The temperature at kickoff is predicted to be a balmy 72 degrees with a light breeze from the southeast. Playing in today’s Equality Bowl are the Lustful Cockmonsters, winners of this year’s Fromunda League, and the Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies, champions of the Sad Trombone Division. I’ll tell you what—you’ve never seen such resplendent uniforms as the ones these two teams are wearing. It’s almost like watching a clown filled with confetti explode in slow motion while Richard Simmons backflips his way through a triple rainbow.
Early picks have the Lustful Cockmonsters as five-point favorites, the team resurgent behind the potent combination of Hamshank Thunderloin and Drake Crotchcrusher, but some experts predict that the high-flying aerial attack of Lily “Donkeypunch” Landon and Jupiter Cameltoe could lead the Sparkleponies to an upset. Of course, the player fans are most eager to see, Fister McGrundle, appears to have suffered some sort of lower-leg injury following an unusually energetic bout of calisthenics during pregame warm-up. We’ll update you as we learn more; I know I speak for everyone at the stadium when I say that a game without a good Fister is simply not worth watching.
Also in the mix are field conditions. While initial reports were favorable about the beautifully manicured and styled grass, a brief shower of glitter and tinsel appears to have made the footing a bit treacherous. As we speak, equipment managers are breaking out the stiletto heels and workmen’s boots to give the players a little extra traction if they need it.
Stay tuned for moooooooooore SPORTSBALL!