Before the Chop III

Another one of these? Really? Makes you wonder what ol’ Henry was like before hubris got to him. Well, it’s hardly surprising. A man gets to a certain point and he thinks that he is owed something. Enough years in the vanity press game and even you might start thinking that it’s real.

This collection of one hundred pieces of writing represents years five and six of Henry’s employment at the LA Weekly. The fact that he has not been canned perhaps causes mild astonishment. Why do they keep him on? Good question. It can’t be the quality of the writing, can it? Absolutely not. Here’s the answer: Henry came at a bargain. So happy to have a job that allowed him to write, he said yes to the salary, forgot the amount immediately and went to work. Yes, the pay is paltry but look at the writing. If it was a car, you’d never get off the lot.

Oh, the topics that whiz and bang around in Henry’s small and intellectually unchallenging universe! Why, he writes about all kinds of things, and here are one hundred of them, in their pre-LA Weekly edit form, with their original titles, all in chronological order. It’s all quite wonderful, don’t you think? No. You don’t, and that’s okay. As long as you can keep in mind that . . . you know what? I’m with you. It is hard, no, make that impossible, to write about a book that cannot defend itself in the world of things, without attacking it. All I want to do now is shred the manuscript I was forced to read and plant some trees to pay back the planet for what was lost to make Before the Chop III. Hold on, I have to walk around the room for a minute.

Okay. I’ve calmed down somewhat. Look for the positive, right? Henry’s never missed a deadline, no matter what continent or state of jet lag induced disorientation he’s in. He remains dedicated to the one thousand words he is obligated to hurl at his long suffering editor Andy Hermann every week. Also, people actually do read his work! Two or three angry letters come in every year. He’s not exactly “trending” (he has no idea what that means) but he’s hanging in there all the same. Faithful reader, nothing you have ever done in your life, no matter how regrettable, makes you deserve this but nonetheless, break out your best stash, you’ll need it, here it is, Before the Chop III!

This has to be enough words, right?

— You want my name? Get an attorney.