Who is Nate Jackson? Nate Jackson is a former tight end for the Denver Broncos (he played from 2003 to 2008 and recorded 27 catches for 240 yards and 2 touchdowns) who wrote an article essentially saying I should shut my piehole because I was a punter and no one wanted to hear my opinion.1 Now, this surprised me, because Nate is a fairly intelligent fellow and writes pretty well, and I was somewhat miffed at his going after such low-hanging fruit (“You’re only a punter, hur-dur-dur”). If you’re going to engage in a word fight, make sure your ammo is something heavier than See Spot Run.
Now, the reason he wanted me to be quiet was that I had called a couple prominent players douchebags2 for holding up the resolution of the NFL lockout,3 and, apparently, that wasn’t very respectful. Me. Being disrespectful to authority figures. Who’dathunkit? His piece originally ran on Deadspin and Slate, and it was moderately funny (I laughed a couple times), but at the core, it was about taking away my ability to speak out because I didn’t meet some nebulous criteria of speakingoutability, criteria that I’m still unable to determine.
I took that about as well as you would expect.
After reading his letter, I sat down in my study to compose a reply. My wife walked in about twenty minutes later as I sat in my chair typing and giggling and asked, “What on earth are you doing?”
I replied, “Having fun.”
She sighed, shook her head, and left the room, which tells you she has the patience of a saint, because I’m pretty sure she wanted to club me with my keyboard. I silently thanked her for her forbearance and continued typing and laughing (I’m easily amused; what can I say?).
About an hour later, I sent this reply off to Deadspin (which actually took out some of the nastier bits, for which I’m thankful; no point in crushing poor Nate any more than necessary).
So, a word to the wise: If you ever start thinking about calling me out somewhere, doing something stupid, or just generally being an asshat, I wish you the best of luck, but bear in mind that this is what could potentially happen.
To you.
Chris Kluwe Responds: Can I Kick It? (Yes, I Can)
Dear Nate Jackson,
It was with some dismay that I read your piece in Deadspin, and I immediately tried to wrap my head around why a player with a reasonable grasp of the English language who made no measurable impact upon the game (i.e., you) would stoop so low as to berate a National Football League player who has actually completed a full sixteen-game season (multiple times!), has broken every team record at his position, and, above all, has contributed to his team’s winning games (and occasionally losing them [i.e., myself (I love parenthetical asides)]).
Raise your hand if you got lost at the end of that last sentence.
Let’s be honest here. Yes, I am a punter. Yes, I don’t run routes, or zone block, or cover receivers. Apparently, though, neither did you, which is the only explanation for your total lack of statistics. You, more than anyone else, should know what goes on during special teams, and yet your description of a special-teams practice, while venomously hilarious, is quite inaccurate (or maybe you guys had a really crappy punter and you’re spot-on, in which case, my condolences).
You talk about me like I’m some kind of disease, like punters are some kind of infection that should be excised for the good of the game, and how dare we raise our voices when our betters are talking. According to you, punters should be happy to sit in the corner and be treated like shit because we do something different, something that the other fifty-four members of the team can’t do.
Wait, let’s parse that last clause for just a second—“something that the other fifty-four members of the team can’t do.” Huh. Would you look at that. Tell me, Nate, how well can you punt a football? What’s that you say? You CAN’T punt a football?
Why in fuck would you think that just because I can punt, my opinion is somehow less valid than yours?
I freely admit I’m not a receiver, or a lineman, or a DB, or a quarterback, but why should it matter what position I play? Have I not spent sixteen years of my life honing my craft (just like you)? Have I not spent countless hours running sprints, lifting weights, trying to stay awake during boring-ass special-teams meetings (just like you)? Have I not suited up for a game, gotten my clock cleaned by a blindside block on a punt return, tried and failed to tackle Devin Hester (just like a lot of people)? Tell me, when it comes to breaking down who gets to talk, what’s the order? Should linebackers not be able to talk before safeties, or are they allowed to talk after the centers? When does the long-snapper get to chime in? Does the X go before the Z or after?
Please, enlighten me with your wisdom, because the next time I have something to say, I’d like to make sure it’s okay with you that I say it and that I say it at the proper time.
Oh, wait a minute.
I don’t really care what you or anyone else thinks about what I say or when I say it. If I see something greedy, hypocritical, or just plain stupid, I’m going to call out whoever the offending party happens to be. I’ve done it to the owners, I’ve done it to the NFL front office, and I’ll certainly do it if I see it happen with the players. And make no mistake: Trying to hold up the settlement of a CBA affecting almost nineteen hundred players just so four can get special treatment is pretty much the definition of greedy. Whether it was instigated by their attorneys, their agents, or whoever, it’s still a douchebag move to make.
And you know why it’s a douchebag move to make? Because it makes ALL OF US look bad. It makes ALL OF US look like grasping, blackmailing, money-grubbing jerks whose only care is how much blood we can squeeze from the rock that is the fans—you know, the people who ultimately pay all of our wages. And I’m not a fan of that. (Owners, make sure you pay attention too. Charging outrageous sums for drinks, seats, and seat licenses, while it’s a great moneymaker now, is definitely counterproductive in the long run, especially with the advent of high-def TVs.) You know how you grow the football pie? It’s definitely not by shitting on the people who spend money on you. Maybe this is a small thing, but small things add up over time.
I’ll grant you that Mankins and Jackson got screwed by the CBA situation last year. They’re at the prime of their careers and they were counting on entering free agency. But at the same time, the franchise tag and restricted-free-agent tag aren’t exactly the kiss of death. One year under the RFA offer would be as much money as a doctor earns in his/her ENTIRE LIFE. What. The. Fuck. You’re telling me that having to go one year making “only” as much money as most people will earn their entire lives is such a hardship that you need an extra $10 million payout for putting your name on a lawsuit? I honestly don’t know how to respond to that.
Oh, wait—yes, I do. It’s a douchebag move.
Speaking of which, my favorite part of your entire rant is the following: “If it is his goal to slide into a post-punter career as a presumptuous and accusatory football analyst, then he has set himself up quite nicely.” Let’s replace punter with tight end and see how that reads. Oooh, it reads quite nicely. I like it. At least I had the grace to do it in 140 characters or fewer, not like this meandering shitstorm that you felt compelled to vomit out at someone you’ve never met, don’t know the first thing about, and likely might enjoy talking to if you ever ran into him at a bar (someone who has written a meandering shitstorm of his own in rebuttal).
So, Nate Jackson, while I respect your right to free speech (as apparently you don’t respect mine), I also respect my right to tell you to go jam a tackling dummy up your ass sideways for being a snake-tongued, shit-talking Internet tough-guy asshole who is so far out of touch with reality that you have no idea just how privileged we are to play this game for ridiculous amounts of money.
You’re not the only one who can craft a sentence, my friend.
Sincerely,
Chris Kluwe
Punter
PS: I respect all four of the people I called douchebags (Manning, Brees, Mankins, and Jackson). That’s why I used the word douchebag instead of asshole or fuckwit. Someone acting like a douchebag can still be redeemed; generally, it’s a momentary lapse of judgment. There’s no hope for asshole fuckwits.
PPS: tl; dr—U mad, bro?