Step 1. Connect to the Internet. If you’re logging on through AOL’s thirty-day free trial CD, please, for the love of all that’s holy, do not try to Win the Internet. I promise you that it won’t end well.
Step 2. Find something that makes you upset. This can be literally anything at all. Did Cat Fancy publish a scathing review of “long-haired Siamese whatever the hell Cat Fancy calls a cat”? Begin wildly gesticulating as you spit frothing obscenities at your monitor. Is someone in an obscure chili subforum at BobsChili Hut.com extolling the virtues of beanless chili? Let your blood pressure hit 500 psi while your pacemaker issues sad beeping noises. Did your local sportsball player fail your impossible goals of perfection by showing himself to be only mortal? Better get a mouth guard so you don’t shatter your teeth into a fine powder as you grind them together in rage.
Step 3. Write down why you’re upset. Since the medium of print doesn’t convey volume or emotion very well, you’ll have to make up for it by using CAPS LOCK AND MISSPELLING/TRUNCATING AS MNY WOORDS ASD POSIBLE!!!1! The key is to ride that fine edge of literacy and lunacy; you want the lucky recipient of your righteous judgment to feel the weight of every thundering denunciation, but if it’s too incomprehensible, the guy’ll probably just ignore it.
Step 4. Post the ten-page essay you just wrote about your chosen victim’s mating habits (generally with corpses or wild animals), personal hygiene (nonexistent), family lineage (whores and baby molesters), intelligence (dumber than a lobotomized clam on bath salts), and genitalia (scabrous, pustulant, and disfigured) anywhere you think he could possibly see it. This includes Facebook, Twitter, Reddit, personal blogs, impersonal blogs, random news aggregators, and printed broadsides.
Step 5. Wait for your target to respond. When he does, take select quotations completely out of context to back up whatever point you feel like making while maintaining a continuous barrage of ad hominem attacks. If he raises a valid point you don’t want to address, either pretend it was never said or claim that he misinterpreted you and obviously isn’t smart enough to understand your logic. Continue berating the individual until he refuses to answer anymore or until the quoting and requoting causes the page to crash and drag down half of Geocities with it. Bonus points for saying, “Clearly I can’t have a conversation with someone as intolerant as you—I’m through here” and then continuing the argument.
Step 6. Eat a victory snack, secure in the knowledge that you definitely changed the mind of someone you’ll never meet in real life. There’s no doubt he’s a million times more fulfilled now that you’ve educated him on his various inadequacies and shared how they can be corrected. If only everyone in the world were as smart as you, we’d all Win the Internet!
Step 7. Self-euthanize.