[Lights come up—on an empty stage. After a beat, DANIEL enters nervously.]
DANIEL [To audience.] Hi. [He waits for a response, then... ] Did you have a nice intermission? [He again waits for a response.] Yeah? What’d you do? [He waits for a response.] Nice. Was there a long line at the ladies’ room? [Of course there was.] Yeah, I hate that. [A cell phone rings.] Hey, who didn’t turn off their cell phone? Oh shit, it’s mine. [He looks at his cell phone. To audience:] It’s Jess! [He answers it. To phone:] Jess, where are you!?... Oh. Which airport?... Do you have Adam? . . . Put him on the phone.... [Beat.] What the hell do you think you’re doing!?! What?... I’m sorry. Hello, Adam, how are you?... I’m fine. Wait, no! I’m not fine. I’m standing here onstage with three hundred people staring at me.... No, I’m not naked.... No, you may not speak with Lillian.... [Getting an idea.] Because Lillian is very upset that you left, and doesn’t want to have anything to do with you until you’re back onstage, performing Shakespeare like a little trouper!... Yes that does sound like something she would say! Okay? [DANIEL gives a relieved thumbs-up.] Okay, see you soon. Put Jess back on.... Yes, I love you too. Hi, Jess, how far away are you? Well, what am I supposed to do in the meantime? Oh. Okay. Good. No, no, I’m not naked. Okay, bye. Oh, don’t give Adam any candy. You know his blood sugar.... [But JESS has already hung up.] Jess? [Hangs up.] Okay, they’re on their way back. [Beat.] While we’re waiting, Jess reminded me that I should cover the sonnets. [He pulls out a single index card.] Ahem. Shakespeare wrote one hundred and fifty-four Shakespearean sonnets. We’ve condensed them onto this three-by-five card, and I was thinking maybe what we could do is pass it among the audience. Like if we start right here with you. [Indicating a member of the audience.] You take it, read it, enjoy it, then pass it to the person next to you and so on down the row, and then you pass it behind you, and so on, back and forth and back and forth and back, and then if you wouldn’t mind running it up to the balcony? Thanks, and then . . . forth and back and forth and back, and by the time it gets to you [In the back.] Jess and Adam should be back. So, Bob, if we could have some house lights, please? Ready? Ladies and gentlemen, Shakespeare’s sonnets! [Hands the card to first person in the audience.] That first one’s really good. [Begins to hum a ‘waiting tune’ on a kazoo.]
[JESS and ADAM enter at the back of the house and approach the stage.]
ADAM Honey, we’re home!
DANIEL Jess and Adam, ladies and gentlemen! [Retrieves the sonnet card.]
ADAM [Excited.] We’re back and ready to do Hamlet! Woo-hoo! H-E-L! M-E-T! H-E-L! M-E-T! What’s that spell?
DANIEL/JESS/AUDIENCE Helmet.
ADAM Yeah! I gotta go put on my helmet! Woo-hoo! H-E-L . . .
[Exits.]
DANIEL You gave him sugar, didn’t you?
JESS No, I told him if he did Hamlet, I’d take him to Disneyland.
[DANIEL shrugs and exits.]
Right, where were we? Thirty-six plays down, one to go. Bob, could you please set the scene for perhaps the greatest play ever written in the English language. [The lights change to a moody night scene.] Helmet, the trag—Hamlet . . . the Tragedy... of the Prince... of Denmark. The place: Denmark. The battlements of Elsinore castle. Midnight. Two guards enter.
[Exits. Enter A/BERNARDO and D/HORATIO, opposite.]
A/BERNARDO “Who’s there?
D/HORATIO Nay, answer me. Stand and unfold yourself.
A/BERNARDO Long live the king.
D/HORATIO Bernardo?
A/BERNARDO He. ’Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to bed, Fellatio.
D/HORATIO [Correcting him.] Horatio. For this relief, much thanks.
A/BERNARDO Well, good night.
D/HORATIO Peace, break thee off. Look where it comes! [The ghost of Hamlet’s father enters. Well, it’s actually just a sweat sock with a happy face drawn on it with a marker, dangling from a fishing line upstage center. JESS makes ghostly moaning sounds from backstage.]
A/BERNARDO Mark it, Horatio. It would be spoke to.
D/HORATIO What art thou? By heaven, I charge thee, speak!
[JESS makes the sound of a cock crowing, and the sock disappears .]
’Tis gone.
A/BERNARDO It was about to speak when the sock crew.
D/HORATIO Break we our watch up; and by my advice, let us impart what we have seen tonight unto...
BOTH Hamlet, prince of Denmark!
[They exit together. Lights change to day. JESS enters as HAMLET.]
J/HAMLET 0 that this too, too solid flesh would melt,
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.
That it should come to this, but two months dead.
So loving to my mother. [Pointing to a woman in the audience . ]
Frailty, thy name is woman.”
Yeah, you!
”Married with mine uncle, my father’s brother.
The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth
The marriage tables.
[HORATIO and BERNARDO appear in the up left doorway, observing HAMLET’s fit of melancholy. BERNARDO nods for HORATIO to approach him. HORATIO enters as BERNARDO disappears.]
D/HORATIO My lord!
J/HAMLET Horatio!
[They exchange a very silly Wittenberg University Danish Club handshake. Then.]
Methinks I see my father.
D/HORATIO Where, my lord?
J/HAMLET In my mind’s eye, Horatio.
D/HORATIO My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.
J/HAMLET Saw who?
D/HORATIO The king, your father.
J/HAMLET The king my father? But where was this?
D/HORATIO Upon the platform where we watched.
J/HAMLET ‘Tis very strange. I will watch tonight.
Perchance ’twill walk again. All is not well.
Would the night were come.
[The stage lighting changes suddenly from day to night. JESS and DANIEL are impressed. They give a thumbs-up to the light booth, and commence pretending to be cold.]
J/HAMLET The air bites shrewdly. It is very cold.
D/HORATIO Look, my lord, it comes!
J/HAMLET Angels and ministers of grace defend us. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
[ADAM enters as the GHOST OF HAMLET’S FATHER. Beneath his armor he wears a ghostly robe that is somewhat reminiscent of a giant sweat sock.]
A/GHOST Mark me!
J/HAMLET Speak. I am bound to hear.
A/GHOST So art thou to revenge when thou shalt hear.
If ever thou didst thy dear father love
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.
J/HAMLET Murder!
D/HORATIO Murder!
A/GHOST The serpent that did sting thy father’s life
Now wears his crown.
J/HAMLET My uncle.
D/HORATIO Your uncle!
A/GHOST Let not the royal bed of Denmark Become a couch for incest.”
J/HAMLET Incest!
D/HORATIO A couch!
A/GHOST “Adieu, Hamlet, remember me! [Exits.]
D/HORATIO My lord, this is strange.
J/HAMLET There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” So . . . [Slapping him.] piss off.
[HORATIO exits.]
“I hereafter shall think meet to put an antic disposition on.
The time is out of joint. O cursed spite that ever I was born to exit right!
[HAMLET exits left, then, embarrassed, re-enters and exits right. Lights change to day. DANIEL enters as POLONIUS. He takes his time, totters slowly downstage center, wheezing, until finally . . . ]
D/POLONIUS Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
[He is tremendously satisfied with himself. He waddles toward the upstage right door, where he is run over by ADAM, entering screaming as OPHELIA.]
D/POLONIUS How now, Ophelia. What’s the matter?
A/OPHELIA My lord, as I was sewing in my closet,
Lord Hamlet, with his doublet all unbraced,
No hat upon his head, pale as his shirt,
His knees knocking each other, and with a look
So piteous in purport as if he had been loosed
Out of hell to speak of horrors, he comes before me.
D/POLONIUS Mad for thy love?
A/OPHELIA I know not.
D/POLONIUS: Why, this is the very ecstasy of love.
I have found the cause of Hamlet’s lunacy.
Since brevity is the soul of wit, I will be brief:
He is mad.
[HAMLET enters reading a book, feigning madness.]
Look you where the poor wretch comes reading. Away, I do beseech you.
[OPHELIA exits.]
How does my good lord Hamlet?
J/HAMLET Well, God-a-mercy.
D/POLONIUS Do you know me, my lord?
J/HAMLET Excellent well. You are a fishmonger.
D/POLONIUS What do you read, my lord?
J/HAMLET Words, words, words.
D/POLONIUS [Aside.] Though this be madness, yet there’s method in’t.”
A/OPHELIA [Poking her head out from backstage.] Daddy, the players are here and they want to do a play-within-a-play and I don’t know what that is, so you’d better talk to them right away—
[She disappears.]
D/POLONIUS “My lord.
[POLONIUS follows OPHELIA off.]
J/HAMLET I am but mad north-northwest. When the wind is southerly,
I know a hawk from a handsaw.
I’ll have these players play something like
The murder of my father before mine uncle.
I’ll observe his looks. If he do but blench,
I know my course. The play’s the thing
Wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the king!
[HAMLET kneels and draws his dagger. Lights blackout to a pin-spot, which misses the actor by several feet; he has to slide over to it, while trying to maintain his serious composure. As he speaks, however, the titters of the audience annoy him; each time they react, he reacts with increasing anger.]
To be, or not to be? That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune Or to take arms against a sea of troubles And by opposing end them.
[He’s really intense now; maybe a little too intense.]
To die; to sleep;”
Perchance to nap...
[If the audience hasn’t tittered yet, they will now. It throws him.]
To... doze, to... snooze, perchance to... much, it’s too much!!!
[JESS collapses into a nervous breakdown. DANIEL and ADAM rush in to comfort him.]
ADAM Bob, lights please! [Stage lights come up.]
DANIEL What’s wrong? What happened to your speech?
JESS They were laughing at me!
DANIEL They weren’t laughing at you. They were laughing... adjacent to you.
JESS No! That woman was laughing at me!
[JESS lunges as if to attack the woman in the audience who was laughing, and is restrained by DANIEL and ADAM.]
ADAM Don’t worry about her. That’s Jennifer and she’s on Prozac.
JESS She laughed at me! Just like they laughed at Lulu!!!
DANIEL Ladies and gentlemen, this is a heavy-duty emotional speech, and frankly, Jess hasn’t been himself lately—
JESS Lulu...!
ADAM Who’s this Lulu he keeps going on about?
DANIEL I don’t know. I mean, there’s a bratty character named Lulu on General Hospital.
JESS She is not bratty! She’s going through hell! She had an abortion at eighteen ’cause the condom broke, and her mother’s been in a catatonic state for four years, and... [JESS updates the audience on Lulu’s trauma of the week. Visit http://www.soapcentral.com/gh/recaps.php for details.] And you don’t even care! [Collapses into more sobs.]
ADAM You watch General Hospital?!
JESS [Barely audible.] Maybe . . .
DANIEL So... wait a minute. All that stuff you were spouting about killing our televisions and embracing the Bard... that was all B.S.?
JESS [Feebly.] No...
ADAM Jess... you’re not really a preeminent Shakespeare scholar at all, are you. [JESS mumbles inaudibly.] ARE YOU!?
JESS I’m not even post-eminent.
DANIEL But . . . you took that course.
JESS I didn’t finish it.
DANIEL I saw your certificate!
JESS I made it in Photoshop.
DANIEL [Stunned.] I ... don’t even know who you are!
JESS I thought the world of Shakespearean scholarship would be all fast cars and hot babes. But it’s not! It’s full of folios and quartos and quatrains and ibids. So cold. But when I’m in Port Charles, and everyone’s so young and bold, and beautiful and restless—[JESS collapses in a heap, quietly sobbing.] I just love my stories.
[ADAM glares at the woman in the audience.]
ADAM Well, I hope you’re really proud of yourself. [Addressing the rest of the audience.] Sorry, folks, I think we’re gonna have to skip the ‘to be or not to be’ speech.
DANIEL We can’t skip ‘to be or not to be,’ it’s the most famous speech in all of Shakespeare.
ADAM It’s overrated.
DANIEL Overrated!?
ADAM Think about it. Hamlet is supposed to be killing his uncle and suddenly he’s talking about killing himself. Where did that come from? It completely weakens his character.
DANIEL It makes it more complex. The layers give it meaning.
ADAM The layers make it sucky! All those long speeches with big words nobody understands! Like what’s that one that goes, “I have of late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, forgone all custom of exercise; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air, look you; this brave o’erhanging firmament, this majestic roof fretted with golden fire, why it appears to me no more than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapors. What a piece of work is man; how noble in reason, how infinite in faculty, in form and moving how express and admirable; in action how like an angel; in apprehension how like a god. The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals; and yet to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me.”
[He has delivered the speech simply, quietly and without a trace of ‘interpretation.’ You can hear a pin drop. To DANIEL.] Hey, that didn’t suck!
JESTS [Still emotional, like a drunk.] That was beautiful, man!
DANIEL See you guys? That speech is emotional and intellectual. The two can live side by side.
JESS Like Luke and Laura!?
DANIEL Um, sure.
ADAM So when I play Ophelia, I could add some layers?
DANIEL That would be appreciated. She’s not all screams and vomit, you know. There’s something going on inside her pretty little wig.
ADAM Oh, I get it! Ophelia’s complicated! I bet in the ‘Get thee to a nunnery’ scene, she’s probably thinking stuff, and feeling stuff, like, at the same time!
DANIEL In fact, let’s do that scene real quick...
ADAM Whoa, whoa, whoa! You can’t rush all those layers! If Ophelia is that complex, we need to peel open her brain like an onion!
DANIEL Ew! That’s gross!
JESS [Finally recovered.] No, that’s great! Adam, you’re actually having a rare moment of lucidity. We could explicate Ophelia’s id, ego, and superego. Do a sort of Freudian analysis.
ADAM Yeah, a Floridian analysis! We can divide Ophelia’s brain into three different parts. Okay, I’ll be Ophelia, but one of you needs to play the Id.
DANIEL Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can’t play Ophelia’s Id. I’m already playing Polonius and Laertes, and the play-within-a-play scene’s coming up. I’m overbooked.
[ADAM looks at JESS.]
JESS [Shrugging.] Hello? Hamlet.
ADAM Fine. I’ll get my new friends to do it! [ADAM goes into audience and selects a female volunteer to bring onstage. JESS is enthusiastic about this idea and helps ADAM get the gal up onstage. DANIEL is not happy.]
DANIEL Adam, you can’t just bring some bozo onstage to play Ophelia’s brain! [DANIEL lingers way over stage left, completely out of things.]
ADAM She’s not a bozo, she’s one of my very best friends. [To VOLUNTEER.] Okay, what’s your name? [She responds.] Do you mind if we call you ‘Bob?’ It’s a little easier to remember. [She responds.] Okay, Bob, this is a very important scene. What’s happening is . . . um . . . [He has no idea what’s happening in the scene.] Jess, would you like to tell Bob about all the layers?
JESS Sure, Bob, it’s very simple: Hamlet is playing out sublimated childhood neuroses, displacing repressed Oedipal desires into sexualized anger towards Ophelia—
DANIEL Hamlet’s being a prick.
JESS Exactly. Now... the id represents the raw, animal power of the individual, which Adam has effectively encapsulated in Ophelia’s trademark scream.
ADAM Why thank you, Jess.
JESS You’re welcome, Adam.
DANIEL This is clearly over her head!
ADAM Just give her a chance. So Hamlet gets all worked up and tells Ophelia to get out of his life. He says, “Get thee to a nunnery.” And in response, Ophelia’s Id screams.
JESS It’s very simple. Hamlet says, “Get thee to a nunnery” and Ophelia’s Id screams. Okay? Let’s give it a try.
DANIEL [To VOLUNTEER.] Hey, thanks for breaking up the group, Yoko.
JESS I’ll give you your cue. Wait, let me just step into character. . . .
[JESS takes a deep breath and then one tiny step downstage.]
JESS “Get thee to a nunnery!”
[The VOLUNTEER screams—probably not very well.]
ADAM Did you hear that, Daniel? I thought that was really good.
JESS Yeah, it was okay.
DANIEL [Still stage left.] No, it sucked.
ADAM Come on, Daniel. Give her a break. I mean, okay, she’s not an actress ... frankly it shows. [To VOLUNTEER.] But I think you showed a lot of heart. A lot of courage. A lot of—as Shakespeare would say, chutzpah—and to get a better scream, I think we just need get everybody involved in this. You know, create a supportive environment for Bob here. [Indicating the VOLUNTEER.]
JESS We could divide the rest of the audience up into Ophelia’s Ego and Superego!
DANIEL Fine, let’s just get on with it! I’ll get the ego. Bob, bring up the house lights, please?
[The house lights come up. DANIEL grabs a guy out of the audience and hustles him up onstage.]
Now, you’re playing the part of Ophelia’s Ego. At this point in the play her ego is flighty, it’s confused....
ADAM It’s an ego on the run.
DANIEL So why don’t we symbolize this, Bob, by—oh, do you mind if we call you ‘Bob?’—we’ll symbolize this by actually having you run back and forth across the stage in front of Ophelia. Will you give that a try? Right now, just ...
ALL Go, go, go, go, go, go!
[EGO runs. They stop him before he begins his second round trip. ]
DANIEL Wow. He’s an egomaniac!
ADAM Now, everyone in the front two rows, you’re going to be Ophelia’s Unconscience.
JESS ‘Unconscious.’
ADAM Really? That explains it. [To audience.] Wake up, we’re doing a show! Right. Now the Unconscious is like the watery depths of Ophelia’s soul, right, Jess?
[JESS nods reluctant agreement.]
And she’s tossed by the tides and the currents of her emotions. So everybody in the first two rows, hands in the air, wave them back and forth, kind of undulate, and say, [In falsetto.] ‘Maybe . . . maybe not . . . maybe . . . maybe not.’ Okay, that’s good.
JESTS But you . . . [Picking on a less-than-enthusiastic member of the unconscious.] What was your problem? You were not participating with the rest of the group. You know what that means, don’t you? You’re going to have to do it—
ALL ALL . . . BY... YOUR... SELF.
JESS Okay, hands up.
DANIEL Don’t worry, nobody’s looking. And...
[They make the malingerer do it alone.]
ADAM I feel a lot of love in this room.
JESS I feel . . . something. Now why don’t we get everybody behind the first two rows to be Ophelia’s Superego. The superego is that jumble of voices inside your head that dominate your moral and ethical behavior. It’s very powerful, very difficult to shake . . . some people never shake it in their entire lifetime.
ADAM Sorta like Catholicism!
JESS Exactly.
ADAM Let’s divide the Superego into three parts. Everybody from where Jess is indicating . . .
[JESS, indicating with his dagger, slices off the left third of the audience. ]
... to my left will be Section ‘A.’ Everyone from Jess to here [Indicating the middle third of the audience.], you’re Section ‘B.’ And everybody up in the cheap seats, you’ll be Section . . . ?[He seems to be prompting the audience to respond. They call out, ‘C.’]
Awesome. Now Section A is the masculine part of Ophelia’s brain, the voice of all the men in her life that have been holding her back. We’ll use Hamlet’s line for this. I’d like you to say, “Get thee to a nunnery!” Let’s try it. Section A?
[They respond. ]
DANIEL Section A, that was awful.
ADAM C’mon, people, work with us on this. We want it very loud, very strident. Section A?
[They respond.]
JESS Yes! Much less totally pathetic!
ADAM Okay, Section B. Let’s make you the voice of Ophelia’s ‘inner ho.’
JESS Freud would call it the ‘libido.’
ADAM Whatever, the libido is the part of Ophelia that wants to get it on with Hamlet. So you’re saying to her, look, do something with yourself for God’s sake. Put on some makeup or something—[To the VOLUNTEER.]—Oh, no offense.
JESS There’s a great line about makeup that’s straight out of the Shakespearean text. Why don’t we have them say, “Paint an inch thick!”
ADAM Perfect! Give it a try . . . Section B? [They respond.]
DANIEL Section A, you could learn something from Section B.
ADAM Now, Section C, you’re the most important layer of them all. We’re going to use you to make Ophelia relevant to the twenty-first century.
JESS Interesting. So maybe she wants power... but she doesn’t want to lose her femininity.
DANIEL Maybe she wants to be a corporate executive, but she also wants to raise a family.
ADAM Yes! She’s tired of being pushed around and she just feels like saying, ‘Look, cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking and I want babies now!’
DANIEL [To ADAM.] So why don’t we just have them say that?
ADAM Okay, yeah, Section C, we’ll have you say...
ALL ‘Cut the crap, Hamlet, my biological clock is ticking, and I want babies now!’
ADAM Let’s give it a try, shall we? Section C? [They respond.]
DANIEL I don’t know about you, but I thought that was a fantastic C-section.
ADAM [To VOLUNTEER.] So now, Bob. We’re going to get all of this Floridian stuff going at once: the ego, the Superego . . .
JESS The Unconscious, ‘Maybe, maybe not—’
DANIEL The biological clock is ticking—
ADAM Now your job as an actress is to take all of these voices and blend them deep within your soul. We’re going to whip everyone into a mighty frenzy, then stop everything; all attention goes to you, and at that moment of truth you let out with that scream that epitomizes Ophelia’s Id. [Beat.] Ah, she can’t wait.
DANIEL Okay, everybody, let’s all take a deep breath. [They do. To a random audience member.] Let it out.
ADAM [To VOLUNTEER] And remember, no matter what happens . . .
ALL Act natural.
ADAM Okay, start with the Ego.
DANIEL Ready, Bob, on your mark, get set, go!
[The EGO runs back and forth across the stage.]
JESS Unconscious, arms up. ‘Maybe, maybe not . . .’
ADAM [Building to mighty frenzy.] Section A... Section B ... Section C. A . . . B . . . C . . . A . . . B . . . Okay, STOP!
[All indicate that OPHELIA should scream. As she does, she is hit with a red spotlight. Her scream ends, the audience goes wild. All thank her; ADAM and JESS exit as DANIEL walks volunteers back to their seats.]
DANIEL Let’s hear it for Bob. And Bob! [The house lights fade out.] Boy, we really shared something there, didn’t we! But we digress. Back to Hamlet, Act Three, Scene Two, the pivotal ‘play-within-a-play scene,’ in which Hamlet discovers conclusive evidence that his uncle murdered his father.
[HAMLET enters, pauses, then whips his hands out from behind his back to reveal sock-puppet players on his hands.]
J/HAMLET “Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, trippingly on the tongue. Suit the action to the word, the word to the action, and hold, as ’twere, the mirror up to nature. [POLONIUS enters. A puppet theater appears in the set.] Will my lord hear this piece of work?
D/POLONIUS Aye, and the king, too, presently.
[Trumpet fanfare. ADAM enters as CLAUDIUS. He is not a nice man.]
A/CLAUDIUS And now, how does my cousin Hamlet, and my son?
J/HAMLET A little more than kin, and less than kind.
A/CLAUDIUS I have nothing with this answer, Hamlet; these words are not mine.”
D/POLONIUS Take a seat, my lord.
CLAUDIUS [Moves into audience.] Very well. You! Gimme your seat! The king wishes to park his royal rump!
[CLAUDIUS displaces an audience member and sits. JESS disappears behind the puppet theater.]
D/POLONIUS My lord, the Royal Theater of Denmark is proud to present The Murder of Gonzago.
A/CLAUDIUS Hey, a puppet show! I love them wacky puppets.
D/POLONIUS My lord, Act One.
[JESS performs a romantic dumb show: the King puppet and Queen puppet meeting, falling in love, and promptly humping... POLONIUS breaks in.]
Intermission!
J/HAMLET “How likes my lord the play?
A/CLAUDIUS The lady doth protest too much, methinks!” [Laughs uproariously. To the person he’s displaced.] Get it? Get it? [To rest of audience.] He doesn’t get it.
D/POLONIUS My lord, Act Two.
A/CLAUDIUS Gesundheit. Har har!! I’m on fire.
[The puppet King lies down to sleep. A puppet shark dressed like Claudius appears and attacks the king! CLAUDIUS rises, storms onstage, rips the puppets off of HAMLET’s hands.]
D/POLONIUS “The king rises.
A/CLAUDIUS Give o’er the play! Lights! Away! [Exits with puppets. The puppet theater disappears.]
J/HAMLET I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound!
D/POLONIUS My lord, the queen would speak with you in her closet.
J/HAMLET Then will I come to my mother’s . . . closet. [Exits.]
D/POLONIUS Behind the arras I’ll convey myself to hear the process. [Hides.]
[Enter HAMLET and ADAM as GERTRUDE, opposite.]
J/HAMLET Now, Mother, what’s the matter?
A/GERTRUDE Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.
J/HAMLET [Drawing his dagger.] Mother, you have my father much offended.
A/GERTRUDE What wilt thou do? Thou wilt not murder me?
Help! [Exits.]
D/POLONIUS Help! Help!
J/HAMLET How now? A rat!”
[HAMLET charges at POLONIUS with his dagger, shifting into slow motion. Lights strobe and we hear the sound effects from the shower scene in Psycho.]
D/POLONIUS [Slo-mo voice.] Oh no, that will hurt!
[HAMLET stabs POLONIUS in exaggerated slow motion. POLONIUS exits as he dies. HAMLET licks his dagger clean and snaps out of slo-mo as the strobe effect ends.]
J/HAMLET “Dead for a ducat, dead!
[CLAUDIUS enters.]
A/CLAUDIUS Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
J/HAMLET At supper.
A/CLAUDIUS At supper? Where?
J/HAMLET Not where he eats, but where he is eaten.”
[DANIEL enters as LAERTES, huffing and snarling.]
A/CLAUDIUS and J/HAMLET 0 no, it’s Laertes!
A/CLAUDIUS Son of Polonius.
J/HAMLET Brother to Ophelia!
A/CLAUDIUS And a snappy dresser!
D/LAERTES Why, thanks.
“O, thou vile king! Give me my father!
I’ll be revenged for Polonius’s murder.
[JESS screams offstage, imitating OPHELIA. CLAUDIUS exits.]
How now, what noise is this?
[ADAM screams offstage as OPHELIA.]
Dear maid, kind sister, sweet Ophelia!
[OPHELIA enters screaming, with flowers.]
A/OPHELIA They bore him barefaced on the bier
With a hey-nonny-nonny, hey-nonny
And in his grave rained many a tear
With a hey-nonny-nonny ha-cha-cha.
Fare you well my dove.”
I’m mad! [She tosses flozuers wildly about.] I’m out of my tiny little mind! [To the VOLUNTEER who played OPHELIA.] See, this is acting. “Here’s rue for you, and rosemary for remembrance ... [She offers a flower to an audience member.] and I would have given you violets, but they withered all when my father died,” you bastard! [She yanks the flower back.] I’m starting to feel a little nauseous....
[ADAM lurches into the audience and pretends to vomit on people.]
D/LAERTES [Attempting to carry on despite the chaos ADAM is creating in the audience.] “Hamlet comes back—”
ADAM [Leaping back to the stage.] Daniel, what’s the next scene with Ophelia?
DANIEL What?
ADAM What’s the next scene with Ophelia?
DANIEL There are no more scenes with Ophelia. “Hamlet comes back—”
ADAM But I’ve got layers now, I’m up for it.
DANIEL That’s all Shakespeare wrote. “Hamlet comes back—”
ADAM Well, what happens to her?
DANIEL She drowns.
ADAM Oh. [Exits.]
D/LAERTES “What would I undertake
To show myself my father’s son in deed
More than in words? To—”
[OPHELIA re-enters with a cup of water.]
A/OPHELIA Here I go.
DANIEL No, offstage!
A/OPHELIA [She throws the cup of water in her own face.] Aaaaaaaaauugh! [Dies, bows, exits.]
DANIEL Ophelia, ladies and gentlemen.
D/LAERTES [Continuing.] . . . “To cut his throat in the church.
Aye, and to that end, I’ll anoint my sword
With an unction so mortal that where it draws blood
No cataplasm can save the thing from this compulsion.”
I don’t know what it means either.
[LAERTES exits. HAMLET enters with a skull.]
J/HAMLET “This skull had a tongue in it, and could sing once.”
And then came . . . [Insert name of latest fad diet, you know, the one with confirmed deaths.]
“Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him—
But soft! Here comes the queen.
Couch me awhile, and mark.
[Hides. GERTRUDE and LAERTES enter, bearing the corpse of OPHELIA—a dummy, wrapped in a sheet.]
D/LAERTES Lay her in the earth; and from her fair And unpolluted flesh, may violets spring.
A/GERTRUDE Sweets to the sweet. Farewell.
D/LAERTES Hold off the earth awhile, ’Til I have caught her once more in mine arms.
J/HAMLET What is he whose grief bears such an emphasis?
This is I, Hamlet the great Dane!
[He spikes the skull of Yorick—it is rubber, and bounces away. He rushes to the corpse, and tries to yank it away from LAERTES. There is a brief tug of war.]
A/GERTRUDE Gentlemen! Hamlet! Laertes!
D/LAERTES The devil take thy soul.
[LAERTES lets go of the corpse as HAMLET pulls, and it bonks GERTRUDE on the head. GERTRUDE exits, staggering.]
J/HAMLET I will fight with him until my eyelids no longer wag.
The cat will mew, the dog will have his day.
Give us the foils.
D/LAERTES Come, one for me.”
[GERTRUDE re-enters, hands a foil to each, then, as she exits . . . ]
A/GERTRUDE Now be careful. Those are sharp.
J/HAMLET “Come, sir.
D/LAERTES Come, my lord.”
[They fence.]
J/HAMLET and D/LAERTES Clink! Clank! Swish! Poke! Slice! Smack!
[HAMLET scores a hit.]
D/LAERTES Ouch!
J/HAMLET “One.
D/LAERTES No!
J/HAMLET Judgment?
[ADAM enters. He is ostensibly CLAUDIUS, but is not quite fully dressed in three different costumes.]
A/CLAUDIUS A hit, a hit; a very palpable hit.”
DANIEL What are you wearing?
ADAM Um . . . layers?
A/CLAUDIUS [Continuing, back in character.] “Hamlet, here’s to thy health. Drink off this cup.
J/HAMLET Nay, set it by awhile, Uncle” . . . Father... Mother... whatever you are.
[They fence. HAMLET runs LAERTES completely through.]
“Another hit. What say you?
D/LAERTES [Examines the foil entering his chest and exiting his back. ]
A touch. A touch, I do confess.
[GERTRUDE enters with a goblet.]
A/GERTRUDE The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.
D/LAERTES Madam, do not drink.
A/GERTRUDE I will, my lord. I pray you pardon me.
D/LAERTES [Aside.] It is the poisoned cup! It is too late.
[GERTRUDE chokes and exits.]
J/HAMLET Come, for the third, Laertes.”
[They fence, ultimately running each other through simultaneously. ]
J/HAMLET and D/LAERTES Yowch!!
[Both fall. GERTRUDE re-enters.]
J/HAMLET “How does the queen?
D/LAERTES She swoons to see thee bleed.
A/GERTRUDE No. The drink! The drink! I am poisoned. [She vomits on the audience until HAMLET grabs her and spins her offstage. ]
J/HAMLET O villainy! Treachery! Seek it out!
D/LAERTES It is here, Hamlet. Here I lie, never to rise
again. I can no more. The king. The king’s to blame.
[CLAUDIUS enters, still wearing GERTRUDE’s skirt.]
J/HAMLET What, the point envenom’d too? Then venom to thy work!
Here, thou incestuous, murd’rous, cross-dressing Dane:
Follow my mother!
[HAMLET stabs CLAUDIUS, who dies.]
D/LAERTES Forgive me, Hamlet. I am justly killed by mine own treachery. [Dies.]
J/HAMLET Heaven make thee free of it. I follow thee.
[To the audience.] You that look pale, and tremble at this chance
That are but mutes, or audience to this act;
If ever thou did’st hold me in thy hearts
Absent thee from felicity awhile;
And in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain
To tell my story. The rest is silence.
[He gags, convulses, then dies in a comically balletic pose.]
[Blackout. The lights come back up. JESS, ADAM, and DANIEL bounce up and bow.]
ADAM Thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. [The audience quiets.] THANK YOU! THANK—[Embarrassed.] Um, we just wanted to say ‘thank you.’
JESS Ladies and gentlemen, that was The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Thirty-seven plays in ninety-seven minutes.
DANIEL [Checks the time.] Guess what, we actually finished a few minutes early.
ADAM Let’s do Hamlet again!
DANIEL We don’t have time.
ADAM We do if we cut the layers.
JESS Right! Ladies and gentlemen, you shall have . . .
ALL An encore!
[JESS and ADAM reset the stage and clear props.]
DANIEL I should make an announcement in case there are any children in the audience. There’s a lot of crazy props flaying around, a lot of sharp swords . . . it may look like fun and games but really this is very difficult and dangerous. Please, keep in mind that the three of us are trained professionals.
ALL Do not try this at home!
ADAM Yeah. Go over to a friend’s house.
[Exeunt. A brief pause, then, at high speed, the actors re-enact the highlights of Hamlet, matching the original staging and diction.]
J/HAMLET “0 that this too too solid flesh would melt.
D/HORATIO My lord, I think I saw your father yesternight.
J/HAMLET Would the night were come.
A/GHOST Mark me!
J/HAMLET Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.
A/GHOST Revenge my murder.
D/HORATIO My lord, this is strange.
J/HAMLET Well, there are more things in heaven and earth, so piss off. [JESS slaps DANIEL.]
To be or not to be, that is the—
A/OPHELIA Good my lord!
J/HAMLET Get thee to a nunnery!
A/OPHELIA [A truncated scream.] Aaaaugh!
J/HAMLET Now, speak the speech trippingly on the tongue.
A/CLAUDIUS Give o’er the play.
J/HAMLET I’ll take the ghost’s word for a thousand pound.
Now, Mother, what’s the matter?
A/GERTRUDE Thou wilt not murder me. Help!
D/POLONIUS Help! Help!
J/HAMLET How now, a rat! Dead for a ducat, dead.
D/LAERTES Now, Hamlet, where’s Polonius?
J/HAMLET At supper.
D/LAERTES Where?
J/HAMLET Dead.
A/OPHELIA [Splashing a cup of water in his face.] Aaaaaaaaugh!
D/LAERTES Sweet Ophelia!
J/HAMLET Alas, poor Yorick! But soft, here comes the queen.
D/LAERTES Lay her in the earth.
A/GERTRUDE Sweets to the sweet.
D/LAERTES Hold off the earth awhile.
J/HAMLET It is I, Omelet the cheese Danish.
D/LAERTES The devil take thy soul.
J/HAMLET Give us the foils.
D/LAERTES One for me. O! I am slain!
A/GERTRUDE O, I am poisoned.
J/HAMLET I follow thee. The rest is silence.”
[They have all fallen dead in the same tableau as before. Pause. They all jump up for bows.]
ADAM [Under applause.] How much time do we have left?
DANIEL [Under applause.] Thirty seconds!
JESS Ladies and gentlemen, we shall do it . . .
ALL FASTER!
[Exeunt. After a beat, J/HAMLET, D/LAERTES and A/OPHELIA enter running, each with a deadly prop. All simultaneously scream a line, apply an instrument of death to themselves and fall dead. Pause, then all bounce up again for bows. JESS and ADAM exit.]
DANIEL You’ve been fantastic, ladies and gentlemen. We shall do it... BACKWARDS!
[JESS and ADAM re-enter, staring at DANIEL incredulously.]
JESS I thought we were out of time.
DANIEL Screw the time, I’m havin’ fun!
[They all lie down—in the final death tableau. Pause. Then the encore begins, and sure enough, it is an exact reversal of the lines, movement, gestures, and blocking of the first encore, like a movie reel run backward.]
J/HAMLET Silence is rest the. Thee follow I.
A/GERTRUDE Poisoned am I O!
D/LAERTES Slain am I O!
J/HAMLET Foils the us give. Dane the Hamlet, I is this.
D/LAERTES Earth the off hold.
A/GERTRUDE Sweet the to sweets.
D/LAERTES Earth the in her lay.
J/HAMLET Queen the comes here. Yorick poor, alas.
D/LAERTES Ophelia sweet!
A/OPHELIA [Spits a mouthful of water into a cup, then . . . ]
Ghuaaaaaaa!
D/LAERTES Father my is where?
J/HAMLET Dead. Ducat a for dead.
D/POLONIUS Help! Help!
A/GERTRUDE Help! Me murder not wilt thou. Do thou wilt what.
J/HAMLET Matter the what’s, mother now?
D/POLONIUS Sesir gnik eht.
J/HAMLET Tongue the on trippingly speech the speak.
A/OPHELIA Hguaaaaaa!
J/HAMLET Nunnery a to thee get!
A/OPHELIA Lord my good.
J/HAMLET Be to not or be to.
[JESS slaps DANIEL backward.]
Off piss, Horatio, earth and heaven in things more are there.
D/HORATIO Strange is this, lord my.
A/GHOST Oob.
J/HAMLET Denmark of state the in rotten is something.
D/HORATIO Yesternight father your saw I think I, Lord my.
J/HAMLET Melt would flesh solid too too this that . . .
ALL O . . . You thank!
[All bow and exit. Blackout. All re-enter and bow again. If a standing ovation, enjoy it and exit. If not... ]
DANIEL Ladies and gentlemen, that was The Complete Works of William Shakespeare (abridged).
JESS If you enjoyed the show, please tell both your friends.
ADAM If you didn’t enjoy the show, then this was [Insert name of a current, much-despised stage show.].
DANIEL Thanks again for coming! I’m Daniel—
JESS I’m Jess—
ADAM I’m Adam—
ALL And we’re going to Disneyland!
[All bow and exit. Blackout.]