she is home and then carry in the heavy logs. Then he will sit down and begin building the fire.
She appreciates every effort he makes. It is special for her to feel that he is taking care of her. Sometimes she will build a fire herself, and although it is nice, it doesn’t automatically kindle the fires of their romantic feelings.
Who Carries the Wood
In her day-to-day existence, a modern woman no longer experiences as strongly the feeling that a man is taking care of her. Sure, he is still going out and working hard for her, but she also is going out and working hard. Romance is anything that helps her to feel that she is not alone and that someone is there for her. Any little thing he can directly do for her says he cares and creates romance.
At one point Charley began asking Jeff, who helps with the yard once a month, to stack the wood for fires inside the house and set up a fire. When he would start these fires that Jeff built, he noticed that it didn’t have the same effect on his wife as when he exerted himself and took the time to build the fire.
Intellectually, he could say, “I pay Jeff, so I should get the credit.” But from Carol’s emotional perspective, it didn’t matter if Charley paid Jeff to do it. For romance to be created, sometimes a woman needs to directly experience her partner toiling for her.
This is a very important aspect of romantic rituals. Women like to see their men toil or make sacrifices for them. On a deep emotional level, if her husband carries in the heavy logs and takes the time to build a fire, she feels that he is exerting himself for her well-being, and she feels loved.
It is very different from exerting himself for others who pay him and then bringing home the money. On an emotional level, when he is earning money, he is directing his attention and energy toward the people he works for and with and not toward her. For romance, a woman needs to feel a man’s energy being spent and exerted directly for her.
For romance, a woman needs to feel a man’s energy being spent and exerted directly for her.
Taking Out the Trash
A woman particularly appreciates it when a man is happily willing to do something he really doesn’t want to do. A great example of this is taking out the trash. Larry never used to take out the trash. But with Rose’s persistence in asking him to empty it in a nondemanding manner and then appreciating him when he complied, his attitude changed.
Now whenever she seems a little distant or frustrated, he starts looking to see if the trash needs to be emptied. This response happens because he repeatedly experienced how much she appreciates it when he empties it. Not only does it help out, but it is also a symbol of much more.
It says he is willing to come down off his ladder of success and do what it takes to make their life together work. It says he is not above housework. It says she is not alone, and he appreciates her efforts and is willing to help lighten her heavy load. It says he cares. When he gets home, he is now happy to be the “maintenance man” for her.
Helping with the Dishes
When Bonnie and I first got married, I told her that I would be very involved in raising our children and doing some housework, but I didn’t like doing dishes.
I said, “I don’t like doing dishes, and I don’t want someone trying to make me feel guilty when I don’t do them. If you don’t like doing dishes, we can hire someone to do them.”
She said it was fine and that she was happy doing them. When she was pregnant with our daughter Lauren, I could see that she was getting really exhausted doing dishes at night. I told her that for the rest of the pregnancy, I would do dishes, but that afterward we would go back to the old system.
Every night when I did the dishes, she was so appreciative. She treated me as if I was such a wonderful guy for doing them. A few months after Lauren was born, I very happily handed the job back to her. Again she was very appreciative that I had done it for so many months and didn’t at all mind taking it back.
Well, after a few weeks, I began to miss how wonderful it felt when she appreciated me for doing the dishes. I would wait for her to look tired and then I would come in and offer to help. Each time, she was so happy and relieved.
Now, many years later I do dishes much of the time. Doing dishes is a way I can instantly get her love. She never takes it for granted and always appreciates me.
One day, someone asked my kids who does the dishes the most. They unanimously said me. Bonnie said she did, and the kids argued. I explained to the kids that she did the dishes more but that there was a good reason they thought I did.
In a playful manner, I said, “I only do dishes when someone can see me.” Like any other romantic ritual, doing dishes is a little way I can help her and she can appreciate me. I do the dishes as a way to fill up with Bonnie’s appreciation as well as to help.
Doing Dishes Is Great Foreplay
Sometimes when my wife is really tired and goes to bed without cleaning the kitchen, I will stay and do the dishes. It rarely takes more than twenty or thirty minutes. When she gets up the next morning and finds a clean kitchen, she feels an incredible mixture of joy and relief. In an instant, her love for me dramatically goes up.
On many occasions, she has come back upstairs to awaken me in a most delightful manner. As she gently strokes my thigh, she whispers in my ear, “Was that you who cleaned the kitchen?” I smile and say, “Um-hum.” She smiles back and continues providing me with a most enjoyable and pleasurable morning delight.
This does not mean that every time I do the dishes, she is supposed to have sex with me. That would not be romance. That would be a business deal.
Doing the dishes commonly turns into sex because it makes her feel loved. Naturally, she begins to feel turned on. Knowing how much she appreciates my help makes doing the dishes a fulfilling activity for me as well.
Going to Cultural Events
Grant and Theresa go to cultural events as a romantic ritual. Both Grant and Theresa enjoy going to the movies, but sometimes Theresa also likes to go to the theater or a concert. It took years before Grant realized how important it was for her to attend something besides just movies. He thought that since he was having such a good time at the movies, she was too.
She enjoyed going to the movies, but she also wanted to do other things. Now their romantic ritual is for her to mention certain events, and then he takes charge and schedules a date and buys the tickets.
All she has to say is that there is new play in town, and he will take the hint and plan a date. He might say, “That sounds like a good idea. Let’s go next Thursday night.” When he makes a date in this way, she feels loved, romanced, and taken care of.
Grant still remembers when he first recognized the importance of cultural events for creating romance. It was before he started taking charge of these matters. After hinting around for a while about going to the symphony, Theresa went ahead and bought the tickets for them to go.
It was a great concert, and afterward when they were driving home, she greatly surprised him. He knew she had liked it, but he didn’t realize how much.
She said, “Thanks so much for taking me. It was so good.” Then, after a pause, she said, “I’m feeling really wet.”
He said, “Wet?!”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
He go so excited that when they got home and into their own garage, they took off their clothes and did it in the car.
Needless to say, the next morning Grant got up early and called to get season tickets to the symphony.
Giving Compliments
Another little ritual is to compliment a woman whenever she gets dressed up, wears something different, or in any way seems to have put some effort into how she looks. Women can become very frustrated when men don’t notice.
While Lucille was taking more time to get ready to go out, her husband, Steve, would wait downstairs. Then she would walk down the stairs and, instead of rushing, she would stop in the middle of the stairs for Steve to look at her and appreciate her beauty.
He didn’t understand this female ritual and instead of complimenting her, he would say, “Come on, we’re late.” This did not go over well.
Eventually, she decided to help him out. The next time, when Lucille paused on the stairs, she said, “How do I look?”
Still not realizing the importance of this question, Steve said, “You look fine. Come on, we’re late.”
Again this didn’t go over well. As Steve finally started learning about how men and women are different, he eventually realized his mistake.
Now when she comes down the stairs, he takes the time to notice how beautiful she is. Here is a list of expressive phrases men can use to most effectively compliment a woman:
“You look so beautiful.”
“You look really great tonight.”
“I love how you look in that dress.”
“You look really wonderful.”
“Fabulous, fabulous.”
“You look great.”
“I love the way you look tonight.”
“You look really good.”
“Your earrings are really great.”
“I really love your colors.”
“You look so spectacular.”
“You are amazingly beautiful.”
“You are so stunning.”
“You are so hot.”
“You really look sexy tonight.”
“I love your legs.”
“You are so radiant.”
“You look really very lovely tonight.”
“You are so gorgeous.”
“You look so exquisite.”
With each of these compliments, don’t hesitate to add lots of embellishments, like “really beautiful,” “very beautiful,” or “so beautiful.”
The Power of Touch
A man reaching out to touch or hold hands is a turn-on for women. While men generally hold hands in the courting stage, they stop after a while. This is a big loss. A woman loves to feel that a man wants to connect with her in this way. She doesn’t feel loved if the only time he wants to touch her is when he wants sex.
A woman doesn’t feel loved if the only time a man wants to touch her is when he wants sex.
If a man wants his partner to feel receptive to sex, he needs to touch her in an affectionate way many times each day when he is not wanting sex. He can hold hands, put his arm around her, stroke her shoulders and arms, all without implying that he is wanting sex. If the only time he touches her is when he wants sex, she begins to feel used or taken for granted.
If the only time he touches her is when he wants sex, she begins to feel used or taken for granted.
When he is holding her hand, he should remember to be attentive. Many times a man will forget he is holding her hand and she is left holding a limp, lifeless hand. When he needs to shift his attention, he should just release her hand. She doesn’t want to hold hands all the time. It is just a way to connect for a few minutes.
When I started being more affectionate and touching Bonnie more of the time, it made a tremendous difference. I couldn’t believe that one simple little shift could have such a big influence. I had heard that women need to be touched twenty times a day in a nonsexual way to build high self-esteem. When I heard this, I thought I would experiment. I started out with ten times a day, and it worked great. Immediately, she began to shine more. Now I am much more affectionate when I am around her.
In the beginning, I did it just because I knew she liked it. Each time I would touch her, I could clearly sense that she was drinking it up. She loved it. I thought, “What a great discovery.” Then as time passed, I started to really enjoy it myself.
Not only is touching her a great way to connect and feel close at any time, but it also softens the rough edges at times and brings us back to feeling our love for each other.
Lasting Love, Romance, and Sex
All these romantic rituals are simple but powerful. They assist us in reconnecting with those very special feelings of attraction and passion that we can only feel when we are emotionally connected. These rituals ensure that the man can always do something to win his partner’s love, and the woman can get the special attention and support she needs to stay passionately attracted to her partner.
These rituals ensure that the man can always do something to win his partner’s love, and the woman can get the special attention and support she needs to stay passionately attracted to her partner.
By keeping the romance alive and practicing advanced bedroom skills, you can and will continue to enjoy great sex. May you always grow in love and passion and enjoy God’s special gift. You deserve it.