To the Single Dad in the Store

To The Single Dad in the Store,

You have the most amazing hazel eyes I've ever seen. And the pinkest lips. They are what my friends and I would call "insta-kissable." The things I could do to those lips!

Your kids are also cute. They're monsters, but cute. You are single, right? Or are you one of those creeps that just doesn't wear a ring? You could be on the "bangable dad" list. If such a list existed. (I may or may not be a little tipsy as I write this. Thanks for nothing, Captain Morgan.)

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that when you're in the veggie aisle at the store, you shouldn't just grab potatoes and melons from someone else's cart.

Your half-secret admirer,

N

P.S. If you want to know more, text me at the number on the back of this envelope.

To N (whose name could be anything),

First off, I'm not a creep. I am not married. I'm glad to hear I'm a" bangable dad". I'm assuming that means you think I'm hot as...