Dear Jesus,
Can you believe this shit? All around the world, people are claiming that your words give them the right to kill, maim, and torture each other. It’s like they’ve totally forgotten why you went up on that cross in the first place! They’re completely ignoring the fact that you took all that sin and suffering upon yourself so we could have a chance at redemption and not make the same mistakes again and again.
How are things with you and Muhammad in Heaven? You both had a vision of something better here on Earth, but look at the absolute clusterfuck we’ve made of it. No one wants to follow your examples anymore; instead, they look for words written by other men and use them to justify whatever it is they want to believe. When was the last time you guys personally preached hate, or fear? (And no, I’m not talking about your apostles and followers; those poopstains are in it for themselves.)
When was the last time someone looked at the actual content of your message? Self-sacrifice instead of sacrificing others. Loving your neighbor as yourself, and not loving his car or his wife. Charity to the meek and the poor, not the boastful and rich. How can you even stand to look at the world anymore without closing your eyes in the most epic of face-palms?
Also, can you guys do something about the organized part of religion? I’m pretty sure that suicide bombers and child molesters weren’t in the game plan you two left behind, nor were palaces and worldly power. Why don’t people pay more attention to the parts about love and kindness and less to the archaic rules and regulations that don’t even make sense anymore? Also, seriously, how much do you want to giggle every time you see the pope hat?
What are your thoughts on cell phones, Jesus? I notice that nowhere in the Bible do you talk about cell phones, and I’m really kind of curious what your take on them is. Same with the Internet. Can you imagine being a messiah with access to the Internet? Well, of course you can imagine it, what with the whole Son of God thing, but I’m telling you, it would be amazing if you reappeared today. There’d be nothing but “LOLJESUS” and “I CAN HAZ SALVATION?” memes across every single message board. Honestly, I’m pretty sure your actual message would get down-voted and ignored; sure, you might get a comment or two on Reddit, but that would be it. I doubt you’d even make the front page of anything other than ChristSpearThrust.gif.
Well, Jesus, I guess in closing, I’d like to say that it’s a good thing you aren’t around today. I can’t imagine you’d be very happy with all the people co-opting your love and tolerance to preach hate and discrimination; I’m pretty sure you kicked over a moneylender’s stall or two the last time you saw that happening (if you wanted to head over to Wall Street right now, though, I don’t think there’d be a lot of sad faces). Here’s hoping that our next millennium turns out better than the last one!
Sincerely,
An Unwashed Heathen