[The pre-show music, the ‘Jupiter’ section of Gustav Holz’s ‘The Planets,’ reaches its crashing climax. Lights come up on the stage. The set consists of a low-budget representation of an Elizabethan theater in the fashion of Shakespeare’s Globe, with four escapes, upstage right and left, and downstage right and left. There is a wooden bookstand center right, which prominently features a book: The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. After a beat, DANIEL enters from the wings, ostensibly a house manager. He wears a watch.]
DANIEL [Rather serious.] Hello, and welcome to this performance of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged). I have just a few brief announcements before we get underway. The use of flash photography and the recording of this performance by any means, audio or video, is strictly prohibited. If you have a mobile phone, please take a moment now to turn it off, and if you have a pager—you need to get yourself a mobile phone.
For your convenience, toilets are located in the bathroom. Also, please take a moment now to locate the exit nearest your seat. [Points to exits, in the manner of an airline flight attendant.] Should the theater experience a sudden loss of pressure, oxygen masks [Pulls one from his jacket pocket.] will drop automatically. Simply place the mask over your nose and mouth, and continue to breathe normally. If you are at the theater with a small child, please place your own mask on first, and let the little bugger fend for himself.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Daniel Singer, and it gives me great pleasure to announce that we are about to attempt a feat that we believe to be unprecedented in the history of civilization. That is, to capture, in a single theatrical experience, the magic, the genius, the towering grandeur of
The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. [Lifts up the mighty book.] Now we only have an hour and a half and this book weighs about... [Considers.] six pounds, which means we have to get through eight ounces every... [Calculates on his watch.] seven seconds. That’s like ... [Calculates again.] two six-packs a minute. So we’d better start drinking! And no one knows more about Shakespeare and alcohol than the gentleman I’m about to introduce. One of the world’s preeminent Shakespearean scholars, he has a Certificate of Completion from preeminentshakespeareanscholar.com. He is here tonight to provide The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (Abridged with a much-needed preface. Please welcome me in joining Mr. Jess Winfield.
[JESS enters in a tweedy suit and spectacles. He shakes hands with DANIEL, who hands him the book and steps far stage left to listen.]
JESS Thank you, Daniel, and greetings, ladies and gentlemen. [Hugging the Complete Works book adoringly, he begins professorially, as if lecturing a class of students.] William Shakespeare: playwright, poet, actor; Stratford’s proudest flower, transplanted from the heart of the English countryside to bask in the warmth of London’s literary greenhouse. A man who, despite the ravages of male pattern baldness, planted the potent seed of his poetical genius in the fertile womb of Elizabeth’s England. There it took root and spread through the lymphatic system of Western civilization, until it became the oozing carbuncle of knowledge and understanding that grows even today on the very tip of our collective consciousness. And yet how much do we intellectually flaccid members of the twenty-first century appreciate the plump fruit of Shakespeare’s productive loins?
DANIEL How much?
JESS Let’s find out, shall we? [To the light booth.] Bob ... may I have the house lights, please?
[The house lights come up.]
Now, you are a theater-going crowd, obviously of above-average literary sensibility, and yet, if I may just have a brief show of hands, how many of you have ever seen or read any play by William Shakespeare? Any contact with the Bard whatsoever, just raise your hands ... [Almost everyone raises a hand.]
[JESS rushes to DANIEL in a panic.]
JESS Dude, we’re screwed.
DANIEL Why?
JESS I think they know more than we do.
DANIEL But you’re an eminent Shakespearean scholar!
JESS No, I’m pre-eminent.
DANIEL [Somewhat lost.] Okay... then, be preeminent.
JESS Yes. [Regaining his confidence, JESS comes back downstage. To audience.] All right. How many of you have ever seen or read All’s Well That Ends Well?
[Perhaps a third of the audience raises their hands. JESS turns to DANIEL and they exchange a thumbs-up.]
Let’s see if we can find out if we have any super-eminent Shakespearean scholars here tonight. Has anybody ever seen or read King John? King John, anyone? [ADAM, in street garb, raises his hand in the third row. JESS briefly acknowledges two people with raised hands. NOTE: if ADAM is the only responder, JESS may just ask, ‘You have, really? Have you seen it, or read it?’ below.]
Seen it, or read it? [They respond.] Good. Seen it, read it? [They respond.] Good. [He spots ADAM.] What about you? Seen it, read it?
ADAM Well, I downloaded it.
JESS Hm. Would you mind telling us what it’s about?
ADAM Um, it’s about a hunchback...?
JESS [Mildly disgusted.] No, King John is not about a hunchback. As any preeminent Shakespearean scholar can tell you, King John is about a king named John. Would you stand up, please? [ADAM rises.] Ladies and gentlemen, ecce homo.
ADAM [Offended.] Hey!
JESS Judging by your obvious lack of fluency in Latin, may I presume that you have not matriculated?
ADAM Well, not today.
JESS Look at this man, ladies and gentlemen: abandoned by our educational system, awash in a sea of sexual ambiguity, hopped up on empty kilobytes of virtual Viagra. And now look at the person sitting next to you. Go ahead! Look at them! Do you recognize the same vapid expression? The same pores, clogged with the acne of intellectual immaturity? Or do you perhaps see—KEEP LOOKING!—do you see there a longing, a desperate plea for literary salvation?
ADAM Can I sit down?
JESS No! You stand there before us as a living symbol of a society whose capacity to comprehend, much less attain, the genius of a William Shakespeare has been systematically sodomized by soap operas, reamed by reality shows, and violently violated by the women of The View!
[JESS gestures to ADAM to sit down.]
Ladies and gentlemen, I say to you, cast off the cheap thrill of the car chase for the splendor of the sonnet! Exchange the isolation of the iPod for the gentle idylls of the iamb! Imagine a world where manly men wear pink tights with pride!
DANIEL Hallelujah!
JESS A brave new world, where this book [Indicating the Complete Works.] will be found in every hotel room in the world! Can I get an ‘amen?’
DANIEL Amen!
JESS This is my dream, ladies and gentlemen, and it begins here, tonight. Join us on this, our holy quest, this Shakespearean jihad. Can I get an ‘amen?’ [Off audience reaction.] Thank you, Jesus! Now on with the show and may the Bard be with you!
[The house lights fade as DANIEL shakes JESS’s hand. JESS returns the book to DANIEL and exits.]
DANIEL [Putting the book back on the bookstand.] Those of you who own a copy of this book know that no collection is complete without a brief biography of the life of William Shakespeare. Providing this portion of the show will be the third member of the troupe; please welcome to the stage Mr. Adam Long.
[ADAM comes to the stage, carrying a mobile phone.]
ADAM Hi. I was Googling Shakespeare, and I found some amazing stuff. [He begins reading from the phone. Each time he pages to a new screen there is an audible ‘been.’] William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare was born in 1564 in the town of Stratford-upon-Avon, War-wick-shire. [Beep.] The third of eight children, he was the eldest son of John Shakespeare, a locally prominent merchant, and Mary Arden, daughter of a Roman. [Beep.] Catholic member of the landed gentry. In 1582 he married a farmer’s daughter named Anne Hathaway.
[ADAM is confused and looks to DANIEL.]
DANIEL Different Anne Hathaway.
ADAM That’s a shame. [Beep.] Shakespeare arrived in London in 1588. [Beep.] There he dictated to his secretary, Rudolf Hess, the work Mein Kampf, in which he set forth his program for the restoration of Germany to a dominant position in Europe. After reoccupying the Rhineland zone between France and Germany, and annexing Austria, the Sudetenland, and the remainder of Czechoslovakia, [Beep.] Shakespeare invaded Poland on September 1, 1939, thus precipitating World War II. [To DANIEL.] I never knew that before. [DANIEL gestures to him to wrap it up. ADAM reads rapidly.] Shakespeare remained in Berlin when the Russians entered the city, and committed suicide with his mistress, Eva Peron. He lies buried in the church at Stratford, [Beep.] though his head is frozen in a holding tank in Glendale, California. Thank you.
[ADAM bows. DANIEL shakes his hand and hurries him offstage.]
DANIEL Now, without further ado, we are proud to prevent The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged)!
[Blackout. A pretentious, heavy-metal version of ‘Greensleeves’ crashes through the sound system. At its conclusion, lights come up to reveal JESS, in Shakespearean attire and high-top sneakers. JESS consults the book, realizes it’s upside down, turns it over, flips a page, and reads.]
JESS “All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players.
They have their exits and their entrances
And one man in his time plays many parts.”
How many parts, exactly, must one man play? According to my computations, there are one thousand one hundred twenty-two roles in Shakespeare’s works. Way too many.
Take, for example, his most popular play, Romeo and Juliet: two passionate lovers, a meddling nurse, a sympathetic priest—vital to the story. But Mercutio? Lady Capulet? Unsightly fat on Shakespeare’s otherwise muscular body of work.
[Enter ADAM and DANIEL, also in Elizabethan garb and sneakers, warming up as if preparing to run a race. As JESS speaks, he moves the book and stand far stage right.]
Let us therefore begin our shrinkage of Shakespeare’s canon by rendering the gristle and blubber of his greatest romantic tragedy down to the tender, moist, underage flesh of Romeo and Juliet. Prologue!
ADAM and DANIEL [Simultaneously, with exaggerated gestures.]
“Two households, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny
Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-crossed lovers take their life,
Whose misadventured, piteous o’erthrows
Do, with their death, bury their parents’ strife.”
[ADAM and DANIEL bow, flourish, and exit.]
JESS Act One, Scene One:
Behold two men in search of imbroglio:
For the Capulets, Sampson; for Montague, Benvolio.
[Enter ADAM as BENVOLIO and DANIEL as SAMPSON, striking aggressive poses.]
Verona’s fragile peace shall be undone,
And tragedy begin ... with the biting of a thumb.
[JESS exits.]
| A/BEN | [Singing.] O, I like | D/SAM | [Singing simultaneously.] | ||
| to rise when the sun she rises, early in the morning ... | O, I had a little doggie and his name was Mr. Jiggs, I sent him to the grocery store to buy a pound of figs ... | ||||
[They see each other. Simultaneously.]
| A/BEN | [Aside.] Ooo, it’s | D/SAM | [Aside.] Ooo, it’s him. | ||
| him. I hate his guts. I swear to God I’m gonna kill him. | I hate his family, hate his dog, hate ’em all. | ||||
[They smile and bow to each other. As they cross to opposite sides of the stage, SAMPSON bites his thumb at BENVOLIO, who trips SAMPSON in return.]
A/BEN “Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
D/SAM No, sir, I do but bite my thumb.
A/BEN Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?
D/SAM No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I do bite my thumb. Do you quarrel, sir?
A/BEN Quarrel, sir? No, sir.
D/SAM But if you do, sir, I am for you. I serve as good a man as you.
A/BEN No better.
D/SAM Yes. Better.
A/BEN You lie!”
D/SAM Down with the Montagues!
A/BEN Up yours, Capulet!
[They fly at each other. Massive fight scene, with deliberately silly fight choreography. JESS enters as the PRINCE.]
J/PRINCE “Rebellious subjects!”
A/BENVOLIO and D/SAMPSON Oh no, it’s the Prince. [DANIEL and ADAM silently mimic the PRINCE as he speaks, and poke at each other whenever they get the chance.]
J/PRINCE “Enemies to the peace. On pain of torture, Throw your mistemper’d weapons to the ground, And hear the sentence of your moved prince.”
D/SAMPSON [Mocking him, then.] Buzz-kill.
J/PRINCE “You, Capulet, shall go along with me.
Benvolio, come you this afternoon
To know our farther pleasure in this case.”
A/BENVOLIO [To SAMPSON.] Brown-nose!
D/SAMPSON [To BENVOLIO.] Ass-hat!
[Annoyed, JESS slaps DANIEL in the back of head as they exit.]
A/BEN “O where is Romeo? Saw you him today?
Right glad I am he was not at this fray.
But see, he comes!
[DANIEL makes a grand entrance as ROMEO, wearing a very silly wig.]
Good morrow, coz.
D/ROMEO Is the day so young?
A/BEN But new struck nine.
D/ROMEO Ay, me. Sad hours seem long.
A/BEN What sadness lengthens Romeo’s hours?
D/ROMEO Not having that which having makes them short.
A/BEN In love?
D/ROMEO Out.
A/BEN Out of love?
D/ROMEO Out of her favor where I am in love.
A/BEN Alas that love, so gentle in his view,
Should be so rough and tyrannous in proof.
D/ROMEO Alas that love, whose view is muffl’d still,
Should without eyes see pathways to his will.”
BOTH O!
A/BEN “Go ye to the feast of Capulets.
There sups the fair Rosaline whom thou so lovest
With all the admired beauties of Verona.
Go thither and compare her face with some that I shall show.
And I shall make thee think thy swan a crow.
D/ROMEO None fairer than my love.”
A/BEN There’s free beer.
D/ROMEO Let’s go!
[Exit BENVOLIO and ROMEO. JESS re-enters, flips a couple of pages in the book.]
JESS: Now hie we to the feast of Capulet
Where Romeo shall meet his Juliet.
And where, in a scene of timeless romance,
He’ll try to get into Juliet’s pants.
[Exit JESS. ADAM enters as JULIET, wearing a wig even sillier than ROMEO’s. She dances. ROMEO enters, sees her, and is immediately smitten.]
D/ROMEO “O, she doth teach the torches to burn bright.
Did my heart love ‘til now? Forswear it, sight.
For I ne’er saw true beauty ’til this night.
[Taking JULIET’s hand.]
If I profane with my unworthiest hand
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:
My lips, two blushing pilgrims ready stand
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss.
A/JULIET Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hands too much,
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;
For saints have hands that pilgrims’ hands do touch
And palm to palm is holy palmers’ kiss.
D/ROMEO Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?
A/JULIET Ay, pilgrim. Lips that they must use in prayer.
D/ROMEO O then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.
[ADAM has no wish to be kissed and struggles with DANIEL over the following lines.]
A/JULIET Saints do not move, though grant for prayers’ sake.
D/ROMEO Then move not, while my prayers’ effect I take.
A/JULIET Then from my lips the sin that they have took.
D/ROMEO Sin from my lips? O trespass sweetly urged. Give me my sin again.”
ADAM [Breaking character.] I don’t wanna kiss you, man.
DANIEL It’s in the script.
[ADAM knees DANIEL in the groin. DANIEL crumples to the floor in pain.]
A/JULIET “You kiss by the book.” [Puts a hand to his ear, as if hearing an offstage call.] Oh, coming, Mother!
[ADAM looks around in a panic, curses under his breath: there is no balcony on the set. Getting an idea, he runs to some tall architectural element in the room that he can awkwardly climb, and struggles to gain some height. If no such architectural element exists, ADAM can summon JESS from backstage and climb on his shoulders.]
D/ROMEO [During the business above.] “Is she a Capulet? Ay, so I fear. The more is my unrest.” [Breaking character, to ADAM.] What are you doing?
ADAM The balcony scene.
D/ROMEO Ah. “But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?
A/JULIET O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name ...
Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.
What’s in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose
By any other name would still smell.
[He is beginning to lose his grip/balance.]
O Romeo, doff thy name, and for thy name
Which is no part of thee, take all myself.
[Plummets to the floor.]
D/ROMEO I take thee at thy word. Call me but love,
And I shall be new-baptiz’d. Henceforth
I shall never be Romeo.”
A/JULIET What did you just say?
D/ROMEO “Call me but love, and I’ll be new baptized. Henceforth-”
A/JULIET Call you butt-love?!
D/ROMEO No no! I said, “Call me but love”—
A/JULIET Okay: you’re butt-love! Butt-love, butt-love, butt—
[DANIEL snatches ADAM’s hand, and ADAM snaps back into character.]
“What man art thou? Art thou not Romeo, And a Montague?
D/ROMEO Neither, fair maid, if either thee dislike.
A/JULIET Dost thou love me then? I know thou wilt say aye,
And I will take thy word. Yet if thou swearest,
Thou mayest prove false. 0 Romeo, if thou dost love,
Pronounce it faithfully.
D/ROMEO Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear—
A/JULIET O swear not by the moon!
D/ROMEO What shall I swear by?”
[JULIET points to a woman in the audience.]
Lady, by yonder blessed virgin, I swear—
A/JULIET [Referring to the woman.] I don’t think so. No,
“Do not swear at all. Although I joy in thee,
I have no joy in this contract tonight.
It is too rash, too sudden, too unadvised,
Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be
Ere one can say it lightens. Sweet, good night.
[JULIET is ready to say good night at the upstage door, but ROMEO is silently flirting with the ‘virgin’ in the front row.]
Sweet, good night... sweet, good NIGHT!” Yo, butt-love, over here!
[ROMEO snaps out of it and joins her upstage.]
D/ROMEO [On one knee.] “0 wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?
[JULIET sits on ROMEO’s knee.]
A/JULIET What satisfaction can’st thou have tonight?”
[ROMEO nuzzles into her breast.]
Whoa, whoa ... second base is for second date, sweetie. “Good night, good night; parting is such sweet sorrow—” [She exits, blowing a kiss to the love-struck ROMEO.] Bye, butt-love!
[JESS enters and consults the book. DANIEL strikes a lovesick pose.]
JESS Lo, Romeo did swoon with love;
By Cupid he’d been crippl’t;
But Juliet had a loathsome coz
Whose loathsome name was Tybalt.
[JESS exits. ADAM enters as TYBALT, snarling, carrying two foils.]
A/TYBALT “Romeo, the love I bear thee can afford No better term than this: thou art a villain. Therefore turn and draw.
D/ROMEO Tybalt, I do protest, I never injured thee, But love thee, better than thou can’st devise.
A/TYBALT Thou wretched boy, I am for you!
[TYBALT throws ROMEO a foil. ROMEO catches it and closes his eyes, holding the foil extended. TYBALT steps forward, neatly impaling himself.]
A/TYBALT: O I am slain.” [TYBALT quickly bows and exits. During the laugh, DANIEL panics and runs to consult silently with JESS, who is flipping quickly through several pages of the book. JESS points to a place in the book, DANIEL nods and exits.]
JESS: Moving right along ...
From Tybalt’s death onwards, the lovers are curs’d,
Despite the best efforts of Friar and Nurse;
Their fate pursues them, they can’t seem to duck it ...
And at the end of Act Five, they both kick the bucket.
[Exits.]
[JULIET enters, riding an imaginary horse, humming the ‘William Tell Overture.’]
A/JULIET “Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steeds,
And bring in cloudy night immediately.
Come, civil night! Come, night! Come, Romeo,
Thou day in night! Come, gentle night!
Come loving, black-brow’d night!”
O night night night night...
Come come come come come!
“And bring me my Romeo!”
[DANIEL enters as the NURSE. The fake breasts sewn into her dress are flopping around outside.]
D/NURSE [Wailing.] Boo hoo hoo hoo!
A/JULIET “O it is my nurse.” [Sotto voce.] Dude, your boobs!
D/NURSE Oops! [Tucks them back inside.]
A/JULIET “Now nurse, what news?
D/NURSE Alack the day! He’s gone, he’s kill’d, he’s dead!
A/JULIET Can heaven be so envious?
D/NURSE O Romeo! Who ever would have thought it? Romeo!
A/JULIET What devil art thou to torment me thus?
Hath Romeo slain himself?
D/NURSE I saw the wound! I saw it with mine own eyes, here in his manly breast.
A/JULIET Is Romeo slaughter’d and is Tybalt dead?
D/NURSE No, Tybalt is slain and Romeo banished.
Romeo that kill’d Tybalt, he is banished!
A/JULIET 0 God! Did Romeo’s hand shed Tybalt’s blood?
D/NURSE It did, it did, alas the day it did.” [Wails hysterically.]
A/JULIET 0 Nurse! O ... O Nurse? [But it’s no use; NURSE can’t hear through her sobs.] NURSE! [NURSE wails continuously while running two small laps around JULIET, then exits.]
A/JULIET: Ah, menopause.
[JESS enters as FRIAR LAURENCE, in a monk’s robe.]
O Friar Laurence! Romeo is banished and Tybalt is slain and I’ve got cramps and that not-so-fresh feeling. Can you help me, please?
J/FRIAR “Take thou this vial, and this distilled liquor drink thou off. And presently though thy veins shall run a cold and drowsy humor.”
A/JULIET [Takes bottle and drinks.] O I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins ... [RE: his robe.] Obi-wan.
[FRIAR exits. JULIET becomes slightly dizzy.]
A/JULIET Mm, pretty colors! Uh-oh ...
[JULIET begins to convulse, vomits on several people in the front row, returns to center.]
There, I feel much better. [Collapses suddenly.]
[ROMEO enters. He sees JULIET and rushes to her prone body, accidentally stepping on her crotch while doing so.]
D/ROMEO “O no! [As ADAM clutches his privates in agony.]
My love, my wife!
Death, that hath suck’d the honey of thy breath,
Hath no power yet upon thy beauty.
O Juliet, why art thou yet so fair?”
A/JULIET Dunno, lucky I guess.
D/ROMEO “Here’s to my love.
[He drinks from his poison bottle.]
O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick.
Thus, with a kiss, I die ...
[Just as DANIEL leans in to kiss ADAM, ADAM burps. This time it is DANIEL who has no wish to kiss ADAM. He struggles with the problem for a moment, takes another swig of poison, and finally kisses him.]
Thus with a kiss, I die.”
[ROMEO dies. JULIET wakes up, stretches, scratches her butt, checks her breath (yuck!) and looks around.]
A/JULIET Good morning. “Where, O where is my love?
[She sees him lying at her feet, and screams.]
What’s this? A cup, closed in my true love’s hand?
Poison I see hath been his timeless end. O churl.
Drunk all and left no friendly drop to help me after?
Then I’ll be brief. O happy dagger! This is thy sheath.”
[She unsheathes ROMEO’s dagger and does a double-take: the blade is tiny.]
That’s Romeo for ya.
[She stabs herself. She screams, but, to her surprise, she does not feel injured. She looks for a wound and can’t find one. Finally she realizes that the blade is retractable. This is a cause for much joy. She stabs herself gleefully in the torso, on the crown of the head, on her butt, up her nostril. She finally flings the happy dagger to the ground.]
“There rust and let me die!” [Dies.]
[JESS enters with a guitar and strums a chord.]
JESS Epilogue!
[JESS strums the famous theme from Prokofiev’s Romeo and Juliet as DANIEL recites the epilogue and ADAM interprets with funny gestures.]
DANIEL “A glooming peace this morning with it brings;
The sun for sorrow will not show its head;
Go forth and have more talk of these sad things;
Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished;
For never was there a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.”
ALL [Singing, to the theme’s finale.] And Romeo and Juliet are deeeaad ... !
[They rock out, jamming a power-chord rock ‘n’ roll coda, ending with all three doing a synchronized Pete Townshend– style jump on the last chord.]
ADAM Thank you, Wembley, and good night!
[Blackout. JESS and ADAM exit. Lights come back up to reveal DANIEL alone onstage.]
DANIEL [Glancing at his watch.] Wow, we did that in twelve minutes! Let’s see, at that rate we’ll be done in ... twelve times thirty-seven is ... [Calculates.] ... seven hours and ... [Horrified.] ... crap. Okay, we spent way too long on Romeo and Juliet, but it is a classic—unlike our next play—which Shakespeare wrote as a twenty-four-year-old starving artist, desperate for a hit but too poor to know where his next banger was coming from. No surprise that an obsession with food dominates his first tragedy, the primitive revenge drama Titus Andronicus ... which we now present as a cooking show! [Exits.]
[A brief, cheesy musical sting brings on JESS as TITUS ANDRONICUS, wearing an apron and carrying a large butcher’s knife. He has a bloody stump where his left hand should be.]
J/TITUS Hi, everyone. I’m Titus Andronicus. Welcome to The Gory Gourmet! Now, when you’ve had a lousy day—your left hand chopped off, your sons murdered, your daughter raped, her tongue cut out, and both her hands chopped off—well, the last thing you want to do is cook. Unless, of course, you cook the rapist and serve him to his mother at a dinner party! My daughter, Lavinia, and I will show you how.
[ADAM enters as LAVINIA, clutching a large mixing bowl held between her two stumps, pushing DANIEL as the RAPIST in front of her.]
Good evening, Lavinia!
A/LAVINIA [‘Good evening, daddy’ as performed without a tongue.] Ood ebeie, abby! [Off the audience reaction, he gives the audience the finger—not very well.]
J/TITUS And how are we feeling today?
A/LAVINIA Ot so ood, abby. I ot my ongue yopped off, my hands cut off, he waped me, ow oo oo ink I eel!?!
J/TITUS Well, it’s a pisser, but we’ll get our revenge, won’t we?
“Now hark, villain. I will grind your bones to dust,
And of your blood and it I’ll make a paste;
And of the paste a coffin I will rear
And make a pasty of your shameful head.
Come, Lavinia, receive the blood.”
[LAVINIA holds the bowl underneath the RAPIST‘s throat to collect the ‘brood.’]
First of all, we want to make a nice, clean incision from carotid artery to jugular vein [Slicing RAPIST’s throat.], like so.
D/RAPIST Aaaaargh!
A/LAVINIA Yecch. That’s weally gwoss, abby!
J/TITUS Be sure to use a big bowl for this because the human body has about four quarts of blood in it! “And when that he is dead,” which should be ...
[The RAPIST collapses to the floor in a heap. LAVINIA exits.]
... right about now, “let me go grind his bones to powder small
And with this hateful liquor temper it;
And in that paste let his vile head be baked ...”
At about three hundred and fifty degrees. And forty minutes later, you have this lovely human-head pie ...
[LAVINIA re-enters with a truly disgusting human-head pie.]
... which I prepared earlier... [Pulling a severed hand from the pie.] I even chopped up some ladyfingers for dessert! Now, who will be the first to try this delicious, high-protein treat?
[TITUS and LAVINIA offer the pie to a COUPLE in the audience.] “Welcome, gracious lord. Welcome, dread queen.
Will’t please you eat? Will’t please you feed?”
It’s finger-lickin’ good!
A/LAVINIA [Excited by the clever line.] Ha! Ha! Finger-yiggin! Woo hoo! High five!
[They try to give each other a high five, but since neither has a hand, it is a miserable failure.]
J/TITUS Well, we’re out of time. Be sure to tune in tomorrow when we’ll see Timon of Athens in a meaty new take on the ‘Greek Salad.’ Say good night, Lavinia!
A/LAVINIA Ood ight, Abibia!
J/TITUS Close enough. Good night, everybody!
[TITUS and LAVINIA exit to a musical outro sting. DANIEL rises and dusts himself off.]
DANIEL Disgusting! But inexplicably, it was the biggest hit of Shakespeare’s lifetime, which allowed Shakespeare—who was now swimming in sausages—to broaden his artistic horizons. For example, compare the immaturity of Titus Andronicus to the complex subtleties of the human condition revealed in his dark and brooding tragedy Othello, the Moor of Venice.
[DANIEL exits. ADAM enters as OTHELLO, with plastic boats on a string draped around his neck.]
A/OTHELLO “Speak of me as I am; let nothing extenuate
Of one who loved not wisely, but too well:”
For never was there a story of more woe
Than this of Othello and his Desdemono.
[He stabs himself with a tugboat.]
O, Desi!
[He dies amid a clatter of plastic boats.]
[DANIEL and JESS watch in distress from a doorway. They confer briefly, then enter.]
DANIEL [To the light booth.] Bob, can we have some lights please?
JESS [To audience.] I’m sorry about this. It seems that Adam, secure in the infallibility of the Internet, has Googled the word ‘moor’ and determined that it’s a place where you tie up boats.
ADAM I didn’t Google it, I Wiki’d it.
DANIEL Lose the boats. [ADAM slinks off.] God, Adam is so ignorant. [Sighs. Then, to JESS.] So, what’s a ‘moor?’
JESS Well, interestingly, this is the subject of a blazing scholarly debate. For Elizabethans, ‘moor’ could refer either specifically to the Berbers of North Africa, or more generally, to any people of sub-Saharan African descent.
DANIEL So Othello’s black.
JESS [Gasp!] You mean African American.
DANIEL Doesn’t the play take place in Italy?
JESS Okay, so he’s African Italian.
DANIEL Can’t we just do it in blackface?
JESS What, are you trying to piss off Oprah? No, today’s entertainment culture expects sensitive, ethnically appropriate casting. If Othello’s African Italian, we can’t do it without a genuine, Koran-spoutin’, spaghetti-lovin’ homeboy.
[ADAM enters, sans boats.]
ADAM Hey, just because we’re white doesn’t mean we can’t represent the Afro Italian condition, yo! I got this idea, it’s sort of old school, and it’s totally boatless. We just gotta get a beat going....
[He beat-boxes, then raps.]
Here’s the story of a brother by the name of Othello.
He liked white women and he liked ... limoncello.
JESS [Catching on quickly.] Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh ... And a punk named Iago who made hisself a menace ’Cos he didn’t like Othello, the Moor of Venice.
ADAM Now Othello got married to Des-demona,
JESS But he took off for the wars and he left her alone-a.
ADAM It was a moan-a.
JESS A groan-a.
ADAM and JESS: He left her alone-a.
DANIEL [Finally catching on and joining in.] He didn’t write a letter and he didn’t telephone-a!
[They all get into it, making boom-box noises and roaming the stage with hip-hop attitude. Even the lighting operator gets into it, as multicolored lights begin flashing to the beat.]
Now Othello loved Desi like Adonis loved Venus.
JESS And Desi loved Othello cuz he had a big—
DANIEL [Not wanting JESS to say ‘penis’.] SWORD!
ADAM But Iago had a plan that was clever and slick
He was crafty.
JESS He was sly.
DANIEL He was sort of a... [Not wanting to say ‘dick.’] PENIS.
ADAM He say, ‘I’m gonna shaft the Moor.’
DANIEL How you gonna do it?
DANIEL and JESS Tell us!
ADAM Well, I know his tragic flaw is that he’s—
ALL Too damn jealous!
ADAM I need a dupe
I need a dope
I need a kind of a shmoe...
JESS So he find a chump sucker by the name o’ Cassio.
DANIEL And he plants on him Desdemona’s handkerchief.
ADAM So Othello gets to wonderin’ just maybe if... While he been out fightin’
DANIEL and ADAM Commandin’ an army.
JESS Are Desi and Cass playin’ hide the salami?
ALL Sa-sa-sa-salam
Salaaammii!
DANIEL So he come back home an’ he smother the beeyotch.
JESS An’ he thinks he pulled it off, without a heeyotch.
ADAM But there’s Emilia at the do’.
JESS Who we met in Act Fo’.
DANIEL Who say, ‘Yo, homey, she wan’t no ho.
She was—
ADAM and JESS Pure.
DANIEL She was—
ADAM and JESS: Clean.
DANIEL She was—
ADAM and JESS Virginal, too...
ALL So why’d you have to go and make her face turn blue?
ADAM It’s true.
DANIEL It’s you.
ADAM and DANIEL Now what you gonna do?’
ADAM And Othello say:
JESS ‘Damn, this is gettin’ pretty scary.’
DANIEL So he pulled out his blade and committed hara-kiri.
[JESS mimes hara-kiri on himself and twitches in death throes. ]
DANIEL and ADAM [Singing.] Do that funky Moor thing, white boy!
ADAM Iago got off on a technicality.
JESS Moved to Hollywood.
DANIEL And got his own TV...
ALL Show, that is.
DANIEL Prime time.
JESS HBO.
ADAM Desperate Houseboats.
ALL [with a raised fist salute] Africa!
[Bows and elaborate handshakes all round as the lighting bounces back to normal.]
DANIEL Guys, why don’t we lighten up from all this heavy tragedy and move on to the comedies?
ADAM and JESS Yeah!
ALL [With another raised-fist salute.] Comedies!
JESS [To audience.] Now Shakespeare’s comedies were greatly influenced by the Roman plays of Plautus and Terence, Ovid’s hilarious Metamorphoses, as well as the rich Italian tradition of Commedia dell’arte. He was a genius at borrowing and adapting plot devices from these different theatrical traditions.
ADAM Isn’t that usually called ‘plagiarism’?
JESS Shakespeare didn’t ‘plagiarize,’ he ‘distilled.’ [Exits.]
ADAM Whatever. He’s a big cheater!
DANIEL Hey, it takes a real genius to milk five ideas into sixteen plays.
ADAM Yeah, but I can never tell them apart. Like what’s that one with the shipwreck, the identical twins, and the big wedding at the end?
DANIEL All of them.
ADAM See, that sucks.
[JESS re-enters, and distributes three thin manuscripts.]
JESS Well, Shakespeare obviously should have written one exemplary play instead of sixteen sucky ones. Which is why I have taken the liberty of condensing Shakespeare’s comedic diarrhea into a single, solid, well-formed lump of hilarity, which I have entitled The Comedy of Two Well-Measured Gentlemen Lost in the Merry Wives of Venice on a Midsummer’s Twelfth Night in Winter. Or...
DANIEL [Reading the cover.] Cymbeline Taming Pericles the Merchant in the Tempest of Love as Much as You Like It for Nothing. Or...
ALL Four Weddings and a Transvestite!
[They read from their manuscripts. Note: This may be done reader’s theater style, or the scripts may be placed on book stands, freeing up the actors to use props, masks, puppets, or other devices. But it’s important that the other two actors are seeing JESS’s script for the first time.]
JESS Act One! A Bohemian duke swears an oath of celibacy, turns the rule of the city over to his tyrannical brother, and sets sail for the Golden Age of Greece. While rounding the heel of Italy, the duke’s ship is caught in a terrible tempest that casts him up on a desert island along with his sweet, innocent, and clueless young daughter.
A/PRINCESS O dear father, I am so lonely and pubescent on this island! I am sad, boo-hoo. And frisky, rrarr.
D/DUKE 0 precious daughter, watch out for symbols of colonial oppression lurking in caves, waiting for virgins.
A/PRINCESS ’Kay, b-bye!
JESS Meanwhile, the duke’s long-lost son, a handsome, dashing, clueless young merchant, is also shipwrecked—coincidentally, on the very same island.
D/MERCHANT How shall I survive without funds in this strange, foreign land? I know, I must needs find me an old Jew! Behold, here cometh a convenient Judeo Italian stereotype now.
A/JEW [Italian accent.] Whatsammata you, eh? [Jewish accent.] Need a payday loan, bubby?
JESS The wicked Jew tricks the merchant into putting down his brains as collateral on the loan.
D/MERCHANT Such a deal!
JESS Act Two. Fearing ravishment, the clueless young princess disguises herself as a boy and becomes a page to a handsome, dashing, clueless young soldier.
D/SOLDIER You there, boy!
A/PRINCESS [High voice.] Yes? ... I mean... [Lowering his voice.] Yes?
D/SOLDIER You shall woo the Lady Violivia for me, for she is shrewish, and I am sick with love!
A/PRINCESS I too feel phlegmy down there, for while I may not speak it aloud, I do love thee, though I am a boy.
D/SOLDIER I swingeth not that way, boy. Deliver this letter to Violivia. Go, hence.
A/PRINCESS Whence?
D/SOLDIER Hie thee hither from hence to thence!
JESS Act Three. The beautiful, virginal, and clueless young princess arrives in man-drag to woo the Lady Violivia.
D/SHREW It is I, the bitchy shrew Violivia. Come hither!
A/PRINCESS Whither?
D/SHREW Hither, from thither. [Hitting on her.] If you come in, I’ll show you my zither.
JESS Act Four. On the twelfth night of midsummer, a puckish sprite leads all the lovers deep into a forest and squeezes the aphroditic juice of a hermaphroditic flower in their eyes, while the queen of the fairies seduces a rude mechanical who has the head of an ass.
D/BOTTOM Yeah, but I have the ass of a man, and I’m hung like a donkey!
JESS Act Five. In the ensuing bisexual animalistic orgy, the Princess’s man-clothes get ripped off, revealing a smokin’ bod and female genitalia! The merchant recognizes his sister!
D/MERCHANT My nearly identical twin!
A/PRINCESS My long-lost and strangely attractive brother!
JESS The shrew realizes she’s bi-curious.
D/SHREW O Brave New World!
JESS The dashing young soldier decides he actually prefers Bottom.
D/SOLDIER And thereby hangs a sweet tail!
JESS The Jew exits, pursued by bear.
A/JEW Oy, a bear.
JESS And they all get married in the state of Massachusetts and go out to dinner. Now give us your hands if we be friends.
ALL Because all is well that finally ends! Thank you!
[Lights return to normal. The guys bow, and hand their manuscripts to JESS.]
ADAM Dude, I had no idea Shakespeare was such a perv.
[JESS dumps the manuscripts offstage and returns.]
DANIEL [Checking his watch.] Sixteen plays in five minutes. Not bad. But if we’re going to get outta here before midnight, we have to get back to the tragedies.
ADAM and JESS [Again with a raised-fist salute.] TRAGEDIES!
[DANIEL clears his throat because that was inappropriate: with a much smaller, lower fist-salute.] Tragedies.
[ADAM whisks any remaining props/book stands offstage and re-enters.]
JESS Interestingly, we’ve discovered Shakespeare’s comedies aren’t nearly as funny as his tragedies.
DANIEL That is so true. You know what’s funny? ‘The Scottish play!’
ADAM Oh yeah! Mac—
DANIEL and JESS [Ad lib.] Shhhhhh! Don’t say it!
ADAM Why not?
DANIEL Because it’s cursed. It’s bad luck to say the name of that show in a theater unless you’re performing it. That’s why we refer to it as ‘The Scottish Play.’
ADAM But we are performing it. And besides, there’s nothing remotely Scottish about it.
JESS It’s all in the performance, Adam. It needs to be done so that you can see the heather rippling on the highlands, feel the cold summer breeze wafting up your kilt, and smell the vomit steaming in the alley outside the pub.
DANIEL Good idea! [Points to ADAM.] Kilts! [Points to JESS.]
Whiskey!
[ADAM and JESS give the raised-fist salute.]
ADAM and JESS Vomit!
[ADAM and JESS exit.]
DANIEL Ladies and gentlemen, we now present our authentically Scottish production of . . . Macbeth!
[Lights darken, and a short blast on the bagpipes is heard, as DANIEL becomes the WITCH.]
D/WITCH “Double, double, toil and trouble.
[JESS enters as MACBETH, carrying a bag of golf clubs. In nearly impenetrable Scottish accents.]
J/MACBETH Stay, ye imperrrfect macspeaker. Tell me more.
D/WITCH Macbeth, Macbeth, beware Macduff. No man of woman born shall harm Macbeth Till Birnam Wood come to Dunsinane, don’t ye know.
[WITCH exits. ADAM enters as MACDUFF, also carrying golf clubs and hiding behind a leafy twig.]
J/MACBETH Och, that’s dead great. Then macwhat macneed macl macfear of Macduff?
[MACDUFF throws down his disguise, wields a golf club, and throws a two-fingered gesture at MACBETH.]
A/MACDUFF See YOU, Jimmy! [A popular Scottish oath.] And know That Macduff was from his mother’s womb untimely ripped!” What d’ye think aboot that?
J/MACBETH Och! I do nae like it, but I support a woman’s right t’choose! Lay on, haggis-breath!
[MACBETH pulls out a golf club, and they whack at each other with them.]
A/MACDUFF Ah, Macbeth! Ye killed me wife, ye murdered me wee bairns, and ye did a poop in my soup.
J/MACBETH Och! I didnae!
A/MACDUFF Och, aye, ye did. I had t’ throw half of it away.
[MACDUFF chases MACBETH offstage. Backstage, MACBETH’s scream is abruptly cut off with a loud whack. MACDUFF re-enters carrying a severed head.]
A/MACDUFF “Behold where lies the usurper’s cursed head.” Macbeth, yer arse is oot the windee.
[MACDUFF sets down the head, addresses it like a golf shot, and whacks it into the audience with his club.]
And know that never was there a story of more blood and death
Than this o’ Mister and Mrs. Macbeth. Thankee.
[Exits. JESS enters.]
JESS Meanwhile, in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant.
[ADAM enters.]
ADAM and JESS All hail Julius Caesar!
[DANIEL enters as JULIUS CAESAR, wearing a laurel wreath.]
D/CAESAR Hail, citizens!
JESS . . . Who was warned by a soothsayer...
A/SOOTHSAYER “Beware the Ides of March.”
JESS The great Caesar, however, chose to ignore the warning.
D/CAESAR What the hell are the Ides of March?
A/SOOTHSAYER The 15th of March.
D/CAESAR Why, that’s today.
[JESS and ADAM stab him repeatedly. He falls. ADAM exits.]
D/CAESAR “Et tu, Brute?
[CAESAR dies. JESS becomes MARK ANTONY, orating over the body.]
J/ANTONY Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears.
I come to bury Caesar,” so bury him, and let’s get on to my play, Antony... [ADAM enters as CLEOPATRA, wearing a wig and clutching a rubber snake.]
A/CLEOPATRA ... and Cleopatra! Is this an asp I see before me? “Come, venomous wretch—”
[CLEOPATRA applies the snake to her breast. A wave of nausea hits her. She elaborately vomits on several people, in the front row.]
JESS and DANIEL [Ad lib.] Whoa, Adam! No! Stop!
ADAM What?
DANIEL You have this bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare’s tragic heroines wear really ugly wigs and vomit on people before they die.
ADAM It’s an interpretation.
DANIEL Barfing is not an interpretation.
ADAM [Referring to the people he vomited on.] Well, they were into it.
JESS Adam... Antony and Cleopatra has nothing to do with gastro-intestinal distress. It’s an exciting, trans-global thriller about political maneuvering across the ancient Mediterranean.
ADAM Oh, it’s one of Shakespeare’s trans-global plays? Wow, I love those! Like that one that totally predicted twenty-first-century wireless communications?
DANIEL What!?
ADAM Yeah, it was called Two Mobile Kinsmen.
DANIEL Adam, Shakespeare wrote a play called Two NOBLE Kinsmen.
JESS Not Two Mobile Kinsmen.
DANIEL and JESS Two Noble Kinsmen.
ADAM No it’s definitely ‘mobile’ because the two kinsmen are Bill Gates and Steve Jobs.
JESS No, the kinsmen are two cousins who fall in love with the same woman.
ADAM Oh, and they’re, like, texting her ‘OMG, You’re my BFF. LOL’?
JESS and DANIEL No!
ADAM Well, FU, I’ve never even heard of that play.
JESS Well, that’s because Two Noble Kinsmen falls into the category of Shakespeare’s plays which are neither tragedy, comedy, nor history, and which scholars refer to as the ‘problem’ plays, or in some circles, the ‘obscure’ plays, or the ‘lesser’ plays, or simply, the ‘bad’ plays. And yet, not all of the bad plays are completely without merit. In fact, one of them, Troilus and Cressida, is hardly crap at all. I actually discuss it in my unpublished monograph about Shakespeare, entitled I Love My Willy. Oh, you guys would love it! It’s big, it’s long, it’s uncut, and I’ve been hammering away on it for years. In fact, if you don’t mind, I’d like to whip it out for you right now!
[JESS reaches into his pants and fishes around for something.]
ADAM I wish you wouldn’t.
DANIEL Jess, we don’t want to see your—
JESS [Pulls out a manuscript.] Monograph!
[DANIEL and ADAM sigh in relief.]
ADAM What else do you keep in your pants?
JESS [Looks.] Some sandwiches. Want one?
DANIEL and ADAM No!
DANIEL Hey, maybe we could improvise an interpretive dance, performance-art version of your... thingy.
ADAM Oh, I love interpretive performance art. It’s so... pretentious!
DANIEL Yeah! Get some props!
JESS Now wait just a minute. I was thinking of a more straightforward, scholarly approach.
ADAM Naw, screw that. [He exits.]
DANIEL Go ahead and read, and we’ll interpret. [He poses.]
JESS Well, okay. Troilus and Cressida was written in 1603, published in quarto in 1604, and appears in the First Folio, although this version is some one hundred and sixty-six lines longer than the second quarto edition of 1645, which is some one hundred and sixty-six lines shorter.
[During the above, DANIEL performs an awkward dancemime as ADAM re-enters, first with an inflatable dinosaur and then with a battery-operated Godzilla that walks and roars (though any mechanical toy with good comic timing will suffice). DANIEL and JESS stare at the toy, then look disapprovingly at ADAM and gesture for him to remove it. ADAM picks up the toy, turns it off, and exits like a wounded puppy.]
JESS Ladies and gentlemen, my monograph has nothing to do with Godzilla!
DANIEL [Indicating the monograph.] Isn’t there something in there about the plot?
[ADAM re-enters with a crown.]
JESS Plot? Of course I cover the plot. Right here in the footnote on page twenty-nine. [Reading.] ‘Troilus, youngest son of Priam, King of Troy...’
ADAM Okay, you be Troilus and you [Crowning JESS.] be the King.
JESS Okay, great. ‘... loves Cressida . . .’
[JESS and DANIEL look at ADAM.]
ADAM I’ll get the wig. [ADAM exits, fetches the wig, and re-enters.]
JESS ‘. . . and has arranged with her uncle Pandarus for a meeting. Although she feigns indifference, she is attracted to him...’
ADAM I have to feign indifference?!
JESS Yeah! ‘... Meanwhile, Agamemnon, the Greek commander, has surrounded the Trojans—’
ADAM and DANIEL Agamemnon?!?
ADAM Bo-ring!
DANIEL This is the kind of stuff that kids hate to study in school because it’s so boring.
ADAM Yeah, like as soon as you said ‘Agamemnon,’ I was asleep. No, I’m sorry, guys, but I promised them [Referring to audience.] I would not do dry, boring, vomitless Shakespeare.
JESS You don’t even know these people.
ADAM That’s not true! We bonded while I was sitting out there, and now I care about each and every one of them. [Pointing.] There’s Lillian—she came all the way across town on a bus to be here tonight, and Jennifer, who has a test Monday that she hasn’t studied for, and little Timmy, who thought he was coming to see Wicked and feels totally ripped off—
DANIEL What’s your point, Adam?
ADAM The point is I love these people, and I don’t want to see them get turned off to Shakespeare. That’s what happened to me. When I was in school and we were supposed to be studying Shakespeare, I’d be looking out the window at the kids playing ball, and thinking, ‘Why can’t this Shakespeare stuff be more like sports?’
JESS Sports?
DANIEL How do you mean?
ADAM Well, sports are exciting. Engaging. I mean, take the histories, for example. With all those kings knocking each other off, running up and down the field, the throne passing from one guy to the next—it’s exactly like football, but you do it with a crown.
DANIEL Hey, they are kinda similar, aren’t they?
JESS [Reaching deep into his pants.] I think I have a whistle in here!
[He does! He pulls it out and blows it.]
DANIEL Okay, line ’em up. Let’s kick some royal ass!
[They line up in a three-man football formation. Then, like a quarterback calling signals.]
Twenty-five! Forty-two! Richard the Third! Henry the Fourth, Part One, Part Two...
ALL HUP!
J/ANNOUNCER ... And the crown is snapped to Richard the Second, that well-spoken fourteenth-century monarch. He’s fading back to pass, looking for an heir downfield, but there’s a heavy rush from King John.
[JESS as KING JOHN stabs DANIEL as RICHARD.]
D/RICHARD II “My gross flesh sinks downwards!”
J/ANNOUNCER The crown is in the air, and Henry the Sixth comes up with it!
A/HENRY VI Victory is mine!
D/ANNOUNCER But he’s hit immediately by King John. Oh no! He’s cutting Henry the Sixth into three parts, that’s gotta hurt!
[KING JOHN slices up HENRY.]
This could be the end of the War of the Roses cycle!
[KING JOHN grabs the crown and runs in place with it.]
A/ANNOUNCER King John is in the clear...
J/KING JOHN “My soul hath elbow room!”
A/ANNOUNCER He’s at the forty, the thirty, the twenty—[DANIEL sneaks up from behind and pantomimes pouring something into JESS’s mouth]—ooh, but he’s poisoned on the ten-yard line! [DANIEL snatches the crown and puts it on. JESS exits.] Looks like he’s out for the game. Replacing him now is number seventy-two, King Lear.
D/LEAR To Regan and Goneril I hand off my kingdom. Cordelia, you go long...
[JESS enters, throwing a penalty flag and blowing a whistle.]
A/ANNOUNCER There’s a penalty marker!
[JESS makes a hand signal and points at LEAR.]
Fictional character on the field. Lear is disqualified, and he’s not happy about it.
D/LEAR [Disappointed.] Bastards.
A/ANNOUNCER Lining up now is that father-son team of Henry the Fourth and Prince Hal. Center snaps to the quarterback... quarterback gives to the hunchback. It looks like Richard the Third’s limp is giving him trouble.
D/RICHARD III “A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!”
[JESS tackles RICHARD III.]
A/ANNOUNCER There’s a pile-up on the field.
D/ANNOUNCER FUM-BLE!!! And Henry the Eighth comes up with it. He’s at the fifteen, the ten... He stops at the five-yard line to chop off his wife’s head...
A/HENRY VIII Who’s your daddy?
D/ANNOUNCER TOUCHDOWN for the Red Rose! Oh my! You gotta believe this is the beginning of a Tudor dynasty!
ALL [As CHEERLEADERS.] Henry the Fifth, Richard the Third, the whole royal family’s frickin’ absurd! Go, [Insert name of local favorite sports team.]! Yay!
[DANIEL and JESS congratulate each other as ADAM clambers into the audience.]
ADAM Can I have some house lights please? [House lights come up. To an audience member.] Can I borrow your program for a sec? [He grabs a program from a patron, which must contain a list of the plays. If there’s no program, he may consult the Complete Works book.]
DANIEL What are you doing?
ADAM I just want to check the list of plays. I think we might have done ’em all already.
JESS Really?
ADAM Yeah, see, we did all the histories just now—
DANIEL The comedies were ‘a lump of hilarity.’
JESS Okay, that leaves the tragedies. We did Titus Andronicus with all the blood—
ADAM Romeo and Juliet we did—
DANIEL Julius Caesar, Troilus and Cressida, right—
JESS We rapped Othello, Lear was in the football game, Macbeth we did with Scottish accents. What about Antony and Cleopatra?
ADAM Yeah, I puked on that lady over there—
JESS Right. Timon of Athens I mentioned. Coriolanus?
ADAM Eh... let’s skip it.
JESS Why? What’s the matter with Coriolanus?
ADAM I don’t like the ‘anus’ part. I think it’s offensive.
DANIEL Okay, so we’ll skip the anus play.
ADAM And that’s it, right? That’s all of them!
DANIEL Wow Great. [Checks the time. To audience.] Looks like we can let you go a little early.
JESS Hey, no, you guys... [Points to a spot in the program.]
ALL Hamlet!
DANIEL Oh man.
ADAM Shakespeare didn’t write Hamlet.
DANIEL Sure he did.
ADAM What’s it about?
JESS You know, the young prince struggling with his conscience after his uncle murders his father?
ADAM Dude, that’s The Lion King.
JESS Ladies and gentlemen, thirty-six plays down, one to go. Perhaps the greatest play ever written. A play of such lofty poetic and philosophical—
ADAM [Tugging at JESS’s sleeve.]: Wait a minute, Jess. Hamlet is a serious, hard-core play, and I’m just not up for it right now.
JESS Whaddaya mean? It’s the last one!
ADAM I know. It’s just that that football game left me emotionally and physically drained. I don’t think that I could do it justice.
DANIEL We don’t have to do it justice. We just have to do it.
ADAM I don’t wanna do it!
JESS Look, Adam. Our show’s called The Complete Works of William Shakespeare.
ADAM Okay, so we’ll change it to The Complete Works of William Shakespeare Except Hamlet.
JESS That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
DANIEL Adam, I think all your new little friends would like to see it. [To audience.] What do you say, would you like to see Hamlet?
[Audience responds.]
ADAM Okay, fine. We’ll do Hamlet—
DANIEL and JESS Great—
ADAM As a two-man show! If you guys feel so strongly about it, then you do it. I’m going to hang out with them. [Sits on an audience member’s lap.] She’s my friend. I’ll sit here and we’ll watch it together.
DANIEL C’mon. Adam—
[JESS and DANIEL try to pry him loose from the audience member, but ADAM starts to get hysterical.]
ADAM You can’t make me do it!
JESS and DANIEL [Ad lib, to ADAM.] Let go of her! (etc.)
ADAM [To audience member.] Don’t let go, you’re all I have in the world!
[JESS and DANIEL pry ADAM loose from the audience member and drag him roughly onto the stage.]
ADAM Okay, okay, okay! Just don’t touch me.
JESS Okay, jeez! [He tosses a now-crumpled wad back to the audience member.] Here’s your program; sorry, it got kinda trashed. [To DANIEL.] Right. We start off with the guard scene, so we’ll need Bernardo and Horatio.
DANIEL Gotcha.
JESS We’ll need Rosencrantz and Guildenstern too.
DANIEL Nah, they’ve got their own play, we can skip them.
[while they’re distracted, ADAM sprints toward the exit at the back of the theater. DANIEL sees him.]
Hey, where do you think you’re going?!
[JESS sprints after him. ADAM grabs an audience member, preferably a youngster.]
ADAM I’ll kill little Timmy! I’ll kill him!
JESS Fine, but I think it’s gonna turn him off to live theater.
[ADAM lets go of his victim and runs out the back of the house. ]
JESS Get back here, you Shakespeare weenie!
[JESS follows, slamming the door behind him. We hear ADAM scream once in the lobby. Then silence. They are gone. DANIEL returns to the stage alone. House lights down.]
DANIEL [Uneasy.] You know, Jess is usually much faster than Adam. [Sighs. He gets an idea and brightens up. He consults the book, flipping through a few pages. He runs offstage, and re-enters a moment later dressed as a guard and carrying a sword. ]
D/GUARD “Who’s there?
D/ANOTHER GUARD [Using another voice and changing his posture.] Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.
D/FIRST GUARD Long live the King.
D/SECOND GUARD Bernardo?
D/FIRST GUARD He!”
[DANIEL realizes how lame this is, and stops.]
DANIEL [Calling toward back of house.] Jess? [Another pause, then.] So, a horse walks into a bar. And the bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’ [Laughs awkwardly.] I love that. [Note: the horse joke is just one possible stall here. The actor may choose to tell another joke or two, play a short tune on a musical instrument, maybe do an impression or a party trick. Then:] So, I had this weird dream the other night. Typical actor’s anxiety dream. We were doing this show, and it’s going great, we’re making really good time, but then I realize that we haven’t actually read all the plays, and we’re just making stuff up as we go along. But then Adam and Jess just disappear, and I’m left totally alone on the stage with an hour to fill. And then suddenly the lights go out and it’s intermission. And I’m naked.
[As DANIEL drops his trousers... BLACKOUT.]
[Lights come up in the house. DANIEL is gone.]
INTERMISSION