Hello, future alien invader/tyrannical despot/machine overmind. If you’re reading this, then no doubt you’d like to know the best way to fatten up humanity for your inevitable consumption of said humanity’s delicious meaty bits.
Don’t fret! I’m here to help, and it’s actually a very simple process.
The first thing you’ll want to do is procure a charismatic leader. Human beings love to fall all over themselves abdicating responsibility to someone who has a deep baritone voice, a fancy mustache, or, possibly, a funny hat. Bonus points if the guy has been on television or radio at some point—everyone loves a mass-media personality. The actual issues aren’t important; the main thing is that your avatar should look good while discussing them. You see, humanity has a thing for the appearance of something over its actual substance. We humans are crazy for the conniving, suckers for the superficial, devourers of the deceitful. If the outward appearance tells a beautiful story, we don’t care what the underlying moral might be. Good, evil, indifferent—it doesn’t matter. Give us a sound bite and we’re good to go.
Why think about the real when we can make a snap judgment about the illusion?
The second thing you’ll want to do is give your figurehead an impressive title—something like king, queen, pope, bishop, general, or president. For whatever reason, humans love to follow someone with a title. It doesn’t really matter what that title is, or even if it’s legitimate; the important thing is that your stalking horse has some sort of fancy name. Hell, look at all the terrible people throughout human history who have convinced millions to follow them by claiming that some sort of moral authority or power has been conferred on them from an invisible being—it’s foolproof! As Living Colour so famously sang, you want a cult of personality. Stalin, Mao, Hitler—exploiters, revered leaders, influencers all, their true selves clearly visible to those who cared to look. Here’s a hint: not many cared to look.
The third thing, and this is very important, is to make sure your figurehead is always consistent in his beliefs, no matter how asinine those beliefs may be. He insists that the world was created seven thousand years ago and disregards the massive amount of physical evidence suggesting that’s not the case? Not a problem. He states that other races are less than human because their skin is a particular color in the visible spectrum? Don’t even worry about it. He declares that crazy alien overlords live in a volcano and the only way to escape them is to donate more and more money to the person in charge? As long as your candidate sticks to his guns, people won’t give a single fuck.
You see, it’s not about whether your figurehead is right or wrong; it’s about how much he believes. As long as he believes in something 100 percent, it doesn’t matter if the facts match reality. All people care about is if he is all in, if he’s dedicated himself entirely to an ideal, no matter how outlandish, no matter how ludicrous, no matter how idiotic. All they want is someone who can stand in front of a thousand cameras and say, “This is the truth as I see it,” even if that person is absolutely irrational and self-destructive. They want to know that they aren’t alone in their stupidity, that someone else shares their neuroses and flaws. They want the comfort of the herd.
The wonderful thing about humanity, the absolutely glorious fact that no one seems to know, is that humanity wants to serve. People want to obey. They don’t want to look at the hard questions in life and try to figure out answers.
No, human beings want someone to tell them what to do. They want direction, guidance, a master.
Humanity is lazy. Human beings want a savior to tell them, “This is right, and this is wrong. This is grace, and this is sin. This is Heaven, and this is Hell.” They want a leader to shout, “The Jews are evil—throw them in a furnace and strike the match.” They want a prophet to declare, “Women are unclean, cover them lest you be tempted to sin, and deny them their freedom lest they tempt you to damnation.” They need a leader to shine a light on their darkest desires and their secret hopes and tell them that it’s okay to indulge in their hate, and then, oh boy, will they ever indulge.
Are you that leader? If you can provide a path, a blueprint, a way to realize that intolerance, then humans will follow you into whatever oven you want to roast them in (preferably with a sprig of parsley and just a hint of garlic butter). A sheep doesn’t question where the herd is taking it, it just follows in contentment, baaing all the way off the cliff. A sheep wants the blind certitude of certainty, the dull comfort of routine, the unthinking small-mindedness of similarity. A sheep is a simple beast and doesn’t care to think past the next meal and where it will lie down to sleep.
A sheep wants a shepherd, and that’s what you have to provide—a crook to guide the herd, a staff to beat the wayward back in line, a strong voice the meek will obey without question. If you want to serve man, search for his deepest desires, his basest motivations, his willingness to subsume himself in an idea that will never be in his best interests, and then give him someone to follow.
He’ll thank you all the way into your stomach.