[Gutenberg 45529] • Punch or the London Charivari, Vol. 108, March 23, 1895

THE NEW HEN.

(A Fable.)

A New Hen wandering disconsolately in a country farmyard once made the acquaintance of a cock of the old school, when both fell into some discourse concerning the changes of the modes.

"Ah," said the former, arrogantly addressing the latter, "times are indeed a good deal altered since you were a cockerel, and all for the better, thank goodness! Time was, and not so very long ago either, when I was expected to do nothing save lay eggs and breed chickens: now, however, my mistress must know better than to expect such degrading offices of me, for I will neither lay the one nor breed the other."

The old cock was about to offer some remarks in ridicule of these sentiments, when the housewife came into the yard, and, snatching up the New Hen, wrung her neck, remarking to herself as she did so, that a fowl that could neither lay eggs nor rear chickens, had obviously no place in the economy of nature.

New Reading.—"A bull in a china shop" may be Latin-Americanised with a considerable amount of truth as "The 'bos' of the show."

THE MENU À LA MODE.

Come, Damon, since again we've met

We'll feast right royally to-night,

The groaning table shall be set

With every seasonable delight!

The luscious bivalve ... I forgot,

The oyster is an arch-deceiver,

And makes its eater's certain lot

A bad attack of typhoid fever.

With soup then, be it thick or clear,

The banquet fitly may commence—

Alas, on second thoughts, I fear

With soup as well we must dispense.

The doctors urge that, in effect.

Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton,

It's full of germs. I recollect

They say the same of beef and mutton.

Yes, each variety of meat,

As you remark, is much the same,

And we're forbidden now to eat

Fish, oysters, poultry, joint or game.

But though a Nemesis each brings,

The punishment, the doctors tell, is

As nothing to the awful things

Awaiting all who toy with jellies.

"Cheese—that is not condemned with these?"

Yet ample evidence we find

To make us, Damon, look on cheese

As simply poison to mankind;

While those who may desire to pass

Immediately o'er Charon's ferry,

Have but to take a daily glass

Of claret, hock, champagne or sherry.

And therefore, Damon, you and I,

Who fain would live a year at least,

Reluctantly must modify

The scope of our projected feast;

A charcoal biscuit we will share,

Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow,

Since this appears the only fare

On which destruction will not follow!

SHAKSPEARE REVISED BY AN ALDERMAN.

"May I ask," said the worthy Alderman Davies, and he might have added, "I ask because 'Davies sum, non Œdipus'"—but he didn't, and it was a chance lost, "what salary you [the witness under examination] received for this conduct of yours while secretary?" To which witness answered, "£500 a year, and a bonus of £200." Whereupon the Alderman remarked, "Then all I can say is, you could have got many honest men to do the work for much less."

Quite so, Mr. Alderman, true for you; but if a man will act honestly for a sovereign, what might not the addition of ten shillings do? It ought to make him more honest comparatively, while another ten shillings would make him superlatively honest.