The Anomalies

The Anomalies is the story of five quirky nonconformists who come together to make rock music in their small Midwestern town primarily inhabited by tiny-minded, walking stereotypes.

Twenty-four-year-old Luster, who lives in the ghetto with his crack-dealing brothers, wants the ultimate form of the American dream—rock stardom. Sex-crazed Opal lives for partying despite being eighty. Adorable eight-year-old Ember hates the world and wants to destroy it. Forty-something Iraqi Ray loves Americans even though he fought them in the Gulf War. Aurora deplores young people, although she is a pretty, Satan-worshipping teenager.

And now these misfits have formed a band—a band so different, so utterly unpredictable that they might just be able to slip between a crack, rise above their small-town existence, tour the world, and in the process make us all reconsider our tired conventions.

“Young Joey Goebel is a born writer, one of those fated originals upon whose brainpan the mad language elves have drummed with their rubidium wands. Brutally insightful, ferociously funny – yet somehow strangely touching – The Anomalies is the freshest novel so far of the twenty-first century. I’m not sure that it will be surpassed.” —Tom Robbins

Screw the stalwarts, damn the tuxedos, and take your hate and shove it. If there's something to look forward to in this backwards-sighted world it's a time when The Anomalies make it on - and win - American Idol, and young guns like Joey Goebel get to hit the bestseller lists. —Bully Magazine"I'm not sure if Joey Goebel is brilliant or psychotic.† A bit of both, I suspect.† Whatever the case, THE ANOMALIES is a hilarious, irreverent and wildly original roller coaster ride of a novel.† Refreshing in its political incorrectness and about as unique as they come, this book introduces a loud new voice that I expect to hear much more from in the future." --Silas House, author of Clay’s Quilt and A Parchment of Leaves

“…it's an enjoyable, often funny account of misfits making their way in a world that would be duller without them…” —Baltimore City Paper

A story of 5 VERY quirky characters. From and 8 year old troubled child to an 80 year old sex crazed grandma and a sexy Satan worshiper that is in a wheel chair.† Or is she?† Mr. Goebel has created a story that is just what every non-conformist and closet non-conformist needs to read!!† A very smart book I couldn't put it down. —Beth Plattner, Fishing With Your Mind Bookstore, Walker, MN

“Joey Goebel has written the most cynical, hilarious comment on current American pop-culture that I have ever read. Goebel seems able to slip into each stereotype and captures its essence while pointing out it’s absurdity. The Anomalies offers a refreshing take on mainstream culture that seems dictated by MTV, American Idol and AOL.”—Bookgeek.com

“This is a hilarious, clever, angry little novel about five damaged misfits who make their way through a small-town Anywhere, match wits with dangerous simpletons, and ultimately strive for something grand: Rock 'n Roll Super-Stardom. I loved watching them checkmate one of the lumpen with a simple turn of phrase. You'll never look at the crackpot on the bus, the hot girl at the club, your niece, maybe your grandmother, or even an Iraqi soldier the same way again. I read it in a single sitting, and then again the next day.”—Doug Cross, University of Oregon Bookstore Eugene, Oregon

“A story of 5 VERY quirky characters.† From and 8 year old troubled child to an 80 year old sex crazed grandma and a sexy Satan worshiper that is in a wheel chair.† Or is she?† Mr. Goebel has created a story that is just what every non-conformist and closet non-conformist needs to read! Very smart book I couldn't put it down.” — Beth Plattner, Fishing With Your Mind Bookstore, MN

About the AuthorJoey Goebel was born and raised in Henderson, Kentucky. He has a BA in English from Brescia University and his short stories have appeared in two anthologies. He is the former lead singer of the punk band The Mullets (Higher Step Records) that toured for five years in the Midwest. The Anomalies is his first novel.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.You were born a mistake into a middle-class family that thought they were a high-class family. Your life was fine until your asshole parents divorced. Before that it was bike rides, baseball, swimming, and Nintendo. But after the divorce, your Nike Airs walked astray. You blamed yourself at first for your parents’ split, but then you learned to blame them instead, whom you would blame everything on forevermore. As a teenager, you felt your problems at home licensed you to rebel. You partied hard and lived for the weekends. You felt obligated to lose your virginity and you did as soon as someone would help you to do so. You did just well enough in school to get by, saying that you were smart but just didn’t apply yourself. You left home as soon as possible to go to college. You joined a frat. You let females control your destiny. You accidentally got a girl pregnant and felt obligated to marry her. You wanted a boy. You got a job that you hate but it pays the bills as you like to say. Your wife appears not as pretty as she was when you impregnated her, and your eyes are starting to wander. You and your wife consider yourselves better than your neighbors. You are depressed. You smoke weed to help you not be. You work out. You go to a tanning bed. You worry about your hair.

After a lengthy pause, alpha-male says, "Shut up. You don’t know me…I’m not depressed."

You will be. It is bound to happen sometime between your divorce from your cheating wife and when your kids put you in a nursing home.

"That’s it, man. Are you done, or am I gonna have to kick your ass?"

I throw one more card on the table, the one that says "EMPTY THREAT OF VIOLENCE—A FINAL RESORT." My cards never fail. I’ve got everything from "TOO MUCH INFORMATION" to "I NEED CLOSURE" to "I ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND" to "BAD HAIR DAY?"

I am done. I am sorry for confronting you like I have in front of your peers, some of whom are secretly gay.

At this, the asshole’s friends look at each other nervously.

I know how much respect means to you, and I respectfully ask that you refrain from mistreating my friends and me.

"Whatever, dude."

I return to my table. I don’t like doing things like I just did, but the humanoids make it so easy for me, and the fact that they make it so easy for me is why I do it in the first place. I can predict the prettyboy just like I can predict that the guy wearing a bow-tie will be a smart-ass, that the traveling children’s storyteller will be annoyingly eccentric, that the English teacher will love Garrison Keillor, that the bartender will be exceedingly confident.

"Why do you always have to make a scene like that?" asks Aurora.

You were the one complaining about them staring at us. Are they staring at us now?

The man’s friends are comforting him, patting him on the shoulder.

Then a contagiously funky reggae song comes on. My dining companions and I spontaneously arise and dance in the middle of the restaurant, except for Aurora who just rolls back and forth. We dance like protozoa, squirming unattached, our bodies moving like they don’t even know it. Music, music. Muse, sick muse. The sick muse we will follow to a timeshare on the moon.

I approach my victim, the professional humanoid.

Come on, dude! No hard feelings, right!? Would you like to dance?

"Oh, shut the fuck up."

I smile, laugh, and proceed with the dancing. I dance as hard as I can since I know that any moment now, someone will tell us to stop and sit down, or more specifically, someone will tell us, "I’m going to have to ask you to stop and sit down."