The Mage Breaker

I wonder if anyone actually reads this. I doubt seriously any of my fans do, they just buy the book. Others see my name and go screaming to the hills. I once got into a rap battle on the streets of Seoul, South Korea with a Korean with dreadlocks. I beat three Afghans in a game of blackjack on an air base in Kabul, Afghanistan. I once passed gas so bad in Walmart that I smelled it and ran away from the scene of the crime only to hide the next aisle over so I can hear the curse words of a churchgoing grandmother and her grandson. I hate going number two in other peoples houses, I don't know how smelly it will be so I normally dip out for a bit. My guilty pleasure is that I drink the piss water known as Michelob Pure Gold. I have eaten large amounts of my kids Halloween and valentine candy and claim no knowledge of where the Reese's Cups went. My children normally blame each other which makes me sad but I am planning on doing the same during easter. I would never admit this in person but I like 'Love Yourself' by Justin Beiber. My favorite movie genre is actually westerns instead of fantasy or sci fi. If I could pick a superpower it would be to stop time, I could run from the wife's arguments and she couldn't find me. I own the beer helmet and I use it a few times a year. Phoebe over Rachel and Monica...yes Phoebe. I prefer flavored cigars and pipe tobacco. I camp when I play paintball! I like to eat flaming hot Cheetos dipped in salsa and sour cream. Lebron is better than Jordan and I would pick a young Shaq over both of them if I were building a team. Go Athletics! Every once in a while I drink 'girly' drinks. I have never been to a strip club. I want to buy a smart car just for the parking. I wear a bathing suit when I shower so I don't inadvertently look down on the unemployed. If you actually read this, shoot me an email, it is in the book.