Masterminders

From the cauldron of a small Catholic primary school playground on the weather-beaten Small Island, Bobby and Terry set about tackling the world’s most intractable problems: Global Warming, Women’s Troubles, Politics, Revolution, War and more. Beset by bullies, nuns and hormones, our duo and the occasional apprentice relentlessly pursue knowledge and truth with only logic, the odd exploding gerbil experiment and chocolate to protect them from the terrors of the playground.

The story is told from Terry’s often confused perspective as he plays Alan Davies to Bobby’s Stephen Fry. The boys’ philosophical explorations of the human condition lead them to riches beyond understanding, poverty so crushing that a single wine gum is out of reach, the heights of power and the helplessness of unrequited infatuation – all under the reign of the Power Three, the playground’s bully trio of Tony, George and, Terry’s impossible love interest, Madge.

Terry and Bobby are aided in their quests by the Small Island’s residents, including the disgraced ex-world-sheep-throwing champion Mr McStrumpy; Mr McTater, the island’s only butcher who is obsessed with perfecting the ultimate seagull sausage; bookshop owner, would-be author and faux-paedophile Mr Dicklightly; the crazed whirling dervish that is Dimple; and the ever-present Mr Singh, owner of the Small Island’s post office cum Sweet and Chips Emporium with Tent Café. Meanwhile, Terry’s dad is missing and his penniless mum is endlessly distracted by a bitter custody battle while holding down three jobs; and Bobby’s dad is very sick.

Resilient as double-gusseted underpants, the pair battle through the four seasons of the school year to discover the eternal truths of life, death, friendship and the simple blessings of tofu-free chips.

Masterminders was shortlisted for the Novel Prize.